Jessica Fostekew @jessicafostekew Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@0697space

Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I was already in my mid-thirties when I learnt that Jools Holland’s hootenanny is actually filmed in October and I’m not gonna lie, fucked me uP WAy HaRDEr than when I found out Santa wasn’t real. Anyway happy new year and remember: trust no-one.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

What a guy

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’ve bought a house for the first time and have been avoiding a smug post about it but GUYS… earlier I did my first ever shit in my first ever house wahoooo 🏡 🔑 #goals Then remembered the toilet isn’t plumbed in.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

OH FUCK OFF. Cos everyone not dieting now will look back and this PANDEMIC one day to say ‘do you know what? I wish I’d spent it really hungry & even sadder so that I was smaller while no-one saw me before going back to my normal body I sadly and wrongly hated, when it was done’

The Telegraph

@Telegraph

4 years

"I’ve managed to lose a stone and a half in five weeks when the biggest workout I’ve done is taking the bins out"

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

My Mum and me share pictures of meals we’ve made and more often than not she replies with this emoji: 🤢 I thought ‘God the apocalypse has really darkened her sense of humour’ and congratulated her on that. But turns out she thought it meant ‘green with envy’

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

How am I? 🤔 This morning my son woke me up by ripping all my covers off, using my tummy has a bongo but with his cold massive feet then he sniffed my whole body up close like a handsy truffle pig and shouted “your boobies smell likes McDonalds chips”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

My incredible nonagenarian NANA G has haaaaaad the vaccine 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳❤️🌋❤️🌋❤️🌋 💉 and what a 🌈 to celebrate. Oh my heart. This news at the end of such a glum day for me too.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’m just gonna say it, I think that @LushLtd shampoo bars might last TOO long. Mine has witnessed a full pandemic, a change in sexuality, singleness through to engagement and it’s stiiiiiill there. Lush, please consider a move into house building. Thank you.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

She said yes. #really #grown #up

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

All those smug pricks who ‘don’t have a television in our house actually, we read’ are getting their fucking comeuppance at least.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

For the first time in 7 years I got the idea I might have done SOMETHING right as a parent. My son said “If he worked really really really really hard, do you think a man could ever be a comedian?”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

2022 and one of my local mayoral candidates casually including some extreme homophobic hatred in her plan. Shame, Maureen, cos I’d have loved to have the fly tipping tackled. Are there not rules for this stuff @LewishamCouncil ?

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Don’t mind telling you mate, I did #liveattheapollo last night AND I DIDN’T FUCK IT UUUUP 🥳🤩🤯🎙❤️. Oof. Happy as a clam.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

OHHHHHHHHH. FUCKING. HELL.

Edinburgh Comedy Awards

@ComedyAwards

5 years

The 2019 #DavesEdinburghComedyAwards Best Comedy Show nominees are @DarrenHarriott @MmmSausage @DemiLardner @goodbearcomedy @IvoGraham @jessicafostekew @jordbrookes @TheLondonHughes @spendals Congratulations! The winner will be announced on Saturday 24th.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

My timeline is full of 50% people calling me a f**king idiot for ever believing that a show full of celebs would really be filmed live on NYE and 50% people who also didn’t know and are so heartbroken they’d now like me dead. Ahh. Twitter.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Dear publicists, don’t come to me to have your client on my podcast. Never again. Because they don’t fucking show up, even when you’ve had me travel to them. Have some fucking respect for the value of peoples time* *my week isn’t off to the best start

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I had a pang or feeling sad that I still can’t get a wax then I remembered the time the lady waxing me had just got the sack and was so angry and sad, she started crying and it was awful and at one point I felt a teardrop on my anus.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

This is how I feel when people call me ‘hun’

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Excuse me but as of right now my first ever stand up special #Hench is streaming on @primevideouk Oh my god #emotionhorse Please may you watch it? And give it a 5* review? It makes them give me more stand up specials apparently. There’s a bit where I do a handstand, so.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

Neil Patrick Harris was just in my audience but I didn’t recognise him so we had a 6 minute chat about stationary. I said he should definitely visit Paperchase while he’s here because it would really broaden his horizons. Am I cancelled? I think I might need to be cancelled.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

