Helleanor Rigby @Mom_Overboard Twitter profile

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

7 months

He's not a Nice Guy unless he's from the French town of Nice. Otherwise he's just a sparkling fuckboy.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

11 months

Nope, sorry, can't tonight. Teresa from Facebook just outed her husband's affair with a picture of him out with his mistress in a post for his BIRTHDAY, so yeah my night is pretty full already.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 months

My son started working for a dentist and his third day on the job, his boss fixed the front tooth my son chipped at his last job FOR FREE because he had an opening, and didn't even make him clock out. Further evidence that investing in employees won't hamper successful business.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

7 months

It's amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

8 months

Just once I'd like to spiral upwards

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

Me [at the mechanic]: my car is doing this weird shudder when I accelerate My car: I’m not doing that for him that’s OUR thing

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

would Medusa wear a hat like this OR like this

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Two years ago, I got angry one night in mid December, and went for a drive. I stopped for gas and a young man who I had driven by earlier walked by wearing jeans and a hoodie. It was 20 degrees, but with the wind, felt like 10. Against my better judgement, I offered him a ride:

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

There's drunk, and white girl wasted, and then there's I THREW UP A FORK

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

8 months

Actually I WON'T cross that bridge when I get to it. I have anxiety; I'm on that bridge RIGHT NOW.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Anyway, sometimes I think about this and realize I'm gonna be ok.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 months

Nothing makes me feel more like a child than my shoe lace being untied why is this happening I am an ADULT

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

Yes I’m 40, no I don’t give a fuck

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

No one ever prepared me for how much of adulthood I would spend thinking this is a nice box I'm gonna keep this

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

If you sneeze and fart at the same time your body takes a screenshot

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Me: I'll take a scotch on the rocks with a twist. Bartender: *hands me a scotch on the rocks* Me: hey you forgot my— Bartender: *pulls off his face to reveal he is me* Me: —holy shit

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

I'm so glad everyone enjoys this story. I've told it in real life and got crickets as a response and frankly, I threw up a fork deserves more than that! 😂

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink* Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes? Date: no I meant Me: but the left lung only has two! Date: not like th— wait, really?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Two weeks ago, I was called a stuck up bitch for not responding to a man's sexual advance disguised as good will. Two days ago, I was called an ogre who no one wants to touch. Today, I was called desperate, unfunny, and a shitty mother. IDGAF what they say... I'm staying here.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Men with Moms with dick pics newborn pics 🤝 Sharing them without being asked

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Me [lifting shirt]: I trust these will cover it Tattoo artist: what're you doing Me: paying you Tattoo artist: I'm confused Me: you know, tit for tat

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

what if gosh is short for goshua what then

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

If you ever get the chance to help a stranger, please take it. There's no telling how they'll end up helping you too. Hope may be abandoned, but it can always be reclaimed.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

If he doesn’t pardon Joe Exotic I say impeach him a third time.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Man: *leaves snarky reply on a woman's tweet* Woman: *responds with a snarky reply* Man: *accuses her of not understanding sarcasm* *questions the validity of her statement* *insults her manners* *insults her intelligence* *insults her appearance* *insults her character* *insu—

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

dog: i have to pee me: for real? dog: yeah i gotta go me: alright *lets dog out* dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes* me: *lets dog back in* [5 minutes later] dog: lol you're not gonna believe this me: you have to pee dog: i have to pee lol

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

9 months

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Did you know Bradley Cooper wrote, directed, sang, acted, built all the sets, sewed the costumes, became an alcoholic, and grew Lady Gaga from scratch for the movie "A Star is Born?" Amazing.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Might fuck around and print out a bunch of Google photos of positive pregnancy tests and tuck them under random windshield wipers down at the Super Walmart with notes saying, "WE NEED TO TALK"

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

If you poop while doing crunches they're called shit ups thanks for following

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you... NEVER. AGAIN.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

A suspicious death in Middle Earth is called a Mordor Mystery

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Men are lucky. Multiple chins? Grow a beard. Weak jaw line? Hide it with a beard! Alien parasite that lunges forward when you open your mouth? Look at that glorious fuckin beard.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Twitter is 14 this year which explains the fucken attitude round here

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

what's the past tense of seesaw is it seensaw or sawsaw

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Anxiety: are you sure? Me: 🤾‍♂️ 🤾‍♂️ 🤾‍♂️ 🤾‍♂️ 🤾‍♂️ 🤾‍♂️ Conclusions

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

I'm just a: ⚪️ creep ⚪️ weirdo 🔘 all of the above Who wants a: ⚪️ perfect body ⚪️ perfect soul 🔘 all of the above And wishes I was: ⚪️ special ⚪️ so fuckin special 🔘 all of the above

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

@noctilucarum @roxiqt 😂😂 she kept crying and saying, "when did I eat a fork? I don't remember eating a fork!"

