This man fired me from the most lucrative job I’ve ever had and now he wants me to help him break into the illustrious world of getting paid in quesadillas and drink tickets??? YEAH RIGHT.
Joey CoCo Diaz let me open & host for him last night. Performed in front of like 700 people!! It was so fun and I am SUPER GRATEFUL for the opportunity 😊❤️
Last night in Brooklyn I saw a guy trying to break into my car while I was waiting for food so I ran outside and was like yo get the fuck off my car and he was like “congrats on gentrifying Brooklyn” and it felt really good to say “actually I live in Jersey you fucking retard”
Hey
@ThatKevinSmith
I’m a standup comedian in Jersey/Highlands native (trailer park on the hill) who is the biggest fan of your work and would simply die if I could do even 1 minute of background work on Clerks. Love you either way!!❤️❤️❤️
I will be performing at Skankfest Vegas in Las Vegas, Nevada September 29th- October 1st 2023! Tickets are on sale Monday, 4/10 (TODAY!) at 1pm EST at
@skankfestnyc
#SkankfestVegas
Last night was the stuff of comedy dreams.
@bonniemcfarlane
blew the roof off Power Bottom, and we had special drop ins by the legend
@RichVos
and everybody’s favorite uncle
@madflavor
!!! So grateful to three of the best to ever do it - THANK YOU!
NYC is a wild place. The other night I feel something, look down…. and see a 4 year old girl is running the pockets of the jean jacket tied around my waste. She goes “empty?” Like yes bitch I’m broke but also I did not come here to battle thieving toddlers 😠
This could be my 7am post bar shift white claws talking but didn’t
@luisjgomez
promise me a little PA system for the Honda so I could provide feedback to other drivers on the road? Believe this was two RAPs ago? I think he got me high this week so I would forget‼️
#scandal
Bartending in Brooklyn is ass lol. Making all the drinks AND I’m the bouncer???? I had to kick someone out for smoking crack on our patio, kick someone else out for soliciting sex in the bathroom, prevented a rape, broke up two fights… I’m getting a gun :)
For me Twisters was not about tornadoes. It was about whether or not the two main character were gonna fuck, and they didn’t.
0 stars from this budding film critic.
Guy working pizza counter: You’re a standup? Tell me a joke
Me: That’s not how it works
Him: Why not?
Me: Do you have a dick?
Him: Yeah
Me: Fuck me right now
Him: ok I’ll hang your flyer
Have to stop looking at social media right before bed. Someone in my feed just posted a vid of herself Lady and The Tramping a snack w her dog - he licked her lips, and then she licked her lips right after. Now I’m ticked off 😠
love when I’m at a gas station and the attendant says “you have boyfriend?” like it would be the only thing stopping us from having mind blowing sex at pump 2
Had trouble finding my Christmas spirit but it finally just happened: I accidentally pulled my weed out in front of the Dollar Tree cashier and saw her eyes light right up so I slipped her a fat nug in a handshake and she was like “Oh god BLESS YA honey” and just like that!!! 🎅
A woman at my show in Asbury Park last night showed me a dick pic she received from her neighbor and the full frontal nude she sent back. This is what I got into comedy for.
A random guy found me on Instagram and pays for vids of me wearing boots and flipping him off, how crazy is that. Anyway, today is his birthday and I just sent him one boot pic for free, so I get to go to heaven now 🙏
Anyone else sick & tired of celebrities asking us to “pitch in” and donate our hard earned/barely existing funds to flavor of the week issues that they could throw a million dollars at while still maintaining a level of wealth that would be impossible to spend in their lifetime?
"There's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, and smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons, and old movies. I could easily do that. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy."
RIP Anthony Bourdain. The struggle is fucking real.
Today I am addressing my hoarding issue. One example of something I’ve been hanging on to is a tank top that belonged to a dwarf that I lived with who sadly passed away. It doesn’t fit/looks insane on me, I just kept bc I wanted to remember her. Today, it goes. Bittersweet.
At an open mic in NJ & this dude just got up w a story about how he was having sex w a girl who passed out and he... kept fucking her and.... came anyway?? Don’t worry he sent her $50 for Plan B the next day. Maybe we should keep everything closed 😬
About to be late for work because my cat is about to fight another cat on top of a dumpster and I need to know whether or not we actually run this fkn trailer park
My therapist wanted to know how I felt about all this Chappelle stuff, and it felt really good to say to someone that I don’t give a flying fuck, one way or the other 😎
Living in a trailer park feels like living in a TV show about a trailer park. My neighbor just came outside in a knit sweater that says “Le Freak” and there is dried blood around the perimeter of her mouth. She’s giving me life advice.
