5 year old: wanna hear a serious one?
Me: ok
5yo: knock knock
Me: who’s there?
5yo: a very important boat
Me: a very important boat who?
5yo (with a serious and clarifying tone): its a very important boat
Set up included, this might be my favorite joke of all time
In case anyone was looking for a new catchphrase, my 6 year old triumphantly yelled “BIG GIRLS EAT BIG BEANS” at dinner tonight (then she kissed her biceps)
The 3 year old is already planning pranks for my husband for (as she calls it) “April Pranks Day”.
Ideas so far:
-tell him we made lunch but we didn’t
-give him a box with fake shoes
-replace our car with a pizza
True highlight from the day was when a second grader straight up ripped his loose tooth out of his mouth and the class went nuts. Virtual learning is WILD.
Hey parents. Treat yourself today! When you crawl on the floor under the table to retrieve a Lego, stay under there for an extra couple of seconds. You’ve earned it!
My 9yo was assigned his Chicago landmark school project this week and randomly got The Second City
Which is incredible because I performed on the resident stage a month after giving birth to him
And I have a baby picture of him backstage holding a sign that says “you suck”
A neighbor of mine saw the commercial I’m in right now and asked if I had won a contest or something and I was like, yeah man, you know what, that’s truly an accurate description of how that works.
7 year old: you wanna know the most legendary meat?
me: sure
7yo: Bigfoot meat. People don’t know if he exists. But if there’s a Bigfoot, there’s gotta be the meat.
2 year old: can I whisper something in your ear?
me: sure.
[she gets close and puts her hand up to my ear]
2 yo: (whispers) I wish I could poop on the ceiling.
EXCLUSIVE: Hello From The Magic Tavern, the hit comedy fantasy podcast, is being turned into an animated series.
Sam Rockwell and Mark Berger’s Play Hooky Productions and Starburns Industries are developing the podcast in cartoon form
trying to calm my anxiety about everything
so far the one thing helping is thinking about when my kid was in first grade, he accidentally shouted “see ya, fuckers” to a room of kids and simultaneously was in trouble and also king of the children
Today was not great. Everyone has had a lot of not great days, but this one was a rough one for me.
As my mom said “today, I am just existing.”
Sending love to anyone else who is just existing today 💙
5yo: you didn't know I was going to be such a good singer when I was born
me: I sure didn't
5yo: otherwise you would've named me Melanie Lyrics
me: ...
5yo: it's ok, you didn't know
Watching
@ChilledChaos
and friends play Roomerang last night was a damn joy. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Thank you for showing off our games so incredibly well!
#justice4Jussica
The 7 year old woke me up this morning by getting directly in my face and whispering, “dad let me look at your ice cream cake yesterday and I can’t stop thinking about it”.
me: hey, because you started playing trombone, your uncle said he might pick up the trumpet again
9yo: the trumpet? You mean the coward’s trombone?
me: oh damn
Some things that have been on my mind:
1. The people you view as successful or having “made it” still struggle. Everyone struggles.
2. Your wins will not come when you expect them or want them to. They aren’t on your schedule
3. Please don’t live life by twitter lists.
Recently in an audition, I was asked what I would do if I was a man for a day.
Felt good about my answer of “not move out of the way of people on the sidewalk”.
Did not get a callback 💃🏻
"I'm so sad we never saw it before, but I am so glad I have finally seen it because it is so beautiful."
- my 5 year old talking about a grocery store display in the liquor section that featured a skeleton bartender in a tiki bar
On today’s new
@MagicTavern
ep,
@brookebreit
returns as one of our favorite and most-feared guests, Flower the talking flower. Only this time she’s moved to the big city to follow her dreams.
My heart is full after last nights
@MagicTavern
live show. What an incredible community. The room felt absolutely electric. And I’m just grateful to have such kind and talented friends that have included me in their ridiculous world. Merry Chris Must you dummies.
just watched my kid do absolutely nothing during the allotted preschool art time and then completely throw something together at the last second and justify her bullshit lego thing to the teacher and get highly praised
it's hard to watch a smaller version of yourself in action
I’m laying next to my kid as he falls asleep. He’s been quiet for about 15 minutes when he quietly whispers...”mom”.
I whisper, “what?”
Then he farts.
And then immediately falls asleep.
I guess I’m just mad that I’ll never do anything as funny as that.
ok, my kid's virtual preschool teacher took a list of questions from the kids to a construction worker that was working across the street from the school and recorded Gary the construction worker kindly answering all of the questions.
This is the best.
Thank you Gary.
6 year old: why are u wearing that shirt?
Me: I guess because...
6 yo: because you wanted to FART????
It was really hard to get called out so hard on my shit. Accepting thoughts and prayers at this time.
one of my favorite interactions at PAX this weekend was a
@MagicTavern
fan telling me that I did not look at all like they were expecting and then turning to
@MisterSniffen
and telling him that he looked exactly like they were expecting
My mom sent me a cassette tape recording from her brother, who died in the Vietnam War. He recorded it while over there and is singing a song making fun of her.
This is the first time I’ve ever heard his voice.
It’s nice to cry about something new today ❤️
Offered my seat on a crowded train to a mom with a stroller and she said thanks then GAVE THE SEAT TO HER HUSBAND WHO TOOK IT AND NOW SHE AND I ARE STANDING AND WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please be patient with me today. My child pulled out a surprise British accent during the school play this morning, and none of us have fully recovered.
Told my mom I was considering bleaching some bottom pieces of hair and dying them pink and she said “please Brooke, not until after Christmas”
So the question really is…do I ruin Christmas???
Waiting in an auditorium with a bunch of other parents while our kids go through some standardized testing. Just found out it might take up to 2 hours.
Also there’s a microphone on the stage. Feels like a good opportunity to test out some hot bits?!?!
My kid just referred to tag team wrestling as “take turns” wrestling. I am now imagining wrestlers raising their hand and saying excuse me to get in the ring.
When I told my kids they could start doing chores to earn an allowance, my youngest grabbed some socks and started performing a puppet show. Had to tell her that puppeteering is not a chore but a PASSION.