Alex Kealy @alexkealy Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

why tech billionaires shouldn't watch Christopher Nolan movies

12

168

849

Last Seen Profiles

@hakurin_cos

@abl_info

@i_ibnuhairi

@uu_0921

@Succeed786

@Raphael_mus

@BNM__ASD

@shrt785578

@stwmaniax

@JongReall7115

@Gamez1Agustin

@shrt785578

@zorgkrant

@LizJohnson70953

@Hotelflora

@shrt785578

@brain_gomi_data

@DevinsDev

@alkitenge

@v4nkV3D6O0NWlQH

@PoloConcepts

@BinorRaja

@hutaoyou1

@KellyCl01884070

@mariani_jr

@bokeplokalmalam

@Jacqui_A16

@luminiux

@shrt785578

@BinorRaja

@bokeplokalmalam

@MohdObeed

@AustinFergus0n

@n8lenahan

@fca_coachrob

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

9 months

Barry Keoghan 2 in every 3 scenes in Saltburn

49

966

33K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

Julia Hartley-Brewer:

121

3K

29K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

when we're allowed back to gigs I cannot stress how crucial it is that bands play the hits

104

1K

27K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

Amazon Help

@AmazonHelp

4 years

@_chrisjones_ Thank you for that information. We apologize but upon reviewing your location you're in Northern Ireland. Rugby Autumn Nations Cup coverage is exclusively available to Prime members based in the UK. We don't have the rights to other territories. ^RS

1K

3K

19K

50

3K

23K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

44

1K

22K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

he's hidden the last 5 PCR tests in the UK in some randomly selected bars of chocolate

42

2K

19K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

"I once caused a currency crisis in my first week as Chancellor to test out my PhD thesis on the Great Recoinage of 1696."

31

2K

17K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

imagine having the confidence of catherine parr, to just marry someone when the established pattern so far was "divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded"

121

2K

17K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

🎵can i make it any more obvious

49

4K

16K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

Does feel sort of mad that a Prime Minister who wasn't even a full ranking cabinet minister at the time of the 2019 election & is 20 points behind in the polls just gets to cancel the country's largest infrastructure project, which his party's manifesto committed to completing

46

2K

16K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

🚨🚨BREAKING🚨🚨 En route back from Australia, Novak Djokovic has become lodged in the Suez Canal

63

1K

16K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

self-checkout machine: the meal deal be with you me: and also with you

77

1K

11K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

a james bond movie where the villain's origin story is that bond knocked over his fruit stand in the previous movie's chase scene

115

1K

11K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

2019: sorry i'm late, my train was delayed 2020: sorry i'm late, i fundamentally don't respect you enough to click a zoom link on time

50

971

11K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

luftwaffle (verb): to bang on about the second world war despite no experience or understanding of it

79

2K

10K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

i remember when the government said primary schools should stay open like it was yesterday

16

1K

7K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 months

I think Laura Kuenssberg's social media use is more damaging for the BBC's reputation than Gary Lineker's

Laura Kuenssberg

@bbclaurak

5 months

What's going on in the London Mayoral race? No votes have been counted yet, so hold on to your hats.. but it is clear tonight that the race is much much closer than some polls had suggested...

4K

190

615

27

484

7K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

9 months

Opening the Strava app to give Paul Mescal another kudos for his usual 11am Saturday 600metre run at 3:31/km pace

1

172

7K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

I've tutored A Level maths for the last 6 years* - if you know any kids from low income backgrounds now having to take the autumn exams as a result of OFQUAL mess, DM me and am happy to give advice and/or free tuition on zoom.

59

2K

7K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

keir starmer is in the pocket of big donkey

68

535

6K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

10 months

if we built a gaudy knock-off eye of sauron, people would finally visit sleepy hidden gem London

33

230

6K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

at least click "maybe attending", mate

23

1K

5K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

The Spectator

@spectator

3 years

‘As a fresher I wandered into Balliol JCR one day and found a shiny glamazon with naughty eyes holding court astride a table, a high-heeled boot resting on my brother Boris’s thigh’ ✍️ Rachel Johnson on Ghislaine Maxwell

431

100

174

3

380

5K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

christmas day. dad hands you a present. it certainly *feels* like AstraZeneca's ChAdOx1 nCoV-19 vaccine. heart pounding, you unwrap it. out falls the Moderna mRNA-1273 injection. the blood drains from your face. "just like you wanted!", says dad. you nod, fighting back the tears.

