NewsThump @newsthump Twitter profile

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@atul_kulkarni

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Potatoes win “Best Vegetable” for 318th year in a row

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4 years

NEWS! Man who yelled at royal couple for quitting jobs, quits job

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3 years

NEWS! The Queen could afford Prince Andrew’s settlement by making her own packed lunch and ditching Netflix, insists Kirstie Allsopp

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7 years

"I invented the Internet" "No you didn't" "I can see through brick walls" "No you can't" "I own fourteen dinosaurs, all alive" "Please stop"

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4 years

If you think a tub of Ben & Jerry’s is overpriced, you’re going to shit your pants when you find out how much we paid for PPE that doesn’t work...

James Cleverly🇬🇧

@JamesCleverly

4 years

Can I have a large scoop of statistically inaccurate virtue signalling with my grossly overpriced ice cream please.

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3 years

@andy_murray @davidschneider BREAKING! Man who spent years promoting Australian-style immigration system now furious at Australian-style immigration system

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Huge queue forms at Palace on news that Prince Andrew is giving away money to people he’s never met

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2 years

NEWS! British news presenters to go on strike until their employers remove any risk of encountering Mick Lynch

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@newsthump

3 years

BREAKING! Matt Hancock’s wife hospitalised with prolonged laughing fit after the former Health Secretary publicly dumped by UN for someone they like better

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3 years

BREAKING! Prince Andrew’s lawyers insist current lawsuit could set “dangerous precedent” that rich people are no longer protected when they pay people off after doing terrible things to them

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@newsthump

11 months

That Suella Braverman "resignation" letter in full

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@newsthump

1 year

1.5 million people were evacuated from London. Some to rural country areas, some as far as Canada. These grifters continue to desperately rely on the ignorance of their followers.

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3 years

BREAKING! Family losing £20 a week in Universal Credit delighted to see cut in duty on Champagne

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@newsthump

8 years

Don't give them what they want... #Parliament

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! How I beat Covid the ‘natural way’ with nothing more than an ambulance ride and four nights in hospital on oxygen, by Right Said Fred

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@newsthump

2 years

According to 30p Lee, the death penalty should only apply in cases where there is video evidence offering definitive proof of someone's guilt. It's not like faking video proof of a crime is getting easier and easier, is it? This took us about 15 minutes.

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1 year

Sometimes, when they're not paying attention, the less intellectually blessed of these grifters lets their mask slip. Here 30p Lee, the six-bob knob, accidentally admitting that Rwanda is a place you'd send someone to punish them, not to "start a new life of opportunity".

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@newsthump

4 years

NEWS! I’m not taking some microchipped vaccine so Bill Gates can monitor me, says man glued to GPS-enabled 4G-capable camera and microphone

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@newsthump

6 years

The genius of the Donald Tusk insult is that to be offended by it, you have to admit to having no plan for delivering Brexit, despite being full-throated in support of it. You can't be offended without proving yourself ignorant at best, fraudulent at worst.

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2 years

@GretaThunberg Seriously, if you’re a high-profile piece of shit and called Andrew, stay away from Pizza. It will be your downfall…

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@newsthump

2 years

NEWS! Liz Truss to punish Vladimir Putin by running Russia’s economy for a week

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@newsthump

2 months

NEWS! Stop calling them the ‘Farage Riots’, demands man behind the Farage Riots

Stop calling them the ‘Farage Riots’, demands man behind the Farage Riots

Nigel Farage has demanded people stop referring to nationwide anti-immigrant far-right disturbances as the Farage Riots, simply because he loudly encouraged the sentiment behind them all.

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@newsthump

3 years

@mrjamesob

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Laurence Fox hates BLM because he thinks it stands for Billie Left Me

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@newsthump

1 year

Blimey, Labour are really going for the jugular with these new attack ads.

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Footballers kneeling is just ‘gesture politics’ says Priti Patel, unaware her boss spent last summer clapping on his doorstep

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Liz Truss appoints Rastamouse as trade envoy to the Caribbean

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@newsthump

1 month

Another day, another grifter monetising the ignorance of the low-information crowd. No, he wasn't given two years for "waving an England flag". He had firelighters on him and ADMITTED he planned to set fire to the Islamic Centre he was outside, admitted racially aggravated

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3 years

NEWS! Coronavirus leaves Keir Starmer’s body out of sheer boredom

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@newsthump

2 years

These new Twitter restrictions are getting ridiculous. #TwitterDown

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1 year

NEWS! Arsehole to write bollocks in shitrag

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@newsthump

7 years

BREAKING! Theresa May to be revealed as Margaret Thatcher's final Horcrux

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2 years

And so begins the practise of photoshopping Cruella laughing maniacally while stood in front of various scenes of human misery…

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4 years

BREAKING! Government tells people unable to take Covid tests they will be allowed to use their predicted results

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Sajid Javid declares new hospital open in his kitchen after applying plaster to cut on his finger

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@newsthump

7 months

Michael Gove out there today laying the ground work for the government's new "Extremist" definition.

