Molly Kornfeld @molly_kornfeld Twitter profile

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Men who don’t want to get to know me before banging: annoying Men who want to get to know me before banging: somehow more annoying

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Ok so Facebook and IG are down, but is anyone having problems with Hinge? I haven’t gotten a match in like 2 weeks

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Time to start texting every man I know to see if they wanna be exclusive for the next 6-8 weeks

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Not a Euphoria girl, not yet an And Just Like That woman

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I saw more penises in the season premiere of Euphoria than I did in all of 2021

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Nothing harder than being a 7 with the confidence of a 10

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I know I’m getting older cuz I call my mom less to cry about boys and more to cry about gastrointestinal issues

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

About to turn 30, the age when a woman “stops being relevant,” but I have never been relevant so I’m not too stressed

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Women in romcoms are always like “I’m looking for the kind of love that leaves you breathless, that makes you see colors brighter, that drives you crazy, that knocks you senseless, that destroys your life” and I’m over here just looking for a nice man who will watch HBO w/me

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

2 years

Men are like my peloton - I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Roommate: I love you Me: oh wow, I don’t know what to say. I mean yes we’re stuck in quarantine for god knows how long together & we have become close & I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel any chemistry but- Roommate: oh sorry, I was talking to the cat

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Havent had a crush in 3 years and I think I have achieved self-actualization

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Funny how not shaving your legs or wearing a bra in high school meant you were a loser but now it just means you live in Brooklyn

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Don’t wanna be friends with guys who dump me, would love to be friends with guys I dump

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I’m gonna be honest, it takes me 3 hours to watch & fully comprehend an episode of Succession

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Never a bridesmaid, never a bride either

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

2 years

The sad thing is, I don’t think Roe v Wade getting overturned will have any impact on how men behave during sex

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

The girls on the bachelor break down about their insecurities on national television each week and it makes me sad cuz I do that every day for absolutely no audience

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

The impending end of the world is rly making playing hard to get difficult

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

The combination of the omicron variant and the potential overturn of Roe v. Wade are making it nearly impossible for me to be intimate with men

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Whenever I’m not in the mood for sex: fair, valid, I’m tired Whenever a guy isn’t in the mood for sex: a crime, he hates me, I need to lose 20 pounds and get a boob job

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

4 years

Truly a toss up whether social anxiety will be at an all time high or low post COVID

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I can’t tell if I’m toxic or I just get bored easily

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Legit every interaction with men Me: I'm a little insecure about my looks Man: I rly like confident women Me: Oh! Well I guess I do have a nice smile! Man: WOW SOMEBODY'S COCKY

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

A ranked list of who I'm stalking on social media: 1. Boys I wanna hook up with 2. Boys I've already hooked up with 3. Myself 4. Girls that are stalking the boys I wanna hook up with

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Last night I got an applause break for saying I’m on dating apps and that’s the best thing that dating apps have ever done for me

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Tragic that I get sick of a man after 2 hours but can watch the same series 5+ times all the way thru without getting bored

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Men are trash, women are compost

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Went on an audition for a role as “sexy young woman” and another actress mistook me for the casting director checking girls in so, my career is T H R I V I N G

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Clues that told me my dad was gay: 1. He never had a gf 2. He loves show tunes 3. I overheard my mom yelling at him over the phone “HEY THANKS FOR WASTING THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE PRETENDING U WERE STRAIGHT!” 4. He owns too many fedoras

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

I've never once looked in the mirror and thought I looked "okay" -- I'm either blown away by my own beauty or horrified at the monster staring back at me

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Never forget that in 6th grade my dad suggested I start a trend of wearing designer dog collars as necklaces

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I’m just looking for a man who will watch Colin Farrell’s Phonebooth with me

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Being at my parents’ house is great cuz I won’t shower for days or change out of my pjs and my mom is still like wow ur so stunning, men should be fighting over you

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

*watching a movie* Me: My bf: Me: My bf: Me: are you breaking up with me?

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

4 years

An annoying thing about being a woman in comedy is that if you’re a female comic who fucks male comics you’re referred to as a “chuckle fucker” and if you’re a male comic who fucks female comics, you’re just referred to as a comic.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Sometimes I think I’m only in therapy to talk shit about every person in my life without worrying that it will get back to them.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Found $5 on the sidewalk today and it was the best thing to happen to me in the past 3 years

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Don’t have a bf, so I’ll just have to let myself down this Valentine’s Day!

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

2 years

I honestly don’t care if I guy ever texts me back after we hook up as long as he keeps liking my unhinged content on social media

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Being a woman is easy! You just have to be: - hot but attainable - smart but self deprecating - funny but NEVER FUNNIER THAN A MAN - sexually experienced but not slutty - slightly insecure but not needy - willing to pretend you know the difference b/w marvel and DC

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Some girls dress slutty cuz they're Dads were never around. I dress slutty cuz my gay dad was always around and very critical

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

As a girl who mostly dates comics, having a guy cancel on a date cuz he has to stay late at his job is honestly refreshing

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Coronavirus All the new coronavirus bits 🤝 Kill 3.4% of the time

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

An avg family dinner w/my parents: My mom: I may not be book smart but I am life smart Me: you married a closeted gay man My dad: YAS GIRL, DRAG HER *sashays away*

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Call me old fashioned, but I think a man should thank you after sex

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Now that my student loan payments are delayed til March, I plan on making some very unnecessary & extravagant purchases

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

What I say: I'm an artist following my dreams in NYC What I mean: I'm a 27 year old receptionist who spends all my time and money at open mics and bar shows living in queens w/ 2 roommates and a cat

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

When my dad was in his 20s, he and gf at the time, who was Miss Vermont btw, got an abortion. And I'm supportive of that decision cuz they weren't ready to be parents and also I don't wanna live in a world where my older sister is a beauty queen's daughter.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Being horny & picky isn’t a combo I would wish on my worst enemy

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

My mom loves giving me relationship advice and it’s like you married a gay man and then dated an alcoholic plumber, what do you know?

