ali segel @OnlineAlison Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

@KassidySha14940

@CarpizoPageFans

@kayli44192

@bundaismalah

@susnonwovens

@junko4711438954

@AirielBely13034

@FruitLover2345

@violet_mid

@keithehatters

@guy0039

@susnonwovens

@mister_struggle

@BinorRaja

@LuuNguyenQuynh1

@Adola60z

@yAhAa1900

@GUM_byon

@o_sheng_o

@janmpabonla

@Hvithakarl

@showmemore77777

@t_ichigo15

@RaquelS_xxx

@portoquinza

@PeacefulPasturs

@RETAJ4HOI

@LeksMateusz

@fxmacro

@MalachiMcc61837

@CueFast

@_Kdnz

@EagleNetworkApp

@eugenewei

@diivesart_ru

@itsu_ninaku

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Going on my first vacation w boyfriend does anyone have any tips/tricks for holding in ur shit for 8 days

2K

5K

138K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

9 months

I can’t explain it but God is in her face and in this song

philip lewis

@Phil_Lewis_

9 months

Tracy Chapman, who has not performed in public in years, performs "Fast Car" with Luke Combs at the #Grammys :

2K

33K

203K

334

8K

99K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 months

Send Jennifer Coolidge over just for fun

Page Six

@PageSix

5 months

Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Garner spotted arriving at Ben Affleck’s rental home amid his marital woes

177

114

2K

125

5K

89K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

How my mom thinks millennials meet

74

3K

87K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

I just ordered Indian food and my door dash driver texted me like “hey u didn’t order naan that’s a bad call.” I love him

177

1K

87K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 months

Sorry but do two rats run across the background

165

3K

81K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

Every time i see pics of people hanging out i feel absolutely batshit insane as if I’ve hallucinated a worldwide pandemic

102

8K

62K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Did Brady get his buccal fat removed

630

2K

61K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Don’t talk to me unless I’ve had my 13 hours of sleep, 20mg Prozac, 5mg adderall, large cold brew, and have taken two naps! It’s a 20 minute window each day. Good luck!

80

4K

59K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Are these the only two options

218

8K

56K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

We love abortion crow

who cares

@DianaG2772

2 years

What’s the opposite of a stork?

386

6K

50K

40

5K

48K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 months

Love next door

36

3K

48K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

8 months

Madame Web got my brain to such a weird place that my Oura ring thought i was asleep

39

1K

47K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Every time i watch shows like Selling Sunset I’m like hmm am i a girl? I’ve never dressed or acted like this

104

2K

46K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Pete Davidson and Jennifer Coolidge when

64

2K

39K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

How many times do they have sex gently

48

2K

33K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 months

Put on my duvet cover after washing it

20

711

33K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

11 months

Can’t stop laughing at this guess I’m an old person now

25

2K

30K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

8 years

This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen

2K

15K

28K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

i tried to get back with my emotionally and physically abusive ex boyfriend too! begged him actually! because he had isolated me from my friends, family, whittled away my self esteem, made me believe he was all i had, and then left. But cool article TMZ!

TMZ

@TMZ

6 years

Chris Hardwick and Chloe Dykstra Texts Show She Wanted to Reconcile After Breakup

241

30

103

91

5K

26K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Keanu Reeves’ happiness is the only thing everyone can agree upon

99

5K

26K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Ok genius idea- they should do Love is Blind but some of the people are just AI and you see if humans can fall in love with artificial intelligence

114

651

24K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

I ordered a $20 cameo from him once and got back a 1 hour 20 minute video filmed on a house boat

97

605

22K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Would hang this as a poster

287

2K

20K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Ur legal and he was totally appropriate with u? Cool own dork

New York Post

@nypost

3 years

EXCLUSIVE: TikTok user who matched with Matthew Perry on Raya at age 19 speaks out

629

36

332

145

571

20K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 months

Sabrina Carpenter looks like Hayden Panettiere playing JonBenet

96

1K

19K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Next thing you know you’ll be 36 and wanting to go to Vermont to see the fall leaves

117

634

16K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Let Sofia Coppola’s daughter visit her camp friends!!!!!!!!!!

