ditch pony @molly7anne Twitter profile

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

4 years

why did I find my cat hanging out with a snake? neither harmed- just basking together

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@molly7anne

3 years

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

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@molly7anne

4 years

are you okay? you didn’t say “cows” when we drove by cows

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@molly7anne

5 years

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

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@molly7anne

6 years

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT! Also family: Have a baby :)

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@molly7anne

5 years

i am 25 and completely burnt out. what am I suppose to do for 50 MORE years? maintain a yard? bitch about traffic? keep buying spinach and watching it die? get oil changes? fucksake

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@molly7anne

6 years

DEPRESSION: you can’t just drink tea and do a face mask and expect me to disappear ME: *painting nails* haha what ?? cant hear you over all the Self Care D: seek professional help M: *puts lemon slice in my water* lmao bet

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

They shouldn’t have tried to hold an election AND teach Americans how to wash their hands, all in the same week. It was too much. We were overwhelmed.

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@molly7anne

6 years

unpopular opinion but I think wild animals have every right to maul us to death literally whenever they feel like it

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

boomers be like “tattoos? ha. unemployable! now let me get back to tolerating workplace sexual harassment because that is normal and fine.”

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

23 days

Updates: I love my job, their house was rebuilt with upgrades, and doc just confirmed mom is cancer free 🥰

ditch pony

@molly7anne

3 years

driving my mom from cancer treatments to go pick through what’s salvageable from their house fire and I got a text that I have been fired ☺️ I am living a very bad country song 🤠

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

4 years

the fiancé vs the future mother-in-law

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

2 years

several years ago I read that potatoes and butter have all the nutrients a person needs to stay alive and I have refused to inspect that information since. it is my emotional support fact.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

2 years

I wonder if Elon knows the secret to being popular on Twitter is planting just soooo many trees, thousands of trees. trees are the new retweets. and also housing the unhorsed and shutting up forever. very trendy stuff.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

I spent $123k and 3 years at law school just to make sure my first witness was a guy named Tod so I could say “With Tod as my witness!” Spent the rest of the session in tears of laughter! Love my job! My client is going to prison.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

3 years

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

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@molly7anne

7 months

as a woman I REFUSE to make myself small for YOUR comfort unless YOU are my CAT and you are sleeping on my bed like a little baby prince boy I will contort and accommodate and give you five thousand head kisses ready set muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah mua

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

Yes I’m a MILLENNIAL I have high functioning DEPRESSION and ALMOND MILK I have ROOMMATES one of whom is a SPIDER he hasn’t paid UTILITIES in months but he’s a SPIDER so I’m too afraid to ASK for the MONEY plus I RESPECT his importance to the ECOSYSTEM I am afraid of CONFLICT

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

Airbnb suggests the existence of other bnbs. Waterbnb. Earthbnb. But that all changed when the firebnb attacked

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 months

went to the dentist last month and they showed me their fancy new AI program that looks at your teeth. I also learn I need several thousands of dollars of dental work done. yippie! maybe you can see where this is going. I schedule the appt to get the work done. so today I went in

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

“You don’t seem bi.” Oh shit sorry forgot my Bi.D. Wanna just watch me parallel park a hybrid while we listen to Lizzo or ??

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

4 years

every boyfriend gift guide is just: -hot sauce -alcohol -new underwear for when he shits himself from all the hot sauce and alcohol -a watch

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@molly7anne

6 years

At just 16 years old I started an outreach program for troubled boys. I’d date them until they gained enough confidence to cheat on me. Today you can still see them thriving in the wild, spitting chew in monster cans, not paying child support, poking me on Facebook. Beautiful.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 months

By the end of the appt he’s done one small filling (the program said I needed like four) and then some unscheduled cosmetic whitening just bc I went thru the trouble. it cost a tenth of what I was quoted. I now have several concerns about AI in medicine.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

7 years

My dad is vacuuming while chewing sunflower seeds and he’s spitting them out right in front of the vacuum to clean them up as he goes. I have so much still to learn from this man that gave me life.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

My client was freaking out because she could feel ticks on her dog but she’s still recovering from Lasik so she didn’t think she could find them all by herself so she rushed the dog to the vet and long story short the vet had to explain dog nipples

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

1 year

ok but seriously and truly. there is no love like the love between a dad and the dog he said he didn’t want. mom and I had to drag him to look at a litter Tuesday. as in 2(two) days ago. today he goes “well he’s a water dog, might look at putting in a pool in for him.” SIR???

