allie mae @biteityouscum_ Twitter profile

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allie mae

5 years

This man fired me from the most lucrative job I’ve ever had and now he wants me to help him break into the illustrious world of getting paid in quesadillas and drink tickets??? YEAH RIGHT.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 years

Joey CoCo Diaz let me open & host for him last night. Performed in front of like 700 people!! It was so fun and I am SUPER GRATEFUL for the opportunity 😊❤️

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

@jacksonglidden I got a $0 tip on a $175 check last night and the table said I was “cool”

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 months

A guy just came up to me at Wawa and asked if I was a comedian and said he saw me on Real Ass Podcast. Day maker 🥰

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

You’re in his DMs, I’m holding his jacket in the metaverse Walmart while he blows up the bathroom. We are not the same.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

Real Ass Podcast listeners have made my mf week 🙏🫶🙏

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

8 months

Last night in Brooklyn I saw a guy trying to break into my car while I was waiting for food so I ran outside and was like yo get the fuck off my car and he was like “congrats on gentrifying Brooklyn” and it felt really good to say “actually I live in Jersey you fucking retard”

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

10 days

a lil party for @somaddysmith !! New ep out now on @gasdigital use code MAD 🥳🍄🤸‍♀️

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

Hey @ThatKevinSmith I’m a standup comedian in Jersey/Highlands native (trailer park on the hill) who is the biggest fan of your work and would simply die if I could do even 1 minute of background work on Clerks. Love you either way!!❤️❤️❤️

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

I will be performing at Skankfest Vegas in Las Vegas, Nevada September 29th- October 1st 2023! Tickets are on sale Monday, 4/10 (TODAY!) at 1pm EST at @skankfestnyc #SkankfestVegas

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 months

All killers tomorrow nite at @TheStandNYC ✨ @luisjgomez ✨ @DanSoder ✨ @IamEmmaWillmann ✨ @columtyrrell ✨ @lilsasquatch66 ✨ @RobCrewsComedy ✨Hosted by @Naim__Ali and myself 🎟️: 🤑 use code DRIP and save $5

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

Guys please be patient, Nikki Glaser is in the studio working on it right now. RIP Gilbert Gottfried.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

28 days

I miss Greg Giraldo

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

@bonniemcfarlane @jacksonglidden Servers pay their bills with compliments. Cash is insulting.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

managing my emotions after a bomb

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

Last night was the stuff of comedy dreams. @bonniemcfarlane blew the roof off Power Bottom, and we had special drop ins by the legend @RichVos and everybody’s favorite uncle @madflavor !!! So grateful to three of the best to ever do it - THANK YOU!

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

🔥Incredible lineup this Tuesday, 12/7 at The Stand Comedy Club in NYC: @ianimal69 @jordanjensen69 @LeMaireLee @AIapalucci @RichVos @bonniemcfarlane 🎟Tickets only $15:

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Everyday’s international women’s day if you get her angry enough

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

NYC is a wild place. The other night I feel something, look down…. and see a 4 year old girl is running the pockets of the jean jacket tied around my waste. She goes “empty?” Like yes bitch I’m broke but also I did not come here to battle thieving toddlers 😠

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

9 days

This could be my 7am post bar shift white claws talking but didn’t @luisjgomez promise me a little PA system for the Honda so I could provide feedback to other drivers on the road? Believe this was two RAPs ago? I think he got me high this week so I would forget‼️ #scandal

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

When’s the last time something bad happened to rich people? We need another Titanic

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

a bisexual man with kids is trying to kick it to me and there’s simply no way I’m going up for his attention against men, women, AND CHILDREN

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

Bartending in Brooklyn is ass lol. Making all the drinks AND I’m the bouncer???? I had to kick someone out for smoking crack on our patio, kick someone else out for soliciting sex in the bathroom, prevented a rape, broke up two fights… I’m getting a gun :)

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

7 years

Doctor's office using #katyperry as hold music.... one of the many ways healthcare industry actively works to keep us sick.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

Do I live on a boat in Brooklyn for $700/mo? Pros: cheap rent, no shared walls with neighbors, boat sex Cons: showering at Blink fitness

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

My artwork got my account suspended on @instagram for violating community standards on adult sexual solicitation 😡