A BABY PORCUPINE IS CALLED A PORCUPETTE. Porcupette.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I’m a feminist but... I just got cat called whilst in my shittest baggiest stinkiest gym clothes, post-work-out-purple-face, my hair sweat-soaked on to my neck and forehead... WHILST CHANGING MY FOOD WASTE BIN. And I can’t lie. I’ll take that. 💯.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

I JUST GOT MY FIRST PULL UP. Then I did 17 more 😅 Pathetically, I’m crying. I’m 38 and fucking heavy and I worked really hard for years. Makes a change from tweets about Wordle or begging you to come to gigs Disclaimer: this wasn’t the first one it was a later prettier one 😂

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

You know that old trope: no-ones dying regret was ever ‘I spent too much time with my kids’ I fucking dispute that actually.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Yep.

Rhys James

@rhysjamesy

5 years

I promise you this replaces Audrey Hepburn on the wall in every girl’s future uni halls.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I’m short, queer, REALLY INTO EATING and funny. Oh blooming heck. Literally the ONLY thing stopping me being the next @BritishBakeOff presenter is that I’m not a national treasure. How do you become a national treasure? Is it draw an ‘X’ on my back?

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’m a feminist but… I’ve just forgiven my son for years of shocking sexism because he just saw a picture of Katy Perry and said “she look likes you” Time for a completely clean slate. #mysexistbaby #reborn #mychildgenius

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Cor. I never win prizes. Thank you. Chortle have historically only ever made me very very very upset for 11.5 of my 12 years in comedy, so it’s a comical u-turn on their part but it’s the public who vote so fucking massive THANK YOU public voters. What a nice thing.

Multitude Media

@MultitudeMedia

4 years

The @chortle Award for Best Breakthrough goes to @jessicafostekew ! 💪

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Stone. Cold. Fucking. Legend.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

PLEASE.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

My son has been in school for less than half of one day and I’ve already been passive aggressively shut down in the parents’ WhatsApp group. This is going to be a really really really long next 14 years.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Ooo! They done a clip of me doing stand up on #LiveAtTheApollo . YES PLEASE. If you like it, I’m on tour the whole first half of 2020 and I’d be absolutely fine with you coming. (please come) 🎟🎟🎟 💪🏿💪🏽💪🏻

My Doings – Jessica Fostekew

jessicafostekew.com

BBC Two

@BBCTwo

5 years

The demands of being a parent are never-ending, just ask @jessicafostekew . 😂 #LiveAtTheApollo

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Me aged 36: I believe in love, empathy and compassion. But that if you don’t pick up your litter you don’t deserve to use the NHS.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

This is a good cartoon to show both the racist narcissism of people still whining ‘all lives matter’ and also the exact type of arrogance of my 4 year old.

michael chakraverty 🍉

@mschakraverty

4 years

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

My phone just autocorrected ‘grateful’ to ‘farted UK’

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

I’ve had the weirdest and most upsetting trolling I’ve ever in the last week and about the most bizarre stuff. If it wasn’t for the tour I’d 💯 be coming off social media just now. People are awful.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

🥳 🎺💪🏽 my poster won the panel prize in the @PosterAwards . What a lovely thing. I bow my big strong wobbly body to the majesty of @idilsukan

British Comedy Guide

@BritishComedy

5 years

Comedy Poster Awards - Panel Award: @jessicafostekew 's Hench. Photographer: @IdilSukan . Designer: @Chris_Lince .

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Quite weird at waving aren’t I? I AM ON #QI TOMORROW 🥳🥳🥳🥳 YESSSSss pplllLLLLEEEASE @qikipedia On @BBCTwo at 9pm with @sanditoksvig @alandavies1 @GylesB1 and @susancalman 🤩😍

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

News on the radio this morning and my 4yo says “what’s a government?” I said “what do you think the government is?” Him “it’s an idiot”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’ve done my first strongman competition and I loved it so much! I came 5th (out of 10) and I was more scared than I’ve been before any gig ever abs don’t tell my Mum but in the first event I accidentally dropped a really heavy stone on my own head.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Morning.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Just found out Hench won best show and all. Fuck off. Nice to be overwhelmed about something nice. Thank you if you voted.

Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Cor. I never win prizes. Thank you. Chortle have historically only ever made me very very very upset for 11.5 of my 12 years in comedy, so it’s a comical u-turn on their part but it’s the public who vote so fucking massive THANK YOU public voters. What a nice thing.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

He’s started calling me ‘bruv’ He’s 5. #mysexistbaby

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

#mysexistbaby just walked past, put his hand inside my top, grabbed a boobs worth of my tummy fat and went ‘HONK’ without ever taking his eyes off the TV or pausing in his long long long mansplain of what a dragonfly is. I WANT A HOLIDAY IN DURHAM.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

#mysexistbaby just said “take it” while passing me some rubbish. As I took it I said “pardon?” He said “cheers baby”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Just had the harrowing realisation that someone, somewhere, in 9 months time is going to name their baby twins ‘Covid’ and ‘Corona’ They are, aren’t they? They actually are.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

I promised my Mum I wouldn’t do any more stand up about her ever again but she thinks the the chancellor’s name ‘Richie Sunak’ AND IF I DON’T AT LEAST WRITE IT DOWN HERE I’M GONNA EXPLODE.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

Yeah boy.

British Comedy Guide

@BritishComedy

2 years

Jessica Fostekew is to star in her own Radio 4 stand-up series, Sturdy Girl Club, early next year. @jessicafostekew

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaaahhahahahahahahahaahahahha

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I know my fiancé’s engagement ring must be quite tasteful because my close friends seem universally surprised that I picked it by myself.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

FUCK. ACTUAL. OFF.

Laura

@eyesonstage

4 years

It happened sooner than she said, but @jessicafostekew called it 🤣

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Dear Wordle, A note about tomorrow. You owe us an easy one now you bastard. Give us a nice gentle 'tired' or something yeah? Wednesdays are hard enough. Yours, Jess

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

My first stand up special is going to be on the 📺 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥸😎🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Soho Theatre

@sohotheatre

3 years

BIG NEWS 👀 Series 2 of Soho Theatre Live on @primevideouk will come out 24 September with shows from @CatherineBohart , @jordbrookes , @destheray , @ninaconti , @jessicafostekew , @JanineHarouni , @KieranCHodgson , @sarahkcomedy , @kaisamra and @sindhuvfunny 🔥

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

WAAAAAHHHHHH AAAGHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m ringing my Mum! Breakfast 🍾 for everyone! Wordle 228 2/6 ⬜🟩⬜🟩⬜ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’m on QI tonight with hot babes @sanditoksvig @WeeMissBea and @Roisinconaty . 10pm @BBCTwo And it WAS sensational actually. What a wildly funny bunch of geniuses (geniui?)

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I’ve had two gigs go really dog shit badly recently and I’ve been playing them back in my head, analysing them and then for once, I worked out, FOR DEFINITE, what had happened! My new blouse is cursed.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Oh god. I just panicked that the Uber eats man maybe didn’t celebrate Christmas and said “have a lovely Easter”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

NOW can you persuade your Dads to stop voting for them? Please.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I’d prefer one handy consolidated notification saying ‘Everyone you’ve ever met in your whole fucking life just joined House Party!’

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I just had the gig of my whole life at the @royalalberthall THE ROYAL ALBERT FUCKING HALL MATE. Biggest gig of my life. I was disgustingly honest. I sang. I danced. I told jokes and I did press ups. My heart is…

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Excuse me but I’m on #LiveAtTheApollo at 10pm on @bbctwo tonight. YES I KNOW ACTUAL LIVE AT THE APOLLO. Finally, something to impress taxi drivers with and to help persuade my Mum to pity me less. YES.…

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

OKAY. I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST ONE SO FAR. #mysexistbaby “are sour things good for you?” Me “yeah I think they’re good for your gut” Him “well I really hope when you’re eating you’re thinking about whether or not it’s good for your womb”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Why would I never do Strictly? Because I’d be the youngest ever person to be paired with Anton.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Podcasts about people leaving cults are so popular it’s mad that no-one has started one about the ordeal so many have also faced getting themselves out of WhatsApp groups.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

This morning #mysexistbaby said on a FaceTime to his Nana “no doubt we’ll never see you again” after bragging her that he’s “already had corona three times. So”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

I wrote a little piece for @guardian which today. The other articles in the #livinginawomansbody series are beautiful so devour them all when you’ve time.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