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

Be careful when you start saying stuff ironically because suddenly you can’t stop. Like I’ve been saying “yeet” for days. Yeet yeet yeet, constantly. My family is devastated. They won’t stop crying. “You’re breaking our hearts,” they say. “Yeet,” I say.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

3 years

when you moisturize and you’re too slippery to open the bathroom door? that’s your slime time. you can use it however you want.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

landlords really want us paying full price for February. FEBRUARY. Lmao grow up.

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@molly7anne

5 years

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

hate a “I just ate that yesterday” bitch. Oh u JUST had Mexican? You mean the cuisine of an Entire Nation? The food that has sustained millions of people for hundreds of years? Wouldn’t want that 2x in 24 hours huh? Huh?? U pathetic piece of shit get out of my taco munching way

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

uhh I see that your newborn child is hungry but could ya maybe let him starve a bit? you see I am a grown man and I feel a tad queasy when tits aren’t for fuckin thanks doll hey what’s your email I’ll send ya a dick pic later my treat

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

4 years

“All lives matter”

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

Me when I was 15: When I’m 25 I’ll be able to buy things like a house and a cool car and- Me, 25: okay I can either get a bathrobe or an oil change what’s it gonna be bitch

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

Me: Getting my IUD hurt like a bitch but it felt like my only safe option. A man who has never ever not even once had his feet in stirrups while a doctor rummaged around in his organs: Couldn’t be that bad.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

2 years

I am a millennial in charge of a couple gen z employees, how many low res minion memes do you think I should attach per email to make them experience dread? 4-5?

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@molly7anne

3 years

the richest dude in the world is threatening to murder Lenard DeCaprisun I am crying laughing, we are gods children and he left us in a hot car

Jeff Bezos

@JeffBezos

3 years

Leo, come over here, I want to show you something… @LeoDiCaprio

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@molly7anne

5 years

me at the school field trip to the zoo whispering “I’m sorry” to the dolphins

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@molly7anne

2 years

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

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@molly7anne

1 year

Taco Bell shouldn’t even have a menu. You should just hand them $5-10 and let them interpret your spiritual needs.

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@molly7anne

6 years

All these poor folks flocking over from Instagram. Finally seeing where the memes get made. It’s like learning what hotdogs are. Hurts doesn’t it?

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 months

I’m sitting in the chair, they’ve numbed up my face and the dentist arrives. They start poking around my mouth. Awkward pause. “Where is it?” He looks at the chart, back to my mouth, back to the chart. “Yeah I’m not seeing that.”

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@molly7anne

5 years

every fetus I’ve heard of knows the cure to cancer and yet when the baby arrives it doesn’t know shit smh someone lying

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@molly7anne

1 year

certified freak? seven days a week? babygirl you need a union

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@molly7anne

7 years

Sick of people sayin “grow a pair” to signify “toughen up.” Like testicles are so strong. You know what’s really tough? Growing a literal pear. Yeah hoe. Try mastering photosynthesis. Didn’t think so.

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@molly7anne

3 years

my grandma just got Hulu and she physically wrote a letter with her account and password and a list of her favorite shows so I could watch them too and she mailed this to me using the United States Postal Service and if any of you ever tell her I already have Hulu I will kill you

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@molly7anne

6 years

This film is rated D for Drastic Changes In Noise Level That Make It Very Difficult To Settle On A Volume Setting

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@molly7anne

2 months

why doesn’t she go to the crypto circus? why won’t Kamala weigh in on the Drake beef? why do women cover their drinks when I show up? why doesn’t Batman just shoot the joker? what happens to the world when I play peekaboo?

Shadow Governor Vos

@Robin_Vos_Stan

2 months

Why doesn’t Kamala do an X space? Or is she too chicken?

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@molly7anne

6 years

ME: *holding leash* Wanna go for a walk? DOG: 😃 ME: April’s Fools! DOG: 🙁 ME: *revealing a second leash from behind my back* We’re going for TWO walks DOG: 😂🤪

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@molly7anne

2 years

last night we were at a family dinner and I announced “we have news..” just to let the table know that two of our ducks are now dating. watching my dear mothers face go from grandbaby to grand disappointment so fast…what a rush. I’m doing that shit again at thanksgiving.

