NYTimes Vows @NYTvows Twitter profile

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

Give me a strict dress code or give me death!!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

"I married my best friend," gushed the bride, standing next to 6 women who spent $8K apiece to support & celebrate her in that life event.

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NYTimes Vows

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2 years

Life moves fast—one day you're a cool youth and then before you know it, you're gasping at the sight of a Le Creuset in a color you have never seen before.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@Megan_Amr these colors go together beautifully--lovely picture!

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2 years

@brittypony I know a few people who ended friendships after things like that. My word.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@justsheavassar LOVE this!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@ItsRjRaymond Expenses could include flight to bridal shower, dress 4 shower + gift; flight to bachelorette party (perhaps Puerto Rico or Nashville or Scottsdale), hotel, activity (spa? Winery tours?), group meals; flight/transpo to wedding, bridesmaid dress, shoes, make-up + hair done.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

"I married my best friend," gushed the bride, standing next to 6 women who spent $3K apiece to support & celebrate her in that life event.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@ImLaurenTheresa A Woman's Right to Shoes is tied for best ep of SATC ever (other is My Motherboard, Myself).

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 months

I ( @selenacoppock ) started lovingly mocking the New York Times wedding section in May 2015 and every Sunday I’d read love story after love story about so many couples (many with connections to the Mayflower, obvi) and wonder if I’d ever find my match.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 months

Vintage ring + my favorite photo of us 💜

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NYTimes Vows

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2 years

@Cuppajo2go Everyone looks so sharp! Fantastic.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

If the groomsmen aren't all wearing Chuck Taylor low top sneakers, how will anyone know that this crew plays by its own rules?

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

April showers bring May flowers. Mayflowers bring people whose descendants get into Harvard despite average SAT scores.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

"I'm a male feminist," the groom said, though it was hard to hear his voice over the sound of him furiously patting himself on the back.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 months

This weekend we got engaged and I have to laugh and cross my fingers that perhaps someday, this fake Grey Lady’s wedding might be covered in the real Grey Lady—I can think of nothing more meta. Wanted to share my news and thank you all for being here for my snark and jokes.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

Good morning. I'm SHRIEKING.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

This is an act of violence.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

The groom was the enfant terrible of his class at Dalton and spent his 20s destabilizing the U.S. economy while working in finance.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

“The bar was like a sea of clean cut guys in Barbour jackets, so I just picked one at random,” the bride said of how she and Thatcher met.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@alichoux I rewrote the original tweet bc I have been doing this account for a whiiiiile and my how the prices have changed.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

If you don't have an oyster shucking station at your wedding reception, what are people supposed to do during the cocktail hour? Come on.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

The bride is Jewish, the groom a divorced Italian Catholic, but all that matters is that they both attended Harvard. Oh, and love.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 months

Her nail color appears to be Ballet Slipper and you know what that means. As the youths say, she ready.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

Well yes who DOESN’T pay top dollar to get their shiftless offspring into a good college? If you gain admission based on merit, you’re probably a middle class nobody with “grit” and “tenacity” who simply “works hard.”

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

"Jen + I hit it off b/c we both LOVE traveling--why don't more ppl travel?" asked the groom, unaware of how salaries & vacation time work.

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NYTimes Vows

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6 years

“Dating in NYC is a goddamn hellscape, so I decided to settle down with Jennifer. She has little-to-no personality and doesn’t bring much to the table, but at least she’s not actively cruel to me,” the groom said of his blushing bride.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

@martinaforgey Brilliant idea.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

4 years

A 2nd Impeachment is like a 2nd wedding: You can dress a bit more casual than the 1st go-round, it's a bit more relaxed since everybody knows the drill, but keep it fun and festive with themed drinks!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

"I heard the rustling of leaves & assumed it was a photographer who Mike hired to capture his woods proposal, but it was Hillary Clinton."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

“I married my best friend,” marveled the groom, while standing alongside his boyhood best friend, high school best friend, fraternity best friend, and the best friend with whom he co-founded a fledgling business.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

If you think Pink Eye is contagious, have you ever watched engagements pop off among a group of guy friends in their 30s?

