Brooke Breit @brookebreit Twitter profile

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

7 years

maybe it's the wine talking but hi my name is wine

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Last Seen Profiles

@Dr_Saeed_N

@BlightEmpire

@GulabDhakad3

@BurrisKelvin1

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@grupotecmared

Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 years

5 year old: wanna hear a serious one? Me: ok 5yo: knock knock Me: who’s there? 5yo: a very important boat Me: a very important boat who? 5yo (with a serious and clarifying tone): its a very important boat Set up included, this might be my favorite joke of all time

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

@ArielDumas Horses can’t throw up.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

oh damn I didn’t think he’d actually get indicted

I think you should leave turbo team

@ITYSL

1 year

BREAKING: Bart Harley Jarvis Indicted

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 years

Lunchables are charcuterie for children.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

9yo: I love Calvin & Hobbies me: it’s Calvin & Hobbes 9yo: really? Can I say the d word? me: yes? 9yo: I’ll be damned

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

@MarlaCaceres I’ve been in shows like this.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

@chelseaperetti once i went under a table to find a lego, and just stayed there

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

In case anyone was looking for a new catchphrase, my 6 year old triumphantly yelled “BIG GIRLS EAT BIG BEANS” at dinner tonight (then she kissed her biceps)

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 years

just found out the 2nd season of Atlanta is now on Hulu and this year is already looking PRETTY GOOD

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

@chrissyteigen made with very thin-skinned tomatoes

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

The 3 year old is already planning pranks for my husband for (as she calls it) “April Pranks Day”. Ideas so far: -tell him we made lunch but we didn’t -give him a box with fake shoes -replace our car with a pizza

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

True highlight from the day was when a second grader straight up ripped his loose tooth out of his mouth and the class went nuts. Virtual learning is WILD.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

@kibblesmith The annual surprise cob audit is just as important as the green river

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

@Kyle_MacLachlan “I thought I was off camera” - me explaining my face in every zoom meeting

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

one million percent thought my hotel had a complimentary top hat in the closet (it’s an ice bucket)

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

the 5 year old: What if vampires put a little bandaid on your neck after they bit you? That’d be nice.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Hey parents. Treat yourself today! When you crawl on the floor under the table to retrieve a Lego, stay under there for an extra couple of seconds. You’ve earned it!

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

@amybethsol Honestly, it’s the skyline I know best at this point

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

9 years

The Deadliest Snatch #NSFWShows @midnight

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

My 9yo was assigned his Chicago landmark school project this week and randomly got The Second City Which is incredible because I performed on the resident stage a month after giving birth to him And I have a baby picture of him backstage holding a sign that says “you suck”

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Gave my kid a banana. How she chose to eat it is truly...bananas.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

I don’t have the range

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

A neighbor of mine saw the commercial I’m in right now and asked if I had won a contest or something and I was like, yeah man, you know what, that’s truly an accurate description of how that works.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

@niccolethurman Thank for this unhelpful interaction, button. Let me know when you need some not help.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

@wtflanksteak The architecture of the crudite is HAPHAZARD. Also, if you run out of carrots, are you dunking that ICE?!

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

@JustinMcElroy And kiddo, there’s two things I know about Jimmy Jimmerino… 1. Raging addiction to internet poker 2. Loves being sat on

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Read an article about a community theatre production of Mamma Mia that resulted in over 20 cast and crew getting Covid and thought, here we go again

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

7 year old: you wanna know the most legendary meat? me: sure 7yo: Bigfoot meat. People don’t know if he exists. But if there’s a Bigfoot, there’s gotta be the meat.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 years

2 year old: can I whisper something in your ear? me: sure. [she gets close and puts her hand up to my ear] 2 yo: (whispers) I wish I could poop on the ceiling.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

my almost 8 year old just told he wants "shakespeare is boring" written on his birthday cake he might be joking but jokes on him because i'm doing it

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

TSA PRECHECK

Susan Messing

@MessingSusan

4 years

Your most stupid purchase of 2020:

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 months

holy cannoli congrats you idiots

Deadline

@DEADLINE

6 months

EXCLUSIVE: Hello From The Magic Tavern, the hit comedy fantasy podcast, is being turned into an animated series. Sam Rockwell and Mark Berger’s Play Hooky Productions and Starburns Industries are developing the podcast in cartoon form

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

trying to calm my anxiety about everything so far the one thing helping is thinking about when my kid was in first grade, he accidentally shouted “see ya, fuckers” to a room of kids and simultaneously was in trouble and also king of the children

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

6 years

YEAH YEAH! 👻

Gray Talent Group

@GrayTalentGroup

6 years

Brooke Breit booked a role on Showtime's Shameless!

