The Flood Defence @TheFloodDefence Twitter profile

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Wearing a beret in London: Nobody cares Wearing a beret in Sunderland: Somebody yelled out of a car 'bonjour!'

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Canary Wharf Waitrose insane. I just watched a man scream down his phone “send the letter, let’s go to fucking war” while buying almonds

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

@lamowens Unconfirmed but context clues would suggest he is of that persuasion. I bought different almonds to make my feelings clear and really show him

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

@katharineparton @sophiacadogan are they not caught up with all 15 series? i think you need to rectify that so they can get the excellent references

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

unbridled smugness when @salihughes recommends a product i already use. lovely hit of dopamine

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Beret Christmas x

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

@danielclifford6 excellent. I hope they were accurate.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Happy International Women’s Day!! She’s been! I got 10% off a dress!

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

New twitter bio

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

6 months

Boldly fashionable in Sunderland…

Sean McDonald

@seanmcdonald01

6 months

One of funniest things I’ve ever heard was a girl explaining the difference between Glasgow & London. She’d moved to London, was dressing boldly, and no one batted an eyelid. She wore a beret in Glasgow and within 2 mins someone leaned out a passing car and shouted “BONJOUR!”

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Pal: "What do you think is the surefire way to annoy a man?" Me: "Watch TV on the non-HD channel."

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

@MarkDEverything @Mickey_Devine Peaky Twat

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

got a connie the caterpillar cake for £3.21 yesterday. everytime i pass her i eat a handful. i am simply boasting.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

I love French things like cheese, berets and rioting the fucking streets in the face of the absolutely unjustifiable.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Your ex has set up a new business, babe

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

who the actual fuck is craving a picnic? like who is feverish to eat a quiche on the ground? i don't understand.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Does anyone want to start a Newcastle literary festival? For all genres.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

My aunty gets my birthday wrong by 1 day every year. Here she is the day before my 30th, giving me a cake for the 30th time, and holding my hand because I was really sad at the time. She unexpectedly passed this week but 8th October will forever be lovely to me because of her.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Lolz

The Poke

@ThePoke

5 years

12 very different reactions to people’s clothing depending on geography. h/t @TheFloodDefence

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

i am in the Newcastle Chronicle. excellent.

Helen Dalby

@helendalby

5 years

Thank you @TheFloodDefence for brightening up Twitter with this very funny thread. We’ll let you know if @ChronicleLive readers come up with any others:

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

if fleetwood mac could get through recording rumours then i can get through today.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

i can handle the overhead wires wrapped around the train. i am chill about the massive delay. i am cool about the dark. i *cannot* cope with this grown woman talking loudly about characters from harry potter who could help.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Happy Birthday to this old tart

The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Wearing a beret in London: Nobody cares Wearing a beret in Sunderland: Somebody yelled out of a car 'bonjour!'

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

look at my punchably smug dish now that my vintage jumper fits

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Q: Who drank for 4 days straight for her birthday? A: Very tired Flood did

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

Q. why don't you put your camera on in meetings anymore, carly? A.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Is-he-fit-or-wearing-a-nice-coat autumn challenge

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Mood: brought down by the left wing economic establishment but sunny

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

saw the sea. good.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

A few years ago I was going through a crap time and my lovely friend Pete sent me some flowers with the following note. I just found it and I love it.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

my pal has got to work and realised she had brought a bra instead of a mask. she teaches sixth form

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

it is all bit fucking grim isn't it?

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

got a solid kit kat. always thought it was the stuff of legend. so blessed rn.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

It’s almost as if starving public services over the past 12 years has resulted in mass collapse

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

(bitterly) nobody shouted bonjour when I tried very hard to look french today 😒

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

I’m at the O2 and I just saw someone have a whole Colin the Caterpillar cake confiscated at bag search. Obsessed.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

i am dressed like I was 24 tonight so that'll do. (erm... this is the normal nonsense I post tbh. infrequent beret content)

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

first person who posts a banana bread is getting unfollowed. too triggering.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Mull and Void

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

"i remember that Zadie smith wrote White Teeth at 23 and it makes me want to give up writing and become a welder" - @NotRollergirl and me

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

i call this "The Hangover Tray"

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

this is possibly *too* good

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

to the man who has always been there for me and taught me all of the important stuff x

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

We’re just women. Innocent women absolutely terrified our ex boyfriends are at Hackney Empire to see @MrNishKumar too. With pints of wine.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

@theguyliner @guardian "If this praise were any fainter, it would make the Turin shroud look like a Pucci print scarf." ♡

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

1 year

I took this picture at dinner last night and it looks like a painting albeit with a wheelie bin in it

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

7 years

Well said @NotRollergirl 'I like you, I think of you often' is my new gift buying mantra!

