Mostly @mostly_grumpy Twitter profile

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Mostly

@mostly_grumpy

1 year

‘Bit disappointed the gift shop was closed, would have liked a wider choice of sandwiches in the cafe’

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@Ulrich_Ulrik96

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@mostly_grumpy

4 months

Fucking hell, they’ve reelected Lee Anderson. The people of Ashfield shouldn’t be allowed pointy scissors.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 months

I think I’d like to see oasis but I’m not sure I want to be in a stadia with 80,000 middle managers that have been drinking all day and have been on the beak for old times sake.

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@mostly_grumpy

7 months

Just been called a ‘Fucking motherfucker’ by the Indian accident scammer that I strung along for 15 minutes. I told my usual story. The accident was my fault, I then explain how I hit the bus of orphans. Then when he thinks he’s got me, I tell him I’m blind. I scam the scammer

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@mostly_grumpy

10 months

Congratulations to all the people who used a supermarket for the first time this evening. A little less dawdling maybe? That would be my suggestion. Also, at the till you’re going to need your card to pay, I’d have that ready. That might be an idea for you for next time.

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@mostly_grumpy

14 days

Chase long?

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

14 days

Police find wanted man hiding inside a sofa

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

I’ve had to find my GCSE certificate for a work thing to prove the qualifications on my CV. I said to the man is this necessary, I’m 51 and when I did them Margaret Thatcher was PM and the Berlin Wall was still standing. He said ‘The Berlin what?’ It doesn’t matter. I found it

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@mostly_grumpy

6 months

My neighbour and dog walking pal passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago. We found his dogs Sid & Ned a home together by the beach on the Isle of Wight and they made the journey today. I have fulfilled my obligations under the man code. Have a wonderful new life lads.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

The people giving it the ‘I was cold and hungry as a kid and it never harmed me’ never factor in they’ve grown up to be a cunt.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

I dunno lads, giving Richard Branson money to save his airline after he sued the NHS for 2 million quid, during a medical crisis doesn’t seem like something he fucking deserves.

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@mostly_grumpy

4 months

You’ll remember my neighbour and dog walking pal passed away a few weeks ago. This afternoon a small group of us, family and friends illegally scattered him on one of his favourite walks, then the whole village went to the pub and got tipsy. 60 of us. A wonderful send off.

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@mostly_grumpy

9 years

Lots of people seem to be confused between Muslims and cunts. It's cunts doing this.

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@mostly_grumpy

10 months

Keith’s friend Ned hints to my neighbour he wants the fire on by sitting next to it. Today it resulted in a renaissance portrait.

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@mostly_grumpy

1 year

@Ginger_Tucci She is so good looking. I’ve got no chance with him hanging about.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

@hmtreasury Who is buying their first house for £500k with a salary of £30k whilst on universal credit to get the £650 extra help with the energy bills? Find someone that fits this scenario. I dare you.

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

I was getting a trollley at Tesco and 2 of them were stuck together. I muttered ‘oh for fucks sake’. A man also in his 40’s looked at me and said ‘there’s no need for that language’. I said ‘I’m very sorry, it’s just this trolley is being a cunt’.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

Mike Tindall: I’ve been done for drink driving Boy George: I handcuffed a man to a radiator and hit him with a metal chain Matt Hancock: I let pensioners with a deadly virus be move back into care homes, killed thousands Ant & Dec:… Chris Moyles: I banged Comedy Dave’s wife

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

Djokovic isn’t a political prisoner, he’s a millionaire complaining he has to stay in a travelodge because the law applies to him too.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

We have exercised our democratic rights. Keith came into the polling station with me and, although not allowed to vote, did shout ‘Fuck The Tories’. Everyone applauded. #dogsatpollingstations

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@mostly_grumpy

7 months

My thoughts on Gene Hackman. He’s wearing clean comfortable clothes. He’s been retired 20 years, papping him is a disgrace. My top 3 GH films are The French Connection The Conversation The Firm. It’s fucking Gene Hackman, leave him the fuck alone.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

WALKERS. Double your profits with a new ‘Fuck The Tories’ crisp flavour advert. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

7 months

I know some people feel sorry for these scammers. I don’t. They’re preying on vulnerable people like your nanna ( I’m fixing her roof next week).

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

FLORISTS. Get your own back by selling shit petrol. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

Greggs Vegan sausage rolls are like rimming. Nobody is telling you to partake but if you want to then good for you, I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t like the idea then just don’t fucking bother. You can also apply this attitude to anything else that doesn’t do harm to others.