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3 years

NEWS! Meghan Markle claims Prince Philip had a small private burial three days ago

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@newsthump

2 years

@mrjamesob

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@newsthump

3 years

So Aston Villa negotiated £100m out of Man City for Jack Grealish, then negotiated a free loan for £140m-man Coutinho from Barcelona. Is it time we considered letting Aston Villa negotiate our next Brexit deal?

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@newsthump

3 years

People said it was a complete waste of time, but we would argue that creeping into Mike Graham's garden to replace a small lump of concrete with a slightly larger one every time it rained has really paid off today.

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@newsthump

2 years

Matt Le Tissier - "I've done my own research" Everyone - "No Matt, You came across something in your algorithm manipulated feed, that pinged your implicit biases and fed your confirmation bias, then you subconsciously applied your own emotional filters and called it 'proof'."

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@newsthump

6 years

Loving the irony of Tommy Robinson supporters today explaining that the nazi-salutes and arrests for violence were small in number and aren't representative of them. Interesting how they suddenly believe a small number of extremists shouldn't tarnish an entire group...

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2 years

In fairness, one of Liz's better appointments

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@newsthump

6 years

Oh, that's just hilarious! Man on @mrjamesob 's LBC show just now... JOB: "Wait, you think you can jump out of a plane without a parachute and with the right preparation and training, you could fly?" Caller: "Yes" Brexit in a nutshell...

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3 months

NEWS! Scientists reclassify the shortest measurable unit of time as that which occurs between a Tommy Robinson arrest and the launch of his fundraising page

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@newsthump

2 months

NEWS! Arsehole to interview twat

Arsehole to interview twat

Right-wing MAGA Twitter is all a-flummox ahead of tonight’s interview of Donald Trump by Elon Musk.

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@newsthump

10 months

Boris is planning a populist comeback after unveiling a new look he believes will resonate with voters.

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@newsthump

3 years

BREAKING! Leeds United fire the only likeable thing about their entire club

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@newsthump

3 years

A lot has been written about getting on the housing ladder in the last 24 hours, mostly by people who never struggled to take that step. So, this is a small example of what it's like, today, for young people using the techniques recommended to them [THREAD]

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@newsthump

2 months

If you’d been targeted by the far-right they’d probably have set fire to the stage. If you’re intimidated by a picture of a lettuce, you are wholly unsuited to being a politician on the world stage.

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@newsthump

6 years

BREAKING! Tory Brexiters insisting on a re-run of the 2016 leadership election because they don't like the way the first vote turned out

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@newsthump

1 year

A handy reminder of the facts in the Nigel Farage Coutts row. 1. Nigel didn’t have enough money with Coutts to keep an account after paying off his mortgage with them 2. Coutts didn’t want to bend their own rules to keep him as a client because they think he’s a twat That’s it

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@newsthump

7 years

NEWS! ‘London is lost’, claims alt-right snowflake doing literally everything ISIS want from him

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@newsthump

2 years

@mrjamesob I realise there are a thousand ways this could end amicably before it gets this far, but who wouldn't want to see the High Court forensic cross-examination of a man who thinks you can grow concrete?

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@newsthump

2 months

The taunting wiggle in front of the police. The first brick clipping his head Him turning around clearly stunned The second brick full in the nads leading to a knock-kneed retreat. It's perfect. Hang it in the Louvre. Video via ( @fredflunk )

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1 year

Can you imagine the conversation at CCHQ about this tweet. "If we pretend a £110 pair of Airpods is a waste of taxpayer money, won't everyone simply point to the £200m+ of taxpayer money we gave to Tory peer Michelle Mone's company for totally unusable PPE?" "Post it anyway."

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1 month

Dan Wootton reveals his new fool-proof technique for avoiding an arrest for drink-driving.

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2 months

BREAKING! Gammons left furious as BBC celebrates dozens of small boats full of foreigners taking to the water in France

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1 year

UK GDP in 2015: $2,935 German GDP 2015: $3,357 UK GDP in 2022: $3,070 (up 4.6%) German GDP 2022: $4,075 (up 21%) There is a VERY good reason why Brexiters never want to compare figures from the point we decided to commit economic hari-kari Source:

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1 year

NEWS! The 'Sinister Forces' who blocked Nadine Dorries' peerage revealed to be family of ostriches seeking vengeance for her eating their Grandad's arsehole on TV #Dorries

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@newsthump

3 years

NEWS! Boris Johnson declares he didn’t want to go to a stupid NATO party and anyway he actually likes be alone so whatevs

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@newsthump

1 year

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg It's such a fine line to tread. On the one hand, you want to be the party of law and order, but on the other hand, you also want to be the party of looking the other way when your friends break the law. Such a dilemma.