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 months

For me Twisters was not about tornadoes. It was about whether or not the two main character were gonna fuck, and they didn’t. 0 stars from this budding film critic.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

TONIGHT at @TheStandNYC with ✨ @shwangardini ✨ @jeremiahstandup ✨ @Naim__Ali ✨ @dru_montana47 ✨ @ericarhodes ✨ @thelevfershow 🎟️:

shawn gardini

@shwangardini

2 years

The next drip show is weds 4/5 at 7pm @TheStandNYC pls come Here is the link for tickets

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

It should be illegal for your dad to text you this at 1am on Valentine’s Day 💀

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

DRIP at @TheStandNYC 🐍💕✨ @shwangardini @LeMaireLee @somaddysmith by @842photo

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

Guy working pizza counter: You’re a standup? Tell me a joke Me: That’s not how it works Him: Why not? Me: Do you have a dick? Him: Yeah Me: Fuck me right now Him: ok I’ll hang your flyer

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

Have to stop looking at social media right before bed. Someone in my feed just posted a vid of herself Lady and The Tramping a snack w her dog - he licked her lips, and then she licked her lips right after. Now I’m ticked off 😠

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

love when I’m at a gas station and the attendant says “you have boyfriend?” like it would be the only thing stopping us from having mind blowing sex at pump 2

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Had trouble finding my Christmas spirit but it finally just happened: I accidentally pulled my weed out in front of the Dollar Tree cashier and saw her eyes light right up so I slipped her a fat nug in a handshake and she was like “Oh god BLESS YA honey” and just like that!!! 🎅

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

7 months

A woman at my show in Asbury Park last night showed me a dick pic she received from her neighbor and the full frontal nude she sent back. This is what I got into comedy for.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

A random guy found me on Instagram and pays for vids of me wearing boots and flipping him off, how crazy is that. Anyway, today is his birthday and I just sent him one boot pic for free, so I get to go to heaven now 🙏

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Happy Birthday to my favorite comic, writer, director, producer, friend, and all around lil baddie @bonniemcfarlane ! Ilysm💕

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 months

don’t wanna hurt my juul’s feelings but I could really go for a Marlboro red right now

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Anyone else sick & tired of celebrities asking us to “pitch in” and donate our hard earned/barely existing funds to flavor of the week issues that they could throw a million dollars at while still maintaining a level of wealth that would be impossible to spend in their lifetime?

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 years

"There's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, and smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons, and old movies. I could easily do that. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy." RIP Anthony Bourdain. The struggle is fucking real.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 months

Skip seeing Longlegs — a ride in my 2000 Honda Accord is a lot scarier

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

8 months

hey @dunkindonuts next time I visit the drive thru just spit in my face actually

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

8 months

Today I am addressing my hoarding issue. One example of something I’ve been hanging on to is a tank top that belonged to a dwarf that I lived with who sadly passed away. It doesn’t fit/looks insane on me, I just kept bc I wanted to remember her. Today, it goes. Bittersweet.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

At an open mic in NJ & this dude just got up w a story about how he was having sex w a girl who passed out and he... kept fucking her and.... came anyway?? Don’t worry he sent her $50 for Plan B the next day. Maybe we should keep everything closed 😬

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 years

About to be late for work because my cat is about to fight another cat on top of a dumpster and I need to know whether or not we actually run this fkn trailer park

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

If this plays out a certain way I promise to become a better person, Lord hear my prayer ⚰️

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

4 years

Tonight, @FLOTUS and I tested positive for COVID-19. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

My therapist wanted to know how I felt about all this Chappelle stuff, and it felt really good to say to someone that I don’t give a flying fuck, one way or the other 😎

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

9 months

HOT SHOW🚨Weds 2/7 @TheStandNYC w/ • Geoffrey Asmus • @lilsmichelle • @DanSoder • @TommyJPope • @ZacIsNotFunny • @isthatnatem 🎟️ at ^ use code DRIP for a discount

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Normalize shutting the fuck up when you have nothing to say✨

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

7 months

DRIP! This Weds at @TheStandNYC with @isthatnatem @AmyShanker @Naim__Ali @ComicMikeV @BrendanSagalow @DanSoder 🎟️🎟️🎟️ use code drip and save $5