19

730

16K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 months

She is married engaged divorced or pregnant every day

125

421

15K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 months

I realized why Jojo Siwa scares me and it’s bc she has magician energy

50

837

14K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

Me getting a job at Benihana

159

989

14K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

I do like that corona has normalized not having plans or friends

14

903

12K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Went to a small house warming tonight and showed up w one Diet Coke just for myself. Then ppl kept asking where the diet cokes were. Had to keep saying “no i stopped on the way to get one but only for myself.” Good first impression!

36

125

9K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

@JensenKarp Please walk into a police station and say “here are the shrimp tails General Mills wanted”

13

95

8K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

Sorry but this is hot I’m not gonna pretend it’s not

s

@youreinIcve

1 year

DID HE SAY “damn she’s right there” ???

430

4K

75K

21

277

8K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Me and my girlfriends after we eat and kill our husbands after sex

21

565

7K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Totally normal father daughter pic

260

122

7K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Give me a reality show where girls nap and just say nice things to each other in texts but repeatedly cancel plans

26

402

7K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

I wouldn't call my vagina a "small town" but ok

16

186

7K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Every time i get into bed I’m like damn i love this

14

1K

7K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 months

Why did i think Colin Jost was Rosie O Donnell

50

101

6K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

In an act of self-love, today i will be changing my Hulu password so the 30 men I’ve dated in the last who still use my account will now be blocked out of it

18

147

5K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Thinking about the time i dated a guy for 4 months, he took me on vacations, house hunting, & we met each others families, but he wouldn’t call me his gf so i ended things, we didn’t speak for 3 years, then randomly one day he Venmo’ed me one dollar

52

80

5K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

11 months

If u live in New York will u please adopt this dog. It is stupid cute. Or wherever Westchester is.

25

179

5K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

9 years

GODDAMNIT #LEMONADE EVERY LAST DETAIL

18

3K

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Yes i think CBD is helpful! Cunnilingus Before Dong goes in ginie hole

27

232

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

I was working in the lab, late one night

22

297

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

My favorite part of being a feminist? Hating dumb women :) :)

33

89

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

i adopted a one year old boy terrier named Ash frm the euthanasia list. So far he is very quiet, and just sits on my lap. He doesn’t know how to play or walk on a leash. I feel an affinity with that dichotomy a lot. Can’t wait to learn together. My Lil guy

81

34

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

All men should be put in solitary for podcasting!!!!!!!!

Stereogum

@stereogum

4 years

Fyre Fest's Billy McFarland placed in solitary confinement for launching podcast

84

284

2K

11

286

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

An essay by Dane Cook

6

91

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

8 years

How did I get fat? I ONLY eat garbage don't work out and have never had a drink of water ever

16

1K

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

7 years

You should still be able to pee at old apartments you’ve lived at

23

345

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

Ladies the standard does not have to be THIS low

5

85

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Fine I’ll bite what’s a salary

MarketWatch

@MarketWatch

6 years

By 35, you should have twice your salary saved, according to retirement experts:

2K

929

3K

20

347

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Hi everyone this was just a joke but glad it went viral and thanks for all the advice!

12

11

4K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

When they unmatch u on Raya

10

93

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Someone just told me you fall in love 3 times in your life: 1) your first love 2) the same person, over and over and over (your karmic lesson) 3) someone different, challenging, surprising, and right I feel like this is interesting and true! K bye

48

374

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

Do u ever go to bed early just to prevent yourself from having a 2nd dinner

91

145

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

A scene stealer

alex

@alex_abads

2 years

going to be thinking about this for eternity

60

3K

44K

1

79

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

🚨plz do not confuse gwenyths “diet” with wellness. only having bone broth and some veggies all day and working out an hour and doing sauna is disordered eating. Not health and wellness. Enjoy life & nourish and celebrate ur body. Give it treats sometimes. Thanks!🚨

10

254

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 months

Actually i just think porn has created an extensive divide between romance and sex- and men are no longer able to sexualize women they actually have feelings for bc they conflate sex w degradation - and so now couples are just partnerships and that’s why polyamory and open …

Magdalene J. Taylor

@magdajtaylor

6 months

On an individual level, of course it’s fine for a happy couple to not have sex. But on a macro level, the rise of sexlessness mirrors the rise of loneliness, friendlessness and overall more time spent alone and sad. These things don’t exist in a vacuum. For that reason, I think

23

22

358

32

234

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

After a breakup i took myself to Maui and i booked a horseback riding trip but didn’t realize it was a sunset couples group ride so it was me alone and 5 couples riding together at dusk. Huge moment for me.

