Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos -
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Yesterday I overheard some teenage girls saying they didn’t have enough money to get home so I put £2 on their Oyster card for them and now I’m too scared to go on Insta in case I’m the subject of a viral video called ‘WHAT THIS ELDERLY LADY DID TO HELP WILL ASTOUND YOU’
28 years ago today my sister was born 6 weeks early and now she’s a nurse at Great Ormond Street Hospital looking after other premature babies and there’s no joke here I’m just proud of her! 🎂 🎉
Next year’s Edinburgh Fringe is undoubtedly going to be a lot smaller, but not nearly as small as it would be if just 10% of dads in the 90s had learnt to use the phrase ‘well done’
10 years ago today I broke up with my first boyfriend. I was devastated, I cried on the bus all the way home. Everyone said it would get better. And now? 10 years on, and he still won’t reply to my calls or texts.
I just saw a Scottish kid at Kings Cross shout ‘Platform nine and quarters!’ and run into a wall and I’m truly sorry but it was funnier than any of your Edinburgh previews.
If Boris gets to go to Chequers for Christmas I think we should riot. I want him stuck at Downing St with the baby crying, nothing in the fridge, Carrie opening a Joni Mitchell CD and freaking out
The QC has given what will be interpreted as her take on the Roald Dahl fiasco, telling authors at a reception at Clarence House: “Please remain true to your calling, unimpeded by those who may wish to curb the freedom of your expression or impose limits on your imagination.”
As someone who writes topical jokes for a living, I’m very excited for PM Liz Truss. And as a human who lives in the UK, I’m very excited to walk directly into the calm embrace of the sea.
I was missing proper coffees so my boyfriend made a coffee shop for us at home! He’s locked the toilets and told me I cant use them unless I purchase something.
My mum: Your Dad loves you he’s just incapable of expressing his emotions
My dad: I love you so much and I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved
Mum: *shaking her head* So sad, just can’t express it
Dad: You kids are the reason I get up in the morning
Mum: Man of few words!
This was only ever going to end one way: Gareth Southgate striding onto the pitch to take the final deciding penalty. Only then will the curse be broken.
Hello, so sorry to bother you, a salaried employee! Just wondering if it might be at all possible for someone to pay me, a freelancer, for my invoice from 3 months ago? No worries if not! No worries if not!
In these trying times...may I suggest, a jacket potato? They’re cheap, delicious, and you can just bung them in the oven for an hour while you have a cry in the bath.
Told my boyfriend I needed to drink more water and he brought me a glass of water and I said obviously I’m not going to drink more water stop being so fucking literal all the time
If people could stop calling my boyfriend a ‘toxic male’ for spending hundreds of pounds on surprise Spice Girls tickets, face glitter, a gig t-shirt, a £7.50 glass of rosé, & then singing all of 2 Become 1 with me, that would be wonderful. 👌🏻 thanks in advance! ❤️
Hi, if you know me in real life can you do me a favour and call my phone? I’m going to pick up and say ‘Sorry, I can’t talk, this is the Quiet carriage’ - just to remind the two bitches behind me.
I went food shopping today and there was a woman at the till crying because she’d forgotten her debit card, so I went over and I said can I have your eggs and toilet roll please?
I’m sorry this isn’t a joke but why is Bridgerton so bad? Why is all the acting CBeebies level? Why is there no subtext? Why did I laugh when that guy died from a bee?
Kate’s sitting at home in her dressing gown absolutely pissing herself laughing. Will sending her sneaky texts like ‘Please, please just say you’ve gone into labour. I can be there with the police escort in ten minutes’.
#Queensbirthdayparty
Hi Katie could the tweet say something like
@MrNishKumar
is a fantastic comedian and great friend who has definitely done kissing with more than one woman and satire will be all the poorer for his departure from this show
Gonna tell you a little secret about the BBC (I’m def not allowed to tweet this). No one on any BBC show has ever worn a Poppy - they’re all CGI’d on later at ENORMOUS cost to the taxpayer.
Hi
@BorisJohnson
- just about to pay my tax bill but wondering if you want to just DM me the bank details for one of your mates and I can just send it straight through? Might be easier. Thanks hun hope you’re well xx
My new restaurant idea: DIPS & BITS. It’s all starters and picky bits while you read the menu. We’re talking bread, dips, poppadoms, pitta, hummus, olives. No main courses available. Just dips and bits.
I was viewing a flat this evening and the kid’s bedroom had one of those toy stove play sets and I said ‘oh, second kitchen’ and...absolutely nobody laughed.
When I was 6 years old I put my sister in a box and wrote ‘Crazy baby’ on the side. I genuinely think this must have been the first joke I ever wrote? And ok it was prop comedy but we all have to start somewhere.
Got married on Saturday and did a bouquet toss for the unmarried men and LET ME TELL YOU it changes the dynamic completely and it was very funny. Would recommend. (Fucked the throw though cos I’m a girl)
Today I sat my partner down and told him that I think our 15 month son could be a Traitor. My evidence:
- Doesn’t gain us any money for the group
- Doesn’t join in conversations
- Hasn’t once said that he’s ‘100% a Faithful’