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

ANNOY brexiteers by calling yourself a Remainian. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

JAMES CORDEN. Thelma and Louise would be a popular choice for your carpool karaoke. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

The BBC have not considered that their top football pundits are independently wealthy and won’t be bullied by some prick that got a job for bunging Boris a few quid.

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

. @weskrantz

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

That’s an understatement

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

Staying at home for a fortnight isn’t isolation. You’ve got a chest freezer, a play station and amazon prime. You’re living the fucking dream.

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@mostly_grumpy

10 months

@MattChorley My friend sent me this one with added Sir Captain Tom.

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

@estellecostanza @jamabing I once had this from the takeaway. I stared at ‘I am the walrus’ for several minutes thinking it was a message. Lamb tikka madras.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

My daughter (21) is at a small music festival this weekend, it’s not very far from where she lives. I’d forgotten she was going. The law dictates that although she’s an independent adult woman such a trip automatically triggers a mini dad lecture.

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@mostly_grumpy

10 months

A second club singer has hit Blackpool Tower, Sir.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

@mrnickharvey I’d rather have a piece of toast.

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@mostly_grumpy

10 years

#AskThicke if asked if you want salt and vinegar on your chips and you say no but they put it on because no means yes is that ok?

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

PIERS MORGAN. You can just lie in bed in the mornings now, instead of on the telly. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

I'm only watching @piersmorgan killer women in case one of them does us all a favour

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

My car insurance company sent me a survey after I spoke to them about my renewal yesterday.

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

THERESA MAY. Overcome your fear of the public by having one brought gradually closer over the remaining month of your Premiership @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

10 years

They might as well put a QVC presenter in. #CBB

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

Will he be charged?

The Independent

@Independent

2 years

Teenager hospitalised after USB cable gets stuck inside his penis

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

@je_police Finger. Not ginger.

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

TIGER WOODS. Perhaps a driver would have been a better selection @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

10 years

Hey @David_Cameron , we're not seriously letting the 5 year old with a brain tumour go another night without his parents are we?

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

So, I’ve tried to unscrew the filter myself, but there must be a penny or something stopping it. I’ll leave it to you, you’re the professional. Did you see the match last night?

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

DONALD. Make fucking off great again by fucking off. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

1 year

I’ll have the soup, followed by the roast swan.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

@hmtreasury Given nobody could meet this criteria. It’s a lie.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

SHIT MIDDLE MANAGERS. It’ll soon be time for your Q4 presentation entitled ‘2020 vision’. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

2 months

You’ve ‘rawdogged’ a flight. Well done on sitting quietly with your thoughts, edgelord. Here’s your fucking medal.

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

@tesstills @JimMFelton @GarySambrook89 If I fucked something up at work and was told off about it. The excuse ‘Remember the person who did this job 10 years ago? It’s their fault. I’ve not bothered fixing it in the intervening decade’ would get me sacked.

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

A really funny bloke on here did what was clearly a parody timeline of his day helping to supervise a school trip. He’s had to delete it because of the hassle he’s had from the professionally offended. If you have to make a drama out of fuck all I feel sorry for you. Cunt.

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@mostly_grumpy

3 months

Been to my daughter’s graduation today. First class honours degree. I’m very proud.

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

@michaelgove @JustinOnWeb Stick to what you’re good at. Oh.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

I imagine you think I waste my evenings. Strap in lads. This is a thread. Just after 7pm I received a DM.

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@mostly_grumpy

10 months

I live in a village of about 200 people, this evening I’ve knocked on every door within 300 metres of my house and I confirm none of them contained scantily clad horny young women. It was mostly farmers. The adverts have all been lies.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

ADULTS. Don’t forget to clear any life decisions with your nanna today. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

Journalist: Did you have a nice Christmas? Boris: I DIDN’T KILL HER

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

DRUG DEALERS. Cash in on the hot weather this week by also having ice creams in your musical van. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

LIZ TRUSS. Don’t use an ultra violet light in the flat. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

Sad news about Robbie Coltrane. Excellent in Cracker and National Treasure. He also did a one off series where he planned a bank robbery that he was very good in. I think the best Cracker story was this one, Robert Carlyle one close second

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@mostly_grumpy

9 years

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT. Prove you're a twat by being enthusiastic tomorrow. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

7 months

@GAYNORPRICEJON1 Have some pobl y cwm you bastard

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

She'll do it but she wants her name in the title.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

Lactose, intolerant.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

@YesMissMurphy Rocket Ma’am

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@mostly_grumpy

10 years

The best hedge you’ll see today. http://t.co/nAiL8TvegA

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@mostly_grumpy

9 years

I can't believe it's not Blatter.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

@trussliz @Telegraph You’re the ONLY person in the country that doesn’t think it was all your fault.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

Find your Tory MP pornstar name by adding the words The Honourable to your name. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

Gavin Williamson pictured on the occasion of meeting Geronimo the alpaca.

