Tonk @tonkerthomas Twitter profile

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

What does "Untaxen" mean?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 months

Jesus Christ. I've been on two trains and a plane so far today and does fucking NOBODY use headphones any more? When did inflicting your personal media consumption choices on others become acceptable?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 months

"But", not "and", surely?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

6 months

@MonocleMan1 I *hate* walking around in Amsterdam and, for that matter, The Hague or Rotterdam. It fucking stinks. And yes, as far as I can tell, they're doing hee-haw about it.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

My Mum ran off with the milkman. I watched them drive away on his float. Worst two and a half hours of my life.

Wat_the_deuce 🍀🇮🇪☘️( NEW ACCOUNT )

@wat_thee_deuce_

7 months

Remember the old milk floats?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

Daughter has just called Noel Fielding and Matt Lucas "Emo and Chemo". Don't know whether to be horrified or proud.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

6 years

@VP "If we lived in a more respectful time"? Sweet baby Jesus, do you have no shame?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

@rmjsimmonds Fucking hell. Tell me you're a danger without telling me you're a danger. I can honestly say that there is ZERO chance of this "stuff" happening to me, because I'm not and never have been a sexual predator. How about you?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

Just remembered the time that I went into the chemist here - before I learned Dutch - and quietly asked for some haemorrhoid cream. The chemist didn't understand what I meant so she asked the queue behind me for a translation and then they all had a lovely discussion about it.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

Fucking HELL, what a reply.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 years

@micknickbrewer @SimplyTome Sure, but if not for Clooney somebody else would be doing those ads and spaffing the money up the wall on coke and hookers.* *I'm looking at you, Taylor Swift

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

I am a terrible respirator: as soon as I'm doing anything that requires any concentration whatsoever - washing my hair, peeling an orange - I just stop breathing. Does anybody else do this? One day, the Coroner will record my cause of death as "tying shoelaces", or "Sudoku".

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

At A&E with 15, who this morning rode his bike into the back of a stationary van. He's in getting a CT brain scan now and I'm having kittens outside. Your kids being sick never gets any easier, does it?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I've just remember this painting I saw a few weeks ago, and thought you might enjoy it. It's of Jesus, being sick of all of our shit.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 months

@40PercentGerman When my ex and I got married, MIL forbade us ordering cake for the "Kaffee und Kuchen", because people would bring home-made cakes with them. It felt weird, like we were being cheap, but then the day came and I have NEVER seen SO MUCH AMAZING CAKE in one place, before or since.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

@FionaPatton10 @NJSimmondsbooks Ha. Not terribly interesting, really - my ex-wife and I managed to divorce after 20 years together and actually make it all about the kids. I can't say there was *no* acrimony but we sucked it up and now we're co-parents and firm friends, both in steady relationships. It's nice.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

I've got an old Nat King Cole song going round my head and I can't remember what it's called. It goes sort of "dum dum dum dum, that's what you are, dum dum dum dum, though near or far", something like that. Can anybody help me out?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

@DomesticBuffalo @superpaddiepads @Backpainandwine I'll put you down as a "maybe"?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Still losing weight: 35 kilos (77lbs, 5.5 stone) now, and I'm finally in to the XXXL (!) Lambretta Harrington that I bought eighteen months ago. XXXL, my arse.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

I accidentally hooked my belt over the bannister this morning and couldn't understand for a moment why, even though my legs were moving, I'd stopped going downstairs.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I must have seen this a hundred times and I *still* wheeze laugh every time. If you watch only one 2-minute video today, please let this be it.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Musk has deleted the tweet. What an absolute fucking throbber.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

If I were a billionaire, I would simply not get in a fucking helicopter.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I am sitting in the garden, in the dark, with a Cosmopolitan and a cigar, listening to nothing but the South Shropshire sheep and the wind in the trees and my soul is drinking it in. It's been a long, long time since I have been this happy.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

8 months

Budapest. Cleanest city I've ever seen. LOADS going on. Cheap as chips, public transport ludicrously good and almost free. Everybody speaks English, and they're all lovely. What a place - don't delay, visit today.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

@FootyScran @ArbroathFC This was my pie. I can confirm that it was so delicious that I immediately bought myself another one just like it. A magnificent pie, and no mistake.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

8 months

@NJSimmondsbooks Not ALL your friends' exes, I hope...😉

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Just popping out to the garden, brb.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Just told the kids about my girlfriend. They were highly delighted and full of questions (not least about hair buns, tennis visors and gardening). I don't think I ever really thought they wouldn't be, but, you know... thank CHRIST for that.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

A lively young damsel named Menzies Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?" Her aunt, with a gasp, Replied: "It’s a wasp, And you’re holding the end where the stenzies."

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Paley-Phillips has deleted his account. Finally, a genuinely kind act.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 months

Henrik is 18 today. I have dreaded this moment all my life but now that it's arrived, I'm okay with it. He's a remarkable young man and we're great mates and I don't know what else I could possibly wish for.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

The Burns Lounge, Greenock. Genuinely one of my favourite boozers.

