TheCrimsonFucker @TheCrimsonFuckr Twitter profile

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

This has aged well.

TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Gun control? More like FUN CONTROL! #AmIright ?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2 years

R.I.P. the lay of the century.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2 years

I walked so you could morb.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

4 years

So I fell asleep in January and forgot to set my alarm. What I miss?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

3 years

Vampires don't need to get vaccinated but I did anyway, for fun. The fun part was turning into a woman in front of the nurse after she gave me the shot.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

1 year

Fun Vampire Fact: There is no such thing as a heterosexual vampire. Blood is blood. Don't be a hemophobe.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

5 years

When you've been around as long as I have, fireworks lose their wow-factor. But idiots blowing their fingers off because they bought illegal fireworks from a guy who has *absolutely* hosted a donkey show? That's forever.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

3 years

I bought an ape. No, an actual ape. I've dressed him in a suit and call him Walter Jr.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Sometimes I take the form of an 8 year old and get in windowless vans with strangers. If they're legit, I get candy and Playstation. If not, I get to eat a child molester. Win-win!

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

If it gets any hotter this summer I will burn down the fucking sun.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Heard I was in Smash Brothers and this is embarrassing... they're using my look from the 80s. Christ, I look like Kim Basinger cosplaying Marquis de Sade.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

People have asked if I have periods while in my "Girlycard" form. No, no. That blood isn't mine.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

5 years

It's so hot, you definitely should not leave a baby inside your car unattended. Unless you're going for the "baking cookies on the dashboard" trick.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2 months

Remember, you can't be angry at me for slaughtering all those people. Everything I did was a part of my official duties.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

5 years

Happy Holidays! To celebrate I've put some mistletoe atop the barrel of my gun. 💋

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

3 years

A broken clock is right twice a day. A Doomsday Clock is only right once.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

5 years

Untitled Goose Game is the best videogame ever made and if you disagree I will dump all of your shit into a lake.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

3 years

My first word in Wordle is always BITCH. Because the bitches always come first.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

3 years

"You're alive?" That depends on your definition.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2 years

Is this a good day or a bad day for Gay frogs?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

5 years

Didn't I *just* get done with this?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

4 years

What the *fuck* is a VTuber?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

"Thoughts and prayers" may be the world's worst cryptocurrency.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Anyone got a baster?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Saw Infinity War. 2/10 Thanos never glove slapped *anyone* and demanded a duel. Why even HAVE IT BE A FUCKING GLOVE THEN

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Hey @dog_rates YA WANNA RATE MY DOG!?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

So kids, have a fine Turkeyday? #FearTurkey

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

I keep seeing the hashtag, #EattheRich and I'm just wondering, is there a designated time? Or place? Is this like a flash mob? Or do I just go crazy?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

So I get back and neo-Nazis are everywhere, everything is on fire, and a pudgy little shit bag is in power. Also I'm back in London.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Also it's 2018 and this is relevant again.

TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

IT'S NAZIS. #calledit #bitcheslovecannons #fuckmotheringvampire

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

2 months

The presence of a "Kill Switch" implies the existence of a "Kill Top" and a "Kill Bottom".

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

"Papa Smurf, can I lick your ass?" "Yeah, lick my ass bitch!" And thus, an entire generation was given a succinct and insightful lesson on consent.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

I'm thinking about going to see the new Star Wars. Anyone want to come with? They say no outside food but I can sneak you in under my coat.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Although for some reason, they always have the faintest aftertaste of communion wafers.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Found out today that Uber Eats isn't just Uber where I get to eat the driver after. #Mealsonwheels

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

People talk about New Years Eve as a time to reflect upon the year gone by. But if you know anything about vampires, you'll understand my problem with reflection...

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

I've decided that New Years Resolutions just aren't for me. If I wanted to constantly make promises to be a better person only to break them when things got tough I'd just go to church like the rest of the world.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

You'll never see me posting videos of dead bodies. I already see enough idiots instagramming their meals every goddamn day. You won't catch me (un)dead doing the same.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

As of this year, if someone has no memories of 9/11 happening, they're too young to suck your dick.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

When two cannibals hook-up, is that mutual mastication? Or the world's toothiest 69? At least we know they both swallow.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Folks like to think that I eat people raw, but that's untrue. I roast everyone I eat.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Huh. My phone keeps autocorrecting "Cum" to "Fun"...

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

The worst part about coming home was seeing "Punch A Nazi" became a thing. I've been saying it for years. This is bullshit. Anyone know how copyright works? Or is that a trademark?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

So if I understand this correctly, Gordon Ramsay just kicked down the door to the Oval Office and shouted, "SHUT IT DOWN! SHUT IT ALL DOWN!"