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

Do we want the slides to fit on a tv screen? No, fuck it. #DowningStreetBriefing

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

There’s been people sat in the offices of the Mirror and Guardian all day doing a shot everytime a cabinet minister backed Dom knowing they had the killer blow ready to print.

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

KELVIN MACKENZIE. Avoid the bad publicity by going on holiday somewhere hot. Hell, for example. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

9 years

My Grandad in a landing craft. He’s having a bad day. If you’re a whiny hipster give it a rest for 1 day. #dday http://t.co/PoZgS0lp1x

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@mostly_grumpy

2 years

OFFICE WORKERS. Add insult to injury by calling someone a ‘star’ when you drop a shit job on them. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

DONALD TRUMP. Keep the nuclear launch codes and wifi password in separate notebooks. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

6 months

At the post office to get some dollars, just for when we land. $200 US dollars in 10’s please Would 100’s be better? No, 10’s if I can please. I’ve only got $1,000 of 10’s What are you keeping them for? In case someone wants 10’s The day you’ve prepared for has arrived

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7 months

@bentcoppper Orphans can have dependents, they just don’t have parents. You can be 40, and orphan, and have dependent children. I was drunk when I hit the orphans, yes.

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2 years

@deathofbuckley I spent it mostly retrieving kites from pylons.

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10 months

@yaketyyak77 That’s so funny. There was a husband picked up a box of Frosties and his wife said no and made him get weetabix and I thought ‘let him have the Frosties, it’s Christmas’.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

I recorded 30 seconds of the fabulous concert I went to last night. Quality.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

THERESA. Don’t forget to curl one out behind a radiator. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

There’s a middle manager type on the train saying school dinner cost should be based on the size of the child. He has the clipped know it all voice that lets you know he’s a cunt.

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

@jamieklingler @bobbynuance Brassica neck on them

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

Sure, the bmx tricks are impressive but I used to jump a 3 brick high ramp on a Raleigh Grifter whilst singing the theme from the A Team.

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

SAUSAGE MANUFACTURERS. You can sell them made out of arseholes, but it turns out, not draped around arseholes. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

If you’re someone that’s been shelling out thousands of pounds a year on rail season tickets, 3 hours a day not getting a seat and not getting home on time there’s really fuck all incentive to go back to that to prop up corporate rents and Starbucks.

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@mostly_grumpy

2 months

@anna_bobs

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@mostly_grumpy

6 years

@mrnickharvey One of my cats, Cosey, shakes her tail at food time and I say ‘shaky tail hungry?’ She will then eat her food. I live alone.

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

STAY the right side of the law by leaving your kids at home when you go on holiday. The strong ones will survive a fortnight. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

7 years

PREPARE for nuclear oblivion by having a witty tweet ready in your drafts folder. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

Be kind. Here’s my norks.

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@mostly_grumpy

1 year

Bloke read the news. He’s obviously done something his family won’t be keen on but it seems like it was consensual with the other person and the police haven’t found any illegality. It’s titillating, but essentially none of our business. You don’t have to agree.

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@mostly_grumpy

4 years

You can’t bully anyone, these days

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@mostly_grumpy

5 years

If you’re a young lad enjoying a holiday on the stunning Balearic island of Majorca this week the enjoy the sunshine whilst keeping in mind that my daughter is there with 11 friends and I could fucking kill you without a seconds thought. Also, drink plenty of water.

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@mostly_grumpy

3 years

Defile the portrait of the Queen. Don’t destroy the names and addresses of the locals who work for us. SHOOT, AND I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE ALPACA.

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@mostly_grumpy

8 years

GAYS. Tim says it's ok, carry on. @TwopTwips

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@mostly_grumpy

10 years

You can sing the words ‘Sex Allegations’ to the tune ‘Congratulations’.

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