Ron Iver @ronnui_ Twitter profile

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Ron Iver

4 years

Women get to smell like real things (vanilla, lavender) but men have to smell like concepts. What the fuck is "cool sport rush"

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Last Seen Profiles

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it's time to get into the world changer

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Normal people: I left my sunglasses in the car. Jeep Owners: I Jeeped my Jeepgoggles in the Jeep™

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

The first boob I ever saw was in Titanic. Never seen a boob since. Waiting for Titanic 2 I guess.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

"I squat 315" "I bench press 225" ok well while you're lifting weights I'm lifting my homies' spirits with little jokes and tomfoolery

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

There is no goal with these things. Just vibes.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Pixar: How did you get past security? Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata- Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille? Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

You listen to cool music every day but play Mambo No. 5 one time and Spotify is like "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me. Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Wait what the hell

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

She started seeing a guy that can pronounce gnocchi, it's over bro you gotta move on

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Having a headache is so embarrassing, like bro you are the one that decides when things hurt just turn it off

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I would watch Euphoria if it didn't have drugs and they all got along and they had to bake 3 things a week to impress the judges and try to get star baker

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 months

All I'm saying is that to this day he has not been attacked by ISIS

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@NME

6 years

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey sent beard shavings to Azealia Banks so she could make an amulet to protect him from ISIS

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 months

The Spectator Index

@spectatorindex

3 months

BREAKING: Elon Musk says two people have attempted to kill him over the past 8 months

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

I'm the guy who named all the batteries (A, AA, AAA, AAAA) so I thought I'd offer a chemical engineering breakdown of how they got these names: 1.) I am afraid of electricity

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

The idea of alpha males is so funny bc guys really made up an upper class and then put themselves in it. Ok if you're an alpha male then I'm a turbo dude. That's one level higher. You wouldn't understand bc you're just an alpha, sorry.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

In ocean's eleven one guy's job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

The hometown urge to point out to your partner every single place you have ever done anything

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I'm so impressed with left handed people, like idk why you'd get into that kind of thing but I respect it a lot

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

11 months

Whatever happens I just want everyone to know that I was going through a lot.

Pop Crave

@PopCrave

11 months

Spotify has begun teasing Wrapped for 2023.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

9 months

Ok but why did we all have to do this to impress George W Bush? Like why did he care?

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard! A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Happy new year to my friends. And a bad new year to my enemies. And a medium new year to people who are probably nice but walk too slowly

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I wanna hang out Sims style (I go to your house, we talk for 30 seconds, I go make myself spaghetti in your kitchen and become best friends with your mom)

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Cooking tip- If you don't like tomatoes here are a couple alternatives you can try -Grow up! -Have a better sense of taste -Be better

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Cell Phone: I'm a year and a half old, lay me on my deathbed. My time has come. Calculator: Since 2002 I have only grown stronger. One day I will end god.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I'll never understand people who are like "I can trace my lineage back to King Henry VIII" when I learned that my grandma had a mom I was like ok I can't keep track of this

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I hear you. I'm listening.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

lmao she's so mad she's about to kneel during the national anthem

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Apple Orchard: Hey do you want apple juice? Adults: No that is for kids Apple Orchard: *crossing out 'juice'* I meant cider Adults: Oh yeah fuck me up

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn't have enough information to dispute that.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don't like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don't bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I'm gonna light this flamethrower.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

17 days

Parents, you HAVE to vaccinate your children. There are diseases that we eliminated ages ago that are coming back now. I just met a kid who tested positive for Linsanity.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Girls are like "how do you not remember my favorite food" idk how do you not remember what all your leg bruises are from?

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

8 months

America: We can not afford to live. Biden: Capri Sun pouches shouldn't be so hard to puncture. I am urging congress to act.

President Biden

@POTUS

8 months

You ought to be able to fly with your child – and sit next to them – without paying an additional fee. It's time all airlines offered fee free family seating.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 months

I always fall for internet scams

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I love how apples are just like "here I am" and pomegranates are like "you must first pass three trials of strength, wisdom, and courage"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Mario Kart is so fucking hard, I always come in last and it's not fair bc all the other cars are disobeying traffic laws how am I supposed to win but also get into heaven

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

We are officially in Spotify Wrapped no-man's-land. You can listen to absolutely whatever you want without for 31 days and it's completely off the record. It's like The Purge but for listening to Crazy Frog.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I don't make a ton of mistakes at work but when I do I make them in front of the same person every single time who must think I am the dumbest person ever to live

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

Trying to think of another profession where you have to leave your coworker to die bc the boss needs to hear your little tune

ITV News

@itvnews

1 year

Temperatures have passed 30C in London today, overwhelming some soldiers who took part in a military parade alongside Prince William

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I hate videos that are like "You've been cooking pasta wrong your whole life" like idk what your cooking hack is but that is a wild accusation and frankly I take it very personally

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Dune guy: We have to walk without rhythm, so we don't attract the worm Worm, understands 177/13 time signature: Oh shit it's dudes

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

It's wild that they make movies that are essentially 100% green screen and computer effects. Did you know Ratatouille wasn't even filmed in France?