NBD, just
@cvspharmacy
holding my medicine hostage bc… idk give me the reason? No power outage, so what was it? Why is this mega corporation pharmacy so frequently run like it’s a brand new idea some college students came up w & are struggling to properly execute? Need my meds
Tomorrow nite at
@TheStandNYC
w/a killer lineup, including a comic we can’t promote but can drop some credits ~ Comedy Central, Colbert, Conan, Netflix, a very popular podcast, recently headlined MSG, and just dropped a special😈
🎟️
Use code DRIP to save $5
Just woke up from an exhilarating dream about coming into money and the first thing I wanted to do was replace the missing hubcap on my 2000 Honda Accord
Gas attendant said I must be cold by the way I’m dressed. I said I was, and he diagnosed me w anemia/said I need to eat more liver. He then seductively leaned into my window to ask if I’ve ever been w a black man. I love NJ because our gasoline comes w free healthcare AND SEX!!🥰
I’m so hungover. It feels impossible to get out of bed. But there’s work to do. A man sent me money to get a pedicure and I owe him photographic evidence.
I am so smacked on an edible right now that I couldn’t remember if I took my vitamin, so I took one. But then I couldn’t remember if I actually took that vitamin or just thought about it a lot. Where we are now: I have either taken 5 vitamins or none at all, I really have no idea
So many studio apartments in NYC at $2,500/month. You must make 40x the rent to live there…aka 100k/year. I said ok lemme see what kinda jobs pay that. Pediatrician was one of them. Lol!! Like 10 fuckin years of school, all that debt, and you can’t even have a bedroom.
Imagine if NJ Unemployment hired some of us remotely to help them with the overload of claims??? Just saying. I’ve been waiting since March 15th and have $1.23 in my bank account 🏄♂️
I hate to be a Scrooge but no one wants to see your happy family photos this holiday season. Show me the screenshot of your mom telling you to fuck off.
Tonight at
@TheStandNYC
killer lineup, sold out,
@shwangardini
last drip before he moves to Texas. Hang out at the bar if you don’t have tix. Bring Gardini cigs and pre-rolls 🎁
My ex went to jail yesterday & didn’t tell me. Looking for roommate immediately. Your room would be on opposite end of a double wide trailer. There are six kittens due to a stray deciding to have them here. Few holes in the floor, if you’re not stupid you won’t fall into them.
Some guy at my job tried to put me down by comparing my style to Gene Simmons and I was like “you’re right, if I fucked your wife it would absolutely be the best thing that ever happened to her.”
I bicyclist just told me off, I came back with a “fuck you” and then he looked back over his shoulder like we had sexual tension, and in that quick little moment of time? we really did
Brooklyn is kinda funny to me. You can work at a bar where the owner posits himself as a biker outlaw but also has a NACAB tattoo on his leg. Babe pick a lane — are you breaking the law or sucking it’s dick?
Sending light, love, and an invitation to anyone who worked for Jimmy Fallon to join me in the restaurant industry instead. When the chef gets mad he throws glassware at you. Lol grow the fuck up. Work sucks
A combo of stress and severe vitamin D + zinc deficiencies have officially brought me below my high school weight and tbh it’s depressing. I miss having fat where girls are supposed to have fat. Need a quick way to gain weight, that’s healthy. Going hard on protein, no results
Last night at a rap concert this girl got on stage, stripped, and then immediately got off and maced two people. Please RT till I find her. I want to ask her a question 💍
A Karen threw a fit at the show tonight because a soda cost $3. It’s like… have you been to a live entertainment venue before? This can of Coke would cost $1,000 at Yankee stadium 😭
When I was growing up I had a babysitter named Aunt Cathy who would get visited by angels in her bedroom at night, and one of them told her to tell my mom that I was going to die of AIDS. Anyway, please RT if you’ve ever been bullied in two different dimensions.
I hate when people ask me about my political views bc they’re expecting me to say “republican” or “democrat” when there’s a superior third viewpoint which is that it’s all the same shit and we need to start marching these motherfuckers heads on sticks thru villages