Riane Konc @theillustrious Twitter profile

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he's getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he's a fool

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Are You There, God? It’s-A Me, Mario

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

Who will end the centuries old farce of letting vermilion mean red. That’s a green ass word and I’m done pretending otherwise. If I lose friends and family over this, so be it.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@Nicole_Cliffe ... this used to just be at some random public nativity, which is weird enough. But the town took the public nativities down, so for years after, my parents would just drive until they saw a nativity set in some rando’s yard and LEAVE THE WRAPPED BOX FULL OF OUR SINS THERE

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

Please help: I just finished reading TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW, AND TOMORROW by Gabrielle Zevin and now I can’t imagine reading another book that isn’t this book. Do other books exist? What are they. Please help

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

After 20 years, I am breaking my silence: in the song “Nothing Better” by The Postal Service, Ben Gibbard sings “I will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the 3rd quarter of a tied game rivalry.” But there are no sports that use both goalies and quarters. Thank you.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@dietz_meredith This photo is 17 years old and I am wearing that literal same pair of shorts right now

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@Nicole_Cliffe Each Christmas Eve, each family member had to write down the sin we were repenting of that year on a scrap of paper; those papers were put on a box, which was wrapped like a Christmas gift, & then we would drive to a nativity set & leave the gift for the baby Jesus. BUT ... (1/2)

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

One year ago, I was sure my writing career was over. I had writer’s block I couldn’t shake and I was starting to fear it was permanent. Today, I’m proud to say that I can now do that basketball trick where you go behind your back with your shirt.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

How do I talk to my boss about an office mate who is hampering my productivity

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

Frozen had my kid being like, “Let it gooooo!” and Frozen 2 has her cheerfully singing: “I’ve seen dark before / But not like this / This is cold, this is empty, this is numb / The life I knew is over / The lights are out / Hello, darkness / I’m ready to succumb.”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

SO THEY MET IN THE COMMENT SECTION ON THE HAIRPIN, & THE SITE WAS PROFITABLE AFTER 3 MONTHS EVEN THOUGH ITS TARGET AUDIENCE WAS GAY LIBRARIANS/FORMER HORSE GIRLS, THERE’S THIS ONE PIECE ABOUT A WISHBONE PITCH MEETING, OH SOMEONE DONATED THEIR KIDNEY TO A STRANGER IN THE COMMENTS,

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@oneunderscore__

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@elmodernisto Literally several times a week, every week for the last 7 years

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

My 1st grade class was told to write letters to Santa, which would be published in our local paper. This was mine.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

@as_per_danielle @poor_choices @bananafitz You’ll all have chins!

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

@Nicole_Cliffe That's why I don't shake hands anymore. Reminds me too much exactly of what giving birth feels like

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@katebarstool @IAMannalynnemcc

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@kibblesmith Not exactly a movie, but constantly this Homestarrunner line. “Thanks for stopping by, you guys. Thanks for breaking my cow lamp.”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@BakerStJournal Guys. Literally all Sherlock except for a few portions of one book (The Case Book) are already in the public domain. That’s why there’s … like literally hundreds of Sherlock adaptations?

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@Nicole_Cliffe I used the Nicole Cliffe method last year on some bill I got (which had ballooned to $750), and I emailed them and said “I can only pay you $300, but I can pay you right away” and they emailed back and said “Pay the $300 today and we’ll clear the rest of the bill.” IT WORKS.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

BASIC NEEDS IN A PANDEMIC Most people: Food, water, shelter Boomer Dads: I must go to Home Depot every 3 days or I will die

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

I was 39 when I finally sold my first pilot, NBC's "Joey." Didn't sell the pilot to "Friends" until 10 years later, when I was 29. My time machine didn't start working until I was 45 and a newly single parent to baby Hitler. Age is just a number. Keep going.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@TayKayPhillips Shel Silverstein wrote the Johnny Cash song “A Boy Named Sue”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@macp_ll @clhubes The indescribable joy of finding old Notes on my phone with Ramona quotes. Apparently she said everything here in one single day when she was 3. Honestly makes up for not sleeping for a half a decade (and I actually mean that)

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

@Nicole_Cliffe Last Christmas, the first thing my MIL said after she looked at me very hard was, "Yes, I remember how dry and brittle breastfeeding made my hair and skin look."

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

Writing is hard, but I stick with it for the moment when I finally finish a piece and realize, "Wow, there truly is no audience for this."

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@hpmacd

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@Handserifed @anne_theriault This is just very beautiful!