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1 year

NEWS! Suella Braverman’s plan to stop migrant boats by surrounding UK with a floating barrier of shit nears completion

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@newsthump

7 years

NEWS! UK Brexit team furious as EU threatens to keep British people dangerously well-informed

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2 years

NEWS! Matt Hancock’s first bushtucker trial to involve skydiving into the jungle without the appropriate PPE

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4 years

NEWS! Greta Thunberg statue to power two million homes by harnessing the rage of hypocritical Daily Mail readers

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6 months

@Jacob_Rees_Mogg We wrote this 8 years ago, and barely a week goes by where one of you fails to prove it true at least once...

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@newsthump

2 years

@GaryLineker @grantshapps "The only way to argue against someone when you are 100% in the wrong, is to lie about what they said." - Me, just now.

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2 years

@elonmusk If only there were some historical precedent where 52% of people voted for something demonstrably awful and ruined it for everyone…

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2 months

NEWS! Lee Anderson successfully puts on his shoes

Lee Anderson successfully puts on his shoes

Following Lee Anderson’s deft and nuanced response to the Manchester Airport police incident comes another triumph after the Reform Party today announced that Mr Anderson successfully put on his ow…

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3 years

NEWS! Exhausted Daily Mail staffers leave two-day brainstorm after failing to link Prince Andrew settlement to Meghan Markle

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4 years

NEWS! Buckingham Palace to investigate claims that Meghan bullied Prince Andrew into having sex with teenage girls

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6 months

@andreajenkyns This criticism would hit harder if you hadn’t spent the last three years ably demonstrating how every single Brexit promise was nothing more than gargantuan pile of bovine excrement

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1 month

Another day, another Tommy Ten Names Tall Tale... The man in question goaded police and pushed someone into the police cordon, which started a fight between police and protesters. Plus - and here's the important bit - he was actually out on licence after serving only half of

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6 years

BREAKING! Donald Trump to decide between 'thoughts and prayers' and 'changing government policy' as soon as he learns Santa Fe High School shooter's ethnicity

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6 years

@mrjamesob The smugglers ferrying asylum seekers across the channel have a far better shipping infrastructure than the firm the government gave a £14m contract to...

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2 years

@BorisJohnson The MHRA was operating under EU regulation until the end of Jan 2021, per the Brexit transition period YOU negotiated. The vaccine was approved while still subject to EU rules. Everything we did, we could have done inside the EU. Fact checked by a satire site. Embarrassing.

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4 years

@realDonaldTrump Confused Republicans attack Count Von Count after latest Trump tweet

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3 years

Unless, of course, your Dad is a multi-millionaire Baron. [ends]

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8 years

Meanwhile, at the Daily Mail offices this morning…

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3 years

NEWS! Prince Charles in foul mood after wrong parent dies

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7 years

BREAKING! Estate agents claim London property prices will continue to rise as woman pays £1bn for house on Downing Street

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7 years

Anyone claiming to know exactly what is happening at Oxford Circus is either lying, or guessing. Don't share rumours - it helps no-one but those wanting to deceive you. And that's coming from an account that literally makes everything up...

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2 years

@krishgm If they're worried about the political impartiality of their freelance workers, wait until they find out how much the new BBC chairman has donated to the Tories...

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4 years

NEWS! Brexiters angrily demand the French take control of our borders

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2 years

It's wild that you can say something as specific as "Andrew, the pizza-loving sex offender" and people still don't know which one you mean.

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@newsthump

2 years

@johnredwood It’s wrong to have a border between NI and Ireland because after decades of violence, the Good Friday Agreement removed it, saving untold lives. We have a border with NI because you voted for the Brexit, despite being told this would happen. Thanks for coming to our TED Talk.

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3 years

@mrjamesob Rejection after rejection. Poor bloke. Mark Francois complains that 'remainer-biased galleries' refused to exhibit his artwork

Mark Francois complains that ‘remainer-biased galleries’ refused to exhibit his artwork

Tory backbencher and self-published memoir-writer has today lashed out at the many remainer-owned galleries that steadfastly refused to host an exhibition of artwork he produced during lockdown.

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3 years

NEWS! Boris Johnson forced to reassure Michael Gove that some things will still be sold by the gram

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3 years

BREAKING! Is Meghan to blame for the Queen getting Covid? We ask the question so the Daily Express doesn’t have to

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3 years

NEWS! ‘It is time to take personal responsibility’ insists man who has abandoned two wives and an unknown number of children

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5 years

BREAKING! Covid-19 insists Harvey Weinstein consented to infection

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2 years

@NadineDorries @BorisJohnson Tell me you know you'd never get a ministerial job under another PM without telling me you know you'd never get a ministerial job under another PM.

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2 years

@EmmaKennedy @TwitterSupport There’s always a tweet…