Scott Balcony @scottbalcony Twitter profile

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Listen to John Prine.

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Last Seen Profiles

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

Bloke I went to school with, on Facebook, is saying he’ll never take a vaccine because he “doesn’t know what’s in it”, which is a bit weird because I distinctly remember him putting a tab of LSD under his eyelid in R.E. once.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Probably just a coincidence.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Looking forward to “Johnson HAS to go now, he can’t POSSIBLY survive this” episode 952, today.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Been laughing at this for 5 minutes straight.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

A story in three pictures. @danwootton

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

They’ve been enriching themselves and their friends for twelve solid years, they’ve got two years left. This is the part where they’re on their hands and knees in the jewellers, Land Rover smashed through the front door, and they’re scooping the Casios and Sekondas into the boot.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Got to respect @Arron_banks for not hiding away but carrying on Tweeting even with his pants around his ankles.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob Remember when you said they would have just got the food from Tesco Express?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

You know what I've noticed? For 15 years, I think you could count the amount of times Nick Ferrari and James O'Brien have been in agreement on a subject on the fingers of one hand. Since JOB flipped Ferrari's listening figures, the overlaps are seemingly endless. Funny.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

Hi @Iromg , hope you’re well! I was trying to find your tweet where you called James O’Brien a paedo apologist but I can’t find it anymore? Can you help? Wanted to show it to someone.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

I’d never heard of Noel Fitzpatrick. The @mrjamesob Full Disclosure interview has the blurb “Noel Fitzpatrick is the face of Channel 4's The Supervet”, which I’ve also never heard of, so, I wasn’t expecting much. But, fucking hell, it takes you to places. Man alive. Listen to it.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

You can’t tell what’s real anymore, can you? I mean, this is obviously a joke, but with some of these tweets, it’s impossible to know.

Ranil Jayawardena

@ranil

2 years

🇬🇧🇲🇳 Great news – trade barriers have been lifted in Mongolia for British poultry and fish exporters with our farmers now supplying chicken to @KFC Mongolia! 🐔📈 This offers exciting opportunities for our farmers to sell into a £10 million market. #GlobalTrade #GlobalBritain

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@mrjamesob “No Appropriate Adult was in attendance, teachers remained outside the room and Child Q’s mother was not contacted in advance.” - I assume all of these officers have been sacked?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

An anagram of James Melville is Jimmy Savile.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Whisper it, but Johnson is in Uxbridge AGAIN

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Maybe we could sponsor the Queen to do laps of the garden?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob "Don't buy any fuel when you don't need it." I WISH SOMEBODY HAD BLOODY SAID.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

THE JOKE IS THAT ALL THE GOOD STUFF HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN. THAT’S THE JOKE. THE JOKE IS THAT’S ALL THAT’S LEFT IS CASIO WATCHES. THAT’S THE JOKE. THE JOKE IS THAT. THAT. THE JOKE. THAT.

John Adams

@odbof85

2 years

@scottbalcony @k8tshires Tut. Is this Ratners? Patek Philippe and Rolex, more likely

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

I would have gone with the answer “Pizza Express, Woking” for the lols.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

As this is going mad I should probably mention my shop. . Sorry. X

Home Balcony Shirts - Garment Printing & Embroidery - Uxbridge

We create amazing designs.

www.balconyshirts.co.uk

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

11 months

I've been booked onto GBNews tonight to argue that cutting down that tree has actually improved the aesthetic of the Sycamore Gap. Wish me luck.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@mrjamesob Does that mean if you're the finest artist of your generation, you couldn't do a degree in fine art unless you passed maths? That sounds insane.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

11 months

Where does that lad from Lewis who isn’t Lewis get the idea he’s some kind of tough guy, from? If he’d gone to a regular school he’d have been nicknamed Ratboy and had his lunch money stolen every single day of his life.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

At least we'll have the Royal Yacht to cheer us all up.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Me when one of the kids turns on a radiator.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

Priti Patel is getting a lot of stick, but when I was at a school fete years ago a kid accidentally knocked over a cake stall. Priti spent hours in the canteen baking a whole new batch and then donated £10,000 for a new minibus. Not really, I made that up. She seems horrible.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

Blimey, they’re going to be picking this one out of their teeth for a while.

James O'Brien

@mrjamesob

1 year

Can anyone remember which restaurateur got commissioned by the Telegraph to attack me personally for pointing out that ‘Eat Out To Help Out’ was as ridiculous as it was dangerous? I ask because the Telegraph has now published proof that even the government knew this was true…

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Is there anyone who can look in on Dominic Cummings?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

Remind me never to piss off Matthew Sweet.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Nick Ferrari back to a solid three hour shift of slating migrants after a few years off. Last time he was doing this it was in the lead up to Brexit. Can’t wait to see the exciting places this round of hatred and fear will lead us too!

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

@mrjamesob You won't believe this.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

10 months

@mrjamesob "I don't want a fight today, so we're going to talk about religion".

