Craniel Daig @ColtHandsome Twitter profile

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

1 year

Bringing this back because it’s my favorite picture of me

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Last Seen Profiles

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@HoneydewWilkins

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@KingAdz29 @JpgScarz I think that would kick ass

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@undefeatedmatt A date night with my wife? What am I? Gay? I’m gonna go hoot and holler about Stong Boys roughhousing with each other the way God intended.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@MEASURED_HEAD Mesolithic BF - weaves you reed baskets and makes you totems out of animal bones - afraid of thunder - doesn’t like parties - will die at 31 by boar attack - about to discover agriculture

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

1 year

@draculavoice @scumbelievable I’ve noticed that most of this discourse boils down to “the best course of action is for me to never make an effort”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@fillegrossiere Last week I said “does this guy literally rearrange his furniture every night??” And this weekend I found out he moves his couch to the patio every time he smokes.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@MeganBitchell Me logging onto wordle this morning

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@shrimpkolkhoz There is a whole s group of people on TikTok who use it exclusively to talk about how their partner is the worst most annoying person on the planet but they’ve learned to be happy with them. It’s gotta be some kind of humiliation kink right?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@EryqOuithaqueue @AriaCallaghan @chick_in_kiev There once was a boat from Nantucket, saw the Suez Canal and said “fuck it” so they drew a big dick, then pulled a neat trick, Rammed the shore so hard that they stuck it.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@fillegrossiere I’m now fantasizing about having an upstairs neighbor that apologizes for making noise. My upstairs neighbor stomps his feet and yells every time he sets off the fire alarm cooking(three times a week).

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@TheExiledDuck If you just blur out a single house it’s not privacy, it’s a beacon.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@_RobertSchultz “Ghost of my mom lives there”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@Eric_Erins I’m not advocating for anything but some people are literally begging to be held for ransom.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@ask_aubry Two men took pictures of them “massaging her” (holding her down shirtless on the ground while she was CRYING) and shared them with everyone after weeks of being sexually harassed by the entirety of the male staff and he thinks she’s being dramatic that she fears for her safety??

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@ImanWilliams @TweetRhymesLife “Honey this is supposed to be a couples dance” “Then get on my fucking level Susan”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@mabbylmao If I’m ever stopped at a red light and James Corden starts dancing out to the center of the crosswalk in one of his little outfits I’m putting pedal to the floor and letting Jesus take the wheel I can tell you that much.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@FLITTER Kim Kardashian screenshotting Kanye’s Instagram today to take everything to court for full custody of their kids.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@BikeMcBikeface @NorthernSprw “I don’t know if birds have feet, but I do know the phone number of my state’s top ornithologist”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@posters_union I like how this doesn’t even have a phone number you can call they’re just letting you know they exist and they’re cooler than you.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@_RobertSchultz May have to tailor this to your situation if she’s met your mom.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@Hubert_Fronten3 @DrChoom Don’t worry! That’s one of the least bad things that can happen to you in those tunnels.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@Salem4Congress What if people were to accept the job and not show up?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@sargoth I know someone who’s dad would say “I can pay you for the work you did, or you can have all the money in my wallet”. And his wallet would always be empty. Take the first marshmallow.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@socialistdogmom They call cotton candy “daddy’s beard”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

1 year

@hilare_belloc @Goons_TXT If IT used my personal number to scam me as a “security exercise” and then HR wanted to talk to me, we would talk, but the conversation would not go how they were expecting it to.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@zuza_real They’re right, the new logo looks like a health insurance company. Put the dog back.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@merrittk Only thing about polyamory that seems appealing to me is everyone’s name being smaller on the chore wheel.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@queasy_f_bby “I think you’re doing a great job out there my wonderful son Brandon! I named you this way before last year!”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@whitevaz7 @MBeefmaster I’m very sorry for your loss, but I love his integrity, said it and meant it!

