Emily in Paris is the product of a gay man’s imagination— she has no family, no interior, no vagina. She is a paper doll with clothes affixed to her known only by the name of the city she moved to— and in three seasons the biggest change in her personality is getting bangs.
maintaining the delicate insta story balance between being funny/irreverent while still making people jealous of your vacation is what you learn in liberal arts college
biden is my DADDY
warren is my MOMMY
bernie is my GRAMPY
kamala is my SIS
klobuchar is my STEP AUNT
kirsten is my EXES NEW GF
buttigieg is my CUCK HUSBAND
corey is my ONGOING GRINDR CONVO
tulsi is my FACEBOOK FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL
beto is my COLLEGE FRIEND WHO MAKES FURNITURE
my generation is different — we HEAR images, we TASTE space, we SEE ideas, we TOUCH screens, we SMELL ketamine, we BUY natural wines, we DONT work, we DO not work
amazing how AOC can flip everything her haters say into a message of empowerment whereas I internalize every single subtweet as about me and repeat it over and over in my head until it’s fully incorporated into my increasingly guarded and contemptible self identity
straight brooklyn couples think they invented parks as places to bring pasta salads to... but actually parks were invented by oscar wilde in 1895 for gay sex before straight brooklyn couples were even a concept ... educate yourself!
him: me:
also me: h-
me to me: same
mood: h- goals: mood
*me: when u*
me: me: *me* them:
him: m- me: me- also me:
me: me *says also me once*
she: h- *says h-*
also she: they: *he*
My boyfriend and I did everything right. We stopped having sex two years ago. We watched tiger king on netflix. We made sourdough bread. We don’t have any friends. And we still don’t have coronavirus. Here’s what we learned:
♺ 𝟣𝟤𝟥,𝟦𝟫𝟥 ♡ 𝟦𝟧𝟢,𝟥𝟣𝟢
queer eye as cities
ANTONI = SEATTLE (pale/depressed/corporate/coffee)
JVN = CHICAGO (cornfed desp 2 be chic/problematic politics but nice)
KARAMO = TORONTO (ppl insist its cool/heard good things abt)
BOBBY = DENVER (white ppl build stuff)
TAN = SAN DIEGO (clean/almost cultural)
it’s cheaper to move to a mid-tier city, get a job in pharmaceutical sales, marry your high school sweetheart, buy a crossover SUV, and raise a family than it is to step outside ur apartment in new york city
the art world is essentially a global babysitting network for twenty-something alcoholics who haven't realized they're in their 30s, romanticized by gay travel bloggers (magazine editors) and funded by cool-hunting daughters of arms dealers
Klobmob it's time to rise and SHINE. Drop the boys off at school, turn up the lizzo, grab a twelve pack of apple crumb muffins at costco, squad up with your HOA sisters, drive separately to your local polling place, don't tell anyone who you voted for, and then head to zumba.
me: so what are we?
my ex: exes
me: right...and that means?
my ex: that we're not dating...
me: got it...
my ex: yep...
me: so we're not dating?
my ex: nope
me: ok well all i'm saying is we should figure out our thanksgiving plans...tickets are getting expensive
can't wait for the A24 Cinematic Universe where the Euphoria girls team up with Chiron from Moonlight to battle the Midsommar cult and Charlie from Hereditary
we need to abolish the electoral college, give D.C. and P.R. statehood, conjoin north and south carolina/dakota, cede wyoming to kanye, give alaska back to russia, texas back to Mexico, divide California into multiple states (khloe, kim, kourtney), and elect senators from tiktok.
the sound of our time is the ear-splitting clang of a ballistic-grade water bottle knocked over by the careless limb of a mindful girl in a silent yoga studio
feel like couples have been like can you please get tested, abstain from sex, buy a car, get a dog, and move to a less dense neighborhood before we meet up? ...we’re flying to Dave’s sister’s grandmother’s 90th bday the day after we see you and we just want you to be responsible
going as Lena Dunham in a casket being driven through the NYC pride parade with a plaque that reads “she wasn’t for everyone, but she *was* for us” for halloween
I don’t dislike elizabeth warren she just seems to have questionable political instincts which is why I’m the senior senator from massachusetts and she’s a 32-year old twitter gay with a wellbutrin prescription and a few well-lit nudes to her name
There was absolutely NO line to vote at my polling place. I just walked in and paid the $20 voter fee to the poll officer and then dropped my sealed ballot in the blue bin with the ♻️ democracy symbol on it. It was almost too easy.
is it hot when I talk about:
my ex
crossfit
therapy
dating apps
being on prep
what I ate today
my swollen eyelid
my trichotillomania
being on wellbutrin
weed making me anxious
being lonely in my apartment
how bushwick has changed
that one time I was sober
getting fisted once
?