Paul Foot @paulfoot Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@chunvok

@BABYJ_1987

@Michell046929

Paul Foot

@paulfoot

2 years

I'm in my 40's and have a Math degree, so I'm one of the few people qualified to operate this system. #imperialmeasurements #BorisJohnson #comedy

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

9 months

Also here's a picture of me with a metal shire horse for some light relief.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

1 year

I took a trip to the dream restaurant.

Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster

@OffMenuOfficial

1 year

🍰 EPISODE 203 OUT NOW 🍰 with… PAUL FOOT Listen, review, subscribe: 🍽 Apple: 🍽 Spotify: 🍽 Acast:

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Reasons I’m refusing the COVID vaccine: 1. I love my current life of seeing no friends, pubs etc closed, no travel/holidays 2. I distrust government/science & accept stuff on Facebook without question 3. I like to put old/vulnerable people at risk. Go near them & see if they die

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

2 years

Back by popular demand, it's the Imperial measurements. People have been clamouring for more explanations of this system. I'm not sure why, it's so straightforward. #imperialmeasurements #comedy #paulfoot #comedian

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

2 years

Ratios are very important in fine dining. When preparing a haute cuisine meal, always make sure to pay attention to the various elements. The balances of a cordon bleu preparation hang on a knife edge, and one wrong move and you can have destroyed ur day, ur meal and ur life.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

As a tribute to those who fought and died for us during WW2, let’s make as many self-indulgent comparisons as possible between their sacrifices & what we’re going through, with many of us having to queue for a few minutes prior to shopping in B&Q, not being allowed to picnic etc.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

9 years

Connoissseur Richard has sent in a Paul Foot Baby On Board sign, highlighting all of my concerns!! Bravo. xx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

I’m thinking of changing my name by deed poll to Joe Lycett.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Let’s fox the supermarkets by panic buying items they’re NOT expecting us to stock up on. Things like greetings cards, walnut whip, Asti Spumante, Stilton, cherryade, fresh pineapples, smoked trout mousse, interdental sticks, fudge, pina colada, reggae reggae sauce & oven mitts.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

I am so showbizness! After performing in Wolverhampton I purchased these items. I didn’t even take them up on the 2 for £2 deal. 1 was £1.19. I don’t even care about the 19p. Sometimes you gotta throw caution to the wind and live your life baybayyyyy! #carribeantwist

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

One of my dreams is to become sufficiently famous that, when I die, David Walliams jumps on the bandwagon and tweets about how well he knew me.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

11 years

If you've not seen me live and want to. Make it a 2014 resolution by favouriting this tweet. That way I can track progress and harass you.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

I have recovered from the Corona virus now. What a palaver!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

My privacy is being invaded by all these constant emails about changes to firms’ privacy policies. xx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Why is everyone having a go at Cummings? If entirely honest and honourable people like Michael Gove, Dominic Raab and Grant Schapps say he did nothing wrong, that should be good enough for us mere mortals.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Clarification: Stay alert means stay home. You don’t have to be alert at home. So just stay at home. Forget the alert part (which only applies to England, anyway, not to devolved nations; so if you’re not in England, no need to forget what you never knew). Hope all clear now.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

Nowadays, people are much fewer bothered about grammatical mistakes punctuation and mispellings than in the passed.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

10 years

Start the revolution and declare war on cash machines that charge you money! http://t.co/VVcXCuId6F

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Boris has given us so much: Boris bikes, slightly different double-decker buses, and departure from the world stage! Thanks Boris xxxx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Some days are just crying out for an emergency kite session.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Weather warning: widespread cliches expected on TV news bulletins

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

10 years

Family gone yet? Do you stand outside and wave the car off? I don't. I'm not their SLAVE. I lean out of a top window and shout "Hashtag BYE"

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Why do these cricket cheats such as @stevesmith49 not apologise for the actual cheating, only for upsetting their family, fans etc. with “errors of judgement” etc. I just made an error of judgement & mugged an old lady. I’m very sorry for the effect on my family & career!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