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

@heawood Heawood! I love your writing! You can wear flares of any colour and I would bow to you x

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

wearing a satin skirt and cosy knit with a bold red lip to walk downstairs to the dining room because the sunday times style said so.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

The best part of living in London is having a shop like this every 300ft

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

who wore it best?

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Gorgeous words on cake and death from @WixKaty ❤️

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

i just want to go for brunch with a friend and spend £11 on a breakfast negroni and talk about the boys that aren't texting back and then somehow it is 5PM and we are drunk and we have picked up more pals on the way and we are *that* annoying table pls.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

It’s incredibly warm and bright and sunshine and Easter. So Indian food it is of course. Like baby Jesus wanted.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Has anyone ever eaten a McDonalds while *not* emotionally frail/ hungover/ looking at a hedge in their car at a business park?

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Finally one that resonates

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

i lost my 'carly' necklace and my lovely pals sent me this utterly superior replacement 🥰

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

i can't believe you guys are still talking about christmas. retail has moved on. get with it.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Midwinter! (bleak)

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

I am very happy with my cowboy shirt. Too happy if anything 🤠

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

'nigella would probably approve of this and she is beautiful' i thought while eating an easter egg at 10.30am

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

So my team googled me. I scream laughed.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

1 year

My entire life has been trying to look as cool as Jane Birkin, adding her fringe to Pinterest every 6 months, buying some Mary-Janes and failing in every possible way. Will continue of course.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

I left the dentist and I was thinking - do I get an iced coffee or maybe a sandwich? And the universe provided

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

happy birthday to this old tart 🥳

The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

Wearing a beret in London: Nobody cares Wearing a beret in Sunderland: Somebody yelled out of a car 'bonjour!'

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

3 years ago they discontinued my favourite foundation so I bought every bottle I could source. I have just ran out of the stash…just as they have started stocking it again. Let this be a lesson to you: be unhinged, hoard wealth, be ✨patient with market forces for cosmetics✨

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Debuting my new glasses with some unfortunate “Cheers Tim, Cheers Simon” energy

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Do I buy this bargain leather jacket from the sample Reformation sale? I am conflicted.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Accidentally forgot to become very thin and hot for the summer. This is now 36 times in a row. Fuck.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

buying flowers is now an event worthy of commemorating in photo form

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

6 months

Erm…

Sean McDonald

@seanmcdonald01

6 months

One of funniest things I’ve ever heard was a girl explaining the difference between Glasgow & London. She’d moved to London, was dressing boldly, and no one batted an eyelid. She wore a beret in Glasgow and within 2 mins someone leaned out a passing car and shouted “BONJOUR!”

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

5 years

*back to standard content and london* Little Women was dead good. 5 popcorns.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

just got nostalgic about tugging my coat from underneath the wheels of my office chair. it has come to this.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

I am a 35 year old hungover woman eating flamin' hot cheetos at the bus stop with a bold red lip - thriving

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

following my government sanctioned instincts and getting blind drunk

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Death Lets Flats

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Erm how insanely talented and gorgeous is @catcohen this evening ❤️

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

3 years

Q: Is there anything more humbling than getting your eyebrows threaded in a department store where people are buying pedal bins?

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

pandemic bridesmaid (1m+ apart before you show concern - most of the ceremony we had masks on where we look like elegant psychopaths)

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

this is an excellent puppy. she napped on me. i just wanted you all to know.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

I was sick in a bin this morning

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

flood outside a pub (reading obvs)

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

i would quite like a hug rn. even an awkward one.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

There she is. Rising. Grinding. Rendering the bedside fan laughably ineffective at 5.13am.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Tyne Bridge/Blake Lively’s dress

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Evidence of playfulness 👍

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Sometimes I’m not drinking wine

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

somewhat devastated to report that my "loose jeans" have now moved categories to just "jeans"

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Taylor turned up at Haim. Unreal.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

woke up. took a slug of the water i keep my the bed. and it was red wine.

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

4 years

being tall, bringing biscuits and cracking the odd joke has helped me fuck all on MS Teams. this is all i have been trading on for years. who even am i without my tools?

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

Me: “doing anything nice, Dad?” Dad: “Yes! It’s the anniversary of the battle of Orgreave and I’m going to the miners welfare to mark it. The bastards. 👍”

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The Flood Defence

@TheFloodDefence

2 years

I had to postpone a meeting to send my GP a picture of an insect bite on my calf from the work toilet. Feeling dignified and professional. Laugh with me please.