Michael Kandel @K_A_N_D_E_L Twitter profile

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

the bear video game actually looks pretty cool

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 years

lowkey nervous heading into junior year of covid

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

me and my girlfriend saw you from across the restaurant. are you gonna finish that

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

happy father's day to my dad, who once texted me this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

(hitting on women in the olympic village) no, I didn’t medal (chuckling to myself) would you like to know why

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

13 days

in 6th grade my circle was exclusively guys like this

Roy Donk

@RoyDonkRizz

14 days

Unbelievable backpack to human ratio on this lad

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

this was really hard to do, but I’m glad I did it ❤️

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

"reckoner" by radiohead was just playing in the coffee shop when a hot girl walked in and said to no one in particular, "what is this song? it's so beautiful," and like eight dudes immediately ripped their headphones off and stared at her. to witness the prophecy take shape

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

had a dream I told a profoundly funny joke to larger and larger audiences, who laughed harder and harder with each telling. woke up in the middle of the night and wrote it down. checked my nightstand in the morning and this was it

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

white boy GETS BY in chinese restaurant by POINTING at menu item until waiter NODS

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 months

uh oh..roommate relaxing in bed left his door open…..time to linger in the doorway and chat 😈

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

just heard a kid on a basketball court say “you kiss your mother’s asshole with that mouth” and everyone within a two-court radius stopped playing for a sec

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

next to the mute button there should be a "this guy is fine but let's scale him back 30%" button

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

there is something funny about how transphobic guys always start their spiel with a gender-bending guided meditation. like "okay, fellas. I want you to close your eyes and imagine you are a beautiful girl. kinda nice, right? well guess what: you're also very talented"

Matt Wallace

@MattWallace888

2 months

Imagine training hard your entire life like this girl only to have your gold medal stolen by a biological man 😭

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 month

couldn't be me, bro (I am suddenly struck with profound empathy) but I now see how it could be you

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 month

the bechdel test video game actually looks pretty cool

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

day in the life of my stay at home boyfriend

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 months

journalists interviewing someone they don't like

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

11 days

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

don’t be inconsistent bc I don’t play ✌🏻

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

9 months

"can you explain the gap on your resume" that's draw space. you can kind of do whatever you want there

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

9 months

(behind the wheel of a large automobile) wtf how did I get here (noticing my beautiful wife) ok nice. pros and cons to this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

I used AI to recreate my grandpa's dead wife and something amazing happened

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 days

I think I’m gonna be sick

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 years

“my life is a movie” my life is a short story. I do one boring task all day and reflect on three events that led me to that point. in the end my perspective changes slightly. or I do something incredibly violent

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

I don't fight with my roommates anymore thanks to this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

20 days

it must genuinely suck if you're on hour 4 of playing candy crush and someone suddenly shoots you for no good reason and you look up and it's your co-worker

Mayor Eric Adams

@NYCMayor

20 days

Earlier today, one of our officers was shot while protecting our subway system. I am relieved to report he is in good condition now, and we have arrested the suspect who put so many lives in danger. I cannot thank these officers enough for their bravery.

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

the oscars in memoriam is weird this year

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

how do I tell him….

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

do people with 9-5 jobs actually live like this?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

one of the guys said, "it's radiohead" and she said "oh, okay" and left.

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

What's your biggest regret in life?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

this productivity hack legit changed my life forever

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 months

my review of the apple vision pro

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

hey dude. that was a great riff, sorry everyone was talking over you. but don't worry, I'm gonna recreate the conditions necessary to get that riff off again. just be ready, k?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

9 days

walking up stairs two at a time is a form of self-expression for white guys

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

this new babylon bee podcast is actually pretty funny

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

this might be the weirdest christian podcast I've seen

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

(bene gesserit voice) make it the ocky way

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

he followed it up with “yo I didn’t even say that!” but he wasn’t responding to anyone in particular. just the mood

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

@doulbedoink reached across the political aisle and slapped me in the face

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 month

(guy who has synesthesia but for poop and pee) yeah this song reminds me of poop. and a little bit of pee

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

@jlmiciak not surprised. once I got to take a pic with conan but my eyes were closed so I asked if we could take another one and he said, “I’m gonna keep it a buck, I don’t want to touch you again” ???