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I think what I’ll miss most about my 20s is making out with random dudes because their friends hurt my feelings

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

A guy I used to hook up with 2 yrs ago just hit me up, which means I was either the best he ever had or the most desperate. Either way, I'm incredibly flattered.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Both my parents are in the arts, so I grew up without financial OR emotional stability

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

I'm not an alcoholic, but I do love a nice glass of wine after a particularly rough hour

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

At a show I said I exclusively have period sex and several girls in the front cheered for me, so yea, I’m pretty much a hero

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

4 years

2 yrs ago my job hired a temp who thought my name was Meredith but I didn’t correct him cuz he was leaving in a week but he just came back as a full time employee and now I think I have to change my name

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

How come when guys throw pebbles at girls’ windows, it’s romantic, but when I throw a brick at my ex’s windshield it’s “a crime” ?

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

When I was a kid, my mom and dad got divorced cuz my dad's gay and, honestly, I'm a little annoyed that I never even had the opportunity to blame myself

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

I say I’m an up-and-comer cuz I ALWAYS masturbate as soon as I wake up in the morning

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

The audacity of men on dating apps asking for a self-aware woman when I have never once met a self-aware man

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Honestly how dare covid be on the rise when I’m tryna get laid

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

4 years

Happy Father’s Day I found a magnum condom wrapper in my mom’s compost pile

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

My life as a 30 yr old single woman is 50% tv, 30% work, 20% brunch and 187% anxiety

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

My friend called a girl a slut cuz she banged every guy she knew, and it’s like I’ve slept with multiple men I didn’t know at all, so calm down

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Honestly cancelling zoom hangouts to sit alone on my couch and watch tv is just as satisfying as cancelling real plans

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

My mother has learned the term “triggered” and honestly I pray for us all

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

I went to a liberal arts school, so we didn't have Greek life but we did have sex positive, gender queer acapella groups w/serious cocaine addictions

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Getting back together with an ex is cool cuz u don't have to spend the first 3 months of the relationship pretending you're not insane

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

4 years

Any time I’m on the phone with customer service just tryna speak to a rep

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Hate when ppl purge their social media after a break up. How am I supposed to accurately judge your taste over the years?!

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Not sure what season of Covid we’re on, but I feel like Omicron is “Jumping the Shark”

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Didn’t go to Santacon cuz I’m no longer 22 and feel the need to dress up like a slutty elf and day drink at grimy bars. I dress like a slutty elf and drink at home alone like an ADULT.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

A ranked list of who I like to ask if I’ve gotten fat: 1. My mom 2. My boyfriend 3. My therapist 4. My bff 5. Complete strangers . . . 15364. My gay dad

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Crazy that as a millennial, I know the difference between bisexual, sapiosexual, pansexual, queer & queer presenting, but I still don’t understand what the legislative branch of government does

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

One time in college, a boy told me that I was cute but my personality was "a lot" and it's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before falling asleep.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

1 year

This man I graduated Vassar with is now dating Ariana Grande, meanwhile I recently went on a commercial audition for the role of “toe with fungus” and didn’t even get a callback

Pop Base

@PopBase

1 year

Ariana Grande is dating ‘Wicked’ co-star Ethan Slater following her split from Dalton Gomez, TMZ reports.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Watching You has rly freaked me out. Can’t believe I’ve been living in NYC for 5 years and not ONE guy has tried stalking me. Truly upsetting.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Funny how I always forget to take out the trash, but remember that on January 2, 2015 at 7:12pm my dad told me I could stand to lose 10 lbs.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

I would say I'm more of a manic depressive pixie dream girl

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

Ford: *delivers heartbreaking and credible speech describing her assault by Kavanaugh* Prosecutor: Cool, but let's discuss your fear of flying, that seems pretty suspect

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

Being a receptionist at an investment management firm is cool cuz I have no idea what we do on a daily basis but I get to say that I “work in finance”

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

My mom: I think I would have been a good detective, cuz I have great instincts Me: you legit married a gay man *sitcom audience boos*

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

The song “I’ll be home for Christmas” is just triggering at this point

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

When men are obsessed with me: calm down When men are indifferent to me: … excuse me?

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

Live footage of my Zoloft getting my intrusive thoughts in order

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

I once didn’t get a receptionist position at a law firm because of a tweet saying I would love to be a classy prostitute. So yea, I understand the #SNL scandal on a *deep* level

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

The catch 22 of therapy -- helps me deal with my financial anxiety while simultaneously draining me of all my funds

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

6 years

My parents have different suggestions for my comedy career. My mom says I should play up my looks and my dad says "what looks?"

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

3 years

I’m sorry but how did these celebs legit perform at the VMAs and then the next night get all dolled up for the Met Gala?!? I had 4 drinks last night and I can’t move today

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld

5 years

My parents were both comics and now I’m a comic. So excited to be following in their path of regret, depression, and crushed dreams.

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Molly Kornfeld

@molly_kornfeld