hanny @dorkusmalorkus_ Twitter profile

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

my dad has been speaking to a royalist in his street and when my dad said we should get rid of the monarchy this bloke said "who would you have in charge instead... a load of transgenders?" and im obsessed with the idea that you can either have a king or a council of trans people

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 years

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

22 days

you know when people post 'funny' stuff about going to therapy and their therapist asking them to explain who charli xcx is or whatever i am always like "you are getting played. they are running down the clock. this is a game and you are losing"

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

Dune 2 reportedly going to "just be about the worms". Denis Villeneuve is reportedly "wormpilled" and has fired all of the human cast.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

22 days

you either do not need to be there or you do need to be there but you are letting the therapist expertly maneuver not having to deal with your shit today. play this offensively. your parents split up when you were 4. you are scared of balloons. you want to die.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 months

feels terrible trying to arrange something for your birthday doesn't it. snivelling. 'pretty please hang out with me for my personal special day 🥺 im 32 btw'. horrible. great when other people invite me to the pub for their birthdays though.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

[ally voice] i would swap king charles iii for a load of transgenders in a heartbeat

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

how can wilko be going under when i buy so many bits. where is the money from my bits going.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

25 days

wasn't going to vote for the labour party but then a bunch of smug centrists told me to hold my nose and abandon my beliefs in a way they personally refused to do when someone vaguely left wing was party leader so i guess i have to now

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

even nigella is out here "no worries if not"ing.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

some of you may remember that me and some pals went and buried some butter in a bog. today we retrieved it. it tasted extremely Ripe.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

21 days

to everyone who is sincerely replying to my flippant post about an annoying type of post online: sorry for party rocking

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

HELLO THERE THE ANGEL FROM MY NIGHTMARE

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

fuck. the cover of this 70s non fiction book about gambling goes much harder, and is way more metal than it needs to be.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

you have $5 to build the perfect cat $1 greedy $1 screaming $1 biting you for no reason $1 kneading your bare skin with hell claws $1 mow mow mow

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

5 years

holy fuck look at this whatsapp screenshot proving the queen is dead

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

@sivomengro two forms of government: monarchy and relationship anarchy

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

what personal little 'jokes' do you have? my flatmate likes to say 'it's the next right here' whenever we're driving home as if im a taxi driver. i like to act scandalised and say 'somebody is hotboxing the park!' whenever i smell weed outside.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

if you ever would like to preserve some food in an insane way i cannot recommend the peatlands of the north pennines more. alternately if i have acquired a bog illness and die soon then at least i died doing what i loved (doing stupid things).

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

bruce springsteen is literally timeless because he speaks to everyone who is both horny and also losing their job

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

i think that alcohol is bad and the british relationship to alcohol is also bad but the minute i see an american saying that it is bad my brain smoothly changes track and im ready to defend having 10 pints on a thursday night with my life.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

@misterbloat hahahaha this is rank.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

where do you even buy certain bits but wilko. they have cornered the bits market. how can they not be billions in profit.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

anyway i think the agreed tasting notes were 'boggy', 'smoky' and 'pissy'. if anyone in the tyneside area wants some then be my guest.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

20 days

cannot wait to queen out with my therapist about the response to these posts 👍

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

obviously grimes is cringe but unfortunately she has big tunes and we cant ignore that. nothing has changed. this is the way of the world.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

as someone who had an arguably working class upbringi[i slip on a pile of £500 notes and crack my head on the marble bust of my grandfather, Sir Henry Colonialism]

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

thinking about these cunts... horrible

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

this really took off which is very funny anyway here's a bonus picture of the butter washed off where it looks kind of normal until you realise it pure reeks

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

@TheEggpie mate it had been in the ground for 6 month whats a bit of grass for a few seconds gonna do

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 months

it is absolutely forbidden for a Fat Controller to be too thin

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

@deNilesCrane correct. nobody ever accounts for the bobs.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

i also love to say 'thanks, i made it' whenever someone compliments an item of clothing im wearing. i have never made an item of clothing in my life.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

22 days

@unintrstngcritt i am fairly ambivalent about therapy but you better believe i always get my money's worth when i am there. i am not paying to talk about my hobbies or do any stupid breathing. i am min maxxing therapy.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

i cannot stress how much the butter smelled like the bog. this was what it was buried in. (credit to @m_jhnstn for this minging video)

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

men love to 'eat breakfast'. oh going to have a bowl of porridge are you? a piece of toast? a little egg? embarrassing.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

33 years old

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

stupid fucking cunts having house sessions and pure fash street parties and i was allowed 8 people at my mams funeral and haven't seen any of my family since. get fucked.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

it's very weird for me, a person with an upcoming adhd assessment who still feels like a fraud for going to it, to see the 'everyone thinks they have adhd and they dont' take. like if diagnosis or self diagnosis helps you find things that help you Live surely that's... cool?