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

For Halloween this year I'm going to sit outside with a bowl of Tide pods and bath bombs.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

On a related note, does anyone remember Luke Valentine, A.K.A. Kibbles 'n Bitch?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Wait, #CrazyRichAsians isn't a Nintendo documentary? This is just like when I thought #DearWhitePeople was spin-off of Friends.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

What's the difference between a whorehouse and a Catholic orphanage? This isn't a joke I'm really not sure.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Okay but what if-- instead of *actual cake*-- Marie Antoinette was talking about *ass*?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Rest is for the weak... ... Party for the weekend.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

"Violence is never the answer" Then I'm never going to finish filling out my FetLife profile.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

10 years

#420yoloswag4jesus

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Just saw The Shape of Water and if you DON'T wanna fuck the fishman *you're the weird one.*

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Today is gorgeous out. I think I'll go camping. Better pack my machete.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

Always eat what you kill. That's my motto. Used to be "Eat fresh" but then those fuckers at Subway...

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

I honestly don't feel sad for Seras. I mean, who *doesn't* love French food?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

GUYS I MOMENTARILY FOUND CELL SIGNAL ON THIS BOAT QUICK PLAY ME IN WORDS WITH FRIENDS OR SEND NUDES I AM SO FUCKING BOR

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Never ask a vampire to shotgun his drink. No amount of Clorox is going to clean that up.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Every day after Christmas I have my annual Boxing Day BBQ. I grill reindeer venison steaks, on a charcoal grill, with my own coal delivered by Santa himself. Now I'm not saying it's Santa's reindeer, but this tradition did start 8 years ago... and I see a red light in the sky.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

I can never relate to movies where they "hide the body" because I never have leftovers.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

Never, ever ask me what I'd do for a Klondike bar. Nobody wants to go down that road... probably because they never come back.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Since I can't take pictures of myself (vampire) all of my dickpics are artistically rendered by the most talented artists Hellsing can afford. They are then mailed to their valued recipients. Speaking of which @MuseeLouvre did you get that thing I sent you?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

6 years

Vampire Upside: I don't get STDs. Downside: Abortions are expensive.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

Follow up: If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where do hermaphrodites come from?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'M GOING IN DRY.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Gun control? More like FUN CONTROL! #AmIright ?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

10 years

Wow, haven't seen Brazilians get slaughtered like this since... well, you know.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

How many times do you think St. Nick has written back with "send nudes"?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Emergency, does anyone know how to get elf blood out of a wool hat?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

I don't need to use religion as an excuse not to do my job. I have plenty of other worthwhile excuses. Like "Eat me." Or my gun.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Followup: *Whorephanage.* I think we can workshop this.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Starting to think the Police Girl might have a crush on the Frenchman. Little does she know he is French, therefore gay.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

10 years

There are assholes. I shoot them. #ExplainAnAnimePlotBadly

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

"I'd kill for (blank)" isn't really saying much for me anymore and "I wouldn't kill for (blank)" is just a lie.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Update: 1. So elves are Xenomorphs. 2. I need a new hat.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

Donald Trump is running for president? I suppose I put a bullet in that vile, disgusting vermin. A.K.A. his hair.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Okay so I just woke up from an impromptu Mardi Gras party and wo-ho-how the cleaning crew's gonna find a ton of fun stains on the couch in the west wing living room.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

9 years

There's water on Mars? Boring, @NASA . Check back with me when you find blood.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Heard the Frenchman say YOLO today. Thought about shooting him, but that would just be proving him right.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

Haha. Fun for the whole family.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

R.I.P. Van Winkle

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Don't know what's takin' Jesus so long with the second coming. Only takes me 5 minutes on average to recharge.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Just tried to get through airport security out of Brazil. Nope.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

Pft, the Vatican? More like The Vatican't.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

Just got done flipping an ambulance into a group of civilians whilst blaring AC/DC on full. Now I'm going to play some GTA V. #artimitatesme

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

7 years

No it's not "red like my hat" it's FUCKING GREEN and I think also acid?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

It goes without saying that Halloween is my favorite holiday. My second favorite? Good Friday. It's a holiday dedicated to getting nailed!

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

. @teamfourstar The fuck are you?

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

My New Years Resolution? Eat less. Which is the opposite of last year's resolution: Help trim the homeless population.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Merry Christmas from your favorite jolly man in a big red coat.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Nazis and zombies are tied at 2nd as my favorite things to kill. 1st? Nazi zombies, duh.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

The only people I follow on Twitter are my favorite comedians.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

So, Integra barred me from using my Twitter. Apparently "sexual solicitation via social networking" is against company policy.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

10 years

People have asked for my opinion on Gamer Gate. I usually respond asking them to stop squirming so as I may finish my meal.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Happy Thanksgiving! Who wants turkey? I carved it myself...

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

11 years

Also, if these shipdits think they can take my porn away, they've got -another thing cumming-!

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

The Mighty Dicktopus.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

The final form of gay.

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TheCrimsonFucker

@TheCrimsonFuckr

12 years

Gay.

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