This nyce man gave me a tasty free toasted sandwich at his café in Newcastle Station for being famous. Such a minor celebrity endorsement would normally cost over forty pounds, so I am consequently around £37.50 out of pocket. xx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Primark is to reopen all 153 stores on 15th June! Finally, the relief my wardrobe needs. I intend to visit all 153 shops in a mammoth eye-testing pilgrimage. Just 336 hours to go!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

I can’t decide where to go for my next holiday: the bedroom or the living room.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

Why is it that when deluded fools like No-vax Djokovic have irrational views, their opinions are given a veneer of respectability by saying they are “sincerely held?” As if sincerely-held preposterous views somehow outrank normally-held sensible ones?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

Showbiz is so glamorous. Here I am backstage eating with a knife and teaspoon a luxurious meal orff of The Coop.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

1 year

Dear Connoisseurs. I am delighted to announce that I am taking my new and most personal show ever, Dissolve, to the Edinburgh Fringe next week! This will be the world premiere of Dissolve, and I'm excited and scared (in a good way) to be doing something so close to me and...(1/2)

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Could I have Coronavirus? My sense of taste has gone! I woke up and found myself really liking corduroy trousers and chintz tablecloths and curtains.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Might science one day find a treatment for being Ann Widdecombe?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

This is a selfie with ⁦ @GylesB1 ⁩ - I hope it will be more successful than his tweet.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Donald Duck is no longer the most famous and successful Donald. This is a tragedy for all ducks everywhere.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

1 year

I am so pleased to win this award and not at all bitter to have to share it with @JuliaMasli

Jones Bootmaker ISH Edinburgh Comedy Awards

@ISHComedyAwards

1 year

The WINNER of the #ishawards for Best Show 2023 was again 2 shows, we couldn’t split them! @JuliaMasli and @paulfoot Congratulations to you both, to everyone long and short listed and thank you to everyone especially the venues for their incredible support… until next year!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

I got new phone and it got this thing called garageband and I gonna start music career win Mercury prize baybayyy.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

My response to the Prime Minister Boris Johnson's announcement....

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

9 years

Apparently it's time for me to "BREAK THE INTERNET" ! You wanted a naked "selfie" for 50,000 followers. Here it is! http://t.co/7DR9kOTwvw

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

My eyesight seems a bit dodgy today. Got a big journey coming up, so think I’ll drive to a beauty spot to test the eyes. Just need to find a four-year-old to strap into the back, for added danger & excitement. And a lady whose birthday it is. #NewNormal #LiesLiesLies

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Driveway dress rehearsal for my Zoom Show tomorrow. Still a few tickets available via my websyte baybayyy.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

I announce the royal enragement

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

I’m a social media influencer. Over the years, I’ve influenced many millions of people to not follow me and to pay no attention to my tweets.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

A man in Melbourne commissioned a portrait of me. This is his botty.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

I accidentally disturbed an ancient spirit and got hit with an Egyptian curse. What a palaver.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

10 years

I love @HarMarSuperstar . I'm giving him a piggy back home while he explains what "finger banging" is - #London http://t.co/694Wz4PYvp

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

If it quacks & waddles it’s a duck. If it involves Cummings, BoJo & driving round the country “to protect your child,” it’s a hypocritical cover-up. If Dom doesn’t go, perhaps we should all interpret the guidelines as we wish & we’ll presumably receive the full support of the PM!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

Here's some humour I did on the @micomfestival Gala baybayyy! Come see me in Melbourne until the 21st Apricot, and then in Sydney, Wellington, Auckland and Perth! #melbournecomedy #comedy #paulfoot #melbourneinternationalcomedyfestival #sydneycomedy

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Hi Jesus, just wanted to say ta for yer sacrifice. Cheers mate x x x

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Just three tickets remain for my show tonight in North London. Would suit three loners, or some people who know each other but don't get on.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

2 years

I have just arrived in Australia, and wasn't due to present @BBCMOTD this week anyway, so I realise it's pretty unlikely, but if I am asked to stand in for @GaryLineker I will refuse. #SolidarityWithGary