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@NotABigJerk The old sauces are dying and the new sauce struggles to be born, this is the time of monsters(white bbq sauce)

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

8 months

@Very__Regular I would legitimately be upset to learn this

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@viperwave I was stuck in traffic on the way to spring break once that got so bad we played cards on the hood of someone’s car and maybe a dozen of us just kind of hung out for 20 minutes.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

5 years

@JosephKramer93 @jackallisonLOL M Night Shyamalan couldn’t write a better third act twist.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@gregwalker_8 @bb_apes Someone I used to date forgot the word side piece and said “side meat” once and this has a very similar energy.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@jmurffff My wife and I do this but we will say “I know you already liked this, but I wanted to appreciate it together”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

1 year

@GaterHouser Imagine teaching your sons that consent is a joke and that they shouldn’t even respect their own mother, let alone any other woman.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@AlexMorelli123 @sweatyhabibti Just wearing my shirt that says daddy and everyone has to make it sexual

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@aoikagenazo @the_caliban @paulsef -ice pack -deep pore cleanser lotion -water activated gel cleanser(in shower) -honey almond body scrub -exfoliating gel scrub -herb mint facial mask(10 minutes) -aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol -moisturizer -anti-aging eye balm -moisturizing protective lotion.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@haramcart It’s very funny that they’ve figured out the ten thousand ways your physical appearance has to be perfect to attract women when the real secret is just not being mean to them.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

8 months

@slobodanchudjak This goes hard as hell

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@tentinybees My parents used to have some kind of pitbull mix and when people would ask me to describe him I would say “he’s less of a dog and more of a duffel bag stuffed full of hams”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@realnorireed TFW you tell your fiancée a funny story from your childhood about having to steal from the lost and found to have a coat and she starts crying and saying she’s sorry

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@uncle_deluge The problem is this applies to like 2 percent of dudes but is believed by upwards of 90 percent of dudes.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@Daddeh7 @molly_kornfeld That’s rough man

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@stonerspo Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t have access to protein powder in the 70’s so he drank condensed milk at the gym, don’t let anyone stop you from living your dreams.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@parasocialyte If hot topic is selling a dog leash they know good and goddamn well it ain’t going on a single dog lol

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@Velvet_Bomber @FunnilingusLA At that point how would he not at least be curious?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@diaaroi @KristenSuver You can’t just go out for an order and not come back for three hours, unemployment is at 15 percent you can’t be losing your job right now

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@baddanadanabad Saying some shit and still signing off like a friend is a lot. “You should be self conscious, but be well enjoy yourself.”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@ehh_ptr Once my mom asked for a new vacuum for her(she was a housekeeper at the time) and my dad’s anniversary and he was like “you are out of your MIND if you think I’m telling everyone we know I got you a vacuum for our anniversary” lol But he did get it and she loved it!

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@realnorireed It’s fine it’s only sad if you don’t laugh

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@viperwave That’s how you make friends for life

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@helen @DicksOnTheBrain Nothing but respect for MY president

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@Wolf68923781 @JammingwithP @tinderconvoOOC If I had the saddest and loneliest pinned tweet of all time I’d probably keep my fucking mouth shut but that’s just me Jonathan

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@salchimamas Walking into work the next day like you didn’t chew your boss the fuck out the day before.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@tropicanapussy Personal favorite is “I’ll tell you what” as a stand alone statement that can mean literally anything depending on context

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@LicensedT0Ill “This really gives me a new hope” -Chewbacca

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@slorote “we don’t need to throw that out, just cut the mold off that one side!” My wife: … “Oh is this one of those things I don’t need to do anymore?”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@sadbitchicon @RachelConnoll14 Nobody told me, and my parents didn’t know, I assumed you took them the summer after you graduated. My homeroom teacher gave me her debit card and said sign up for the next available slot right now. You don’t have to pay me back. I don’t know what would’ve happened if she didn’t

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@EuphoriTori To cause a scene at a wedding you had better have a damn good reason. Standing up for your son is a damn good reason.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@CentipedeMouse @spiritnght2 Every time one of their true believers does some true believer shit they call them a gay antifa communist, which I am for because their true believers should be sad, but how do they expect to keep getting guys to do terrorism for them if they disavow all their heroes?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@binchcity

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@Rhaldney_ @stonerspo As far as supplements go for bodybuilders condensed milk is the least of your worries lol

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@Nickrob Really didn’t expect to one day be rooting for ICP and AGAINST Bill Cosby ten years ago.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

10 months

@LegoRacers2 Women with a time machine: I am your granddaughter Men with a time machine: emperor Napoleon, this is called Dr Pepper.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@milfnokids I just send my fiancée this.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@burger_enjoyer @twobugsGaming @NotABigJerk The only reason Twitter is permitted to exist is for moments like this.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@lyndsaydee_ @skatie420 It’s just the lyrics to mambo number five but in a font that gets increasingly more threatening.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@JesusElSupaJew Eminem didn’t even play a good Eminem

