I am a 22 year old college graduate with over 10 years of training, located in St. Paul, MN, and I am looking for my future wife for whom I can be a house/trophy husband.
Please RT, my wife could be on your TL!
@nob69691
@imawhateverr
@clhubes
Absolutely. Richest person I know doesn’t realize how rich they are because they aren’t even close to the richest person in their friend group.
When I was 4 I swung a wood baseball bat and hit my 2 year old sisters head, so I had to spend dinner with a neighbor while my family took my sister to the hospital to get stitches on her forehead. He made the best stuffing I’ve ever had in my life that night. My first memory
@JediJames_
@stablestrategys
Bo did a closer version of this joke in Words Words Words where he said ‘When I say "Hey!", you say "Ho!" Hey! (Ho!) Hey! (Ho!) That’s basically how Hitler rose to power’
@yvinthecut
@_holyshift
@Outkast
I know she’s not talking about “modern relationships.” As if relationships through history were only for love and the people didn’t stick together out of convenience?
@Ipmacdougall
They made him try to be the “hot guy” but he was so unbelievably boring that at the bars when girls were talking to him it was unrealistic
@NotSoEasyBreezy
@mimi2cents
@haniruok
My mom saves her PTO so hardcore I think she could take off 2 months right now. She works 50+ hour weeks, which means when she comes back she has a lot of a work to do/it gets put on her coworkers, and she doesn’t want that. Shame she doesn’t use the PTO she has more than earned.
@xonaoff
@redditships
I was thinking the same thing. If one week in she’s so bold to suggest pigeons... just wait til a month in.
On the other hand, the roommate could be playing the long con. She knew pigeons was a crazy request, so whatever request she has after it is gonna seems normal.
@ohshiitake
@REDSEASHAWTY
I feel this. It’s not like I haven’t been taught, my brain just chose to completely space out during that time and remember nothing
After 7 1/2 years and 25.5 thousand tweets on this godforsaken site I finally got a tweet with over 200 favorites. My life is so empty, nothing means anything, and we’re all going to die alone
My gf just called me crying because the car in front of her hit a bird and she pulled over to check on it and didn’t know what to do. I am in Miami and drunk what can I do why did you call me I love you tho
The amount of people in the comments calling the neighbor an asshole for just asking his upstairs neighbor to not stomp around about as politely as you can… you people are miserable, narcissistic dickheads
One of my sisters plays D1 hockey out East, the other one just got nominated for the ExCEL award for her excellence in volunteering, education, and sports, and here I am 22 years old living at home and consistently drinking enough I don’t remember how I fell asleep
There is a rumor going around that my black eye was not caused by me protecting my grandma from being mugged at gunpoint and instead being caused by a softball I threw ricocheting off a wall and hitting me. These rumors are false. My grandma is safe due to my heroism
My dad lives close to his office, so he decided to go home, shave, and switch costumes multiple times throughout the day to be different iterations of Walter White
Mr. Lambert
The Cook
Heisenberg
Science Teacher Walter White
I feel bad when I see girls dressed up really nice for the bars cuz I know they prolly took like an hour to choose the right outfit and do their makeup when all I did was spray myself with Febreze and stuff a tube sock down my pants
My sister just got a Range Rover from college for free to “get to the hockey rink and back” smh if I knew being D1 meant perks like that I would’ve hit the weight room in high school
My mom asked me to get her a beer and a bottle koozie and I was like that’s dumb why would you need a koozie you’re in the house and that’s when I discovered that koozies are meant to keep beer cold not just hide from cops you’re drinking alcohol
Ladies, many men will be too busy to reply to you tonight as Call of Duty comes out. I will not be busy. Pick me. Choose me. I’m not like these other men I only have a Wii.
#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth
1 year ago today I opened my The Wimpy Kid Do-It-Yourself book from 6th grade and came across this page. It’s when I realized I had been suffering by myself for too long, and finally got the courage to talk to my parents about getting a therapist.
I have no clue who this man is, but every time a work anniversary or promotion happens, he’s always there to hype me up. Thank you, Igor, for being my rock.
This is a very normal breakfast I will not let you internet heathens convince me otherwise when I’m certain the most nutritious breakfast meal you’ve ever eaten is pop tarts
How is Papa Murphys still in business. Their business plan takes the worst parts of fresh pizza (having to go and pick it up) and frozen pizza (having to bake it yourself)
Lost my phone this weekend. Got a new one that only recovered 2000 of my photos. Didn’t recover any from my trip to Australia or senior year of college. Luckily though, I did recover 500 pictures of my ex! Life is a cruel mistress
If they keep making movies about kids in high school “finding the one” they should also make follow up movies where they go to separate colleges and cheat on each other the first weekend apart
I’m starting my first day of big boy work tomorrow after a long, and enjoyable summer off. I sent out at least 150+ applications over the course of my senior year, and would love to share the lowlights:
Yes, I am the man who utilizes the butt end of the bread. The unsung hero, champion of the common man. I seek no reward or praise, just knowing you all know I am out here doing the world’s dirty work is enough for me
My cousin asked me if I wanted to go to the Twins game tonight and I told him I couldn’t because I kinda have a date. 30 minutes later my mom gets a call from my grandma asking who the girl is. Why does family gossip spread like wildfire
I like to compensate for all the extra calories I drink on Saturday nights by not eating until 5 the next day because I’m too busy writhing in pain on my couch
@jagibbs_23
Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it around. Kyle Pitts will turn it
These days it’s just a constant cycle of working, thinking about all the problems in the world, thinking about how I can make no significant impact towards fixing any of these problems, and then shutting down mentally and going on Twitter. Occasionally also watch sports
When I drink I always forget to look at my phone so really me getting drunk is a healthy way for me to reduce screen time and in the long run save my eyes
Every single one of my female friend’s boyfriends hate me and I don’t understand why. Just cuz I flirt with them and shit talk you constantly dude doesn’t mean you should hate me. Your insecurity is shining through
I remember during orientation at St. John’s they said “for some of you, this will be the most diverse place you have ever experienced” when the school is 88% white, man when I tell you I had to hold back laughter
If you think drinking copious amounts of alcohol every weekend almost a year after graduating from college is sad, well let me tell you one thing: I’m sad. Now let’s spiral.
What is your families weird Christmas tradition? My parents send my sisters and I on a scavenger hunt around the city to find our presents and we go bowling at night