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Wanna to feel old? It’s been one week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry," five days since you laughed at me, saying "Get that together, come back and see me," three days since the living room, I realized it was all my fault but couldn't te

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

I’m late to this, but wanted to share a thread of my favorite pieces I published this year. All in all, I wrote 0 drafts, which resulted in 0 completed pieces; I submitted to 0 publications, and out of all of those, had 0 ultimately published, including 0 in one of my dream pubs

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

The weather forecast said there’s 100% chance of bisexual lighting in the Midwest today

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@Revo_Paula @epilesbian @notorious__fi @uncooljerk

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

When you're extremely fiction

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@j_zimms @chrissyteigen Hi, lifelong Midwesterner here, I have been to New York 5 times in my whole life but I am happy to explain that here Jess is making a joke about “in line” vs. “on line”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@robintran04 Listen, how did I just read a perfect John Mulaney impression that someone TYPED

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

I have just concluded my first summer as a single parent. This kid and I have literally spent 1,132 waking hours together since June, and we’ve made it to 1st grade. 10/10 child, would recommend.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@mmpadellan Here is one of a million possible responses to your dumbass question

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@missmulrooney It just — reply guys and mansplaining aside, like, that’s just … a bad edit! It destroys the scaffolding of the joke! THAT’S A LOAD-BEARING PRONOUN, ROBERT

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@WalkerBragman Rich white people, famously never deranged, armed racists

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Ruin The Shawshank Redemption by changing one letter, I’ll go first:

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

@LLSL9801 Don’t be embarrassed! Vermilion is the yellow-greenest word to ever exist, the dictionary is who should be embarrassed

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

I used to work in a therapeutic program for middle schoolers. Today is the anniversary of the greatest letter I have ever received.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

I wrote this because my favorite part of freelancing is how easy it is to get paid.

Rihanna’s “Bitch Better Have My Money,” Expanded for Freelancers

Bitch better have my money Bitch doesn’t see you in our invoice system Bitch is wondering if you ever sent in a W-9? Bitch isn’t seeing it Bitch is...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

Having a crush as an adult is so embarrassing. I think someone is so pretty I have a tummy ache about it? Bro be fr

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

I am mostly retired (professionally, personally) and have accomplished nothing real in over a year, but last summer there were no fireworks so I decided to grow my own

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

One of my students, @shadesofgreaves , wrote this piece, and it is just absolute beat for beat perfection.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

despite decades of compelling *actual* evidence, I spent my whole life not knowing I was gay & then saw like one meme like “lol gay women sit weird” & a month later was in the hospital & and 2 months after that ended my marriage Anyway RIP twitter, I’m still alive, also I’m gay

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

Boy, are you a telegram? Because stop

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

New Girl is criminally underrated, I think particularly in two regards: 1. At its best, its joke density is right up there with 30 Rock 2. Jake Johnson’s line readings as Nick Miller are a revelation. In this regard, he is walking in the footsteps of Catherine O’Hara.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is Dead Set on Staying on the Supreme Court for Many Years to Come and other poorly phrased news alerts I wrote.

Poorly Phrased News Alerts

“Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is Dead / Set on Staying on the Supreme Court for Many Years to Come,” and other notifications.

www.newyorker.com

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

I should not have been allowed to have kids

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

Please release me

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

It's the Wellerman sea shanty but with Tim Robinson's "the bones are the skeletons' money" song from I Think You Should Leave

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@LeahKonen I had every nursing/feeding issue in the world and a sleepless, colicky baby (colicky for 4 months, sleepless for literally 3.5 years). Those first months it was literally a full 8-12 hours. Every day. 8-12 hours. I just don’t think people understand. Actively. 8-12 hours.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

@Nicole_Cliffe One time, I listened to 20 minutes of a 3 second repeating guitar lick because I thought Death Cab for Cutie was making an artistic choice. The CD was skipping.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

Shout out to Drogon, wokest dragon in the land, who understands that power structures, not individual actors, are to blame for the world’s evils

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Did St. Thomas of Aquinas write this

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

This Oct. 2019 note is the best thing I ever found on my phone and I wish I knew how to turn it into an actual piece.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@Revo_Paula @epilesbian @notorious__fi @uncooljerk YER MAN THE BADGER’S A GREAT DIGGER 😭😭😭

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

This is one of my favorite* things I've written this year *only

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog, Across Genres

Literary Fiction: The quick brown fox wants to sleep with her professor.

www.newyorker.com

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

*extremely youth pastor voice* you know who's always in your top .001% of listeners

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

Every other Tweet I scroll by is doing viral numbers. As inflation continues, your likes will start plummeting in value. It feels good now, but a year, your likes will be so worthless you’ll be using them for toilet paper. The validation market was not prepared for this.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

You (simple, dumb): In Scorsese’s films, New York City is itself a character Me (smart, film buff): In the 1999 film Tarzan, the Phil Collins soundtrack is itself a character

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@hels

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

I will delete, but ... took my kid to Disney, and she spent the whole time the same way she does at home: passionately belting “Into the Unknown” from Frozen II, 50-60 times a day.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@scumbelievable It’s so funny reading the positive response comments to this, bc: 1. It’s making me realize if I didn’t grow up around this, I’d 100% have the same “omg amazing/can I get her number now?” response! 2. This SHOULD be a cute anecdote! 3. Anyone who grew up in this world knows … no

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

@IjeomaOluo Also probably a good time to remember that Cracker Barrel is actually racist

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@jamesbdwyer What bad luck for Jeremy Renner, the actor already known for remaining in critical but stable condition, to then also be run over by a snow plow that weighed a number that would be more sensibly reduced to # of tons!