19

599

5K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

lockdown 1: "we'll meet again", unusually warm spring lockdown 3: vera lynn is dead, the sun sets at 2.23pm

1

379

5K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

labour mp: people died, resign you little binch boris: i can farf farf only repeat my most farf farf sincere apologies tory mp for plompington-on-rural-enclave: would the prime minister agree our newly renovated owl sanctuary is the nation's finest boris: yes i certainly would

16

469

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

really sad today to again see Scottish people just supporting whoever England's opponents are at an international tournament

171

271

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

hate when I'm at a dinner party making a vaguely pretentious point to my group of friends and then a Scandinavian auteur director slowly zooms in on the face of my partner who has begun to realise they no longer love me like they used to

17

269

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

the british government's changing coronavirus advice

11

673

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

11 months

Can Rishi Sunak go to California and become a tech thoughtfluencer like he clearly wants to, rather than holding Britiain in electoral paralysis for another year

Sam Coates Sky

@SamCoatesSky

11 months

PM Rishi Sunak says he’s “very excited” to be interviewing Elon Musk

303

23

146

13

204

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

Rishi Sunak's wife is above The Queen in The Sunday Times' Not Struggling List

47

793

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

🚨🚨 BREAKING 🚨🚨 Novak Djokovic has bought another code for a further 40 minute session on Melbourne airport's WiFi

17

158

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

8 months

every time Labour ditches transformative policies to revive a broken economy

Guardian politics

@GdnPolitics

8 months

Labour ditches radical reforms as it prepares ‘bombproof’ election manifesto

78

13

22

7

306

4K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

West Indies 245; Man City 5

Tim Montgomerie 🇬🇧

@montie

7 years

Theresa May 42.3%; Angela Merkel 32.5%

279

570

966

34

1K

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

back to the future reboot but it's marty intermittently looking at this picture with faces vanishing as they are cancelled

23

365

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

he protec, he attac, but most importantly

9

330

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

Uber: you're threatening 40,000 jobs!!! Also Uber: *invests $300million in self-driving technology*

74

1K

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

this pandemic has made me realise that previously many times i claimed to be "at the end of my tether" i was in fact somewhere around the middle of my tether

17

713

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

me: i am having lung surgery geronimo: i know, i love you *after surgery when i wake up with only my family there* me: where is geronimo? my family: you don't know who gave you the lung??? me: what? *starts crying because i now have TB*

26

187

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

4

652

3K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

tory brexit, horrible: - ends Freedom of Movement - erects trade barriers - goes against opinion polls labour brexit, lovely: - ends FOM but there's a rose emoji - erects trade barriers *together* - goes against opinion polls but super apologetically

23

780

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

6 years

@Ned_Donovan

12

507

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

6 years

Sorry for the sincerity, but 2018 was the year i stopped taking shit & finally stood up for myself. Insisted people treat me with respect. Huge mistake, turns out i was valued only as people's whipping boy, mostly got told to piss off, v. lonely now, massively regret whole thing.

21

223

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

when 3 lions '96 tells of "30 years of hurt", does that mean immediately in 1967 england was already hurting? surely there's 3 or 4 years of post world cup non-hurt honeymoon

77

139

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

fu - and i can't stress this enough - cking hell

54

259

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

9 months

Less than a year until this guy is crying in a sports hall at 3am after his majority is eviscerated. Can't wait!

Jonathan Gullis

@GullisJonathan

9 months

A Christmas present from my Dad and Step Mum 😂. I’ll donate it to Sir @Keir_Starmer when I see him next. Heard it is his favourite flavour 😜.

2K

9

151

19

70

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

working in 40C amidst victorian architecture designed to insulate heat in a temperate climate is different from going to the pool abroad yeah

James Melville 🚜

@JamesMelville

2 years

30º in the UK is “too hot” and a national emergency. But 30º abroad is an escape to the sun.

950

2K

10K

9

181

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

If I were a resident of Soho and wanted the streets to be quiet at 11pm I would simply choose to not live in the beating cultural heart of a preeminent global megacity

Joey D'Urso

@josephmdurso

1 year

I left a theatre near Leicester Square at 10.30pm the other night and struggled to find anywhere serving food. Pathetic for a capital city. A political culture which views people enjoying themselves as something suspicious to be discouraged.

108

438

4K

22

151

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

journalist: fascinating. much of the public considers boris johnson to be a maverick change candidate rather than the leader of a party now 11 years in power. i will choose to treat this as a curious external fact rather than explore my industry's role in creating this situation.