Culture Critic

@Culture_Crit

1 year

What is the most beautiful building ever constructed?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 months

There was a brief period in my life in which I thought Chevy Chase was Paul Simon.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I have lost 29 kilos (64lbs) since last summer. It's just as well - a lot has changed in that time and if I hadn't done something about my health then I really don't think I'd have coped. All made possible by the support and love of some fantastic people. You know who you are. x

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

@HXValley @JimMFelton I, too, read the Torygraph for years, albeit largely for the SPROTZ and the crossword, and although it was always had tendencies to be a bit "hang 'em, flog 'em", the speed with which it has descended into being an entirely unreadable rag is quite something.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

14 yo said today that he misses the first lockdown because we went out every day to go geocaching or orienteering and there was nobody else around, it was just us. I can't even begin to explain to you what a good kid he is, or how much I love him.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Noted prick @riffraffhands got in-country help from @GoldenVision90 to, for the second year running, stitch me up good and proper. I can only express my deepest admiration for Sweep's determination and ingenuity. Doesn't mean I don't still want him to die in a fire, though.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 years

@unadevine @jruddy99 @TheOmnisis @thisisgrace @helenpidd Silly me. I've just realised: that's something that a not-for-profit public transport system that was genuinely committed to getting cars off the roads would do. Sorry, everyone.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

@caoimhinof Oh, God, too many to count - I'm basically from the forties. "Bent as a nine-bob note" springs to mind. I also sometimes answer the phone with "Gaslight and Coke Company" or "War Office, wanna fight?"

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Thank you so much, everybody, for all the love. The brain scan was negative (insert your own joke here) and we're home now and he's laid up on the couch with a Pot Noodle (special request). He'll need to take it easy, and I'll need to keep an eye on him, for a couple of days.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

The best line-up. This photo wasn't taken all that long ago, and now three of the buggers are gone. Can we set up a rota for checking in on GG, please?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

A few months ago I was really quite down but I've had some therapy and made some changes and now I'm much happier.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

I have spent well over half my life outside the UK and have lived in/visited well over 50 countries. Nowhere have I encountered a broadcaster that had anything *close* to the creative independence that the BBC enjoys. They should have to pry Auntie from our cold, dead fingers.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

#MH thread: I was invited for a meeting today and couldn't make it because I have a regular therapy session on Wednesdays. I could have made up any excuse for my absence but I didn't, I told everybody that I had a therapy session. I could feel some surprise when I did. I don't...

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Still a lot of people around who don't seem to be able to separate "Farage is a cunt" and "If you work for a bank and leak customer details you need to be sacked".

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

@Lucyvfreeman Bless him. He's a good boy.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Jesus Christ.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

STonk moved out a week ago and tonight for the first time the kids and the dug have gone to stay with her for a few days. I've been apart from them all many, many times before... but this is a bit different. 😔

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

A year ago yesterday we locked down and today I celebrate my second full-lockdown birthday. Still, I got this lovely card from @consol8ion to cheer me up.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

8 months

Since Saturday morning I have lost two of my oldest friends - both suddenly - and my Aunt Margaret. Life can fuck right off.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Nuff respec to @eddiebhoy71 who has tracked this down for me - possibly my favourite Viz letter ever.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 years

Beautiful. Quite brings a tear to the eye. @michaelglasper

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Dudes. If you think that somebody you know might be struggling with their mental health, go and talk to them. You don't need to understand. You don't need to know what to say. You don't need to fix anything. They're still exactly the same person you've always known. Just listen.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 months

There's a lot of people on here who seem desperate to make perfection the enemy of success. Do I think Keir Starmer is the second coming? Christ, no. Do I think he and his colleagues will be a huge improvement over the shit we've seen in the last 8 years? You bet your bippy I do.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Been really struggling with anxiety these last few months and have been on benzos for a few weeks now. Nonetheless, tomorrow we end lockdown, on Sunday I have my first jab, and it's finally summer. It's easy to forget that "this too shall pass", but this is a salutary lesson.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

Just been reminded that the Dutch have a Christmas song in which a young boy loses his pet rabbit, only for it to turn up, roasted, on the Christmas dinner table. That night, the boy murders his own father in revenge. #MerryChristmas #PrettigeDagen #Flappie

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Just got on the scales, and since the end of last summer I have lost 47 pounds. *smug face*

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 months

Thread: the writing in #TheArchers has been exceptional in the last couple of weeks. As the Monkees once sang, there is no black or white, only shades of grey. Did Alice cause the accident? Yes, but also, no. She didn’t intend to drive and hadn’t asked George to drive her. 1/

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@tonkerthomas

3 years

14 is 15 today, so I did chicken and waffles for breakfast and now we're off to the supermarket to get sweeties for the new Ryan Reynolds film at the cinema. Five Guys for dinner and a nice cold Corona for him when he gets home. Low-key but, I hope, a good day all the same.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

For the first time in ages, I just ran every step of my little 6.2k loop here. I'm not going to win any prizes for speed but I can plod along with the best of them.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

@twlldun I think he's taught us all a valuable lesson. Next time I am born I will make sure it is posh.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

My pal Ryan Kelly ("Jazzer" in #TheArchers ) and his wife Sonia recently and unexpectedly lost their guide dog, Hearty. I need to lose a LOT of weight. Please read more about it and sponsor me raising money for Guide Dogs here: Retweets welcome!