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

Men are always like "turning your thermostat down super low won't cool your house off faster," & I'm sorry, but I disagree. SCIENTIFICALLY, I know my AC sees that crazy low number & PANICS. HUGE last minute cramming for a test energy. Desperate to please. She has an anxious attac

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

4pm in December The 2nd to last episode of every season of Bojack Horseman 🤝 Too dark for my mental health

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Only .07% of rapes — 7 out of every 1,000 — result in a felony conviction. In 35 states, an officer can legally have sex with someone in their custody and claim it was consensual. Dunno, feels like if we defund the police, this one might actually come out in the wash

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

“And first I put my arms around him yes and, and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and, and his heart was going like mad and yes and I said yes and I will Yes and.” - James Joyce after taking Level 1 Improv

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

@Nicole_Cliffe Moved into a new neighborhood, and while we were unpacking, the two 80-year-old nuns who lived in a house across the street came over and gave us a freshly baked peach cobbler. Later, they printed off lyrics to a song that had our daughter's name in the title and gave it to us

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@RottenInDenmark This is the LEAST of the problems in every cruel/inaccurate/fatphobic/wrong/desperate attention-seeking thing he said, but like … I weigh 130 pounds and I’m literally dressed head to toe in clothes I bought in the children’s section.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

I’m an upper middle class mom featured in Apartment Therapy, and when it comes to my kids, my favorite design aesthetic is “Jonas before The Giver taught him what ‘red’ was.”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

the term "executive functioning" makes it seem like I am CEO of my own brain. ma'am, I've been at this company my whole life and I am middle management at BEST

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@Remember_Sarah One of my lowest parenting moments was when we hit this scene (I’d forgotten somehow) with my then 2.5 year old. The look on her face. I turned it off & she said “Take that back to the library now.” Later the movie title came up and she yelled “NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT MOVIE AGAIN.”

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

Janet Yellen Janet Listenin

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@bitterkarella @scumbelievable She probably had half a can of Mountain Lightning once a year at a house church co-op youth board game night and acted actively drunk for the next 6 hours

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

@Nicole_Cliffe Got really annoyed and went to sleep like this

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

@tonybonesarelli This @spies_please one

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

If you’re curious about who the Democratic Socialists of America are and what that stand for, then great news, I have written a comprehensive guide.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@deed_doer @skyler_higley @vinn_ayy Independence from England

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

2 years

@tommcgovern27 Congrats to this dude on having a 28 year old girlfriend because this is the handwriting of a 28 year old girlfriend

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Kid wanted to “play library” and asked us to make her some books which she did not realize was a mistake

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

5 years

Hello, I tried to sell my clothes to Plato's Closet and it made me feel bad so I wrote this:

Thank You for Coming to Our Used Clothing Store to Sell Your Ugly Garbage Clothes

Thank you so much for bringing in 16 bins of your clothes to sell at Plato’s Exchange today. We know that you’ve spent several years and hundreds, ...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@Audrey_Burges We’ve had this hamper downstairs since my daughter was born; we’ve always referred to it as The Goat (“go toss your shorts in the goat.”) She is 6 and I recently learned she believes that “goat” is the actual term for all hampers

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@j_zimms The “three other men” here is doing so much work

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

1 year

@j_zimms Jess so many people in the replies assuming I know the word viridian I ONLY KNOW SO MANY WORDS Also I’d allow for a red viridian over a red vermilion any day! ALSO I WASN’T ALLOWED TO PLAY POKÉMON I WAS ONLY ALLOWED TO READ THE BIBLE AND SUFFER (not play Pokémon)

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

Don’t 👏 stop 👏 until 👏 all 👏 Republicans 👏 are 👏 naked

The Hill

@thehill

6 years

Levi Strauss teams up with gun control group: "We cannot stand by silently"

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

6 years

@Nicole_Cliffe He put the ring on my finger while I was sleeping. We were watching The Cosby Show. This story has aged poorly.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Me whispering to myself in the grocery store parking lot beneath my homemade face mask: Look for the helpers.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

This is a cake

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

7 years

Hard to say what the best winter Olympic event is, but it's probably frozen waterslide, erotic siblings, or chores.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

My 4 y.o. exclusively refers to the coronavirus as “The Sickness,” so all day, every day, it’s like talking with a tiny little post-apocalyptic novel writer.

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

3 years

@YourMomsucksTho *nodding intently* mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm, racism wasn’t invented until 1999, mm hmm

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Riane Konc

@theillustrious

4 years

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary. This picture of us is 18 years old.

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