It was annoying when they made Creme eggs smaller and sicklier and not-as-good, but we’ve acclimated, humans are so flexible and forgiving. But if they ever, EVER fuck with mini-eggs, I will riot and I will kill.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I told my 4 year old son he’d be too hot in his chosen (massive) outfit and said “I don’t care. I want to sweat. I want to be sweaty. Like a man because one day I’ll be a man. A sweaty man.” EAT THAT PRINCE ANDREW

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

1 year

IT’S WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

1 year

Passengers in London stuck on trains due to swan on Elizabeth line track

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I hate how hard my therapist is to make laugh.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

How’s everyone getting on with the old real interacting? Yesterday two lovely colleagues I’d not seen in a year complimented me on my appearance and I immediately pulled my mouth open to show them my new ulcer.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Just a small reminder: any Doctor telling you to eat absolutely fuck all some days is not a Doctor who is going to make you healthier, whoever you are.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

I’ve 🖊’d down more opinions out in @ObserverUK @guardian today 😌

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

In probably the darkest throw of shade ever #mysexistbaby has just seen my newly hairy armpits then absent mindedly spent the last half hour reciting from memory ‘Hairy Mclairy from Donaldson’s Dairy’

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

I bet if Neil Armstrong was walking on the moon for the first time now instead of it 1969 you wouldn't be able to see it unless you had Disney +.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

In my back garden, from neighbouring gardens I can hear dancehall, dub, grime, jungle and minimum 2 x pirate radio stations. And I smell at least three distinctly different strains of skunk. Catford’s staying at home. ❤️

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

Spare a thought for all the parents having to smash down a whole gnarly raw carrot about now as if an actual reindeer has been at it. 🥕

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Yes please Martyn Day

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

2 years

FUCKING YESSSSSS FUCKING YES YES YES YESSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUCKING GET IN #ENG #Lionesses 💋🫵🏻 🔥

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

REALLY BADLY MISREAD THAT

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Did you think you liked me? And that I seemed like an alright person? Like, sort of, quite a sound person? Who you’d happily sink a few pints with and/ or just respect? Then I’m so sorry to tell you but I’m making my own kimchi later.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Me getting in the bath near #mysexistbaby "Bad news Mummy, I just saw your tuppence and its got corona on it"

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

6 years

Don’t bother tweeting today. You won’t do better than this.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I’m wearing these in public. In real life. On purpose.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

#mysexistbaby "I'll dress myself, brush my teeth, wash myself, get my breakfast, tidy things away, I'll do all of that at Daddy's but not here. Here you will always have to do everything for me"

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I’m not very well and #mysexistbaby took my hand and kissed it, then said “you smell of bins”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

😂😂😂

Hayley Ellis

@Hayles_Ellis

4 years

Genuinely thought this was Paul Chuckle for a second.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

6 years

Dear man, dear all the men, you know that girl in the gym you want to give advice to? Instead, keep your fucking mouth shut. Please.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

OH BILL BAILEY IS THE BEST MAN IN THE WORLD. My heart just snapped off. #BBCStrictly

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Turns out almost everyone is almost always totally and utterly fucking winging it. Can’t work out if I’m more terrified or more reassured.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

#mysexistbaby “Captain Hook would be SO much better if he got his willy out all the time.” Me “What? We don’t want to see his willy!” Him “I do. I really do”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

My show has sold out today. YES PLEASE AND THANK YOU PLEASE. Monday nearly is too. So come on ALL the other days yeah? Yeaaaah. Thank you. Not used to this. It's really nice.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

Mum: look at that fuchsia tree Me: oh I like that, is that what I just bought? Mum: no, yours is a bush. Me: I think I prefer the trees to the bushes Mum: I thought you’d say the other way round. [chuckle chuckle] #MumsFirstBigGayJoke ! 🎉

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

5 years

I’ve had the best month of my life. Thanks if you came to my show, thanks @BarrelComedy , to all at @ebdonmgt & to all my brilliant women ❤️

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

3 years

Every single time you think a comedian has consciously decided to increase their social media output, they haven’t, they were just meant to be writing a sitcom.

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew

4 years

#mysexistbaby “god you smell of carrots” followed by, I shit you not... “Ugh. Women these days”

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Jessica Fostekew

@jessicafostekew