Katie Storey @KEStorey Twitter profile

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Katie Storey

4 years

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos - Me: And I must never open it? Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

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Last Seen Profiles

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

This advent calendar is shit. There's no chocolate and it just makes me cry all the time.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

That Sterling piece 😩 ❤️

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Yesterday I overheard some teenage girls saying they didn’t have enough money to get home so I put £2 on their Oyster card for them and now I’m too scared to go on Insta in case I’m the subject of a viral video called ‘WHAT THIS ELDERLY LADY DID TO HELP WILL ASTOUND YOU’

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

When a car alarm goes off it should just shout the name of the registered owner of the car over and over again

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

My mum when I ask her how to clean a skirting board

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

28 years ago today my sister was born 6 weeks early and now she’s a nurse at Great Ormond Street Hospital looking after other premature babies and there’s no joke here I’m just proud of her! 🎂 🎉

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

That's how casting works.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

Queen: Ok to avoid the awkwardnesss about Harry, I’ve decided that everyone should be in... William: Gran no Queen: *looks to camera* Suits...

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Next year’s Edinburgh Fringe is undoubtedly going to be a lot smaller, but not nearly as small as it would be if just 10% of dads in the 90s had learnt to use the phrase ‘well done’

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

Asked my boyfriend what he's planned for us later and he just said "Valentine's means Valentine's and we're going to make a success of it".

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

Imagine having to explain WHSmiths to someone not from the UK

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

When you see this guy you know someone fucked up

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Men! Did you know it IS possible to speak to a young woman without putting your hand on her lower back?!

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

PAY YOUR FREELANCERS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Welcome to Twitter. You follow Chrissy Teigen even if you don’t actually follow Chrissy Teigen.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Who decided to call it a second wave and not deja-flu?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

10 years ago today I broke up with my first boyfriend. I was devastated, I cried on the bus all the way home. Everyone said it would get better. And now? 10 years on, and he still won’t reply to my calls or texts.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

I’ll say it did

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

The new Ariel is half human, half whitebait.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

From John Humphrys. Can you imagine a female broadcaster being able to admit they didn't do even the most basic prep for their job?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

We *did* win this pub quiz and when they read out our team name everyone in the pub booed us as we went up to collect our money 🎉

Glenn Moore (Insta: @glennrogermoore)

@TheNewsAtGlenn

7 years

Hope I win this pub quiz

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

I’m setting up a GoFundMe for the Edinburgh landlords who won’t be able to pay this year’s mortgage from one single monthly payment this August

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

Sounds like something someone who sells cleanser would say

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Now he’s pissed off his neighbours who’s going to sign for his Amazon packages when he’s away in Durham?

Tali Fraser

@TaliFraser

4 years

My word. This from Dominic Cummings street is particularly tense.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Candle boss: Could you step into my office for a moment? Label designer: Sure, is t he re a pro b l em?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

11 years

I love this photo #CabinPressure Best job ever! Thank you @JohnFinnemore x x x http://t.co/LPz7HUEddX

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

Ep 87 - Raincoats and Recipes 'Would you just stand still?' #153DaysofGilmore

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

Crazy how all these boomers were kids during the 1976 heatwave but also somehow also alive during the Blitz?!

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

really can’t explain why but Big Jet TV today has such ‘dog in the playground’ energy and I know you all know what I mean by that

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

I just saw a Scottish kid at Kings Cross shout ‘Platform nine and quarters!’ and run into a wall and I’m truly sorry but it was funnier than any of your Edinburgh previews.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

I lent @AhirShah a hair tie for Mock The Week and jokingly gave him my address to send it back and honestly this is the best post I’ve ever received

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

If Boris gets to go to Chequers for Christmas I think we should riot. I want him stuck at Downing St with the baby crying, nothing in the fridge, Carrie opening a Joni Mitchell CD and freaking out

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Oh boy that caveat

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

The Royals won’t go on record to defend Meghan against Jeremy Clarkson etc but they will be drawn into some pointless culture war. Cool cool.