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

The bride is old money but the groom is nouveau riche. HA! Can you even IMAGINE? #AprilFoolsDay

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

Good luck to all of the New Yorkers heading out to the Hamptons right now in hopes of meeting an equally ambitious and connected mate + ending up in Vows at this time in 2020. May the odds be ever in your favor.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

A group of bees is called a "swarm" but a group of WASPs is called “legacy admissions."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

People who think that women are desperate to get married because their biological clock is ticking often seem to ignore that most male hairlines are rapidly creeping back at that same age, so all parties might be wise to lock it down.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring? WASPS who won't shut up about their lineage.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

When you use your wedding announcement as an opportunity to insult your former friends + their seating chart.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

Congratulations to all of the happy couples getting married today whose receptions will be electrified when Earth, Wind & Fire’s “September” gets EVERYONE on the dance floor. Godspeed.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

It’s an absolutely gorgeous day for a wedding. Preferably one merging two society families but, heck, even middle class nobodies could appreciate this weather on their wedding day!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

The groom's father has a faint Boston accent BUT IT'S THE KENNEDY KIND not the white trash kind, so it is acceptable.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

"We dated a while and people kept saying 'shit or get off the pot' so I decided to take the most important shit of my life, so to speak."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

When the Times covers your nuptials... and includes ALL relevant information about your family. 🤣🤣🤣

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

"Bridget? She's a low-key, natural beauty and that's what I love about her," Thad said of his bride who gets subtle highlights every 4 months, facials and Botox quarterly, and has a detailed bronzer strategy.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

The groom, Chandler Schwann IV, is a 3rd generation Yale alum who loves the CCR song "Fortunate Son," and has no clue what it's about.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

As they say, one woman's "trash" is another woman's "he's not ugly & he's a really steady, dependable guy & I want kids pretty soon, so."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

I don’t ONLY mock middle class nobodies. I ALSO mock upper class somebodies who lack taste.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

The bride earned her PhD in Molecular Biology from Princeton. She now owns & operates "Kiki's Place," a tote bag shop in New Canaan, CT.

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NYTimes Vows

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9 years

The bride and groom met on the Hampton Jitney, the only form of public transportation that either has ever ridden.

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NYTimes Vows

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9 years

Wallace Sedgwick II & Rosemany Collins go by Topper & Gigi and own a Greenwich tchotchke store of the same name.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

The bride attended a local community college and is NOT emaciated OR bird-like. The groom does NOT resemble ANY Hollywood actor and he’s underemployed and anxious about his financial future. HA! God this is fun. #AprilFoolsDay

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

If you’ve never scheduled an emergency appointment with your therapist after a 4 day, 3 night, destination bachelorette party, have you TRULY been a bridesmaid?

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

Some couples say "no ring, no bring" with regard to only inviting engaged/married couples to their wedding. I prefer to say "no open bar, no me riding in my car (to your wedding)."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

A group of bees is called a "swarm" but a group of WASPs is called a "yacht club."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

The bride laughed at how she and Tom met, "I saw him from across a fake Irish pub in midtown. He was in a button down, tie, and a fleece vest that told me that works in an overly air conditioned office where he makes a lot of money. I was right."

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

Beware the “meet cute.” It will keep you in a doomed relationship much too long because you can’t bear to walk away from a relationship with such a cute origin story.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

"Brantley and I just LOVE traveling—why don't more people get out and see the world?" purred the bride, Whitney, 35, who has never held a full-time job.

