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howard 🥧

@mistahowie

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ramblings of hogwash and such

Belly, Beast
Joined October 2020
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: ..and that apparently she preferred more average sized men. Like, in what world is 4’3 not a respectable height? Fuck her. anyways thats whats going on with my life. Whats up with you? Kid I keep travelling back in time to talk to: mother sayeth we can’t hangeth out anym're
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
I think most people underestimate how little being 5’4 is. I’m literally hopping around on my phone rn to type tjis out
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
12 days
Okay dude sorry fuck. My fucking fault
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
25 days
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Gnome in a gaming chair. Wizard driving an 18 wheeler. Goblin giving someone a haircut. These are just a few of the many things my imagination is capable of
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Wife: *cutting my hands off* Me: Goddammit babe. how am i supposed to type on the computer now Wife: idk but I’m mad at you. Figure it out *at my computer* Me: Now type to him, “check the scoreboard gaywad” Make sure all lowercase. thats important 4 y.o. son Defferson: Ok
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Bout to indulge myself in some lovely cheese! 😋🧀 𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙪𝙨𝙚𝙧 𝙞𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙞𝙣 𝙖 𝙢𝙤𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙥
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
Me: *walking out of time machine with two six packs of beers* Guess who’s back 😛 Group of cavemen: *howling and beating their chest, some of them come up to me and dap me up*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Can all my 5’4 kings jump on the like button for this one
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
25 days
Hot woman that I am on a date with: So *twirling her hair* What do you like to do outside of work? 😏 Me: *fingers tented* I like to frequent the bathroom quite a bit.
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
During free time my wife lets me scurry around in the backyard while she tries to shoot me with a flintlock pistol
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
3 months
Me: *standing up in the middle of Algebra I* Enough about linear equations! I want to learn about interest rates, about taxes! Real stuff! Teacher: Class, what do y’all say? Should we learn about real stuff? Or should we all kill him? Class: *in unison* KILL HIM KILL HIM KILL
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
*plucking the hairs off of my Dad’s back* He love me😃 He loves me not😔 He loves me😄 He loves me not😞 Dad: oof😣 ow😖 owie😬yeowch😫 Me: …aaand He loves me not😢 Dad: Dont worry son *pulls down pants to reveal his hairy ass* keep goin Our kidnappers: lets just return them
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
@dumbmanwhore Wdym. i love hopping around. its fun
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 month
In the middle of my best man’s speech I point to the groom and say “real ones remember his one Transgression” and then resume the usual compliments and witticisms
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
6 months
Skeleton Spearman $12-$22 an hour Job type - Part-time Location: The Evil Lord's Castle Benefits - 401(k) - Flexible schedule - Health Insurance
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
*12 three-inch men walk past me on the sidewalk* Da hell? where are you fellers off to Three-inch man with a red hat: we’re off to see the world Naked three-inch man: Indeed! Me: Well, safe travels then men! *walking away and whispering to myself* that naked guy was packing…
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
7 months
Me: If you plant a seed in the stomach of a boy, which grows faster? The boy or the seed? Eldest son Erick: The boy Me: Wrong 😵💥🔫🙂 Second eldest Rich: T-the seed? Me: Nope 😵💥🔫🙂 Youngest son Deffy: Time moves the same for both Me: *tossing him a peanut* Thats my boy
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 months
Q: How many calories are in slop? A: Slop contains approximately 870 calories.
