matt @MattsBestTweets Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@zehavoc

@Logisticsau

@YAlrby40407

@tawatawara

@RLEsports

@Charles_Leclerc

@ZMWZAR

@axelspringer

@nabilfikran10

@Kari_Squared

@SThttdORMY

@phaverapp

@SuperStarSanto6

@aPureGangster

@trey_uno1

@The_Redwoodsman

@onslayici

@blnc_mur

@ilaw_

@KorsunskySergiy

@insideloc

@jasonhartelius

@InferixGPU

@amjdamen

@EthCC

@carriecousins

@ZHmyd29819

@_OwenM_

@iiscbangalore

@Kevinindra23

@The_Mexinadian

@ProteasMenCSA

@Asukatji

@bokeplokalmalam

@kurimuii

@Iromg

matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Just found out Australia has some theme park called "movie world" and some guys job there is to do the Austin Powers dance. Probably multiple times a day.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

tik tok is so cool

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

9 months

One of my friends once drunkenly asked some ladies "do you want to see a magic trick?" and when they said "sure" he started pissing his pants. Its been over 10 years since that happened and I don't think I'll ever laugh like that again.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

Had an idea for a fried chicken restaurant with a "just the skin combo" which means you could order just the fried chicken skin. They'd throw the rest of the chicken into an alligator pond behind the restaurant. Every franchisee has to install a pond. Kids would fall in sometimes

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 months

Ran into the cute girl from work again who lives in my building. Last time she saw me smoking darts and this time we were both in line at the grocery store and she could see my basket was just hot dogs and energy drinks. She probably thinks I'm the dumbest guy on earth.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

Me: hey check out this video of a person eating garbage haha pretty wild My mentions: it's actually perfectly safe to eat garbage, I've eaten garbage before, and I think garbage tastes good

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

This is one of the worst things I've ever seen so now you have to look at it too

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

@tom_on_here I can't believe he didn't warn everyone walking on the street!!!

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

Man I just laughed at this tik tok for like 5 minutes and it's not even supposed to be funny

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

There's a statue in my town of a guy feeding hogs a bucket of slop

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

shout out to everyone in my mentions who has admitted they like eating packing peanuts 🤙

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

Lady's group DMs: fuuuuuck I want the Pillsbury doughboy to eat my pussy Guys DMs:

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@getfiscal Smoking raises the chances of the baby being born cool

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

@grgdwyr look, buddy, if you go 100k days without eating avocado toast (a mere 2857 years) then you could buy the house

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

11 months

Got some vaccines. I like when the person says "ok wait here for 10-15 minutes" and I say "ok" and then immediately walk out

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 months

The Japanese got it figured out

マクドナルド

@McDonaldsJapan

7 months

どんな理由でも構いません。平日の朝マック®、お待ちしております。

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

9 months

Chasing the Grinch across the snow and shooting at him from a helicopter like in the thing

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Polish people rock

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 months

You're welcome for the free houses, crabs. Look at how easy we made it for you. Humans are saving the planet.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

the worst genre of movie is "romantic comedy" and the best genre of movie is "Chinese warrior kills 1000 guys with a bendy sword"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

9 months

@Limited__Alex Extremely good bit

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

my favorite part about NFTs is seeing people use words like "assets" and "my portfolio" in reference to their mspaint drawings

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

When I was 16 I had a job where we went door to door bothering people, basically, and one day our boss did a bunch of coke and kicked a kid down the stairs at the office. Then he threw like 2 grand in cash on the kid and said "don't tell anyone" We were all so jealous of that kid

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

@bobby It's bullshit that this person has a book but when I did this in 10th grade English I got a D+

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

the weird kid at work sent a department-wide email in response to the news our coworker had her baby saying he wanted to "add to the good news" and his email was about how there's a new grocery store opening by the office

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@intellegint not as bad but one time I was gone for two weeks on a business trip and when I got back ants had infested my computer. So as soon as I turned it on and started moving the mouse around thousands of ants started pouring out on the desk.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

it would be sick to chase the Grinch across a field on horseback and catch him in a big net like planet of the apes

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@CanadasHost you wouldn't understand it unless you work in a restaurant.....

