lili michelle لیلی @lilsmichelle Twitter profile

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i was taught more about how spaghetti strap tank tops were intolerable than racism

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Last Seen Profiles

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

if ur sad in LA u can go to the beach, but if ur sad in NY u can go to ur bodega guy and he’ll say “u are very beautiful but not when u frown”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

this is funnier than anything pete davidson has ever said

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

“are you okay?” no i can’t stop thinking about how girls were taught that blue balls is the most painful thing a man can go through and it was our responsibility to make sure he didn’t endure that

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

my boob fully popped out in yoga today so namastit to everyone

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

do u wanna date me pete davidson style (intense monogamous public relationship for 4-8 months with a gut wrenching breakup that improves both of our careers) ?

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

my boss asked me where i see myself in 5 yrs and i told him "not here" and now i'm in a meeting with HR

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

whenever i’m sad about a guy i just have to remember that one year from now i’ll be sad about a different guy

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

remember when kevin spacey got called out for sexual abuse and his response was just “i’m gay”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

and they say chivalry is dead

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

the marketing team for 9/11 really nailed it i don’t even know what day pearl harbor is

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

he’s so hot i wanna tuck him into bed and kiss his forehead

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

i actually think it’s really beautiful that i hangout with a guy until he’s ready for a relationship with someone else

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

[having sex] “can i hit my vape?”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

idk how some ppl are constantly in relationships i find one person i'm compatible with every 3 years and just pine over them for years

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

my friends are always like “you’re way too hot for him” and i’m like yeah i know that’s why i’m upset

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

get yourself a sleepy girl we’re too tired to cheat or argue

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

commenting “balding king👑” on every guys pics to cause mayhem

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

we have enough content creators we need some content destroyers

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

if ur thriving right now, congrats, ur a sociopath

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

black people have been suffering for centuries but white people still get to be like “be gentle with us we are learning💕”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

*coming out of my room after hours of crying and masturbating* my parents: there she is

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

last night i was at a bar and a guy i’ve hooked up with kept walking past me whispering “we’ve had sexxxx” in my ear

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i actually think it’s really beautiful that i hangout with a guy until he’s ready for a relationship with someone else

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

you never know how bad a movie is until you show someone else and you’re like oh fuck

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

pretending your coworkers are funny is a full time job

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

abolish friday as part of the work week it’s the appetizer of the weekend and should be treated as such

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

my mom saw my hitachi magic wand, squealed in excitement that I brought a back massager, and now my entire family is massaging their backs with my vibrator

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

all my packages have arrived so now i once again have nothing to live for

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

it’s so fucked how women will carry a baby for 9 months, go through childbirth, and then the child has the fathers last name like he wrote his name on a group project he didn’t do much for

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

every time one of my guy friends is absolutely heartbroken by a girl i wanna call her and ask how she did it

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

just had sex with a guy who immediately put the joker on after

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

Omg guys Tom Kenny’s son ( @MackKennyArt ) reached out to me and clarified that his dad does not have a goddaughter! This girl straight up lied in the most specific way

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

morning routines are super important that’s why i always start the day 5 minutes before my first meeting

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i gave my brother half a joint to store for me later and he said “what if mom finds out” he’s 31 and lives with his gf

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i don’t eat because i’m hungry i eat because it’s the best thing this world has to offer

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

i deserve an oscar for how often i listen to someone repeating a story and pretend it’s the first time i’ve heard it

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

unfollowing every man that was inside me in 2021 but didn’t wish me a merry christmas

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i personally love how mad i get at myself for being depressed in a pandemic

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

tomi lahren essentially calling biden a pussy for wearing a mask is the funniest thing a blonde republican has said since 5 mins ago when kellyanne cursed at her daughter

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

you give an ugly guy a chance and all of a sudden he thinks he’s out of your league

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

coming out of the closet as someone who doesn’t use dark mode on social media

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

masturbating through Louis CK’s new special to turn the tables on him

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

every sunday i act like the grandparents in willy wonka

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

whenever food smells good it’s always because the hoes are in it (the hoes being garlic and onion)

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

masturbating through Louis CK’s new special to turn the tables on him

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

should i go to therapy or get a new tattoo?