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Today was not great. Everyone has had a lot of not great days, but this one was a rough one for me. As my mom said “today, I am just existing.” Sending love to anyone else who is just existing today 💙

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

To the teenage girl on this train wearing a second city t-shirt and holding a dvd box set of Seinfeld...YOU ARE SEEN. ❤️

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

The greatest thing I own is this light that makes the toilet look evil

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

5yo: you didn't know I was going to be such a good singer when I was born me: I sure didn't 5yo: otherwise you would've named me Melanie Lyrics me: ... 5yo: it's ok, you didn't know

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

Watching @ChilledChaos and friends play Roomerang last night was a damn joy. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Thank you for showing off our games so incredibly well! #justice4Jussica

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

The 7 year old woke me up this morning by getting directly in my face and whispering, “dad let me look at your ice cream cake yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it”.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

10 years

Warren G and Peace #HipHopBooks @midnight

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

I’m giving out full size at my house this year FULL SIZE DISAPPOINTMENTS

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

i scream, you scream, we all scream because we're cicadas

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

@waltien I’m so mad because I can hear your shit eating grin

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

me: hey, because you started playing trombone, your uncle said he might pick up the trumpet again 9yo: the trumpet? You mean the coward’s trombone? me: oh damn

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

My husband and I enjoy having passionate conversations about old Chicago improv drama until our kids ask if we are ok with genuine concern

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

Life is too fucking short. For anyone going through it right now, I love you so much.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Money spent on improv training are bit coins

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

The person who created and stars in this show is one of the most wonderful, brilliant, funny and kind people I know. I can’t wait.

SHOWTIME

@Showtime

5 years

We're rooting for Abby already! After The L Word, you'll want to stick around for Work in Progress @WiP_SHO , premiering December 8.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

I asked my 3yo why she wasn’t asleep yet and she said, “my brain’s causing mischief”. Same, dude. Same.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Some things that have been on my mind: 1. The people you view as successful or having “made it” still struggle. Everyone struggles. 2. Your wins will not come when you expect them or want them to. They aren’t on your schedule 3. Please don’t live life by twitter lists.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

IT IS GARBAGE OUTSIDE BUT ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I RAN OUT OF FUCKS TO GIVE.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Recently in an audition, I was asked what I would do if I was a man for a day. Felt good about my answer of “not move out of the way of people on the sidewalk”. Did not get a callback 💃🏻

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

“Sometimes, if you are too strong, you just can’t wear a shirt” my 7 year old after seeing @terrycrews on LEGO Masters

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

"I'm so sad we never saw it before, but I am so glad I have finally seen it because it is so beautiful." - my 5 year old talking about a grocery store display in the liquor section that featured a skeleton bartender in a tiki bar

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

This was so much stupid fun to record. I hope you enjoy it!

Arnie Niekamp

@misterarnie

3 years

On today’s new @MagicTavern ep, @brookebreit returns as one of our favorite and most-feared guests, Flower the talking flower. Only this time she’s moved to the big city to follow her dreams.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

Cameos, but it’s your old teachers saying they are proud of you

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

My 8 year just heard the phrase “shut your pie hole” on a tv show and he remarked, “it’s weird that they said pie instead of butt”

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

What was your dream home as a kid? This was mine (and still is):

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

As a mother, you never want to walk into your kid’s bedroom and discover an casual interest in magic

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Made my husband watch this before going to bed and he told me he thought marriage was based on trust and why would I show him this.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Last time I farted in an elevator I told everyone it was just soup for my family.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

10 years

Warhol & Oates #LesserKnownArtists @midnight

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

PLEASE STOP DABBING AND GET IN THE BATH is something that was said multiple times in our house today.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

6 year old: mom, [neighbor kid] is being very rude. Me: what did he say to you. 6 yo: he said I have bad catchphrases. ... Me: take the note.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

sounds like they found...counting crows

Nerdist

@nerdist

3 years

Scientists say they've found evidence crows are able to understand the concept of zero.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

7 months

@ChilledChaos Honestly, I love the idea of you turning one on and quietly saying “just like the astronauts”

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

My heart is full after last nights @MagicTavern live show. What an incredible community. The room felt absolutely electric. And I’m just grateful to have such kind and talented friends that have included me in their ridiculous world. Merry Chris Must you dummies.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

I’ve been there a few years now, but I think it’s the first time I’ve ever had a business card, and she’s very pretty 💙