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob What happened to the “free market”? If employers are happy with it and employees are happy with it, it’s got bugger all to do with government hasn’t it? What am I missing?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

The replies to this tweet capture the very essence of Twitter. People not getting it, then people getting angry with people not getting it, then a final delicious helping of people pretending not to get it and then people pretending to angry with people pretending not to get it.

Alexandra Haddow

@MissAHaddow

2 years

Paul McCartney is a great advert for vegetarianism, look at him, 80! John Lennon never embraced it and he didn’t live half as long. Makes you think

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob I absolutely LOVE the fact that the leader of the "Free Speech Union" has spent the last 18 months telling everyone that would listen that the 2nd wave was a myth and we should all go out without masks and hug each other during a pandemic. He wants MORE free speech.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@mrjamesob Is this like the bit in wrestling where the fella looks like he’s about to tap out, before springing to his feet, picking up a chair and smashing it over someone’s head?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

This is such a joyous thing.

Emily Turner

@ETWriteHome

2 years

Tomorrow is the day I start my journey from London to Scotland via £2 local bus services. I've been wanting to do this for YEARS!! I cannot wait!!!

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob I shook this. cc. @Ofcom

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@mrjamesob Literally *never* seen “mums and dads” written on any correspondence from my kids schools. Ever.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Here's a picture of my daughter on her way to school this morning for #WorldBookDay dressed as Charles Bukowski.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

If you order 4 popadoms and they give you exactly 4 popadoms that’s a red flag isn’t it?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob I'll be sure to TUNA in at 10am ... AMIRITE?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

I’d be surprised if you’ve read the words “But does he eat sausages?” more than I have, today.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

What’s your favourite LBC presenter board game?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

A bloke who says the public should throw actual shit on Meghan gets invited out to lunch by the King’s actual wife and there are still people out there who think the Sussex’s are over-egging it. Amazing.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

The grim irony of hundreds of Putin’s actual mates living in London on golden visas (not to mention the House Of Lords), but we won’t let a freezing cold Ukrainian woman clutching a baby into the country in case she’s a Russian asset.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

@mrjamesob “Get the tin, Keith”.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Invisible wheelbarrow.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

11 months

Miffy is crying because she killed two people in prison.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@TheOfficialGRB I had a plumber in last week, who did an incredible job, but I could only give him one star on Checkatrade because he went to Pret at lunchtime.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

@AvaSantina Love the thought of “Dom” giving it the tough-guy, loose cannon, maverick act in front of ... *checks notes* ... Jacob Rees Mogg, Grant Shapps and Matt Hancock.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

“I’ve got friends who use Bupa, I’ve got friends who use Nuffield Health, I’ve got friends who use the NH….. well, not the NHS”.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@mrjamesob Just need to find a story about Putin installing same sex toilets in the Kremlin and the Tories will be sending the tanks over by tea time.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

@mostly_grumpy Did they ask to see your Record Of Achievement?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

The news just keeps coming, doesn't it? News. Loads of it. Every time you think you've broken the back of the news, a load more news comes over the hill being all urgent and newsy. "Oooh, look at me, I'm the news". Little twat.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

When @iainlee asked if I’d design a sleeve for Michael Nesmith’s First National Redux, it was pretty much a life highlight. The moment only got better when Michael sent a message saying he loved it, but could I hide a few marijuana leaves in the flowers. Which I did, of course.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

I don’t want to step on Sue Gray’s toes, but they may struggle to argue the “work event” angle in on this one.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

This was painted for me by a neighbour when I was 2 in 1979. Isn’t it brilliant?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

When a professional irritator successfully irritates me on Twitter, I’ve started to just instantly block them rather than dwelling on it, and it’s saving me hours and hours of valuable dwell time every day.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Good luck to Liz Truss who’s now got to sell fracking to Prince Charles.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

11 months

I was at a National Trust cafe and a women on the next table was literally reeling off every right wing trope from warships at Dover, to “millennials can’t afford houses ‘cos they buy avocados”. When she said “woke lefty lawyers” I shouted “Full house!” and her husband laughed.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Warburtons crumpets come in packs of 6, with two stacks of three crumpets beside each other in the pack. But no one ever has one or three crumpets. You have two. Which means on the second round you have to pull a single crumpet out from the other stack, and it will tear. Sad.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob Remember when you did an hour on "What's the best thing you've bought in Robert Dyas"?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

I went to a donkey sanctuary today. I learnt that donkeys live for ages (40+ sometimes) and that’s where the phrase “donkey’s years” comes from. What did you do today to take your mind off things?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

@mrjamesob Was just saying this to the Mrs, “projections showing that this isn't a big enough swing to deliver an overall majority for Labour at a general election are psephologically sound”, I was saying.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Nick Ferrari is this morning complaining about how hard it is to get refugees into the country after spending the last 20 twenty years complaining about how easily refugees can get into the country. It's quite something.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