6

355

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 months

@SeanMcLoughlin time travel plotline referred to as going on their "eras tour" Shrek telling his kids to stop streaming as dinner is ready (cuts to his kids gazing into a stream)

1

14

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

10

412

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

keir starmer: when i said angela rayner was fired, i meant to say that she was fired up for this great promotion i've given her

29

91

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

The Green Party

@TheGreenParty

3 years

🚆 Heavy investment in national rail networks is what made this possible. 💚 This is the climate leadership we need to see!

151

138

596

7

300

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

when the essay's due in 12 minutes and you're 400 words below the minimum wordcount

55

142

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

regular journalists: russian forces encountered resistance outside kiev, ukraine's capital me: er we know it's the capital, thank you finance journalists: in moscow, CDS rates widened by 8pc overnight (12pc if optioned via "radiator") making it harder to enchant funds me: what

17

185

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

the actual riddle of the sphinx was "without googling, name literally any character from Avatar, the highest grossing movie of all time"

97

385

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

7

236

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

Bald cap meant I couldn't wear my glasses so actually I had no Vision.

23

32

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

love to walk along a street where the house numbers are like 44 46 48 𝓯𝓲𝓯𝓽𝔂 52 54 𝓯𝓲𝓯𝓽𝔂 ??? who the fuck do you think you are

28

135

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

researcher: so this is called "the marshmallow test" and it gauges your discipline to forego 1 marshmallow now in anticipation of 2 marshm-- boris: [cheeks already absolutely bulging with marshmallow]

8

320

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

you're being chased by Neil O'Brien MP, he wants to show you a thread of terrible tweets you once did. you jump in a taxi and escape. you breathe a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it's Neil O'Brien MP

26

129

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

Labour's precarious 21 point polling lead means they can't afford utopian pledges like reversing the largest driver of child poverty

Hugo Gye

@HugoGye

1 year

A Labour govt would keep the two-child cap on benefits, Keir Starmer confirms in @bbclaurak interview.

146

95

119

22

331

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

any time someone picks up their computer to move rooms while on a zoom call it's like you're watching the mitchell and webb sir digby chicken caesar sketches

15

169

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

people who killed your mum: wow you're a real piece of work, show your family a bit of respect

8

195

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

Deadline

@DEADLINE

4 years

UK Government Continues To Pressure Netflix For ‘The Crown’ Disclaimer; Minister Warns Regulation For U.S. Streamers May Be Considered

66

34

145

6

297

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

rishi sunak's week

8

76

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

pro tuition fee people argue that because not everybody goes to university, they shouldn't be funded from general taxation. logically this means i get a go on a battleship. when is my battleship time.

15

241

2K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

sick of these twee inspirational quotes at tube stations

7

125

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

friend: please catherine...this boy...he's no good. what will you do when the marriage ends? catherine parr: *fleabag turn to camera* survive

8

66

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

me: scotland is a modern nation with massive urban centres, heavy industry and pioneering tech start-ups, not some magical faerie kingdom where disney princes and princesses converse with wild animals my girlfriend's dad:

Mhairi Beveridge

@MhairiBeveridge

2 years

my dad heard a lamb crying on his walk, found it in a ditch and then mimicked its cry to find the mother who he could hear from another hill in the distance. mad.

24

221

2K

10

330

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

is shrek working class

44

76

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

well jeremy corbyn, you've stepped down and you were certainly [sweat pours down my face as i remember my twitter followers are divided equally between centrists and leftists] leader of the british labour party 2015-2020

13

96

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

18 month post-pandemic moratorium on b-sides

16

28

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

i'll never get over how once, at a pensions advertising meeting, someone pitched "sexy widow" and the room was like "sure why not"

44

275

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

rishi sunak when someone suggests using the state's capacity to borrow at lower interest rates to finance a long term infrastructure project for the public good that will recoup its cost and more over its lifetime

Ben Riley-Smith

@benrileysmith

2 years

💥A new No 10 - No 11 clash over the energy security strategy is emerging tonight… No10 / BEIS wanted hundreds of millions spent on upgrading households’ energy efficiency to drop down bills… but Treasury said no.

76

307

519

12

207

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

7 years

i checked and it's actually not!

9

284

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

@CBThorburn and yet Guy's very name is creating the conditions for misogyny to flourish

2

1

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

my date: i actually work at the badminton horse trials me, impressed: so are you prosecuting or defending the horses

7

117

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

i think the lockdown only ends when someone randomly shouts mornington crescent

13

151

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

child: what did you do during a colossal pandemic exposing a decade of systematic underfunding of british state capacity to deal with crises which, coupled with slow lockdowns, led to one of the worst death tolls in the world? british journos: my usual anti-woke column

4

289

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

3

113

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

wagamama stands for "wives and girlfriends and mothers"

4

95

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 months

And so did you suspend those candidates, Rishi?

