@thomas_violence
I don’t think this is fair. I worked with a South African and he was a great guy! Do anything for you! Mind you, it turns out I got his accent wrong and he was really Norwegian.
@rlycalm
Hi, Elon's sex worker here. I thought it was a bit rude that the person who says he 'has a weird dick' got banned, because I am here to tell you it is REALLY weird. Trump's doesn't even hold a candle. But it is true he doesn't smell like nachos. Too much sulfur notes for a start.
@TomaNistor
@timheidecker
No, if it was parody it'd say 'parody' in the name field. It just says 'parity' which is a little confusing, but definitely not the same thing. My god. How could he leave us when we need him most?
SPARTANS! TONIGHT WE DINE IN HADES! so this is a final reminder that if you have any dietary requirements, please let the chef Tantalus know, and be advised that he can't prepare any dishes involving fruit. It's a whole thing with him. Good luck!
@JUNlPER
@allahliker
Alex Jones doesn't even read the articles he quotes any more. Sometimes he tries on air, and you can see him pause as he realizes the article isn't saying what he wants it to say. He gets paid millions.
@SmoothDunk
Jimmy Carr can be funny on panel format shows where he has to think of gags instead of just calling everyone a c***, but his stand-up is simply garbage.
@NblookM
@BabyBoomerCore
"Hi, mind standing still for a sec while I read all this shit on your hat? Hang on, I need my glasses. Nuts, these are my see-ers, I need my readers. One minute..."
@JordanUhl
Please put a trigger warning on that, my brother was beaten to death with a bike helmet over the course of six weeks while all I could do is stand by and yell NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
@kingceleryman
@steinkobbe
It's just called a children's book because it uses simple sentences and is heavily illustrated. But it's intended demographic are people who buy blue ticks on Twitter.
@LizardRumsfeld
When someone is throwing their hair around, you definitely want to go for a medium long shot, to show that the moment isn't that intimate.
@T0Paine
"Latest fad" hits particularly hard here, in light of Hasbara tactics insisting that protestors don't really care otherwise they'd be protesting US support for... erm... Sudanese genocide.
@IwriteOK
Uh, Robert, I think you'll find it was ILLEGAL for slaves to break free of their masters' whips. What Brown should have done was petition the court or maybe vote Dem.
@thomas_violence
"You're right, joining a union IS a dumb idea! We're all family! I'm going to work forty extra hours off the clock this week! It's for my family (Pepsico megacorp $24B revenue)!"
@ZuzuQueenOfMars
@DeaconBlues0
What if you’re in the town square and there’s a bomb set to go off at 1110 and your phone’s dead and no one’s around because they evacuated because of the bomb and… wait, this isn’t working. What if an angry god sends you to the 16th century and
@junglejuddy
@LozzaFox
The sentence was a little too complicated for you, I take it. Hey, I've taught kids how to read - let me know if you want me to diagram it for you!
@skyyharrington
@TheKennyDevine
I'm lying under a pile of rubble of a building that was struck by smerch rockets, and it occurs to me: This is just as bad as the time I had to wear a mask at Bunnings.
@allahliker
It's been going for so long that hot chicks have had time to develop the gene where they automatically clam up when a dishevelled stinking nerd approaches them with a lavalier mic.
@CSMFHT
They would've had gold and silver then, too. The metals are just as easy to smel- hang on, there's someone at my door. You're who? The killjoy-eating monster? What the hell is- AAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Before anyone starts with their community notes bullshit, I performed the autopsy on this man. It is something I will never forget. The rictus on his face. Pain from dying due to massive nutsack trauma.
@KDuffChicago
@IwriteOK
@BillFOXLA
This is NOT funny. My dad died eating bird seed in the middle of a bullseye. If only he’d seen the anvil suspended overhead. His body was squashed like an accordion… 😭
@ByYourLogic
@MandelaFace
Like the goon with a hundred petrabytes of porn who wanted a script to randomly delete them over time because he couldn’t bear doing it himself. Or just formatting his drives.
@JoshDenny
I've just received word that Gavin will be released IF he can name TWENTY brands of cereal while prison guards beat him with truncheons. Please send your thoughts, prayers, and - most importantly - some names of cereal brands. It is a matter of urgency.
@enarcheepoiesen
@Potatopolitics
Love it when people who have no clue how research works weigh in with n the problematics of someone’s research. Always the best.
@SmoothDunk
I think if nothing else Chernobyl taught us we're no good at managing this planet. Hopefully the wolves evolve a few other talents and they can have a turn.
@ArturoProg5
@willsommer
They're in Chapter 11 bankruptcy, which I believe means you're allowed to operate while they figure out where all the money is and how you're going to pay off your creditors. Disclaimer: I am a dumbass, that's just my understanding of it.
@ShireenQudosi
@LozzaFox
Is this seriously the first time you've seen one of these. Be honest now - do you expect anyone to believe you haven't seen this until now?
This is a straight up lie that's guaranteed to go viral (whether it's from climate deniers or from people who think you can just reduce demand). The pic is from a test of a helicopter de-icing system in 2016; modern turbines in sub zero climates have in-built de-icing systems.
@JMWhit6
@_celia_bedelia_
They probably saw one of those Christian anti-abortion films where the fetus grabs the doctor's chainsaw-wielding hand and screams NOOOOOOOO!!! They think, 'wow, didn't know that about fetuses.'
@RockNRollVA
@davenewworld_2
@jackiread
Multiple juries said Philly fucked up. Had to pay out over 14 mil to victims. Philly gave a formal apology. Sounds like they get that what they did was brutal and stupid, maybe you should catch up.
@badpersonclub
@steinkobbe
It’d he funny if he got perma’d and we see him and Loomer handcuffed to a lamppost outside Twitter HQ asking employees on their lunch break if they could fetch the key they threw away.
@CJTheran
@aaronsibarium
Even if we grant him that they couldn't have shot him until he started firing on kids - completely nuts, but let's go with this for a sec - what about standing around for over an hour when he was shooting up kids? Did we reach the probably cause threshold at this point? Hmm?
@maleficaria
@ax_angelo
Not true, women are nice to me all the time. I’m ugly as sin, clearly not gay, and don’t have two turds to rub together. So that fucks that theory.
@HanDirk
@MisterABK
It's like those Icelandic crime dramas where the body count is up there with a minor war. Meanwhile, the murder rate in Iceland is, like, 2 a year. And that was people fighting over brennivin, so there's no mystery to solve.
@MattBinder
It's amazing how easily this guy falls into traps. If he was a roadrunner, the coyote would have caught him in the first cartoon. In the first 30 seconds.
@jabso
@thomas_violence
I'm not sure what's funnier: this joke, or the fact people think you're serious even though the opening line of R&J is right here on the internets, ready to check.
@thefinchster22
@ByYourLogic
"Let's say, hypothetically, I hold the football, then just before you kick it, I take... You know, I take it away. That's social... That's socialism."