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

7 months

My fav part of Dune 2 is at the end when present-day Timothée Chalamet wakes up in his L.A. apartment and is like "phew, it was all a dream" but then he finds a bunch of sand in his pocket and he looks right into the camera and says "I guess we're really Dune this"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

Idk what people are telling you but I personally think it's really cool and smart of you to hold onto the box your cellphone came in for two years in case of a scenario that you came up with in your head that has never occurred in real life

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

7 months

If you're not putting oat milk in your oatmeal then you're not oatmaxing and I don't have time for unserious people

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

I grew up thinking a martini was a really sophisticated cocktail but then I found out it's essentially just 2oz of gin served on a plate.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

I didn't choose to have depression but I did choose to not do human trafficking

Andrew Tate

@Cobratate

1 year

Depression is a choice. You CHOOSE.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 months

If you're an oxidant you are absolutely fucked

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there's a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate Friend: Hey check out this cool song Me: Haha cool maybe

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

I got 99 problems but oh my god I'm so fucked what am I gonna do that's so many problems

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Nature documentaries are like "in our oceans' depths lie the most wondrous beings in the animal kingdom" and then show you the most fucked up shit you've ever seen

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

Marine biologist here- This is Keith.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Me and the boys made Guy Scouts and we are thriving I just got a badge for having too many HDMI cables and Dave got a badge for emotional honesty

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

I love speakeasies, it's like "this is our little secret, unless someone googles 'bar.'"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I never knew that MGMT was commonly used to abbreviate "management" so I was fucking aghast the first time I thought one of my fav indie pop bands shut down the Taco Bell bathroom

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I'm just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I'll catch you next week.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

My university is giving out free condoms lmao nobody here is even married

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

❌ Watching any of the 4 movies that I painstakingly curated and downloaded for my flight ✅ Watching Madagascar 2 over someone's shoulder with no audio

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

My toxic trait is that if I came across a bear in the wilderness I think it would really appreciate little head scratches

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

"it's 77 but it feels like 85" ok then we need a new system for interpreting what the temperature is because only one of those numbers matters

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

You lost your 20s to the pandemic? Well I lost my 20s to having a bad and annoying personality.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Me: Why won't my friends talk to me anymore Also me: I'm hummuspilled. I'm going chickpea mode. I'm in my garbanzo era.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

It rules that in elementary school we learn just the basics of every subject but then the highly specific meteorological niche of cloud classification

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. "It's ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Everyone's talking about how 3D printers are the future but we need to slow down, I don't think we really nailed 2D printers yet let's not get ahead of ourselves

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Here's the deal, we're selling art. No put your wallet away we use currency that crashes if someone tweets something weird. No you don't keep it but I'll write that you bought it in a big book. Ah no it's not "good" art it's actually the worst art you've seen. Just dogshit stuff.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

10 months

Friend: Oh man don't those feel so good? Me, weeping in unfathomable pain: Yeah dude, it's just like a massage.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

8 months

We have this but we call it Warhammer

virgobaby

@maybeeevirgo

8 months

being a boy must be so boring…

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Inventor of moscow mule: I'll have another vodka and ginger beer please. Bartender: *sighing* do you need it in your- Inventor of moscow mule: If you don't put it in my big shiny cup I am going to send you to god

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

7 months

Me when someone else has a cold: Oh that's a bummer. You'll be ok soon! Me when I have a cold: Nobody has ever been more sick in human history. Perhaps I have become more goop than man.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 months

Cramming a band's whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

sex -boring -overrated -short making your own hummus and telling people you made your own hummus -I made my own hummus

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you're like "nice to meet you" and they're like "haha actually we've already met"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

Roommate: My thesaurus is missing. I think someone stole it. Me: Egads! I am simply crestfallen, and I am aghast at the speculation of this larceny.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

I love that it's normalized to ask the name of people's dogs without asking the owner's names. I have enough human names to remember but I have the brain space to fit Mr. Spaghetti.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

7 months

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn't answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn't let me across the bridge. I'll see you on Teams though.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

This is my White Claw Take back my life claw Prove I'm alright claw

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

"That's what a Slytherin would do" -well they aren't real -there are other ways to describe human behavior -read another book "That's so Garfield" -you're right he totally would do that

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

If you get three laugh reacts in the work chat then you deserve a raise. You are fulfilling duties that are beyond the original job description. You're writing bits, you're creating content, you're performing a tight 5.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

5 years

When James Blunt says "I saw your face in a crowded place" it's so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

9 months

One of the stressful parts of gift giving is actually wrapping your presents so here's a tutorial on how to get it done quickly and easily- 1. Measure out a reasonable size of wrapping paper 2. Nope. You goosed that so bad. It's fucked. The whole thing is fucked.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

9 months

Don't overhydrate today. Take care of yourself and make sure you're drinking plenty of coffee or diet coke.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

19 years ago was the last time you could run right through an airport to confess your feelings to the love of your life

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 months

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method Friend: what the hell does that mean Guy: we ratatouille the horse

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

10 months

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

2 years

Nobody told me banks don't need to hear if you're traveling out of the country anymore. I called my bank to tell them I was going to Italy and they were just like "ok weird flex, congrats I guess"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

Will Smith is lucky he was in the front row. Like imagine he's on the mezzanine and has to be like HOLD ON I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE IDK WHICH STAIRWELL LEADS TO THE MAIN FLOOR

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

1 year

Gf: I think you're so handsome :-) Me: ok Friend: Your Kermit impression is getting really good Me: That means the world to me player

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

4 years

Say what you will about JK Rowling she may be an insufferable TERF but at least she didn't write a series where the protagonists are all fine with slavery- hold on I'm receiving a note

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

3 years

FYI if you see that I have incognito tabs open it's not nsfw it's because I don't want people knowing I'm searching something like "is it dangerous to microwave la croix"

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Ron Iver

@ronnui_

9 months

Me to a friend I haven't seen since high school: Hey man how have you been? Are you still into AP English?

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