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

hello i need $150 to buy a pretend axe so i can chop pretend wood. its a full body work out.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

9 months

Reading a book about the crusades and there was a story about this nobleman who got dysentery so bad they had to cut the ass of his pants off because he was shitting so bad. History is so cool.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

You know what to do dude. Metallica.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

My dad was telling me that growing up they ate something called "boiled dinner" in New England and I've been thinking about it a lot. It looks and sounds so bad.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

@jimpjorps check this one out

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

What I'm most looking forward to about being elderly is falling down and everyone gasps and pays attention to me

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

Saw a kid who was like 12 slip and fall in the street and I said "are you ok?" And he told me to shut the fuck up. Ok I will sorry

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

@bobby Garfield loves spaghetti bro

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

BTK killer. We all know what the initials stand for. I don't have to remind you. Ok lets all say it on three. One, two, three: Burger The King

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

11 months

@TOS_Violator When I walk through a door I think "hey this is a whole different place than where I just was" and then I start to foam at the mouth and my eyes roll back into my skull

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

i think the biggest mistake most people make when they watch sports is they get emotionally invested in outcomes instead of simply enjoying the spectacle of, say, a man from rural Canada with a 62 IQ smashing another guy so hard part of his brain comes out of his nose

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

10 months

I'm at 7-11 to buy some vices and this drunk guy in front of me said "free Palestine" to the cashier. And the cashier said "I'm Indian" and then the drunk guy said "free fuckin Palestine"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@dangerousneil it's fun for me when people yell about dumb shit

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 months

@eightfoldpathPM Damn what a good day

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

@EMlNEMOBAMA I'm sure CrackerJap (I'm half Japanese) would go over well today

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

Motioning for the cute Australian girl at the gym to take out her headphones so I can ask if she's listening to digeridoo music

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

Sounds great thanks for the recommendation netflix

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

15 piece mcnuggets...its so simple. 20 is too many but 10 isn't enough. Japan is so much more advanced than us

マクドナルド

@McDonaldsJapan

3 years

ハイ❗みんな注目❗❗ #15 ピース390円は本日5/18(火)まで❗今日は #チキンマックナゲットを買って帰って、家族みんなで楽しもう😋

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

10 months

@ByYourLogic Israeli soldiers aren't trained on object permanence

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

At the grocery store today some guy saw me using my reusable bag and he goes "do you know those are worse for the environment than regular bags?" - first of all no one said you could talk to me, second: I don't care. But what I actually said was "wow ok"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 months

@Limited__Alex You think so?

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

Didn't lock my apartment and when I got back some dude was just chillin there. Looking at my shit. Very cool.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

this is my dream life

Tatsuya Tanaka 田中達也

@tanaka_tatsuya

2 years

“��ック”ドナルド

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@PeteBlackburn I think he deserves a second chance in that he should be able to get a normal job and live a normal life, but I don't think he deserves a second chance to make millions of dollars as a pro athlete.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

@tom_on_here Oh yeah he called them the R word lol

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

ana

@heluvvsana

3 years

what do MEN write in the notes app?!?! 😳

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

local bowling alley rated one star

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

@getfiscal As a single person making only 180k a year this really resonates with me

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Got my old job back and they're paying me way more money and also I don't have to start until March so I guess I'm on vacation now. Solved all my life problems easily.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

The thing I remember most about January 6 last year is that I got dominos that day and it got here super fast. And it was a good deal that day. Less than $25 for everything. Also the riot happened and I watched stuff about that while I ate pizza and wings.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

The Order on Netflix is so fun to watch, and you can see my friend Adam be a really cool character and also watch him drink beers and eat ribs. Not saying any more spoilers.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 months

I have a confession. When I get really fucked up on drugs or alcohol I like to post "I just read from the Tome of Knowledge" or something like that on here. I think it's so funny. Sometimes I say it in real life and my friends say "what the fuck are you talking about"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