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
11 months
Just saw a man being carried by a bunch of ants into an anthill. None of my business though
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
6 months
Me: Dude if a girl called me princess I would fall in love dude Job interviewer: *leaning back in his chair, legs on the desk, drinking Tropical Punch Kool-Aid* Lowkey same bro
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Police: Sooo you saw an alien👮‍♂️📝 Me: Y-yes. I swear to God you have to believe me Police: Hmm, lemme get a consult on this. Hey Blunk! Alien in police uniform: Greetings 🖖👽 Me: That’s… thats him right there 🫣 Police: Who him? that’s Officer Blunk Blunk: Greetings 🖖👽
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Group of babies completely calmed out of their minds passing around a pacifier like its a joint while watching sensory videos
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
(To the hibachi chef) Hey can you stop doing all that? like can you just make the fucking food already Hibachi chef: *throws his spatula at me and impales my chest, killing me instantly* The people around me: Wowww 😮👏
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
@mensa_genius Lol these are like guys i imagine in my head when im bored at work
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
7 months
Me: *posting a picture of a sandwich I made in family gc* a simple ham & cheese for today :) Mom: Looks great honey ❤️ Her new boyfriend Ted: lol what a gay fucking sandwich. you get that from the gay fucking sandwich store? Dad: get his ass Ted
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
shotgunning a potion
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
Me: ….Oh yeah i also hit 2000 followers today. Pretty sick :) My mom’s grave: 🪦 Me: Yeah *kicking my foot in the dirt* i probably should get a job
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: so this is Meat Boy. one of my favorites on here Date: Uh huh Me: And this is Dagger– oh wait…. Date: is.. is everything okay? Me: *falling to the floor and curling up into a ball, sobbing* I’m sorry but you have to leave
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: Lets see uhhh.. hmm. I’ll have the Bowl of Goop? Waitress: Oh sorry we’re all out of goop ☹️ Me: thats fine. Just looked interesting. ill have the chicken alfredo then 🙂 Waitress: oooh sorry he’s getting married today Me: Who is? Waitress: The chicken 🫤
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
*getting into going outside* Wow. nature is actually the most beautiful thing in the world. Almost makes me want to quit video games forev— *I fall down hole in the ground and end up in rural China* buh… wuh? 😵‍💫 Chinese cow: 哞
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: Who’s the modt beautiful boy in the world? 😊 My 4 year old son Defferson: Me me me! it’s me i am! Me: …. and whos the uh second most beautiful boy My ugly 45 year old foster adult Drek: Uhhhhhh that would beee me 🙂👈
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
9 months
My Grandpa ate the willy wonka pancake at IHOP and his skin turned purple and he blew up to the size of a hot air balloon and exploded into a cloud of purple mist
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
7 months
Waiter: I’m sorry sir but I’m kindly asking you to get up Me: *gets up* Waiter: Now sit Me: *sits down on the floor* Waiter: Spin around Me: *crawling in a circle on all fours* Waiter: BANG! 🙂👉 Me: *falls down on the floor and plays dead* My date: Impressive 😯
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Date: so you’re a wizard of some kind? Me: *wearing a cloak and a pointy hat* Somewhat yeah.. can we not talk about my work? I’d like to get to know y— Date: so you likee, cast spells and stuff like that Me: *sighs* *taking a swig from a potion* Its gonna be a long night…
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: Hi friend :) *holding out mug* wanna Cup-o-Joes? Friend: Sure, *takes mug* But isn’t it just Cup-o-Joe—what in the! there’s… a bunch of little men in here… Me: yurp Friend: They’re all named Joe? Me: well, One of them goes by steven Stefan: ᵘᵐᵐ ᵃᶜᵗᵘᵃˡˡʸ🧍‍♂️
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
dont think I can ever top this one
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@sir_benedictx
Bereketeab
@sir_benedictx
1 year
Favorite tweet of your own?
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
8 months
Before an evil wizard turned my wife into a deer, we struggled to spend quality time together. Now she frolics in our backyard while I gather grasses and nuts for us to eat
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
@PanicNotPancake I taught him everything he knows
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
@god_brane Thats me thats my house i live there
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
7 months
*walking out of the weight room with a dumbell-shaped dent in my head* Man those things are heavy
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 months
My wingman shoots a single flaming arrow into the sky, signaling for me to come over and introduce myself
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Judge: For the crime of compressing a man with your hands until he turned into a tiny ball. The jury finds you… not guilty Me: Let’s go. my man *dapping up my lawyer* Lawyer: We are so back Plaintiff: this is fucking bullshit *hops off his seat & rolls out of the courtroom*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
@ryanposting I’m skeptical that numbers can even go that high
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
8 months
Fortune teller: *eyes suddenly open, glowing* Oh dear… there is darkness that lies ahead in your future… Me: But surely there are moments of light as well? Fortune teller: Nope. only turmoil Me: Aw man
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: *crashing thru the neighbors window* Neighbor: what are- Me: 🤫 Neighbor: *whispering* what are you doing in my house Me: The Beast is after me.. I’ll need to stay here for a couple nights Wife: *outside shouting, toothbrush in hand* C’mon babe! It only takes 3 minutes!
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
*group of Guys having a laugh* Dad: *walking up to them* Hi there 👋 mind if my son gets a riff in? Guy 1: umm *looking at Guy 2* Guy 2: uhh, sureee man Dad: Alright my boy. show em what youre made of! Me: Ahem….. Me colon, asterisk hornily asterisk, Nice ass Pops comma,
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Just ate a weird mushroom and it made me really good at math
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 months
@smokeismedicine About twice a day I imagine myself using expert taekwondo moves to prevent 9/11
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Check out the map that my 10 year old brother made for his roleplaying game
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: *whistling and skipping on my walk* 300 bees: We’ll spare him, seems like he’s having a good day today Pack of wolves: I guess so. let’s scram fellas Woman with her group of friends stumbling across my Hinged profile: Lol what kind of job is Master of the Arcane Arts
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
*dirty talking during sex* Yeah? You like that? You like it when I’m whimsical in nature?