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

Living in a trailer park feels like living in a TV show about a trailer park. My neighbor just came outside in a knit sweater that says “Le Freak” and there is dried blood around the perimeter of her mouth. She’s giving me life advice.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

8 months

finished my set and immediately got propositioned for a threesome with two lesbians, got a lil pep in my step

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 months

NBD, just @cvspharmacy holding my medicine hostage bc… idk give me the reason? No power outage, so what was it? Why is this mega corporation pharmacy so frequently run like it’s a brand new idea some college students came up w & are struggling to properly execute? Need my meds

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 months

made a man cry today, no regrets

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

Tomorrow nite at @TheStandNYC w/a killer lineup, including a comic we can’t promote but can drop some credits ~ Comedy Central, Colbert, Conan, Netflix, a very popular podcast, recently headlined MSG, and just dropped a special😈 🎟️ Use code DRIP to save $5

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

Just woke up from an exhilarating dream about coming into money and the first thing I wanted to do was replace the missing hubcap on my 2000 Honda Accord

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Totally obsessed with the fact that a court in NJ thinks I’m actually going to download an app for them to prosecute me via video chat.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

If you’ve ever been to the water park in Keansburg NJ, you’re immune to coronavirus.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

Gas attendant said I must be cold by the way I’m dressed. I said I was, and he diagnosed me w anemia/said I need to eat more liver. He then seductively leaned into my window to ask if I’ve ever been w a black man. I love NJ because our gasoline comes w free healthcare AND SEX!!🥰

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

7 months

I’m so hungover. It feels impossible to get out of bed. But there’s work to do. A man sent me money to get a pedicure and I owe him photographic evidence.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

I am so smacked on an edible right now that I couldn’t remember if I took my vitamin, so I took one. But then I couldn’t remember if I actually took that vitamin or just thought about it a lot. Where we are now: I have either taken 5 vitamins or none at all, I really have no idea

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

So many studio apartments in NYC at $2,500/month. You must make 40x the rent to live there…aka 100k/year. I said ok lemme see what kinda jobs pay that. Pediatrician was one of them. Lol!! Like 10 fuckin years of school, all that debt, and you can’t even have a bedroom.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

Imagine if NJ Unemployment hired some of us remotely to help them with the overload of claims??? Just saying. I’ve been waiting since March 15th and have $1.23 in my bank account 🏄‍♂️

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

broke up a girl fight at the bar last night and it was so much more intense then when the fellas are fighting, one of these bitches broke my skin 😭

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

Hot show tonight, 7pm at @TheStandNYC with @shwangardini @ianimal69 @mikeabrusci @Daniel_Simonsen @kerenmargolis and @lilsasquatch66 Use code DRIP for a discount! Tickets here:

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

11 months

I hate to be a Scrooge but no one wants to see your happy family photos this holiday season. Show me the screenshot of your mom telling you to fuck off.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

Made it to Vegas! I haven’t taken a bus since I lost my license and I’m full of regret. Smells like rotten asshole and tampons in here 😵‍💫

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

New low: working for/being fired by a person who has this license plate

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

@Naim__Ali imagine minding your own freaking business on shrooms and you look down and see this

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

Next Weds at @TheStandNYC DRIP! with me + @shwangardini + these funny ppl: ✨ @ashlynnsalzano ✨ @bassamshawl ✨ @katieboylecomic ✨ @IamMikeCannon ✨ @seanytime 🎟️:

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

14 days

This could be my 7am post bar shift white claws talking, but rn everything feels possible and we can do whatever we want!!! (I just peed in a park)

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

TONIGHT at @TheStandNYC , 9pm: @mikerecine (CONAN) @IanLaralive (HBO, Fallon) @Toripiskin (NY Comedy Festival) @neelnanda (Comedy Central) @AIapalucci (Last Comic Standing) @somaddysmith (MTV’ s Wild n Out)

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

I have everything I need to start a podcast, except a penis 😔

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

Tonight at @TheStandNYC killer lineup, sold out, @shwangardini last drip before he moves to Texas. Hang out at the bar if you don’t have tix. Bring Gardini cigs and pre-rolls 🎁

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

My ex went to jail yesterday & didn’t tell me. Looking for roommate immediately. Your room would be on opposite end of a double wide trailer. There are six kittens due to a stray deciding to have them here. Few holes in the floor, if you’re not stupid you won’t fall into them.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

A man is a crowded bar just asked “what’s up with the mask??” like it’s a fashion idea I dreamt up and took a chance on

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

TOMORROW NIGHT💧DRIP💧at @TheStandNYC : @shwangardini @AdamFriedland @plain_shane @NapoleonEmill @stollemache @ShafiStandsUp Tickets available at: … Use code DRIP at checkout for a discount!