Victoria Ward

@victoria_ward

2 years

The QC has given what will be interpreted as her take on the Roald Dahl fiasco, telling authors at a reception at Clarence House: “Please remain true to your calling, unimpeded by those who may wish to curb the freedom of your expression or impose limits on your imagination.”

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

As someone who writes topical jokes for a living, I’m very excited for PM Liz Truss. And as a human who lives in the UK, I’m very excited to walk directly into the calm embrace of the sea.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

When my boss asks what I’m doing when I’m working from home:

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

I was missing proper coffees so my boyfriend made a coffee shop for us at home! He’s locked the toilets and told me I cant use them unless I purchase something.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

My mum: Your Dad loves you he’s just incapable of expressing his emotions My dad: I love you so much and I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved Mum: *shaking her head* So sad, just can’t express it Dad: You kids are the reason I get up in the morning Mum: Man of few words!

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

7 years

This last line would make the best sitcom episode.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

It’s 1st December so here we go...

Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

This advent calendar is shit. There's no chocolate and it just makes me cry all the time.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

*raises hand* Hello, yes, I have a question about the Hen Do itinerary? Yeah there doesn’t seem to be an hour allotted for ‘quiet private reading’ ?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

This was only ever going to end one way: Gareth Southgate striding onto the pitch to take the final deciding penalty. Only then will the curse be broken.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Hello, so sorry to bother you, a salaried employee! Just wondering if it might be at all possible for someone to pay me, a freelancer, for my invoice from 3 months ago? No worries if not! No worries if not!

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

In these trying times...may I suggest, a jacket potato? They’re cheap, delicious, and you can just bung them in the oven for an hour while you have a cry in the bath.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Told my boyfriend I needed to drink more water and he brought me a glass of water and I said obviously I’m not going to drink more water stop being so fucking literal all the time

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

Sorry but how do you come back from a Caribbean holiday looking this fucked?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

If people could stop calling my boyfriend a ‘toxic male’ for spending hundreds of pounds on surprise Spice Girls tickets, face glitter, a gig t-shirt, a £7.50 glass of rosé, & then singing all of 2 Become 1 with me, that would be wonderful. 👌🏻 thanks in advance! ❤️

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

Fuck the fuck off

Meanwhile in Canada

@MeanwhileinCana

6 years

Whoa

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Hi, if you know me in real life can you do me a favour and call my phone? I’m going to pick up and say ‘Sorry, I can’t talk, this is the Quiet carriage’ - just to remind the two bitches behind me.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

Theresa May needs to hold up Brexit and ask herself if it sparks joy.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

I don’t believe David Attenborough about how many plastic bags are in the sea because they’re actually all in the boot of my mum’s car.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

7 years

Heard your boyfriend buys his coconut milk from the curry section and not the world food aisle, despite the clear price difference.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

Not bothered about pounds and ounces but can we standardise once and for all what hairdressers think ‘an inch’ means?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

My boyfriend was watching Marriage Story with his parents and I briefly convinced him there’s a rimming scene.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

I went food shopping today and there was a woman at the till crying because she’d forgotten her debit card, so I went over and I said can I have your eggs and toilet roll please?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

I’m sorry this isn’t a joke but why is Bridgerton so bad? Why is all the acting CBeebies level? Why is there no subtext? Why did I laugh when that guy died from a bee?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Prince Philip’s doctor: *indicates his date of birth* Well, there’s your problem

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

Kate’s sitting at home in her dressing gown absolutely pissing herself laughing. Will sending her sneaky texts like ‘Please, please just say you’ve gone into labour. I can be there with the police escort in ten minutes’. #Queensbirthdayparty

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

My mum’s so angry about this she says she’s DM’d Piers Morgan on Instagram

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

Hi Katie could the tweet say something like @MrNishKumar is a fantastic comedian and great friend who has definitely done kissing with more than one woman and satire will be all the poorer for his departure from this show

U&Dave

@davechannel

3 years

We interrupt your doomscrolling for a message from @MrNishKumar

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Gonna tell you a little secret about the BBC (I’m def not allowed to tweet this). No one on any BBC show has ever worn a Poppy - they’re all CGI’d on later at ENORMOUS cost to the taxpayer.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Lou Bega: I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita, and as I continue you know they’re getting sweeter Angela: sorry what the fuck?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

My brother is moving to China in two weeks and sent us a photo of him in one of those air-filtration masks. Then this happened. #HalloweenOrSex

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

I bought my wedding dress today and it has pockets

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

I honestly think Boris Johnson is the best leader Labour have had in a long time

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

1 year

And you can’t tell the difference between the one under Waitrose

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Did he... did he sleep with the clown?