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@detachment_red He really likes 90’s alt rock

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@MissCaroline @caitiedelaney Know that I say this with love: you should be in prison.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@KevinHBell My vote is for John Cena

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@RaxKingIsDead “do you know what this ice cream reminds me of??” For the fucking hundredth time yes Dave we all know. Please see a therapist buddy.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@srslyberserk The rise and grind crowd gets closer to endorsing what they warn us life under communism is like every day.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@thesolarcoffee Happy Leif Erikson day

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

Following Ken Klippenstein on twitter gives me emotional whiplash because there will be ten tweets like “breaking: trump administration preparing to blow up the moon, per documents leaked to me by DoD” and then this.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@H1TWOM4N @metroidcum In a similar vein, I am challenging all of the witches of TikTok to make my life go well because anything helps.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

1 year

@IwriteOK One of the funniest images I’ve ever seen in my entire life

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@afraidofwasps @clintoris Haha that sounds so funny where do you even find something like that

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@tentinybees Sammy, the 89 pound lap dog.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@corysnearowski Never been a where’s my hug guy, but about once a month since the pandemic started I have been imagining how great it would be to just stand somewhere with a free hugs sign like people used to do in the mid 2000s. Once we all get the vaccine I’m hugging anyone that wants a hug.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@leftistexe You’re gonna be shocked but

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@aplombtree @harryeskin @MaraWilson By that age you’ve discovered the 4 or 5 best jokes there are and there’s no need to tell any others.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@cityafreaks To the joker this is just a regular baseball player.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@posters_union Every day from now on: “babe why are you crying?” They’re tiny detectives answering big crimes.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@sadbitchicon @RachelConnoll14 And if you’re the first person in your family to go to college, you have absolutely no idea how to prepare. I remember halfway through my senior year my homeroom teacher asked me what I got on my SATs and I said oh I haven’t taken them yet when are you supposed to take them?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@santanasmonet Why does every white rapper look like a doodle bear?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@gobills_norcal @SomersErin We had a girl who hissed like a cat. Nice person, but that’s hard to come back from.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@realnorireed I went to school with rich kids who were subsequently careless, literally the best coat I could get would be one from lost and found while the school janitor looked on pretending he believed I left a flannel shirt, a north face and a winter coat at school on the same day.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

5 years

@emmycantread It’s like that old saying, “I’d rather laugh in a Waffle House than throw up in an Applebee’s”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

5 years

@RaxKingIsDead Dating tip: ask a woman their opinion on something they know more than you about and then refuse to believe it.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@letsassume Guys what’s y’all’s best fact? Mine is that Cleopatra was born closer to the opening of the first Pizza Hut(1958AD) than to the finishing of the pyramids of Giza(2490BC) by about 500 years.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@RaxKingIsDead I showed my dad an episode of Venture Brothers once and for like 17 years he’s been sending everyone in the family voice memos just shouting “IGNORE ME!!”. He sent one to my fiancée for the first time last week and she texted me like “hey is your dad mad at me?”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

4 years

@xbyrnes @iamwhoisme @alexdrag_ @RachelMComedy “Hey I saw you got an Arby’s beef and cheddar with someone new, made me think about how I shouldn’t have let some cheddar start beef between us. You don’t have to respond hope you’re doing well.”

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@jessecrall In his standup comedy/monologue he put out a few years ago he takes Shandling’s joke word for word, except he manages to butcher the delivery so instead of a single laugh he gets clapter.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@kittynouveau Disgusting, nobody who has ever experienced real hardship does this. My parents were heartbroken when I had to grow up too fast, I’m 30 now and they are still really upset about it because it’s not something I or them will ever get back. Why do that if you don’t need to?

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@zuza_real Oh you want your books to be “so good your readers can’t put them down”? Hello, have you heard of consent??

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@the_obp @caitiedelaney DAMN please send me a link to this pitcher I’m getting thirsty just thinking about it.

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

2 years

@phhskissy Hozier said “you’re the god that heroin prays to” and you wouldn’t date me if I was a worm??

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Craniel Daig

@ColtHandsome

3 years

@ElSangito It’s true that it’s not your job to educate them, and Google is free. But PragerU is paying to be one of the first results on Google and they’re happy to educate them when you aren’t.

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