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
Last year my Dad wanted to hunt his own turkey and accidentally shot a 4 year old kid that wandered into the woods. We had the worst Thanksgiving dinner ever that day
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me with the cat I’ve known for 10 minutes: You are precious to me. You are the only light in my life Me with my 4 year old Son Defferson: Do the Dunce Dance Deffy boy Defferson: Yes sir *puts on a Dunce cap and does the Dunce Dance*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
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@errai
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@errai
1 year
Qrt with your most tweet
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: Ermmm, he’s right behind me isn’t he ☝️😅 Serial killer (standing in front of me): No ,
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
8 months
Fucking hell some smartass built a second house around my house while I was taking a nap. Whoever did this fuck you
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
*showing my wife a graph of Chores over Time* So you see, rough start at the beginning, but I’ve got a steady line upwards these past few months Wife: what does this have to do with coming up with a name for our son Me: *clicking on next slide that just has big words: Grundle*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Bouncer: ID please Me: Of course :) *hands him a fake ID of a fat white guy who clearly isn’t me* Here you go Bouncer: we cant let you in with this Me: Oh god silly me, that one’s expired! 😂 This is the one *hands him an ID with the same fat white guy but he’s smiling now*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Comedian: …Lol How about you. what do you do Me: I’m a court eunuch Comedian: Ok so you basically suck the king’s little ass dick *audience laughs* How about you. yeah the shady guy up front. What do you do Hooded figure: I am… *takes off his hood* The King. *audience gasps*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 month
“You don’t post the way you used to” “Your posts suck ass” “Just deactivate already” *drinks a serum that makes me an inch taller* “You’re much taller than the last time I saw you” “Something about you changed” “Have you been wearing the same shirt for a week straight?”
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
8 months
Found The Amulet at Goodwill today for only $2.00
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
8 months
@richard_normal
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
11 months
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
2 years
Mom: hey make sure you take the trash out today Me: My Reaction To That Information *accidentally sending a blurry mirror pic of me in my underwear*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: So now that we’ve met irl what kinda vibes do i give off? ☺️ Date: definitely chaotic evil Me: Whaaat. what makes you say that lol Date: uhhhhmm…. The crow on my shoulder: *whispering into my ear* Shall we kill her sire Me: Patience my friend … Only if she betrays us…
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
A guy at the office has a purple wife and whenever we make fun of him for something he always retaliates with, “Youre just mad my bitch is purple!” and it’s funny every time
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
*turning the light on in my apartment* Ahhhh home sweet home ☺️ *taking my shirt, pants, and diaper off* no feeling better than being completely nakey 😌 *kissing a framed photo of a random woman I took a picture of on the subway two weeks ago* I cant wait for you to be my wife
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: *covered head to toe in slime* Mornin Wife: Mornin. Anything happen yesterday? Me: Nope Wife: yeah? 🤨 whats this? *turns laptop around to show me headline reading ‘Police Find No Fingerprints On Murder Weapon, Only Traces of Goo’* Me: okay first of all its slime, ☝️😐
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@mistahowie
2 years
The wifi password? yeah sure gimme a sec ☝️😋*pops open and reaches into my head like its a jar of pickles* Let’s seee *pulls orb displaying a memory of me walking in on my Dad* Woops 😳he he, thats for later 😉*puts hand back in and rummages once more*
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@mistahowie
1 year
Wife: Off to work Me: Bye honey see you later tonight! *waiting until she leaves the house* *pulling a mason jar out of my jacket pocket* G’morning little Gordie 😊👉🫙 Tiny Gordon Ramsay: *waking up* hrmm.. what the—oh fuck me i’m stuck in a fucking jar. un fucking believable
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
2 years
Me: 🎶I’m an innocent lad, With a frivolous dad And by God, does he love me sooo🎶 Dad: 🎶My son is reserved, And me humor’s absurd Our relationship can only groooow🎶 CPS: 🎶We’re here for your child,
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: i love yuo i freaking love you and your hot freaking body Snapchat AI: I’m not comfortable talking about that. Let’s talk about something else! Me: its sexy when u playhard to get… Wife: Who’re you texting Me: Uhm..uh….Paul😅 Wife: Paul who Me: *panicking* Paul Bunyan
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
1 year
Quora Question: A tiny portal opened up in my room. Should I fuck it? Quora Answer: Adornius Stearn PhD in the Mystic Arts, University College London (UCL) First off, you are by far the dumbest person I’ve ever encountered,
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Wile E. Coyote Youtube Channel I Tried ALL The Methods of Catching A Roadrunner So YOU Don’t Have To (thumbnail of Wile E. getting his skull crushed by an anvil and a big red arrow pointing at him with the words DON’T DO THIS!’)