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

6 years

If I woke up to a bear in my campsite I’d be like “Big spooky fella. I respect him.” But if there was a big fuggin bird stomping around?? I would shit my shorts. I would dig my own grave thru the bottom of the tent. Scary ass murder kites. You can’t reason with sky meatballs.

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@molly7anne

6 years

anxiety: if you don’t master a French braid in the next 20 minutes you’re a dumb horrible person me: that makes absolutely no logical sense but like you’re right

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@molly7anne

6 years

tryna keep up with school, work, pay bills, avoid pregnancy, topple the patriarchy, find a cute fall sweater, befriend the squirrels, reduce my ecological footprint, clean my car, eat salads, AND vote? festive lattes ain’t gonna cut it this fall I need a pumpkin spice cocaine

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ditch pony

@molly7anne

5 years

Whoever bought a black kitten Halloween prop and then tossed it in the ditch: I hope you rot. Stopped on a busy road to grab him. Rushed to vet. Clean health. Started deworming. Barely 3 weeks. Keeping him warm and fed until we find a home. DONT BUY HOLIDAY PETS

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@molly7anne

6 years

your stripper name is your first name plus your last name because strippers are human beings just like you. your stage name can be glitter tits.

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@molly7anne

4 years

Ricky was a roadside rescue found shortly after halloween. He is only ever outside with me. I looked up from a book to see this a couple feet away. He is a good boy. He don’t kill birds. We are a strict respect nature household. Thanks witches.

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@molly7anne

5 years

having pain in your abdomen and spiraling “cramps? period? tumors??? ate something? need to eat?? am I pregernant? preganernant? could I be pregerfant? iud stabby? death? appendicks? pergant??? what is it girl?”

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@molly7anne

5 years

MOM IS CANCER FREE FUCK YES SUCK MY DICK CANCER!!! THANK YOU MAYO CLINIC THANK YOU DOCTORS AND NURSES AND MODERN MEDICINE THANK YOU RANDOM STRANGERS FOR SENDING LOVE FUCK YES I LOVE MY MOM !!!

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@molly7anne

5 years

saying “I got my period” -basic -predictable sobbing “i have failed to bear ye an heir” and collapsing on the hearth -festive -historic tones -extra spicy in lesbian relationships

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@molly7anne

6 years

Chiropractor: where does it hurt Me: everywhere Chiropractor: *snaps my neck* better? My ghost: Better

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@molly7anne

5 years

so instagram can constantly censor strippers & sex workers but no one can do anything about the countless unsolicited dick pics no one asked for hmm interesting very interesting that is just so interesting

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@molly7anne

3 years

she can see ghosts

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@molly7anne

5 years

Master race my fucking ass you could take down any KKK assembly with lactose and a packet of taco bell diablo hot sauce

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@molly7anne

5 years

a show called Danny which simply follows Danny Trejo around while he buys slushees and saves kittens or whatever he does on a normal day and it’s all filmed by Danny DeVito, struggling to keep up and making constant commentary

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@molly7anne

5 years

I’ve created a scale to monitor our son’s moods during puberty

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@molly7anne

2 months

wild to me that a company with this much money and this much PR to lose would not simply pay the widow instead of opting to be more evil than any villain they’ve created but alas

Culture Crave 🍿

@CultureCrave

2 months

A doctor died at a Disney Springs restaurant from an allergic reaction after being assured the meal was allergen-free The widower then sued Disney is now trying to dismiss the suit — arguing he agreed to arbitrate all disputes when signing up for a Disney+ free trial years

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@molly7anne

5 years

Catholic Church: *sitting on an untaxed fortune* the rich: Oh you poor babies lemme help you here have some millions flint Michigan:

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@molly7anne

6 years

If my boyfriend 💏and my horse 🐴 were both drowning 🙀💦and I could only save one ☝️🏊‍♂️they’d both be safe 👌because they’re both 👯‍♀️the same horse 😍💖🤠🏇

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@molly7anne

4 years

just FYI you do not need to caption cute videos with things like “in case you’re feeling sad today...” Rest assured, I am always sad. show me the gecko.

