It's almost certain your activist mock outrage would be fuck all use on a desert island. Go and sit over there with the other people we're going to eat.
I think I’d like to see oasis but I’m not sure I want to be in a stadia with 80,000 middle managers that have been drinking all day and have been on the beak for old times sake.
Just been called a ‘Fucking motherfucker’ by the Indian accident scammer that I strung along for 15 minutes. I told my usual story.
The accident was my fault, I then explain how I hit the bus of orphans.
Then when he thinks he’s got me, I tell him I’m blind.
I scam the scammer
Congratulations to all the people who used a supermarket for the first time this evening. A little less dawdling maybe? That would be my suggestion. Also, at the till you’re going to need your card to pay, I’d have that ready. That might be an idea for you for next time.
I’ve had to find my GCSE certificate for a work thing to prove the qualifications on my CV. I said to the man is this necessary, I’m 51 and when I did them Margaret Thatcher was PM and the Berlin Wall was still standing.
He said ‘The Berlin what?’
It doesn’t matter. I found it
My neighbour and dog walking pal passed away suddenly a couple of weeks ago. We found his dogs Sid & Ned a home together by the beach on the Isle of Wight and they made the journey today. I have fulfilled my obligations under the man code. Have a wonderful new life lads.
I dunno lads, giving Richard Branson money to save his airline after he sued the NHS for 2 million quid, during a medical crisis doesn’t seem like something he fucking deserves.
You’ll remember my neighbour and dog walking pal passed away a few weeks ago. This afternoon a small group of us, family and friends illegally scattered him on one of his favourite walks, then the whole village went to the pub and got tipsy. 60 of us. A wonderful send off.
@hmtreasury
Who is buying their first house for £500k with a salary of £30k whilst on universal credit to get the £650 extra help with the energy bills? Find someone that fits this scenario. I dare you.
I was getting a trollley at Tesco and 2 of them were stuck together. I muttered ‘oh for fucks sake’. A man also in his 40’s looked at me and said ‘there’s no need for that language’. I said ‘I’m very sorry, it’s just this trolley is being a cunt’.
Mike Tindall: I’ve been done for drink driving
Boy George: I handcuffed a man to a radiator and hit him with a metal chain
Matt Hancock: I let pensioners with a deadly virus be move back into care homes, killed thousands
Ant & Dec:…
Chris Moyles: I banged Comedy Dave’s wife
We have exercised our democratic rights. Keith came into the polling station with me and, although not allowed to vote, did shout ‘Fuck The Tories’. Everyone applauded.
#dogsatpollingstations
My thoughts on Gene Hackman.
He’s wearing clean comfortable clothes.
He’s been retired 20 years, papping him is a disgrace.
My top 3 GH films are
The French Connection
The Conversation
The Firm.
It’s fucking Gene Hackman, leave him the fuck alone.
Greggs Vegan sausage rolls are like rimming. Nobody is telling you to partake but if you want to then good for you, I hope you enjoy it. If you don’t like the idea then just don’t fucking bother. You can also apply this attitude to anything else that doesn’t do harm to others.
The BBC have not considered that their top football pundits are independently wealthy and won’t be bullied by some prick that got a job for bunging Boris a few quid.
@estellecostanza
@jamabing
I once had this from the takeaway. I stared at ‘I am the walrus’ for several minutes thinking it was a message. Lamb tikka madras.
My daughter (21) is at a small music festival this weekend, it’s not very far from where she lives. I’d forgotten she was going. The law dictates that although she’s an independent adult woman such a trip automatically triggers a mini dad lecture.
So, I’ve tried to unscrew the filter myself, but there must be a penny or something stopping it. I’ll leave it to you, you’re the professional. Did you see the match last night?
@tesstills
@JimMFelton
@GarySambrook89
If I fucked something up at work and was told off about it. The excuse ‘Remember the person who did this job 10 years ago? It’s their fault. I’ve not bothered fixing it in the intervening decade’ would get me sacked.
A really funny bloke on here did what was clearly a parody timeline of his day helping to supervise a school trip. He’s had to delete it because of the hassle he’s had from the professionally offended. If you have to make a drama out of fuck all I feel sorry for you. Cunt.
I live in a village of about 200 people, this evening I’ve knocked on every door within 300 metres of my house and I confirm none of them contained scantily clad horny young women. It was mostly farmers. The adverts have all been lies.
Sad news about Robbie Coltrane. Excellent in Cracker and National Treasure. He also did a one off series where he planned a bank robbery that he was very good in. I think the best Cracker story was this one, Robert Carlyle one close second
There’s been people sat in the offices of the Mirror and Guardian all day doing a shot everytime a cabinet minister backed Dom knowing they had the killer blow ready to print.
At the post office to get some dollars, just for when we land.
$200 US dollars in 10’s please
Would 100’s be better?
No, 10’s if I can please.
I’ve only got $1,000 of 10’s
What are you keeping them for?
In case someone wants 10’s
The day you’ve prepared for has arrived
@bentcoppper
Orphans can have dependents, they just don’t have parents. You can be 40, and orphan, and have dependent children. I was drunk when I hit the orphans, yes.
@yaketyyak77
That’s so funny. There was a husband picked up a box of Frosties and his wife said no and made him get weetabix and I thought ‘let him have the Frosties, it’s Christmas’.
There’s a middle manager type on the train saying school dinner cost should be based on the size of the child. He has the clipped know it all voice that lets you know he’s a cunt.
If you’re someone that’s been shelling out thousands of pounds a year on rail season tickets, 3 hours a day not getting a seat and not getting home on time there’s really fuck all incentive to go back to that to prop up corporate rents and Starbucks.
Bloke read the news. He’s obviously done something his family won’t be keen on but it seems like it was consensual with the other person and the police haven’t found any illegality. It’s titillating, but essentially none of our business. You don’t have to agree.
If you’re a young lad enjoying a holiday on the stunning Balearic island of Majorca this week the enjoy the sunshine whilst keeping in mind that my daughter is there with 11 friends and I could fucking kill you without a seconds thought. Also, drink plenty of water.
Defile the portrait of the Queen.
Don’t destroy the names and addresses of the locals who work for us.
SHOOT, AND I CAN’T STRESS THIS ENOUGH, THE ALPACA.