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

2 years

It’s easy to mistake a pair of boobs or a big juicy penis for a tractor. I know I have. I spent an evening in a mid-range hotel with a combine harvester.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

1 year

I live not far from Old Oak Common Depot, West London and often shop at a curiosities store near Birmingham Curzon Street and need to get there in a hurry when there are bargains, such as a model of a white elephant. So, for me, HS2 is worth every penny of the £100 billion

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

9 years

http://t.co/Yh6HniHmHU

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Boris &his advisers like Dominic Cummings seem to mistake governing for coming up with a new slogan every couple of weeks, like they’re running a campaign. We all understood the old slogan, we’re intelligent enough to make adjustments without an (essentially meaningless) new one.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

I just received an email from my water company to tell me that they will continue to supply fresh water during the second lockdown. Good to know.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

It’s ten to three in the morning and I’ve just cooked myself a roast pork supper. This is a good life.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

The nights are really drawing in, aren’t they?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Highway Code: “In good daylight you should be able to read a vehicle number plate with letters 79.4 mm high at a minimum distance of 20 metres.” Check your vision BEFORE you drive. Also I see nothing that mentions driving 30 miles to a beauty spot during a public health emergency

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

I on this show in 5 minutes baybayyy!

8 Out of 10 Cats

@8Outof10Cats

4 years

Always important to practice your anagrams for BRAND NEW #CatsCountdown – join @jimmycarr , Sean Lock, @RonJichardson , @paulfoot , @AngelaBarnes , @official_jcc , @susie_dent and @RachelRileyRR on Thursday at 9pm on @Channel4 !

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Devastated there is to be no election on 15th October. I was going to have a party that night, watching the results. Popcorn, salmon sandwiches, jam tarts etc. With tequila & wines and maybe fudge.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

10 years

I have safely landed back home in England via the method of falling out of the sky and landing on a lamp post... http://t.co/hXQFbny0Mv

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

9 years

Is my friend @NoelFielding11 the fest ever gentleman on the cover of glamour magazine or do they do this a lot?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Big News! My first ever DVD is released today! Here's a teaser, in which I discuss probably the biggest issue of the current moment, but by accident because I invented the humour 2.4 years ago. Find it on Amazon baybayyyy!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

I’m fed up of all these heartwarming stories about people keeping their spirits up during lockdown, helping vulnerable neighbours etc. Please can we go back to what British people do best: moaning, whilst keeping ourselves to ourselves.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

80% wages for doing nowt suits me fine, ta very much. Now they’re talking about me having to work full-time for an extra 20%! I’ll pass on that, thanks.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

A cloud I spotted in Bermuda looks like an old lady in a wide-brimmed hat giving away poisoned toffees.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

BREAKING NEWS: Dead duck Prime Minister, who was incapable of making a decision at the best of times decides not to make a decision about anything, as his hands are tied, he’s lost authority and leadership was never his strong suit anyway.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

TODAY is my 25th comedy birthday!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

A picture of me on the occasion of my 29th comedy birthday.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Let us spare a thought for self-employed people who haven’t declared their profits and so paid no taxes for years, meaning that they won’t get anything now from the government bailout scheme. Devastating.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Some people that I don’t understand who they are or what they do: Kanye West, the Kardashians, Kyle Jenner. P.S. Please don’t tell me. I’ve got this far in life without knowing and I prefer ignorance in these matters.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

Why must we have this foreign variant of covid in our country? We must close our borders. We were quite happy with the Kent variant. It was a British virus for British people!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Foot and Maoth.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

If he were still alive, my grandad would TODAY have surpassed Jeanne Calment’s record as the longest-lived human in history. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite make it, having died in 1962. Continue to rest in peace, dear dead grandpa x x x

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Now the Archbishop of Canterbury is saying we should replace white Jesuses with Middle Eastern Jesuses. This is political correctness gone mad. Everyone knows Jesus was white with fair hair and blue eyes & that he was English.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Let’s keep clapping for carers/NHS every Thursday, & also add the following: Friday: booing for bankers Sat: cynical laughter for celebrities Sun: bang a partridge for the aristocracy Monday: tambourines for tax exiles Tuesday: pissing for politicians Weds: twerking for tabloids

