Eric Schwartau @ericschmerick Twitter profile

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

“when this is all over”... babe nothing ends anymore

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

life comes at you fast

Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

7 years

would love to see a throuple featured on house hunters and watch them joke about needing a triple vanity in the en suite

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

8 years

🎼 can i speak to your managerrr🎤🎼

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

"this land is your land, this land is my land from Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza, straight to LA, New York, Vegas to Africa" 🎶

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

what have we become

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

thank you to our frontline nurses and healthcare workers!

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

Emily in Paris is the product of a gay man’s imagination— she has no family, no interior, no vagina. She is a paper doll with clothes affixed to her known only by the name of the city she moved to— and in three seasons the biggest change in her personality is getting bangs.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

these capitol police acting reallll defunded rn

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

I can’t do this again

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

10 months

Joseph and Mary would have gladly taken your Dec 22-28 sublet

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

now THIS is gay mainstream... the male lead doesn't even have a name

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

we’re going to lose some really cute “short kings” to rising sea levels 😢

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

no one: canned wine: ________ [ ] | | | 👁👁| | 👃🏼 | | 👄 | | | | | \ _______ /

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

you don’t have adhd you have a phone

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

if I were julia fox’s friend I would nominate her for queer eye

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

maintaining the delicate insta story balance between being funny/irreverent while still making people jealous of your vacation is what you learn in liberal arts college

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

just wow — this coffee shop in brooklyn is the first in the world to install anti-freelancer spikes at their tables 👨🏻‍💻🚫

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

biden is my DADDY warren is my MOMMY bernie is my GRAMPY kamala is my SIS klobuchar is my STEP AUNT kirsten is my EXES NEW GF buttigieg is my CUCK HUSBAND corey is my ONGOING GRINDR CONVO tulsi is my FACEBOOK FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL beto is my COLLEGE FRIEND WHO MAKES FURNITURE

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

my generation is different — we HEAR images, we TASTE space, we SEE ideas, we TOUCH screens, we SMELL ketamine, we BUY natural wines, we DONT work, we DO not work

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

the urban outfitters on 14th and 6th closed... end of an era

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

8 years

Ban gay clubs and muslims and orlando and men and dancing so this never happens again --not assault rifles though we need those

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

7 years

would love to see a throuple featured on house hunters and watch them joke about needing a triple vanity in the en suite

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

my song to my ex would be called thank u, see u next week

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

amazing how AOC can flip everything her haters say into a message of empowerment whereas I internalize every single subtweet as about me and repeat it over and over in my head until it’s fully incorporated into my increasingly guarded and contemptible self identity

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

straight brooklyn couples think they invented parks as places to bring pasta salads to... but actually parks were invented by oscar wilde in 1895 for gay sex before straight brooklyn couples were even a concept ... educate yourself!

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

7 months

After the earthquake I couldn’t help but wonder…

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

grindr on my iPad definitely feels more productive—like I’m a casting director or talent scout etc...

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

1 year

a group of gay guys is called an noying

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

i WANT sex but i NEED therapy

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

7 years

him: me: also me: h- me to me: same mood: h- goals: mood *me: when u* me: me: *me* them: him: m- me: me- also me: me: me *says also me once* she: h- *says h-* also she: they: *he*

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

kind of irresponsible to get tested for covid at this point… you put so many people’s going out plans at risk

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

the people who took french instead of spanish in high school are really coming out of the woodwork today...

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

9 months

there should be a grammy category for best Lana song

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

when i say i'll send by EOD i mean End of Days

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

no one: natural wine: ° ☭ ˚ ˚ ° ⌜ ⌝ | | |˚ | / \ / ˚ °\ / °☭ \ | ° 👣˚ | | 🦠 ˚ | | °˚ ° | |°˚ ° 🦠 | |˚☭ ° ˚ | ∟🧫🧫˩

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

My boyfriend and I did everything right. We stopped having sex two years ago. We watched tiger king on netflix. We made sourdough bread. We don’t have any friends. And we still don’t have coronavirus. Here’s what we learned: ♺ 𝟣𝟤𝟥,𝟦𝟫𝟥 ♡ 𝟦𝟧𝟢,𝟥𝟣𝟢

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

November is the worst month — a dark and meaningless slog towards an inconveniently-located 4pm dinner on a random thursday

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

might be time to release poot buttigieg from her cage...

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

“my chosen family”... u mean whoever fits in the bathroom stall ?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

when u that fucked up couple across from me on the M train

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

queer eye as cities ANTONI = SEATTLE (pale/depressed/corporate/coffee) JVN = CHICAGO (cornfed desp 2 be chic/problematic politics but nice) KARAMO = TORONTO (ppl insist its cool/heard good things abt) BOBBY = DENVER (white ppl build stuff) TAN = SAN DIEGO (clean/almost cultural)

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

12 days

megalopolis is francis ford coppola’s This is me…now

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

wearing carhartt is almost like unionizing?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

this is che diaz

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

wish my parents house had a gay bar...