James Heale

@JAHeale

3 months

🔥 Sunak on betting allegations: "I was incredibly angry, incredibly angry to learn of these allegations. It's a really serious matter. It's right that they're being investigated properly by the relevant law enforcement authorities."

15

6

25

1

73

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

6 months

This is really funny because if anything this sounds a bit dry? This is hardly weird avant-garde research, couldn't be more down-the-line historical study (England, crops, 500 year sweep from middle aged to modernity, political economy) and even then the hard right go wah wah

Charlotte Gill

@CharlotteCGill

6 months

Always wanted to know more about this. Sound £879,525 taxpayer investment.

359

92

498

19

54

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

! - please like me !! - seriously don't interpret anything in this email as hostile !!! - 00s dance punk band Chk Chk Chk !!!! - i will kill again

6

102

1K

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

kate hoey: what has the labour party come to when i, a pro-fox hunting anti-immigration MP who was once chair of the countryside alliance, no longer feel welcome in its ranks

25

174

945

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

9 months

[Morpheus voice] what if I told you that you can both enjoy Saltburn and also enjoy making a silly joke about it

0

6

973

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

"They'll be queuing up to close you down if you're wrong on this. You've just moved the currency by one and a half percent. I'm going to spare you the agony: I'm going to call for your resignation when you're wrong."

Nadhim Zahawi

@nadhimzahawi

2 years

This was clearly a joke between two good friends, who had previously been business partners for several years. Stephan continues to be one of my closest friends and at no point since leaving YouGov in 2010 have I had any influence on the company. Suggesting otherwise is untrue.

2K

216

532

9

107

958

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 months

finally - a british politician more interested in american politics than european politics

Stefan Mohamed

@stefmowords

5 months

pure Garth Merenghi "written more books than I've read" energy

29

161

2K

8

60

949

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

6 years

The Selfie of Dorian Gray (2019): effete libertine Dorian Gray (Dave Franco) agelessly gallivants about Los Angeles with no consequences, but what is the secret of the encrypted selfie in the folder marked "DON'T OPEN" on his GoogleDrive? Budget: $15mill Domestic gross: $4.3mill

6

161

934

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

2 years

Matt Hancock going on I'm A Celebrity

2

45

907

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

Joe Biden's First 100 Seconds In Office Have Been A Legislative Disaster And He Should Be Impeached | Me for The Spectator

5

108

881

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

comedy is about agreeing with the government, the more you agree with the government the more comedy you are

Charlotte Gill

@CharlotteCGill

5 years

I can't believe #HIGNFY is laying into the Tories. Even now! Have they learnt nothing? The majority of voters identify with Tories now. You are insulting them by association. Gosh we really do need to drain the swamp of these woke automatons dominating the airwaves.

899

201

1K

3

84

849

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

sad that Ukraine, the country of Gogol, cannot "go goal" in this football match

21

61

843

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

5 years

the idea of someone being small government but pro death penalty is wild to me "oh i just think the state should get out of people's lives except" *detective columbo turn* "it should be able to murder people"

16

175

841

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

4 years

8

138

809

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

love to subscribe to a leading magazine of the british left in order to read [squints at screen] a writer propagating a fascistic american conspiracy theory that building local grocery shops and some bikelanes means you you'll die waiting for an ambulance

The New Statesman

@NewStatesman

1 year

In the 20th century the factory was the site of the most intense class conflict. In the 21st century it is the automobile, writes Michael Lind. Thread ⬇️

432

38

156

15

108

806

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

3 years

"oh, and the blue shirt? it suits you." - me ending every telephone call knowing that 95% of the time i've guessed wrong and sound like a maniac but 5% of the time i'll get lucky and jason bourne them

8

65

808

Alex Kealy

@alexkealy

1 year

Nope, just threaten to compulsorily purchase any HS2 land sold in this period back for 1p. What are the markets going to do, punish Labour for maintaining 15 years of critical national infrastructure continuity after a 1 year Sunak blip?

Faisal Islam

@faisalislam

1 year

As I said yesterday, Labour leader Starmer says he can’t commit to reversing HS2 cancellation because of what he calls “wrecking ball” tactics from PM. “I can’t stand here and commit to reversing that decision, they’ve taken wrecking ball to it”.

137

268

909

11

92

799