6.30pm now? This is like when I used to go and watch The Libertines.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Fascinated by the covid conspiracy theorists. It’s wonderful that a global elite have conspired to create a totalitarian dystopia where we are all controlled by wearing a mask in Spar and the only people who have worked it out are Right Said Fred, Beverly Turner and Maajid Nawaz.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@Dominic2306 What was the answer to “6). Who do we *not* save?” at the bottom of the chart?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Bought square dinner plates but they don’t spin ‘round in the microwave so I’m probably going to starve to death. Look after yourselves. X

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Honestly think the best way to resolve all this once and for all is to dissolve the Royal Family, hand all their assets over to the National Trust and put Prince Andrew in prison. The rest of the family could be employed as tour guides so they can keep their bedrooms.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Just got told off by a delivery driver for not having a street number on the shop. I showed him the big brass "52" screwed to the front door, right next to the letter box. "Whatever" came the reply. And I respect that.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@SP_Duckworth @mrjamesob

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

Sometimes when you've got to put something in the bin outside but you've got socks on and it's wet but you think "How bad can it be, having wet socks?" so you throw caution to wind and do it. And then the second your socks are wet, you think "Shit, my socks are wet". Don't you?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

If you have kids, look at pictures from their birthdays over the last couple of years. No friends were there. If the government are sticking with this "well, they were at work together anyway" defence, that means kids should have had classmates at their birthdays. They didn't.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

@mrjamesob Loving that you thought they had a tube of Pringles and some Dairylea Dunkers. X

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

I’ve been to a shop and bought my veg this morning. And in a bit I’m going to open my shop. And then the veg shop man might come in and buy something from me. And then we’ll laugh at the cyclical nature of our existence and maybe we’ll cry together and then maybe we’ll embrace.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

I get up at 5am, so Steve Allen is on when I get in my car (from listening to Eddie Mair the day before). It’s quite a challenge to switch the radio over before you hear him call someone (always a young woman) “thick” or “fat”. I will never understand his appeal. Arsehole.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

LBC are on the streets of Uxbridge. This is it. This is my big chance.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@culturaltutor 24. Keith Richards passes away.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

“How busy is the shop, Scott?” “Yeah, pretty busy”.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

@TheOfficialGRB That’s not strictly true.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

@mrjamesob This is precisely why they’ve chosen Rwanda though, isn’t it? Because it’s the last place on earth you’d want to be shipped. It’s funny watching them simultaneously call Rwanda a “deterrent” and some kind of safe, nurturing, swaddling blanket of a country.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

The mad thing is even UKIP wouldn’t have said this out loud.

Philip Proudfoot

@PhilipProudfoot

2 years

Something deeply wrong with her on a fundamental moral basis

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Keep reading “advice” that you shouldn’t drink coffee when you first wake up. THAT IS LITERALLY THE POINT OF COFFEE. LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU’RE NOT MY MUM.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

My Dad pulled two Roman coins out of the ground with his metal detector this morning. Mad isn’t it? Lost in the mud 2000 years ago.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

Terry McCann.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

You have to pinch yourself when your oven chips AND your turkey dinosaurs need exactly the same time in the oven, don’t you? No staggered cooking times. Life doesn’t get any better than that, does it?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

People saying Neil Young is somehow against free speech. Freedom of speech is telling Spotify to fuck off, if you want to. What’s so hard to understand about that?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

I spent the first 10 years of my life thinking there was cheese in cheesecake, the second 10 years thinking there wasn’t. The third 10 years thinking “actually, there is” and the last 10 unsure. Life really is a rollercoaster, isn’t it?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

I remember when LBC was "What's the funniest thing your cat has done?" or "What's the oldest jar you've got in your cupboard?" and now it's "What's the radius of devastation from a nuclear bomb blast?".

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

Self portrait with worried face. (2022)

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

4 years

It’s difficult to convey how much of a Madness fan I was as a kid ( @MonkeyPicks is my witness), so, arguing with one of them on Twitter about a potential vaccine to a global pandemic, 30 years later, really is quite a moment for me.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

Some music I wrote got used on a TikTok video that got streamed twenty thousand times. Just got the royalties, baby! MILKY BARS ARE ON ME.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@Otto_English Not Stollen.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

11 months

One of my first “dates” with my girlfriend about 15 years ago was to see Jeffrey Lewis. Saw him again today with our two kids and he signed this for our 10th wedding anniversary. It’s been a good day.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

3 years

I might actually die laughing. My mum and dad thought they’d found a dodgy stream of the Tyson Fury fight and have been gutted all day that he’d “drawn again” and that the “whole bloody thing is a fix”, when in fact, my they’d just watched the first fight from 2016 again.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

@toryboypierce @mailplus You know people can read this stuff, don’t you?

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

1 year

@mrjamesob This is great, though. They’re effectively going to unironically feed you an endless supply of ironic Woke Watch features.

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Scott Balcony

@scottbalcony

2 years

The reaction by some people to that poor little boy’s death from mould reminds me of the reaction by some people to Grenfell. Both times it reminds me that Sartre was right, and hell is, in fact, other people.

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