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

vegan leather... you mean plastic?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

it’s cheaper to move to a mid-tier city, get a job in pharmaceutical sales, marry your high school sweetheart, buy a crossover SUV, and raise a family than it is to step outside ur apartment in new york city

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

the art world is essentially a global babysitting network for twenty-something alcoholics who haven't realized they're in their 30s, romanticized by gay travel bloggers (magazine editors) and funded by cool-hunting daughters of arms dealers

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

I’m such an introvert… (don’t have a podcast)

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

my love language is annoying

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 months

the mta is renovating the 14th street station like an upstate couple who bought a fixer upper and are in over their heads

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

I’m hearing reports that women also have imaginations

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

Klobmob it's time to rise and SHINE. Drop the boys off at school, turn up the lizzo, grab a twelve pack of apple crumb muffins at costco, squad up with your HOA sisters, drive separately to your local polling place, don't tell anyone who you voted for, and then head to zumba.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

me: so what are we? my ex: exes me: right...and that means? my ex: that we're not dating... me: got it... my ex: yep... me: so we're not dating? my ex: nope me: ok well all i'm saying is we should figure out our thanksgiving plans...tickets are getting expensive

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

10 months

is now a good time to mention the empty Josh pop-up at art basel miami ?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

people who talk most about the surveillance state have five podcasts, three instas, two twitters, substack... babe NSA has you on mute 🤫

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

my entire twitter feed: ↺ ᴶᵘˢᵗⁱᶜᵉ ᶠᵒʳ ᴱᵖˢᵗᵉⁱⁿ 𝗠𝗲𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗼𝗻 @bussyjoose step it up fellas💅 ╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮ 𝐑𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐑𝐚𝐭 𝐂𝐮𝐦, 𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐲 𝐃𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 ╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

@yosoymichael it's better than i could have imagined

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

can't wait for the A24 Cinematic Universe where the Euphoria girls team up with Chiron from Moonlight to battle the Midsommar cult and Charlie from Hereditary

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

hope they run out of greek letters soon and start naming variants after selling sunset girls... "here's what we know about Chrishell"

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

weed is a gateway drug to picking furniture up off the street

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

we need to abolish the electoral college, give D.C. and P.R. statehood, conjoin north and south carolina/dakota, cede wyoming to kanye, give alaska back to russia, texas back to Mexico, divide California into multiple states (khloe, kim, kourtney), and elect senators from tiktok.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

7 years

while you were out PARTYING last night I was in READING tweets about the tax bill

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

@rossleonardy @g0ld3nretriever

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

"may the odds be ever in your favor"

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

9 months

the sound of our time is the ear-splitting clang of a ballistic-grade water bottle knocked over by the careless limb of a mindful girl in a silent yoga studio

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

🙌

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

this looks like an AI prompt for straight john waters

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

@MemeParticipant if we read it as satire then yes

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

spoiler alert*

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

Santa paid $0 in income taxes last year. Let that sink in.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

feel like couples have been like can you please get tested, abstain from sex, buy a car, get a dog, and move to a less dense neighborhood before we meet up? ...we’re flying to Dave’s sister’s grandmother’s 90th bday the day after we see you and we just want you to be responsible

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

artists updating their website CVs like: 𝐆𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 2020 New York State Department of Labor Fellowship, New York City, NY, 𝘊𝘈𝘙𝘌𝘚 𝘈𝘤𝘵

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

8 months

my theory is that Kate Middleton is a contestant on the next season of drag race uk and can’t post because they’re filming

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

a chromatica remix paired with ketamine legs is going to shatter a millennial gay’s hollow-boned truvada hip this weekend…

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

ben mora should get paid for that daily beast article he wrote most of the material

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

“It’s important to still do your morning routine as if you were commuting into the office...”

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

artists use a different colored heart emoji and think they’re marcel duchamp

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

going as Lena Dunham in a casket being driven through the NYC pride parade with a plaque that reads “she wasn’t for everyone, but she *was* for us” for halloween

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

the doctors told me i would never speak french again...well bonjour bitch

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

this is taking your dog out at 1am when you get back from the party chic

Kim

@TheKimbino

3 years

Choices. Options.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

me when I’m in a tube dress and heels lying curled up in the bathtub next to my phone with the shower curtain drawn and my hand over my mouth

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

6 years

cynthia nixon is shutting down the L train for a year to add the letters GBTQ to all the signage

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

new york is like middle school — no one drives and everyone's on hormones

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

the f-slur is “from boston”

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

sharing bail fund links is not virtue signaling its fundraising

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

2 years

m3gan is a warning about women in stem

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

I don’t dislike elizabeth warren she just seems to have questionable political instincts which is why I’m the senior senator from massachusetts and she’s a 32-year old twitter gay with a wellbutrin prescription and a few well-lit nudes to her name

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

3 years

@rosadona cinderblocked

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

4 years

There was absolutely NO line to vote at my polling place. I just walked in and paid the $20 voter fee to the poll officer and then dropped my sealed ballot in the blue bin with the ♻️ democracy symbol on it. It was almost too easy.

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

should you go to grad school or get a therapist, take a ceramics class, and read a good book?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

is it hot when I talk about: my ex crossfit therapy dating apps being on prep what I ate today my swollen eyelid my trichotillomania being on wellbutrin weed making me anxious being lonely in my apartment how bushwick has changed that one time I was sober getting fisted once ?

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick

5 years

I like to drink cold brew until I’m in an imaginary fight with everyone I’ve ever met

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Eric Schwartau

@ericschmerick