11 months

Oh my god bro the pharmacy just called me. They said "Are you still here? Did you wait 10 minutes? We gave you dog medicine to see what would happen. Guess it worked on you because you're a piece of shit"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

@bobby ok but now they have two bags? how is that stupid? you can store twice as much stuff now

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

Sponsored by pop tarts now they send me free pop tarts every week and pay me $69000 a year

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

One like and I pull the trigger

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

the thread for people who collect action figures is good

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Hot dogs that come in a pack of seven is unhinged. What the fuck is this

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

@shrimp_delight One of my friends in college only ate: hot dogs, fish sticks, chicken nuggets/tenders, or hamburgers and his wedding was the first time I ever saw him eat something that wasn't that.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

i think about these Roman slingers all the time

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

seeing if i can drink a big beer before the lyft driver gets here and they take me to another house to drink beer inside of

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@dwayne_media damn...so true. I'm going to like and share these tweets with the other kids at my high school.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

fuck. My trip to Tokyo is RUINED

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

Good enough. I even have guitar music like the Chinese guy this time

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

there's a rule I live my life by and you can remember it with the mnemonic device "ABBY" Always Be Bwashing Yourballs

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

10 months

@mrgracemugabe @ByYourLogic The brutal tactics of the IDF make a lot more sense when you understand that they think they're fighting the Predator

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

@mrgracemugabe i'm sorry that your culture is being disrespected like this

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

9 months

@ZeroSuitCamus she loves it when I *googling Ghibli movies* get spirited away

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

@jaketapper

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Getting sponsored ads for canned horse meat (whale flavor) now. Sounds pretty good to me

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

@Tom_On_Line @caleb_blog I love popular culture

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

this is really great advice

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 months

quit my job today, it felt so good to do. now i'm going to chill the rest of the week and then maybe next week i'll worry about the future. that's a problem for later.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

sick of the bullshit...what if I just took all these and you never saw me again

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

In my dream last night I was going to visit my friends in Canada and at the border the Canadian border guard person asked how I knew my friends, and I said "we were in ISIS together" and I wasn't allowed into Canada after that : (

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

My favorite part of this website is reading. 600 posts.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

There are three main types of kid in my neighborhood 1. Nerd kid 2. Bad kid who needs to be supervised better 3. Kid wearing a karate uniform and flip flops even though it's winter

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@bobby I think it's because they have rides, and it's fun to ride rides, but her idea is good too

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee ha ha

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

1 year

There's this 70+ year old security guy I work with who is always showing me his clash of clans village. And I say "that's great" and then he usually says something racist or sexist that has nothing to do with that clash of clan game.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

5 years

the archetypal nerd couple is a waifish male and a female several times his size. sort of like spiders.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

7 years

pregnant women aren't supposed to eat cold cuts because it makes your baby come out italian

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@intellegint only if my friends and I were living in a mansion without playstation

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

me when i'm rushing upstairs after family dinner so i can get back on the computer

Caleb Hull

@CalebJHull

3 years

Joe Biden just fell 3 times in a row trying to go up the stairs to Air Force One

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

Fuck baby yoda

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

@foucault_46 Its for a small cartoon animal to use to hit another cartoon animal with

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

3 years

One of my favorite things about my nespresso machine is that you can request a special bag to recycle the pods in and mail it back to them. I don't care about recycling I just think it's funny to send garbage through the mail.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

2 years

@caleb_blog Nah. You have "eating a fish skeleton out of the garbage" vibes. In a good way.

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

Thinking about when I had a big crush on a Catholic girl and I was considering becoming a good Catholic and going to mass and shit again, but then she became a nun. I mention this fairly often but I think it's one of the funniest things I've ever considered doing out of horniness

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

6 years

The state motto of Ohio is "I love pussy, and I'm about to bust"

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matt

@MattsBestTweets

4 years

L.L.Bean is short for "Live, Laugh, Bean"

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