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

it’s not a coincidence that every woman has a story about being sexually harrassed

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

covid has lasted longer than all of my relationships

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

my friend told me jesus was born on christmas and died in april and i shit you not i went “omg he was only 4 months old when he died?”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

is he my soulmate or is he just ignoring me

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

my friend got stood up by a guy and the next week he asked me out so now i am standing him up in solidarity

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i tweet for the people who ran a 12 minute mile in gym class

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

why do i always find out how cringe someone is after i’ve fucked them

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

men literally be like “i did what i wanted to do and didn’t consider you for a single moment, what’s the problem?”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

ah yes 9/11 the tragedy i was blamed for when i moved to america even though i was 8 when it happened

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i’m sorry i’m actually still reeling over the fact that Jared Leto was on a 12 day silent meditation retreat and came out to a quarantined world

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i’m so horny i think i’ll go for a walk

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

My office holiday party is tonight where formal wear is required, people got hotel rooms, and we’re getting out early to get ready, it’s basically highschool where I’m forced to go to prom and I’m scared

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

everything reminds me of him🥺

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

im not reading the paragraph you wrote about your year let’s keep it moving people

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

imagine spotify wrapped but for your relationships like “you had a variety of people you were talking to but you kept coming back to this one”

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

happy fathers day to all the dads who have sent me dick pics, this year i will celebrate by posting all of them and tagging each of you

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i used to have the biggest crush on the host of fear factor and today i realized that was joe rogan hahahahahaha

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i’m sorry i tried to trauma bond with u when i was drunk

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

yeah i’m thicc, thicc and tired of your bullshit

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i meditate all the time i just call it disassociating

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

sorry i’m late i couldn’t stop lying down

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

the feminine urge to obsessively look at a picture of what you bought online until it arrives

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i love doing my morning routine at 2pm

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

my favorite conspiracy theory is that there are good guys out there

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

everyone is getting so creative during quarantine while i’m just constantly crying and masturbating as if i’m doing a character study on horny eeyore

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i only have sex so that 85 year old me won’t be mad at young me

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

white people being like “but i know a good cop” like yeah if i was white i’d probably know one too

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

i’m honestly just so happy drake and kanye are back together again

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

just gonna put this out there 2022 is not gonna be our year

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

sorry i’m late i couldn’t stop masturbating

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

watching boys play video games like hmm okay so u do have passion and the ability to focus

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

my parents fled the iranian revolution so i could joke about my tits on the internet

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

sundays are for ordering food and watching trash tv if you’re productive on a sunday you need to relax

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

i just want someone to play with my boobs as i shove a crunchwrap supreme down my throat

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

all i wanna do is have sex and spend money

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

5 years

there was some white powder on my couch so I gummed it thinking it was coke, and it turned out to be drywall chips from my ceiling

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

according to white people the key to a successful relationship is looking like siblings

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

pete davidson is giving male comics too much hope right now it’s disgusting

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

dating an older guy is really hard rn because i want sex but i don’t want to kill him (he’s 41)

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i'm not posting hot pics cause i'm thirsty i'm posting them bc i'm a narcissist

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

“it’s so hot out let’s hang outside” no you freaks i need air conditioning and a place to lay down

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

*coming out of my room after hours of crying and masturbating* my parents: there she is

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

normalize grown men dating people their own age

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

male comedians get to date the coolest girls and female comedians have 17 vibrators

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

3 years

being hungover in your thirties is rough, i wouldn’t know cause i’m not thirty and like so young but i’ve heard it’s bad

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i want to be a slut but i also don’t want anyone to touch me

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

if u come out of quarantine hotter u are a freak bitch who betrayed all of us

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

2 years

commenting “balding king👑” on every guys pics to cause mayhem

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

i saved so much money staying with my parents this winter all it cost me was my freedom and will to live

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lili michelle لیلی

@lilsmichelle

4 years

ur quarantine crush is just a delusion to distract urself from a crumbling society

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