Jackie Martling @JackieMartling Twitter profile | Pikagi

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Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

48,564

Followers

1,925

Following

834

Media

7,849

Statuses

dial (516) 922-WINE !

Bayville, Long Island NY

https://t.co/06HFmjzZIO

Joined April 2008

Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 months

unique & fun! send a personalized joke-packed video! * I like to read when I'm taking a shit. got me tossed out of Barnes & Noble. * cleaning the hairs out of a bathtub drain is like finger-fucking a robot. @KelpNate @OpieRadio @AnthonyCumia @friarsclub

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Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling – Bio, Birthday, Age, Video | Cameo

Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling on Cameo! Cameo lets you request a personalized video message for any occasion.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

today marks 21 Years, My Version of Sober. still a bit tough to believe. not drinking is easy, but wrapping my head around it? not so much. at some point the rafters I was swinging from were sure to give, so I let go & am still loving the trip down. warm thanks to all of you.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

today marks 19 years sober for me .. well, my version, no booze .. & the band is playing "Who'd Of Thunk It?" .. love it all, even the low, nasty cracks this Tweet will surely inspire .. what a long, strange trip it's been .. wouldn't change a second .. thanks so much ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

Gilbert. wow. owch. no words.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 months

.. had to suggest it.

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@Variety

Variety

5 months

Who Should Play John, Paul, George and Ringo in the Beatles Movies?

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 months

the mythology of the 1990-91 Channel Nine show grows & grows * but whatever tales were & are told, it remains some of the funniest & wildest TV *ever* @JohnFugelsang @friarsclub @OpieRadio @AnthonyCumia @1023WBAB @SiriusXMComedy @MarkSimoneNY @mcuban @danfor @sternshow @SIRIUSXM

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

@TheRichardLewis @artiequitter coming up to 18 years in May. in early 2001 I’d have laughed at the idea of not drinking for 18 *days.* Art, I know you know the laughs are just as hearty on this side. I love you and am of course 100% in your very crowded corner.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

may as well get this out there * well beyond anyone’s imagination, @HowardStern just sent me $500K & a warm note, thanking me “for what I contributed to his phenomenal rise.” I’m very shocked, very appreciative, & haven’t really processed it yet. @SIRIUSXM

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jackiemartling on TikTok

@jackiemartling 34.5k Followers, 41 Following, 234.6k Likes - Watch awesome short videos created by jackiemartling

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

1 year

nobody made me laugh harder. he shot from the hip and never missed. Pat Cooper, the Emporer of Planet Funny .. @UNCLEVINNIESCC @MarkSimoneNY @OpieRadio @Q1043 @AnthonyCumia @friarsclub @PageSixEmily @govscomedy @sternshow @SIRIUSXM @Newsday @1023WBAB @ItsLennyClarke @MikeSafo

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

@StephenKing Why’d the old man fall in the well? He didn’t see that well.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

20 years today, my brand of sober: no booze. tokes & jokes & wonderful family & friends have made the two dry decades *spectacular* .. so much love & gratitude to all .. @UNCLEVINNIESCC @OpieRadio @TheCumiaShow @JohnFugelsang @PinkTieOrg @1023WBAB @BeTerrificTV @MarkSimoneNY

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 months

thanks so much, Frank. no one laughed harder at each other’s jokes than Gilbert & me. scoring a Gilbert howl with one he’d never heard was one of the true joys of knowing so many dopey filthy jokes.

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@RealGilbertACP

RealGilbertACP

@RealGilbertACP

6 months

#GGACP celebrates the February 14 birthday of friend, comedian and former “Howard Stern Show” writer JACKIE “The Joke Man” MARTLING with this ENCORE of a sprawling, no-holds-barred conversation! Listen NOW at ! @JackieMartling @Franksantopadre @RealGilbert

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

Nicole Bass, one of a kind. a pal. on stage, Jimmy' Comedy Alley, 1988. very sad ... @philiazzetta @misstabstevens @artiequitter @sternshow

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

nothing comes close to the joy it was to trade jokes with Gilbert. sharing belly laughs & cackles every time we were together, it was always more than special. Denise, thanks for your always-great photos. @RealGilbert @Franksantopadre @friarsclub @denisereiss18 @MikeReissWriter

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

college kid: "Grandma, have you seen my LSD?" Grandma: "*Fuck* your LSD .. have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?" ** hey! today I'm 71! .. *how* the *fuck?* .. to pay me back for all these great (?) jokes, for my birthday, please play me on Alexa & Spotify & Pandora ?!

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 months

Al Lewis was always a total joy.

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@willmckinley

Will McKinley

3 months

Happy birthday to Al Lewis, who hit on my girlfriend when I was in college (and he was in his late 60s). My gf was flattered and I respected his game. #RIP

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 months

I love that you’re reposting these, Frank .. the joyous sounds of boisterous laughter never fails to boost the soul. okay, Jackie, shut up.