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

I cried tonight because I feel like a failure... A failure of a mother because in spite of working hard all week and every weekend for the last year, I can't seem to keep up. I cried in front of my teenager. He told me I'm a good mom and hugged me. In the end, that's all I need.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

7 months

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can't talk long Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

@120yearz

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

I made a mental health appointment for tomorrow. Tell me you're proud of me.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

In 2 short days, Shakira's and J-Lo's Halftime Show ruined my family. My oldest son became a pimp. He now runs an 8 girl crew on the street. My middle son can't stop sneaking into strip clubs. My youngest dropped out of 2nd grade to watch porn on his Kindle Fire. God help us all.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

1 month

I wish my abs were as hard as the rest of my life

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

just found out my turkey has already been stuffed by Pete Davidson

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 months

My youngest has decided to start playing the trumpet. Thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Get rid of anyone who doesn't think you're gorgeous exactly as you are, with or without the makeup and hair dye, anyone who can't embrace your piercings or tattoos or stretch marks or birth marks. You don't need that bullshit negativity in your life. Show me your gorgeous faces.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Date: I find you unreasonably captivating Me [blushing]: maybe because I'm a siren Date: oooh but I haven't even heard your call yet Me [seductively parting my lips]: WEEEYOOOWEEEYOOOWEEEYOOO

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Who called it honey and not beenut butter?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

I think I'm buying a house without being in an emotionally abusive relationship for the first time in my life and I'm doing it ON MY OWN LIKE MY EX SAID I NEVER WOULD CAN I GET A W IN THE CHAT

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

1 year

@ask_aubry I work at a hospital and trust me that nurse was just trying to make you feel better about your tolerance for pain

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Idk who needs to hear this but Dr Dre isn't a very good doctor if all his beats are sick

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Middle aged single men at the grocery store be like: -ice cream -ice cream -frozen cream puffs -potato chips -milk -chocolate milk -chocolate milk -frozen pizza -hungry man dinner -lemonade -BEER -bagged... salad?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

They say women are the needy ones but you don't hear about anyone out there mail ordering husbands...

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

8 years

They should make a sister store to "Forever 21" called "So Now You're 35" where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

My teenage son just gave up his seat in the barber shop so an elderly man with a broken arm could sit down while he waits, in case you were losing your faith in humanity.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Ok so hear me out... A filter that makes it look like your room is clean when you take a selfie.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 months

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Straight Men: for my birthday I'd like sex Also straight men: for her birthday imma give her the gift of sex with me

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

I’m five feet tall. I’m not a cougar I’m a bobcat.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

[video rental store] Me: Do you have any Devito? Clerk: is Pesci ok?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

[meeting new people] Them: hi I'm Mark and this is Emily. Me: nice to meet you! [30 seconds later] Me: I'm sorry, Mook and Ooblie? Was it?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

11 months

@unclephiltweets @chincha33 Trust me, that woman ain't in marketing. 😂

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Real women have curves Real women are thin Real women are firm Real women are soft Real women give head Real women shouldn't Real women rock heels Real women wear Chucks Real women speak up Real women pick their battles STOP TEARING WOMEN APART BY TELLING US WHAT REAL WOMEN DO

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

Me: What’s for dinner? Shawn: Prawns Shaun: Prauns Sean: Preans

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

I am a(n): ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 80's pop-rock icon Holding out for a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 hero Who's gotta be: 🔘 strong 🔘 fast 🔘 fresh from the fight

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

I was talking to a friend and my phone changed JFC to KFC and he jokingly asked if that stood for KEANU FUCKING CHRIST and needless to say, it does now

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 months

A dating app for singles with no game called Fumble

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

I'm headed to Target; anyone want me to pick up $150 worth of shit you don't need?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Middle-aged White guys on Bumble be like: I love ROCK CLIMBING and VOLLEYBALL I like taking MY BOAT on the LAKE I like ART I speak JAPANESE I'm a BIRD DAD I don't DRINK Or SMOKE Or DO WEED I'm A WINNER WINNERS don't do DRUGS I like MISSIONARY SEX IN THE DARK and JUDGING PEOPLE

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

7 years

Welcome to Twitter. Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Can we stop screwing around and make turn signals that will automatically turn off after a quarter of a mile if no turn is made? We have the technology.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 months

I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be comfortable. I want to be safe.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

What'd you all get for Christmas? I'll go first: I got engaged

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

My boyfriend wouldn't stop spending money on pre-renaissance art so I dumped his baroque ass

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

I took my son out for milkshakes and on the way home we passed a free end table that someone had set on the curb so I pulled over and asked him what kind of shape it was in and this boy says to me I dunno it looks like a rectangle and I AM NOW DECEASED

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

9 months

People think I'm being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke's on them because I'm about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

Who called it morning sex and not alarm cock

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 months

@roastmalone_ Sorry I can't come in to work for the next 8 weeks I've been depressed and I'll be spending the summer at the ocean you can't fire me I have a doctor's note

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

body: time for bed brain: agreed bladder: no complaints here brain: ok it's settled then lower intestine: lol guys you're not gonna believe this

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

Dancing after 30: What the fuck am I pointing at?

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

2 years

An older man complimented me today on the color in my cheeks from “enjoying this beautiful day” ty sir I am day drunk

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Oh you like sex? Name all 2 positions.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

8 months

The Three Wise Men are like the single, kid free uncles at a kid's birthday party who bring gifts that aren't age appropriate or hand out money.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

6 years

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

New jeans, same tired old ass 😏

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Instead of asking us if we're still watching, Netflix should offer us encouragement like: - You've binged 4 episodes! - Look at you go! - Don't forget to stretch! - Are you ready for a snack break?! - You can do this! Time to hydrate!

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

Lady Gaga singing the anthem like ra ra mamama ah ah-mericaaa

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 months

I'd cuddle the fuck out of you, Motherfucker

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

4 years

My ex boyfriend once complimented my boobs mid-sex, and I replied "thanks, I grew them myself" in case anyone had any doubts about how fun I am in the bedroom

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

3 years

Checking my new followers like...

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Helleanor Rigby

@Mom_Overboard

5 years

Eye doctor: for the last time, you are not colorblind Me: oh yeah? [crossing my arms] tell that to all the red flags I've ignored

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