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

just watched my kid do absolutely nothing during the allotted preschool art time and then completely throw something together at the last second and justify her bullshit lego thing to the teacher and get highly praised it's hard to watch a smaller version of yourself in action

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

Asked my mom to name the ninja turtles She said, “Romeo, Luigi, Casper and Sebastian” I have died

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

Hello friends. My dreams came true and @robcesternino @stephenfishbach @gabbypascuzzi @chubicki @bechtoldya @EvvieJagoda @BriceIzyah and @PEIHGEE played the game I directed for @jackboxgames Here’s the replay in all of its beautiful glory 🔥

RHAP Previews Jackbox's Roomerang

Join Rob Cesternino and fan favorite Survivor players as they preview Jackbox's brand new Reality TV Based Game- Roomerang!#jackbox #roomerang #survivor

www.youtube.com

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

I’m laying next to my kid as he falls asleep. He’s been quiet for about 15 minutes when he quietly whispers...”mom”. I whisper, “what?” Then he farts. And then immediately falls asleep. I guess I’m just mad that I’ll never do anything as funny as that.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

my kid has started saying "fun fact" before telling me something, and honestly only about 50% of them are fun and maybe 25% are facts

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

You know you’re a comedy parent when your kid sees something funny on tv, doesn’t laugh but says “oh yeah, that’s a good bit”’

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

ok, my kid's virtual preschool teacher took a list of questions from the kids to a construction worker that was working across the street from the school and recorded Gary the construction worker kindly answering all of the questions. This is the best. Thank you Gary.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

6 year old: why are u wearing that shirt? Me: I guess because... 6 yo: because you wanted to FART???? It was really hard to get called out so hard on my shit. Accepting thoughts and prayers at this time.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

My kids have started saying “time to add some spice!” before farting, so farts are hereby “the spice”

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

one of my favorite interactions at PAX this weekend was a @MagicTavern fan telling me that I did not look at all like they were expecting and then turning to @MisterSniffen and telling him that he looked exactly like they were expecting

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

new family member ❤️ spoiler alert: he’s a very good boy

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

His project is going to be an oral history of who is cool and who was kind of tough to work with from 2007-2015

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

My mom sent me a cassette tape recording from her brother, who died in the Vietnam War. He recorded it while over there and is singing a song making fun of her. This is the first time I’ve ever heard his voice. It’s nice to cry about something new today ❤️

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Questions the 3 year old has asked me at bedtime this week: Are bears real? Are numbers real? When I was a baby, did I pee inside you?

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

True Story: The eighth grader that lives next door just texted me to ask if she could enter her hedgehog in the neighborhood dog pageant tomorrow.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

Do Re Mi Fa Sol La Ti Do Ri Tos Lo Cos Ta Cos

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Offered my seat on a crowded train to a mom with a stroller and she said thanks then GAVE THE SEAT TO HER HUSBAND WHO TOOK IT AND NOW SHE AND I ARE STANDING AND WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

Please be patient with me today. My child pulled out a surprise British accent during the school play this morning, and none of us have fully recovered.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Someone on Chopped made a sloppy jo/bahn mi sandwich but called it a Sloppy Mi and not a BAHN JO and honestly I’m furious

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Celebrate when you accidentally match the carpet.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

1 year

ITS MY BIRTHDAY

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

2 years

I’m on Twitter for the bits, and I’m scared that if it collapses, I might start doing improv again

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Hey @thealux and @thecrackin Wanna start a bake club?

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

Told my mom I was considering bleaching some bottom pieces of hair and dying them pink and she said “please Brooke, not until after Christmas” So the question really is…do I ruin Christmas???

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

Damn. This was the year I was going to get my picture on the wall at iO.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

Waiting in an auditorium with a bunch of other parents while our kids go through some standardized testing. Just found out it might take up to 2 hours. Also there’s a microphone on the stage. Feels like a good opportunity to test out some hot bits?!?!

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

My kid just referred to tag team wrestling as “take turns” wrestling. I am now imagining wrestlers raising their hand and saying excuse me to get in the ring.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

3 years

When I told my kids they could start doing chores to earn an allowance, my youngest grabbed some socks and started performing a puppet show. Had to tell her that puppeteering is not a chore but a PASSION.

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

5 years

me: i have a pilot audition tomorrow my 7 year old: dude, but can u even fly a plane?

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Brooke Breit

@brookebreit

4 years

The 3 year old just looked at me and said “I need privacy, Brooke” so yeah, things are going great over here.

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