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

Take care in the sunshine. Remember, you can be burnt even in cloud, or even at night. Nighttime is the most dangerous time for sunburn, as people are off their guard.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Even if she worked in Nando's, Andrea Leadsom wouldn't get promoted to team leader, so how did she reach the upper echelons of Tory party?x

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

3 years

It’s a disgrace that Tony Blair’s been made a knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter. It brings into disrepute other noble knights of the Order, like Prince Andrew. His Royal Highness, who’s totally honourable & never lies, must be furious to be associated with such a man.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

If you meet a dog who knows you, it will recognise your scent. Dogs have smelling abilities many times as powerful as ours. It’s also a little-known fact that the dog can also recognise you by seeing you, as dogs have vision.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Penny got new job as flight attendant. Penny wanna take things to the next level with you and join mile high club.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

5 years

Trains were dangerously overcrowded (no social distancing), so they told only key workers to travel. Then, they reduced the number of trains, so that they’re still overcrowded. Brilliant! You couldn’t make it up. Well, actually you could. It’s quite easy to make up things.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

That's it. I'm trading in the Skoda. This is the vehicle I require. It's a questrian of style.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Hi @timfarron your "liberal" views really turn me on. Fancy some sinning?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

A few weeks ago I gorra new iPhone and it had an app called garageband on it. Thus, here is my first single. It is called "Smack my bottom". I'm gonna get Christmas number 1 baybayyyy!

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Dear Rishi Sunak, the support package you have announced is just not good enough. I want more money from you. A lot more money. I also specifically want you to give more money to the arts. And when I say specifically, I mean specifically to me. Please just give me more cash. Ta x

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

Meercat. @ZoosVictoria @WerribeeZoo

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

I'm on an island famous for shorts and mysterious disappearances. It's like a murder mystery at a school sports day.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Whenever someone says, “Fancy a pear?” I always say, “Just the one’ll be enough, thanks.” This means I can never decline a pear.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

My haircut is an exhausting trim to receive!

KᕮITᕼ ᑎIᐯᕮᑎ

@BeifBrau

6 years

I gave Oscar his first hair cut recently. Realised today when he fell asleep on the living room floor that the haircut I’d given him was the @paulfoot

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

6 years

Just saw this in Swansea. It’s a nice sentiment, although I’m sure the ability to tee off and get on the fairway should be first, and the ability to putt second. But what do I know about golf?

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

“Get a free meal with 10 tampons”. Vive la France.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

1 year

A poem for Luis Rubiales Goodnight, sweet rose All you wanted to do is reassert the patriarchy And you paid with your job Another highly paid man will now take your role Farewell, darling Luis I’ve forgotten you already xxx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

This is the best photo of me ever. It’s devastating that I don’t own the copyright to it and, even by retweeting it, I will launch myself into months of legal wranglings with Connoisseur Sue, culminating in a Johnny Depp-style court case. xx

Sue Anderson

@oblivious_me

4 years

@paulfoot Took a few Screengrabs last night... you look adorable on this one Baybayyy 😘 xx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Great pun, absolutely friggin' disastrous marketing. That's like starting up a butcher's shop and calling it "Sam 'n' Ella's".

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Hey Jesus, I know you must be going through a pretty low time right now. Just to let you know I’m thinking of you and I hope it all works out xx

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Today is my 28th comedy birthday.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

7 years

Why does everyone have beard. Please get rid of beard.

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

4 years

Road map to the inevitable 3rd lockdown: 1. Government sources deny there will be a lockdown 2. Leaked government sources say there will be a lockdown 3. Full enquiry into who did the leak 4. Meanwhile, more deaths, as Boris vacillates 5. Lockdown occurs

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Paul Foot

@paulfoot

8 years

Del Potro trying to beat OUR ANDY to that golden medal! What does he want next? The Falkland Islands? xxx

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