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

legendary voice actor reveals amazing new character

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

this podcast is one of the weirdest disney marketing things I've come across

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

lindsey buckingham making stevie nicks work three jobs so he could play guitar all day is almost beyond parody of toxic male behavior, but 30s in to rumours it’s impossible not to think “okay but he really did hone his guitar technique”

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 months

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

(I don’t know who Drake is but it’s my turn to talk) Drake the type of dude to uh, well basically he would say something like “exqueeze me”? (everyone nods, light laughter) oh thank god

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

if memory serves, the joke was something I riffed to the pope, who was giving me a personal tour of an old building. he said I should tell the joke onstage (we had talked about how I was a comedian), and the dream kind of took a turn after that

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

(staring at my empty fridge) we can't replace dinner... (looking over at a bag of takis, a jar of honey-roasted peanuts, and a box of little debbie's swiss rolls on the counter) but we can recreate it in the aggregate

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

if you've ever struggled with your mental health, watch this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

to a white boy walking with headphones on, the road less traveled feels natural

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

my childhood guitar teacher listened to my new single and something amazing happened

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

if you don't already know, this is the sketch that got us in trouble

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

(in conversation with two beautiful women) that reminds me of a funny story (I realize they haven't passed the bechdel test yet) but I should probably leave you two alone now (as I walk away) it's important you don't talk about me at all

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

I beat my porn addiction thanks to this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

I tried this new dating app and something weird happened

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 years

when I get my $600 and $1400 checks

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

I hate when I’m ignoring someone’s texts and then they like a tweet or dm me on ig. great, now my “friend” is waging a multi-front war against me

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

I don’t normally post hinge texts but come on

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

vanquishing my haters 🫶

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

Landlords, ever tried working? Like we all do??? 🧐

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

you won't believe we're in our 30s. it's all thanks to this

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

8 months

you good, bro? why aren't you riffing with us

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

9 months

(roommate is doing something in the kitchen) hm, guess I should have checked my calendar. didn't know the in my fucking way parade was today

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

our buddy got dumped and now he's being kinda weird

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

enough. no it isn't

kate bush's husband

@airbagged

7 months

this is the coolest a guy has ever looked

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

this is west wing tv show

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

call ur dad and watch this when ur done

Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

What's your biggest regret in life?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

(comedian onstage but his son just made a Liar Liar-type wish for him not to be racist anymore) oh yeah? well my pronouns are he/him. wait, they're he/him. I meant he/him. he/him. what the....

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

5 months

taking the walgreens clerk from the toothpaste aisle to the melatonin gummy aisle so he can unlock another glass jail for me at 1am

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

@senator_gun cleared me tbh

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

I will never talk trash to Michael Jordan again

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

11 months

rock climbing gym receptionist: me: listen lady, I'm just trying to go 10 feet up on that wall. no harness, just 10 feet up. (puts $4.87 cash on the table) let's keep it simple. no paper. just 10 feet up. (she's looking at the security guard) don't look at him look at me

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

gonna tell my kids this was Chappell Roan (I will not lie to my children)

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

something crazy happened at game night

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

I hate how political comedy has gotten. what ever happened to just being funny, you know? that's why I've formed a super chill coalition of dudes who want to say slurs again, and we're recording the women who disagree with our movement

MoonMatt

@MoonMatt_

7 months

This bitch sucks #SNL

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

visiting home again

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

this will have you saying "it me"

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

user:Brian(box)

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 year

I actually did force her to live in NYC. Over the course of four years I made 7.3k people from the Columbus, OH metropolitan area move here. It was a weird time in my life which I understand is totally not an excuse, but yeah. She misses Target, she can’t leave, and it’s on me

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

I just came in Conan O'Brien's mouth!!!

First We Feast

@firstwefeast

6 months

caption this...

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

what would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

27 days

I feel like this was a reasonable request, right?

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 years

"having a viral tweet is your whole personality now" excuse me I have also been hit by a car

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

6 months

(taking a group photo with my friends but I hate one of them) okay and let's do one without jonathan, just in case

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 years

my grandchild: so the Iraq War was a "mood"? me: I don't think I'm explaining this right.

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

11 months

every high school friend when they visit you in nyc

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 months

I agree this makes bad standup much worse morally, but bad improv is hands down the worst live art experience man has conceived

romy rhoads ewing

@romyewing

2 months

bad stand-up is way worse than bad improv in the same way that premeditation makes something murder instead of manslaughter

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

2 years

didn’t get the brunch invite but that’s okay. my girlfriend has secured me in the crate and left several activities

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

9 months

this is how I earned LeBron's trust

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

10 months

watch till the end for a christmas miracle

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

3 months

spilling water everywhere at the family reunion and yelling “it ends with me!! it ends with me!!!”

Science girl

@gunsnrosesgirl3

3 months

How generational trauma works

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

I'm sorry but "landlord" isn't a real job. had to tell him off

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

my grandma is getting on my nerves

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

1 month

@Syfreeed that’s not my interpretation of the tweet, but I can totally understand and relate to your experience of it

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

7 months

@waziot this one's going worldwide. good velocity of likes, impressions:likes ratio very solid. you're in the pocket rn

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Michael Kandel

@K_A_N_D_E_L

4 months

(trying to sound smart on a hinge date) there's no word for this in the english language, but while in Jakarta, I felt something that loosely translates to... I guess it's that feeling of pooping frequently, in more of a liquid form? if that makes sense

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