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
7 months
They’re towing my ass the tow truck has hooked me by the collar of my shirt and is dragging me across the hot asphalt
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
3 months
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
1 year
Tried to do the thing where you wear a suit + bluetooth earpiece, walk into a Mcdonalds kitchen and act like your from corporate. All of the employees took one look at me were like, “Nope” stripped me naked and dropped me in the deep fryer
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
6 months
Personally, i think anyone can write poetry. And on top of that, there is a lump on my leg that wasn’t there before, and it grows larger with each passing day
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
3 months
Me: I don’t wash my hands because it gets rid of the pheromones you build up on your hands, which are necessary for attracting a mate Job Interviewer: Wait, really? Huh. i didn’t know that
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
10 months
@boonchibaby I explode and my bits of my body fly everywhere. I change the course of history for the worse
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Me: Idk i just feel like we have some sort of… connection. I’ve never met someone like you before The Entity: *constantly transforming and sending me images of the end of civilization to my brain* Me: It’s so hot when you do that
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@mistahowie
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@mistahowie
2 years
Me: How are you today my children My Triplet Sons: We Three are filled with Glee 😃😃😃
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@mistahowie
4 months
My 9 year old son won’t stop theorizing. It’s freaking me out. how do I get my son to stop theorizing
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
5 months
My wife likes to keep me in her jar. When I’m being a good boy she lets me out to play. When I’m being naughty she shakes my jar violently
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Mom: excuse me? Hi, have you seen a short, tiny man? like about.. yay high? 😊🫳 Target Employee: hmm lemme see… Oh! you mean that little freak over there? 🤨👉 Me: *trying to reach the second shelf for a Lego set* Mom: You have my gratitude 😌 *aims her pistol at me*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
7 months
@paynushurts What blew me away when I found out about gooning was that a lot of these guys have wives that just let them do this to their bathroom
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
@MILFmassacre @willmenaker This exact thing happened to me
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Me: hey man could you make me a sandwich real quick Friend: *wiping tears from his eyes* Dude…i just found out my Dad died Me: *rubbing belly* But me so hungryy 🫃 Friend: leave me alone man.. Me: sigh *putting my hands on his shoulders* I’m sorry for killing your Dad ok? 🙄
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Comedian: And so i said… Homer? I hardly know her! *Crowd all gets up from their seats in unison and gather in a formation of a laughing emoji* Comedian: alright my times up. You guys were a wonderful crowd *Formation splits into clapping and fire emoji*
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
11 months
Me: Yeah I’ll have the insect burger and the fruitfly lemonade and a side of flies My frog wife: Yes and I’ll just have a mealworm salad please Applebee’s waiter: None of these items are on the menu
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
1 year
Host of podcast called ‘Goblin Hunters’: ..and so we just watched that green little freak’s life drain out of his eyes Me: Damnn Host: Yeah. anyways, got anything you wanna plug? Me: ye im gonna be performing down at the Market in May Host: go check him out guys. great jester
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 months
Realtor: And here’s the master bedroom. Has a large walk-in closet and balcony that overlooks the city. Over here is the washroom— Me: Right right that’s very cool. Where is the laboratory? Wife: omg babe stop 🤦🏻‍♀️ Realtor: I’m sorry? The laboratory? Me: Yeah. for experiments
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Wife: Please just get him out of here! you said only for a week, it’s been three months! Me: but he’s got nowhere else to go.. his whole forest got burned down… 🥺 Little gnome on my couch shoving Doritos in his mouth: what’s da Hulu pass word
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
10 months
Walked in on my boss making a realistic 3D model of my naked body in Blender
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Son: Daddy? can i stay up just a little bit longer? Me: Of course you ca– Jiminy Cricket: Now now, a young man must learn about discipline. it’s important to teach them such things at a young age ☝️😌 Me: I see.. what say you? Evil Jiminy Cricket: i say you kill the fucker
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
Hottest girl ever 1: Uh uh girl, that man is a lost cause. He is unfixable Hottest girl ever 2: I dunno, *twirling hair* are you sure? he’s kinda cute.. 😏 Me: *wearing bright colored clothes and a propeller cap, tongue stuck to my giant rainbow lollipop* Ebening labies
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@mistahowie
howard 🥧
@mistahowie
2 years
@Daggerlad2
Tweet media one
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