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NYTimes Vows

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1 year

Jessica went to college hoping to get her “Mrs Degree” but, much to her dismay, graduated with only a stellar education, remarkable personal achievements, and lifelong friends.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

They met at Princeton, flirted at Columbia, and fell in love at Harvard AND THAT IS WHAT WE CALL A VOWS HAT-TRICK.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

Just remember: until you learn to love YOURSELF, you cannot truly love anyone else. JK JK! Oh Lord that is SO untrue, take it from the Grey Lady. There are gobs of self-hating assholes out there living and loving other self-hating assholes! It's all random chance, you people!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

This name is PEAK Vows. {From today’s real Vows section.}

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

Rohan, 25, and Chelsea, 24, both work at their dream jobs furiously piling more and more content onto the internet.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

4 years

It's a Rolex, not a Richard Mille, you peasants.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

You can sweat through your clothes for $30 at a Bikram yoga class or for $300 at a daytime, outdoor wedding in July.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

Just do both and stop being poor.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

4 years

An actual photo of how I feel about the New York Times Wedding Section fawning over large, in-person weddings during a global pandemic.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

Look—when you get an opportunity to throw shade at your first husband in the New York Times, you take it.

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NYTimes Vows

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6 years

If there is a "fun run" during your wedding weekend, please know that I will participate in said "fun run" holding a G&T in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and calling you people "tiresome fools who need to learn how to do recreation properly.”

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

2 years

So the bride put her stepsister's boyfriend on the spot at the wedding AND ALSO in The New York Times. Wow.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

3 years

As the old saying goes: Always a bridesmaid, never a friend who narrowly escapes the request that she drop $6K to celebrate the life choices of a college friend who has now become more of a social acquaintance.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

Quick message to everyone who isn’t this groom: you’re lazy. {From today’s real Vows section.}

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

Those last lines are why I started this Vows parody account.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

Whitney Beck didn't know which lax bro she would date when she arrived @ Princeton, but she knew just the type of blood diamond she wanted.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

A lighthouse is a perfect backdrop for wedding photos and I have recently learned that they are also used to prevent boats from crashing into the rocky shoreline, so that’s a fine secondary use.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

4 years

The bride spent her college years being known as the "hottest girl on campus" of her New England private college in that way that wholly bland girls with long hair often do.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

Shout out to everyone who understands that this is a parody account.

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NYTimes Vows

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5 years

If you got through your entire childhood without ever being called a "ragamuffin" as an insult by your mother or grandmother, I cannot relate to you.

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NYTimes Vows

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6 years

A copyeditor’s nightmare.

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NYTimes Vows

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9 years

The bride was an American Studies major from a pricey east coast college that most call a safety school, so yes she is an interior designer.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

The bride was confusing and cruel to the groom for the duration of their freshman year in college—a maneuver that she calls “strategic mode” and that did, much to the chagrin of people who shoot straight, ultimately work out for her.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

One woman's "he's a sociopath--RUN" is another woman's "we had a whirlwind courtship & he popped the question & I'm pregnant!"

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

8 years

Rumors that the bride is a bird are greatly exaggerated. She is swan-like, graceful, and travels south in winter but is NOT A BIRD.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

5 years

If you think cash bar is tragic, try witnessing a Hervé Léger bandage dress at a wedding in the year of our Lord 2019!

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

9 years

The bride was sick of her roommates, was about to turn 30, and he was there.

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NYTimes Vows

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8 years

The groomsmen were a diverse group. "I met my best man Brooks at Princeton & he was on financial aid, but he's a great guy," said the groom.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

6 years

YES PLEASE

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NYTimes Vows

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8 years

My condolences to couples getting married on this wet, dreary day. Your parents' wealth can control many things, but sadly, not the weather.

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NYTimes Vows

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6 years

Look, all I ask in a bride is that she be stunningly beautiful yet understated, have cheekbones like gorgeous daggers, have defined arm muscles but also clavicles for days, be named Whitney or Victoria or Katherine and + nicknamed Izzy or Bitsy or Cece. IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

7 years

It's a New York tale as old as time--mildly successful man in his 50s finally decides to settle down with entrepreneurial self-starter in her mid-30s who has been disappointed by enough New York guys that the groom seems, comparably, like a catch.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows

3 years

**WEDDING WEBSITE** Can we bring our kids? We love kids! No.

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NYTimes Vows

@NYTvows