Jeff's fatburning fundraiser for Guide Dogs

Help Jeffrey Thomas raise money to support Guide Dogs

www.justgiving.com

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

11 months

Turns out, my boy is quite a bit taller than me now. Fuck sake.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

@JimBethell Born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.

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@tonkerthomas

3 years

15 on his way out of the door for his first working shift (at the local pub). He's a very smart kid, a good listener and a hard worker and I'm very proud of him.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Can we talk about the building in Miami in which the Beckhams live?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

16 has just been elected head boy. He worked SO hard for it and wanted it so badly and I'm so relieved that he didn't lose to some chucklehead in it for the LOLZ. A little celebrationé and a cheeky beveragino ce soir, methinks.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

5 years

@guyverhofstadt I'm British, my wife is German, our kids were born and have been raised (so far) in the Netherlands. Not only do they consider themselves EU citizens, if you ask them where they come from, they'll say "Europe".

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Look at my cake. LOOK AT IT!

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

7 months

"Nee, nee, I shink he hash... how you shay? Arsh grapesh?"

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

It's not Covid. *exhales* Urinary tract infection. I'm pissing blood but I've got antibiotics and should be fine in a couple of days. Good excuse to drink Cosmopolitans, I reckon.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Today I was reminded of my friend Cammie. Cammie was found dead in his kitchen a year ago, he'd had a massive heart attack. He lived in Sydney, Cape Breton, just about as far East as you can go in North America by road. He and his husky, Skye, had a wee house which they rented...

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Sourdough's much better when you pay attention to what you're doing. Have taken my eye off the ball a few times recently, with disappointing results, but this is just about perfect.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

@andreajenkyns Good England! Did you learning it as a children?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

@Samuelnash92 @Littlepidd1 @jayrayner1 @GordonRamsay Why not? I also try to avoid restaurants with twats in the kitchen. Which reminds me, I need to add "Prevost at the Haycock" - whatever the fuck *that* is - to the list.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Ah, fuck it. We're locking down again - schools, restaurants and bars, cinemas, non-essential shops are all done until at least 14/01. No more than 4 visitors/day. Merry fucking Christmas. Hopefully Santa will bring vaccine shots for the c*nts who haven't got one yet.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

Dear Americans, When somebody says "fagg*ts" in a conversation about food in Birmingham, there's really no need to report it. Fagg*ts are meatballs. I don't mind you bastardising our language but I *do* mind you then weaponising it against us. Love, Jeff

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I've already been upstairs and cleaned my teeth so even though I'm still downstairs doing bits and bobs, when I go up I can just get straight into bed. I'm stupidly excited at this prospect. So this is middle age, eh?

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

Look at my handsome boy.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I know you can't generalise about large groups of people, least of all based on religion. That said, I've yet to meet a Sikh who wasn't absolutely lovely.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

THREAD: I have weekly group therapy for "emotional recognition". I look around that group and understand that we're not different, we're just the ones who have asked for help. 90% of the group are young women, and I'm the only straight man and the only member over 35 (I'm 47).

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

When I'm King of the World I'm going to stop people flying until they have completed a two-day "How not to be a massive pain in the arse at the airport" course.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Always enjoy flying into LCY when the wind is in the East.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Do you know what I always forget about and absolutely love? The last minute or so of "Mr. Blue Sky". Utterly inexplicable and completely glorious.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Well this is awful. Just back from a free meal - the owner is our landlord - at the best Taverna in town. Try the orzo with shrimp. Thoughts and prayers cheerfully received.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Happy Blocked by George Aylett, Owen Jones and Peter Hitchens Day, everybody!

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

I'll be off to bed soon so I'll wish you all very Happy New Year now. I love you all. Seriously, I mean that. Yes, even you. xxx

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

I am an early adopter of the latest "London" strain of Covid, and I'm excited to tell you about the new side-effects: you sweat profusely (and I mean PROFUSELY) at the slightest movement; and your tea tastes like Earl Grey even when it's Yorkshire.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

A log fire, negronis, The Beiderbecke Affair and @Lucyvfreeman . The holiday has begun.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

2 years

Finally took delivery of my boy's 16th birthday present - he and I went and chose all this and had him fitted at the end of July! I am a very proud Dad.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

Daughter's list of deal-breakers for potential future step-mothers: Not tall Not haughty No tight buns (hair buns) No thin lips No anger wrinkles No tennis visors No shell jewellery Must love gardening because I love gardening Must love Queen (the band) Think I'll be all right.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

1 year

Well played, @TheTimes , well played.

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@tonkerthomas

3 years

No, YOU'RE on your third negroni.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

4 years

Today STonk and I told the Tonklets (14 & 12) that we are divorcing. It's completely amicable and we've all the time in the World but still, I didn't expect what we got, which is that they're basically fine with it. I know it's early days, but... it could have been so much worse.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas

3 years

At Schiphol with the Tonklets, on our away to see Nanny and Grandad for the first time in two and a half years. I expect blubbing.

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Tonk

@tonkerthomas