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

As a society, I think we’re headed in the right direction

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

24 days

Mood chart for the lead up to my period 😈😈😏😏😏💦💦💦💦🫦😈😈😈😏😏💦💦😛💦💦😡💦💣🥰😈😏😏💦💦😡😈💋😈🤠😈😡😛🐆💦💦🧨💦

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 years

I’m at court in Asbury Park and this lady said “what’s good” to the judge

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 years

Some guy at my job tried to put me down by comparing my style to Gene Simmons and I was like “you’re right, if I fucked your wife it would absolutely be the best thing that ever happened to her.”

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 months

@luisjgomez is this about my twisters review

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

Tonight at @TheStandNYC - 7pm! @Naim__Ali • @timbutterly • @mikerainey82 • @geoperez86 • Nick Fierro • Maddy Weiner • Reggie Conquest 🎟️: ✨use code DRIP for $5 off tickets!

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

I bicyclist just told me off, I came back with a “fuck you” and then he looked back over his shoulder like we had sexual tension, and in that quick little moment of time? we really did

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 month

Brooklyn is kinda funny to me. You can work at a bar where the owner posits himself as a biker outlaw but also has a NACAB tattoo on his leg. Babe pick a lane — are you breaking the law or sucking it’s dick?

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

Sending light, love, and an invitation to anyone who worked for Jimmy Fallon to join me in the restaurant industry instead. When the chef gets mad he throws glassware at you. Lol grow the fuck up. Work sucks

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

A combo of stress and severe vitamin D + zinc deficiencies have officially brought me below my high school weight and tbh it’s depressing. I miss having fat where girls are supposed to have fat. Need a quick way to gain weight, that’s healthy. Going hard on protein, no results

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

Last night at a rap concert this girl got on stage, stripped, and then immediately got off and maced two people. Please RT till I find her. I want to ask her a question 💍

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

1 year

‼️This Wednesday! Killer lineup at @TheStandNYC featuring 💥 @chanel__ali 💥 @shwangardini 💥 @columtyrrell 💥 @aaronbergcomedy + more!! 🎟️ Tix available at: 😛 Use code DRIP for a discount

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

7 months

DRIP at @TheStandNYC this Weds 4/3

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

9 months

Here we have @isthatnatem playing hard to get. He loves having his beans dipped. If you see him on the street, go for it 🫘

Big Red

@andymalafarina

9 months

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 months

On a big self care kick today (remembering to charge my Sonicare and my vibrator)

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

Me: Targeted ad: Hey you’re an alcoholic piece of shit with no money check this out

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

6 months

Ok moms, we get it. 5, 10, 20, maybe even 30 YEARS AGO you were horny as hell. What do you want, an award??

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

Can’t wait for the holiday season to end so my bf can stop farting and saying “I think Santa just left some coal in my underwear.”

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

3 years

A Karen threw a fit at the show tonight because a soda cost $3. It’s like… have you been to a live entertainment venue before? This can of Coke would cost $1,000 at Yankee stadium 😭

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

5 years

When I was growing up I had a babysitter named Aunt Cathy who would get visited by angels in her bedroom at night, and one of them told her to tell my mom that I was going to die of AIDS. Anyway, please RT if you’ve ever been bullied in two different dimensions.

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

4 months

They put fentanyl in my IV to give me a shot in my neck, not sure why. Am I allowed to have fun on Juneteenth bc I accidentally did🏄‍♂️

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

10 months

I hate when people ask me about my political views bc they’re expecting me to say “republican” or “democrat” when there’s a superior third viewpoint which is that it’s all the same shit and we need to start marching these motherfuckers heads on sticks thru villages

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allie mae

@biteityouscum_

2 years

This is the absolute worst trend happening right now. Dear Men - please grow up and put on a pair of socks.

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