14

32

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Whoever named the spider “daddy long legs” seems horny

12

168

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

2 years

Drew Barrymore shouldn’t have a talk show. She should have a travel show. I want to watch her experience the magnificence of the universe

38

182

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

7 years

Pixar I have a movie for u

UberFacts

@UberFacts

7 years

Iguanas can and do commit suicide.

37

369

1K

7

439

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Pixar never got back to me should i just animate my own show of bleak animal facts

18

478

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Always Sunny is still so funny

29

122

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

James is the Scott Disick of Vanderpump Rules (compliment)

13

200

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

I think if i ever met my dog’s birth mom I’d feel competitive

14

397

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

I SEE Selena Gomez. i hear her. I understand her.

4

527

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

If anyone needs a diamond necklace of the Pillsbury doughboy there is one at the Beverly Center

54

236

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Was just ROASTED by a stranger in the coffee shop whose dog was afraid of me. I’m wearing a long white dress and she was like “sorry, i think he thinks you’re a ghost or the vet.” Touché

21

98

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Normalize women who don’t want babies, just a smol dog or two, as a treat

7

179

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

someone just announced their engagement and my mom read about it and texted me saying "that girl teased you in elementary school for being blind in one eye and I will NEVER forgive her" and i appreciate my mom holding a resentment against one of my peers for the past 20 yrs

21

86

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

hulu has all the Olsen twins movies, im not there yet quarantine wise but I might be in a few weeks

18

181

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

8 months

With all due respect i think everyone involved in this situation is a dork

chase travel insurance it girl

@trevorshowvan

8 months

Wild story incoming. Last month, we had to cancel our Boston trip after I was hospitallized. As a result I had to use travel insurance to get my money back on our hotel, train, and restaurant reservations. Today I got this message from @tableboston

4K

10K

127K

36

30

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Once a guy was driving away from Starbucks with his coffee on the roof of his car so i waved at him and he rolled down his window and said “i have a girlfriend!” and as he drove off with his window open coffee spilled down into it. Pure bliss.

26

223

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

I’m verified bc a few years ago my friend matched w a girl on tinder who worked for twitter and i asked him to ask her to verify me and she did

11

28

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

3 years

Comedians did NOT sign up to be your hero. They signed up to date me, quickly move into my apartment, and air bnb their own so that they could make some money while they aren't getting writing jobs.

14

46

3K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

I am...without a doubt...HORNY 4 HUNTER. God bless America!

162

166

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

7 years

Ur stranded on a desert island and can only bring 5 things with u. What do u bring? Easy:

34

564

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

It’s insane that Raquel’s Jersey Mike’s order was a tuna sub w Mayo. Would’ve been first red flag for me #PumpRules

12

112

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

10 months

@KindaHagi The dog tag. She needs to be institutionalized

1

22

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 months

I started watching Mad Men for the first time and u r right this show is good

8

88

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

5 years

Just saw a pic on IG of the Brentwood farmers market and it was PACKED!!! Y’all are CRAZY!!! This is from today!!!!!!! STAY HOME PSYCHOS

135

213

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

6 years

Me on holidays when my family asks about my dating life

UberFacts

@UberFacts

6 years

89-years-ago, on April 18th, 1930, the BBC announced they had "no news" to report. Then they just played piano music.

44

2K

10K

4

291

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

Ppl talking about “another quarantine” honey i never stopped the first one

11

237

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

Omg my cold brew coffee delivery came this morning and i was just reviewing my doorbell footage from the day and wanna die

37

38

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

Me reading tweets about what working from home does to ur body

5

101

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

1 year

I just wrote “former blue check” in my bio and then a blue check appeared next to my name. I deleted it bc it weirded me out but… coding error? Will someone else try this

121

198

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison

4 years

weird that the best URL a URL place could get was Go Daddy

13

95

2K

ali segel

@OnlineAlison