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 months

just been to vote and they couldn't accept my government ID (official)? this country has gone to the dogs.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

remember, if you ever get a survey about a customer service call/webchat you've had, the score you give can absolutely fuck someone in a call centres stats for that month

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 years

i rage about capitalism but the truth is that i have in my life bought things. i am sorry to anyone who trusted me.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

i hate the smurfs so much. especially the racist singer, Morrissey.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

really love this review of the tip

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

cyprus was a bop and should have won over settler kawaii bjork

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

as a working class woman [wads of cash fall out of my purse], i think [i trip over my private school yearbook] we should stop thinking of class as a cultural or financial thing [i bang my head on the chandelier in my house i own outright] and instead make it based on vibes only

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

25 days

@choco__leibniz thanks choco leibniz. you're one of my top biscuits by the way.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

i was an incredibly online very weird teenager with not that many friends and no romantic prospects but i just spent my time illegally downloading 00s american indie rock instead of becoming a nazi. it's very easy. they should do that these days instead.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

does anyone else ever get really mad like furious about how much american shit we are forced to know just by being alive in the world. why should i know about 'college football'.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

you heard them, shut the fuck up

Miffy

@Miffy_UK

4 years

Everyone be quiet, Miffy is drawing a picture!

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 years

how come all vape shops look like theyre from the sims hot date

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

all vegan options should have the option of regular cheese. vegetarians exist. we are horrible little halfers with a heavy burden (we know too much to pretend that 'cheeze' is acceptable)

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 months

oh i was going to not vote because i hate the labour party but actually now I've learned that following research, you were delighted to learn that your great-grandfather was a butcher in Gateshead in the 1860's, i've changed my mind!

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

girls do podcasts called 'wine crime' where they pretend to be drunk, call serial killers hot and appropriate aave. boys do podcasts called 'the penis cheney experience' where they talk about aocs feet and use an air horn sound effect 'ironically'. they both should be banned.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

to be fair this is a very funny thing to say whilst literally at war

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

of course america has better mexican food. like we have alright indian food and the dutch have pretty decent indonesian food. it just depends on where you have been evil in the past and also present.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 months

when someone is an independent it would have independent (good) or independent (racist?) next to their name on the ballot paper so i know who to vote for when im avoiding labour

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

5 years

i love to go to the shops

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

5 months

i thought that there was a barber shop in gateshead which was called le barber shop because someone was trying to be french and fancy but it's actually called le barber shop because it's run by a man called mr le, who is in love

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

cats: urgh, a clean fresh bowl of water. i don't drink water. i laugh in the face of thirst. also cats: slimy puddle water is delicious btw after im finished slurping it down, im gonna stick my entire head into the glass beside yr bed to get the last few drops of sweet stale h2o

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

who has 23 best pals. who even has 23 pals.

ross

@RossAle71605696

6 years

Ibiza with 23 of your best pals tell me something better man 😎🤙

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

women don't get properly lonely because they're constantly bitching with their harpy friends and being pursued by a large crowd of men [sees a moderately weird woman] what the hell is that

Loopy

@strangestloop

1 year

one gender gulf i think about a lot is how women cannot know the depths that male loneliness can reach. no crying and no victims here just sharing a perspective

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

@tombomp buttering up my trans friends so i can be the only cis person allowed in court. maybe as some sort of jester.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 months

i do want your cishet bf in a queer space. i want to talk about rome total war.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

horrible bullshit, completely and disingenuously painting trans exclusionary feminists as the 'victims' & implying that cis men are leading the fight for trans rights as an attack on cis women

The Guardian

@guardian

6 years

Don’t you just love it when a man explains to you what it means to be a woman?