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@molly7anne

5 years

it’s 2019 we are no longer accepting “I don’t believe in climate change.” it’s not a belief. it’s not Scientology or Sasquatch. it is science. what you mean is you don’t understand climate change and/or you have an addiction to Fox News. next

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@molly7anne

10 months

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

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@molly7anne

6 years

Writing professor: Make your character want something Male writers: *very inspired* oh she wanted some Dick

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@molly7anne

2 years

I used to drink half a bottle of rum then wake up at dawn and ace a biology test. now I eat a salty snack too late at night and I wake up like “my hydration levels will never recover from this”

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@molly7anne

6 years

ME: Hey wha- FORD COMMERCIAL: Look at this TRUCK. It weighs a TON. It’s RED. Haul this Lumber up a sand dune. This truck has 16 wheels. Now we SMASH it thru a Brick Wall. Go buy this Truck and punch your step dad. There’s sawdust everywhere. God your Penis is so Big buy the TRUC

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@molly7anne

5 years

my secretary is completely incompetent but he is doing his best

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@molly7anne

4 years

I’m at the civil war. I’m at the pandemic. I’m at the combination civil war pandemic.

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@molly7anne

5 years

ma is cancer free, my sister is pregnant af with healthy twins, my application is in for a dog-friendly house, lil nas is gay, and I have enough money in the bank to take that mini vacation to Maine to pick blueberries with my fam. good stuff good stuff.

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@molly7anne

6 years

We are here to mourn the loss of a husband, a father, and Dairy Queen’s employee of the month for 73 consecutive months. He asked to have his ashes spread here, at the drive thru window where he spent his life. *flips urn over but nothing comes out*

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@molly7anne

2 years

unhorsed.

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@molly7anne

1 year

Fascinated by whatever it is about running water that turns dogs into reverse beavers.

Buitengebieden

@buitengebieden

1 year

The irrigation dog..

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@molly7anne

2 years

pro nouns? no thanks. I’ve grown weary of people, places and things.

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@molly7anne

6 years

cashier: it says your card was declined me: weird! narrator: it was not weird. it was, in fact, exactly what the broke bitch expected.

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@molly7anne

6 years

you ever sit down with a literal book and realize two minutes in it’s been at least a month since you activated your skull muffin

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@molly7anne

5 years

okay whomst the Fuck named this litter of rescue puppies skaksjakakskd

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@molly7anne

6 years

people are so boring like “oh i can’t I am such an introvert” and “watch out I’m an extrovert lol” like shut up the shape of your belly button should not define your personality this much smh

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@molly7anne

4 years

@KimKardashian very cool Kim, my last apartment had 14 gorgeous mice

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@molly7anne

5 years

we traded hot girl summer for alien liberation summer

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@molly7anne

6 years

BRAIN: this coffee is very hot ME: yes B: so you wouldn’t pour it on your body M: correct B: so you shouldn’t pour it in your thro- M: *already drinking it* oh Shit that Ouches

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@molly7anne

27 days

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

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@molly7anne

6 years

Male comedian: the only thing my wife can drive is me crazy haha right Audience of men wearing the same baseball shirt/darkwash jean combo they’ve had since high school bc they can’t maintain a relationship long enough for a girlfriend to update their wardrobe: HAHAHA

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@molly7anne

6 years

A dozen different people: Hey can you do me a quick favor? Me, on the verge of my own mental breakdown but completely unable to disappoint others or ask for help: Yes Of Course!!!!!

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@molly7anne

6 years

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it? Me: no I just look like that

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@molly7anne

5 years

I drink the health fluids, I take the meds, I sleep the slumber, yet I am still?? So tired??? The heck, I ask. The heck.

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@molly7anne

5 years

Happy Memorial Day. The VA had an annual budget of over 6 million allocated for veteran suicide prevention in 2018. They did not use it.

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@molly7anne

5 years

I don’t giv an rats ass about your so called “meesles” and “doctor school” I know my babies kayleighyn and Kyle best I gave birth naturally in a kiddo pool of Mountain Dew ok we don’t need “vaccines” we only need White Castle and The Lord amen?? fuck the library media!!!

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@molly7anne

5 years

I hate when people say “sending good vibes!” bro did I order vibes? no. Cancel the vibes. my garage is already overflowing with vibes. I don’t care how good they are, I’m not renting a storage unit for the fuckin vibes man, keep your vibes I can’t house them I’m literally shakin

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