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Thanks to all the men messaging me to tell me it’s not about gender 👌🏻

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Please don’t worry if you don’t manage to write your novel, or learn a language, during lockdown. You can always get to it during the second wave.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

I know you have five real horses but can you just tell him you liked it? He's the leader of the Free World, George

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Hi @BorisJohnson - just about to pay my tax bill but wondering if you want to just DM me the bank details for one of your mates and I can just send it straight through? Might be easier. Thanks hun hope you’re well xx

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

7 years

Please offer these seats to the Emcee from Cabaret.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

My new restaurant idea: DIPS & BITS. It’s all starters and picky bits while you read the menu. We’re talking bread, dips, poppadoms, pitta, hummus, olives. No main courses available. Just dips and bits.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

They call it Two for Tuesday for a reason 🍕

Glenn Moore (Insta: @glennrogermoore)

@TheNewsAtGlenn

3 years

Got engaged, got a Domino’s

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

Interviewer: So what skills do you have? Me: Show me a picture of a sketch comedy group and I will tell you who is ‘the admin one’

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

I was viewing a flat this evening and the kid’s bedroom had one of those toy stove play sets and I said ‘oh, second kitchen’ and...absolutely nobody laughed.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

Just heard the sad news. The man who invented standardised pricing has died. RRP.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

3 years

The one drawback of wearing a mask is that they will write ‘Titty’ on your Starbucks

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

It’s December 1st so here we go again

Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

This advent calendar is shit. There's no chocolate and it just makes me cry all the time.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

Please remember to wash your Hanks

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

STOP FILMING PEOPLE IN PUBLIC.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

7 years

Hello, I'm Kirsty Young. Thank you for downloading this podcast- Me: FOR RIGHTS REASONS THE MUSIC CHOICES ARE SHOR-

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

This week I learnt that the surname ‘Fetherstonhaugh’ is pronounced ‘Fanshaw’ and honestly I’m still furious about it.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

1 year

She’s everything. He’s just Glenn.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

This is the city-equivalent of your ex posing happily with their new girlfriend

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

5 years

I could post a photo of me with a copy of today’s newspaper and holding up my passport and there’d be some man to reply saying ‘This tweet is stolen’

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

When I was 6 years old I put my sister in a box and wrote ‘Crazy baby’ on the side. I genuinely think this must have been the first joke I ever wrote? And ok it was prop comedy but we all have to start somewhere.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

The worst thing about planning a wedding is being quoted £17,500 for dinner for 120 people like that’s an in any way normal thing to happen

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

Please, my horse, he is very thicc.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

7 years

I'm so happy I legit just proposed to my boyfriend. He said no, but that's not important right now.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

6 years

It's such a shame there are only two female comedians available to gig across these 7 weeks. Guess they must all be busy.

Chortle Comedy

@chortle

6 years

London's Winter Wonderland to host a nightly comedy club | Seven weeks of gigs in Hyde Park attraction

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

4 years

It’s bleak out there and everything seems depressing, but remember it’s only a few months til Eat Out 2 Help Out starts in January

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

10 months

Got married on Saturday and did a bouquet toss for the unmarried men and LET ME TELL YOU it changes the dynamic completely and it was very funny. Would recommend. (Fucked the throw though cos I’m a girl)

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

2 years

Today I sat my partner down and told him that I think our 15 month son could be a Traitor. My evidence: - Doesn’t gain us any money for the group - Doesn’t join in conversations - Hasn’t once said that he’s ‘100% a Faithful’

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey

8 years

Always the bridesmaid, never the wise-cracking detective inspector with a troubled past but a heart of gold.

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Katie Storey

@KEStorey