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

my friend has just posted this picture of her dog in the group chat and im crying laughing.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

man and woman - alex katz (1960) is just a picture of lana del rey and her cop boyfriend

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

just heard a posh woman saying "it's surprisingly nice, but im sure as soon as you leave the city centre it will be AWFULLY grotty" and i would like to say,, thank you,, to our Tory overlords and the great exhibition of the north for bringing this wonderful tourism to the area

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

the shower in my hotel is a frog with an incredibly peachy butt. who do i call about this.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

11 months

@folkheron proper laughed at this hahahah

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

25 days

@Pibasedlifeform well im not talking about you then am i. im talking about the hypocrites that are doing what i actually posted about 👍

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 years

pls sir more dreamy

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

21 days

@Azure_April being factitious online is a therapyable offence now. please report directly to your nearest therapy office to talk to them about kpop so you can post about it online later.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

11 months

i got halfway through the application for one of those pocket money debit cards for bairns to earn points on a cash back site and then got scared i was doing fraud and quit out of it and anyway they still delivered the card for my imaginary son

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

you have $5 to build the perfect cat $200 quiet baby $1000 will not maul u/eat the hair from your scalp $1 screm at u all day every day $2 wants 2 go outside but doesnt but does $2 farts whilst sittin on your lap $3000 understands 'mealtimes' and cat nutritional requirements

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

they should put a separate horn in the car for when something is good

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

do you count as an england supporter if you don't care about them but simultaneously never want lil jordy pickford to ever be sad in his life

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

fb marketplace is pure wild west.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

hi mate. i looked on the gay map and there was a big purple dot on your dad's house. just thought you should know.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

its good to decide that you won't be talking about big things that you know you know fuck all about. it's fine to do that. i hope everyone is ok.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

25 days

@berry_davi59140 dont blame people like yourself who think this way. i just dont wish to vote for a candidate representing a party which will enact real harm on people i love via continuation of draconian benefits policies and transphobia etc. live in a safe seat too so dw it wont impact anything

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

i was gonna buy these sausages and then didn't. zero tolerance approach to this shit.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

@freelancelizard exactly!!!! i find wilkos to be a comforting experience and always reliable when i need Misc. Items whereas other shops are too hit and miss. i need to compose myself.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 months

@ted_pen > RUN SOUTH

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

2 years

british brain is when you believe people should freeze to death in their homes because you and all of the other over 50s are experiencing a collective delusion that you fought in world war one

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 months

i will respect you far more if you straight up say 'i wouldn't send my precious child to a school full of grubby normals because im a snob' but the second you say 'oh my kid was too smart for regular school so i had to work a second shift in the financial fraud factory' it's over

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

hmrc still think my middle name is united kingdom i wrote them a letter fucking years ago im fucking fed up

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

fucked up that they keep telling us that mr mime is a pokemon and not just some guy. he wears shoes. are you telling me a pokemon wakes up and puts shoes on every day? that's a man!

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

5 months

@discoscooby my fave thing is that he's always like 'uhh yeah.... my dad left notes about this so it's canon... no you can't see them'. scam kinggg.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

7 years

im sure the queen (who perished in late 2016) would be happy to welcome harry's lass into their family. unfortunately she ('she' being the queen, who isn't alive) won't be able to, because as i have mentioned once or twice before, she is dead

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

remember

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

RT if you too have been celibate since JLS condoms ceased being available

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

3 years

if we fave each others posts occassionally please know that i would absolutely rely on you to be my friend if i moved to your city. id be really creepy about it. constantly askin if you wanna go for a pint etc. awful.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

putting out feelers, does anyone in the north east (ideally) know anyone nice who would be looking to adopt two wee cat pals? they are dead lush and friendly

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

1 year

people say people in london aren't friendly however if you are skilled you can have an insane chat with a stranger anywhere. skill issue.

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

give everyone a 10/10, say they've solved your query first time even if they haven't. if you're well fucked off, take it out on the highest paid person you can get a hold of - cos lets face it, the normal call centre drones cannit do anything extreme to help you anyway

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

4 years

going to watch that lucy and yak insta video and seeing its 15 mins long

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hanny

@dorkusmalorkus_

6 years

just passed my driving test didn't i. go north east, stagecoach, arriva, your boys took one hell of a beating.

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