I’m delighted to announce that my show “Daniel Sloss: X” is now streaming WORLDWIDE* for FREE on
(*excluding USA, Canada,Bermuda where it is on HBO and subject to HBO T&C's)
Warning: Contains adult themes involving sexual assault and strong language
Isolation can put a lot of strain on your relationship, so may I suggest watching my stand-up special Jigsaw on Netflix. It's very cathartic and will strengthen your relationship in these upcoming months. The sooner the better, actually.
Real cool to hear about all you cool legends who don't watch Game of Thrones. You got a cool blog I could read? Maybe another about how you're too cool for joy and fun. Must be so cool being that cool. God you're cool. Bet you hate air too. Fuck you're so cool.
The X tour is now over. 18 months. 40 countries. 277 shows. 1 HBO special. Thousands of you cunts.
Thank you to everyone who came. It was a truly incredible experience. Sincerely. It was life changing. Thanks.
Now I'm off for a couple of weeks.
Fuck off and leave me alone.
It brings me great pleasure to inform you all that my
@netflix
special Jigsaw has now caused 10,000 break ups. Thanks to everyone involved. Enjoy your new and better lives. Name your kids after me, I've earned it.
I've officially finished the final edit of my book Everyone You Hate Is Going To Die. It will be available for purchase on Nov 3rd, but you can pre-order it now. If you like.
For now I'm signing it off with the 3 Ws, a la Hank Moody.
Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove speciesism from your daily conversations.
INDIA! Bengaluru and Mumbai sold out in 10 minutes -we are working on making more tickets available - PLEASE DO NOT BUY TICKETS FROM RESALE SITES OR TOUTS. More news shortly
Changing your profile pic and posting the photo with the caption "New profile pic" is the online equivalent of walking up to strangers after a haircut, pointing to your head and shouting "HAIRCUT".
Thanks for the 5 minute twitter suspension to the dweeb who reported me for "threat of violence" coz I said I was going to beat a fictional person to death. I'm going to hunt you down and real gently hug you and play with your hair all consensual and what not. You nerd.
Despite the fact that I absolutely loved hearing about the breaks up and divorces, the articles suggesting
#Jigsaw
is a break up show is written by people who haven't seen it.
#Jigsaw
is merely a love letter to single people. And your mum.
7 years ago I taught Tyson Fury how to do stand-up comedy for charity. I thought the footage was gone. I hoped. Not because of his stand-up. Coz of how I look. My fucking Christ. Shocking.
🤣 Back in 2012, Tyson Fury was asked to put on a short, stand-up comedy performance as part of a charity effort for Sport Relief. This is what happened...
[📽️
@BBC
]
Some of you nerds took this as a feminist bashing joke instead of the hysterical fisting joke it was intended as, so nobody tell me I don't have range.
To the idiots: I am not actually upset by this. It was a joke and I have decided to take the joke as a joke, like a normal, decent human being would do. Please don't ever have the arrogance to assume that any of your meaningless words could ever actually affect me. Nerds.
With a thunderous voice and immense strength, comedian
@Daniel_Sloss
transforms into a mighty Scottish warrior who defeats mystical monsters and protects the highlands in the newest
#MakeMeAHero
!
OH MY GOD THEY DID IT HAHAHAHAHA.
For those not in the know: I had to go through my Netflix specials with subtitles on. Some were wrong coz my accent is thick and fast. Thought I'd throw in one fake correction, to see if they noticed. They clearly did not.
Tonight one of my weird ass fans asked if I would strike a particular pose for a photo. Of course. I thought nothing of it. Now I just recieve this.
This is the standard I expect from now on people. If you don't do this with the photos I take with you, y'all fake.
As a Scotsman in America watching USA vs England in the World Cup it was so easy to support the US. Right up until I heard 30 people says "it's offsides!!!"
Offsides. Plural.
It's not plural.
I'll still support you Yanks, obviously. But get your act together. Twats.
The fact that Dwayne Johnson hasn't done a Christmas movie is very upsetting. In all honesty all I actually want for Christmas is a remake of Jingle All The Way but with The Rock.
State of this shite. If you're a "moon" please remember that the moon only shines because the suns light reflects off of it. If you're a sun, you're safe. If you're a moon, you are nothing without someone else. Sick analogy, you fucking dweebs.
30 minutes into me and
@kaihumphries
shouting abuse at YouTube knitting videos this lovely Northern woman came along and patiently taught us how to knit (and swear) properly. Utter diamond.
Friendly 'You're a moron' helpful reminder. I have 2 Netflix specials. They are both streaming worldwide. They are labelled as episode 1&2. Stop searching for Jigsaw and just scroll down, you absolute fucking spanners.
Yes. My new differently named tour that I'm making money off is different to the shows that are available worldwide and have already utterly cashed in on. I'm very noble. A true artist.
Tomorrow is the day I've waited for all my life. I'm going to be on Lorraine. With Lorraine Kelly. My childhood crush. This is my career highlight. Everything else means nothing. (don't tell Conan I said this)
Anyone who claims to have knitted anything ever is a god damn fucking liar. This shit is impossible. It's a full blown lie and I caught you. Just fucking admit it.
"Hate Being Left Wing" - new clip from my special "Daniel Sloss: SOCiO", streaming exclusively on My website is the place to look for a 2023-2024 "CAN'T" worldwide tour show near you... (more dates being added)
Big shout out to
@kaihumphries
wife, Natalie. She got married in September (looked stunning), didn't get a honeymoon because our tour started the next week and now I sit by the river in Paris drinking wine with her husband.
Never question his loyalty. I had him first. Biatch.
Some of you nerds pointed out the subtitles are sometimes wrong on my 2 Netflix specials (streaming worldwide) so now I have to go through and read the subtitles for the mistakes. Which is fine, I talk fast with an accent. But this,
@NetflixIsAJoke
, I feel attacked.
I’m devastated to announce me and Georgia have split up for reasons I cant bring myself to comment on at the moment. As always I wish her all the best 😔
Always remember
@viagogo
is run by cunts, for cunts. Don't be a cunt.
@viagogo
are money grabbing con-artists. No real artist supports or condones their existence. Fuck every single cunt that works for them.
Fir those curious of Jigsaw break up numbers: we're at 7000+ break ups, 34 cancelled engagements and 38 Divorces. Keep. Em. Coming.
Where you at
@NobelPrize