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@RealGilbertACP

RealGilbertACP

@RealGilbertACP

6 months

On this week's ENCORE #GGACP , our pal @JackieMartling revisits some of his favorite dirty jokes! Hear them all at ! @Franksantopadre @RealGilbert

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

The Legendary Jetty, with K-Rock General Manager Tom Chiusano looking out longingly .. at one of the JokeLand parties where cheapskate Jackie supplied beer & booze & weed, & fed lobster, shrimp, steak & clams to 150-200 people @TheCumiaShowPR @sternshow @artiequitter @OpieRadio

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 months

Michigan State, 1971. bought this classic '63 Stratocaster off the shelf, Hempstead Sam Ash (in 1963, the only Sam Ash on L.I.), for $239 including case. it's For Sale. interested? jokeland @aol .com @samashmusic @GuitarWorld @FiveTownsNY @SIRIUSXM @frankmackayhost @JohnFugelsang

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

gave this line to @RealGilbert for the @friarsclub @hughhefner Roast back in 2001 ... @PhilIazzetta @1023WBAB @JohnFugelsang @artiequitter

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

Dorothy Martling, 1920-1998 * a little kid, when my zipper was open, she’d point & call me “Ever-Ready Eddie” * her best: “If we had ham we could have ham & eggs if we had eggs.” * at Mich State, I’d get letters signed, “Love you when you’re in Michigan.” my Mom, Dot, in 1937 ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

Gilbert Gottfried, Jackie Martling & The Legendary Wid, after Jackie's show at the first "Caroline's," on 8th Ave., 1988 * @RealGilbertACP @OpieRadio @TheCumiaShow @friarsclub @CarolinesonBway @ComedyGovs @UNCLEVINNIESCC @LiveCasinoPHL @sidandfriends77 @MikeSafo @MikeReissWriter

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

R.I.P. Jackie Mason .. a true original, an undisputable genius * if not the funniest then certainly one of the funniest .. and smartest .. comics of all time * kvetch on, Jackie .. @Q1043 @MarkSimoneNY @friarsclub @TheCumiaShow @UNCLEVINNIESCC @1023WBAB @MikeReissWriter @Newsday

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

first dunk, 2021! Long Island Sound! @GovsRadio @TheCumiaShow @OpieRadio @MarkSimoneNY @bluejeanfood @BeTerrificTV @UNCLEVINNIESCC @Newsday @PinkTieOrg @friarsclub @1023WBAB @Q1043 @stevegorilla @JohnFugelsang @irenebremis13 @jaltucher @salgovernale @1023WBAB @Oglio @Hightimesmag

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

a very merry to all. what a great year, & next year looks to be even better .. love you if you're reading this & love you if you're not ...

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

Studio Thtr, Lindenhurst, 9:30p Sat Jul 23 (631) 226-8400 @JohnFugelsang @PhilIazzetta @artiequitter @Misstabstevens

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

1 year

by 1983, there were 10 rollover phone lines in my mother's attic (the first JokeLand), all going non-stop 24/7 * Rick Dees, L.A.'s top morning drive guy, told his listeners this was Tom Selleck's phone number, which didn't hurt * we were getting between 5-15,000 calls a day *

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

@artiequitter fan-Goddamn-tastic ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

God to Adam: "I've got good news & bad news. The good news? I've created something wonderful for you, called a pussy .. for pleasure, to help you relax & to reduce your tension." "Wow, that sounds *great.* What's the bad news?" "I'm putting a woman in charge of it."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

9 months

Our forefathers did without sugar until the 13th century, coal fires until the 14th, buttered bread until the 16th, tea or soap until the 17th, gas, matches or electricity until the 19th & without cars or canned food until the 20th. today I was complaining my computer's slow.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

to see the classic Channel Nine shows, 1989-1990, simply Google “Howard Stern - Channel Nine Show” .. forever stamped into our culture! @OpieRadio @TheCumiaShow @1023WBAB @rickdees @friarsclub @PageSixEmily @Q1043 @UNCLEVINNIESCC @GovsRadio @jjcomedy @News12LI @Newsday @SIRIUSXM

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

well, here I am at 71 .. and loving it! who ever thought any of us would weather the 60’s .. the very soggy & treacherous 70’s & 80’s .. & the unexpected crazy success of the 90’s .. the good news? I can still do it twice .. my favorite’s the one in the Fall .. much love to all!

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

the very first Long Island Music Hall Of Fame Awards Show, 2006. Billy Joel, Carmen Appice, Leslie West & me * they got inducted, I hosted with @BobBuchmann * in ‘86 Leslie, a monster on guitar & very funny, called into The Stern Show cold & I instantly knew it was really him.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

my autobiography makes a *great* Holiday gift! a snap to wrap! @AmazonKindle & @audible_com "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" Foreword by @artiequitter you'll laugh & cry & squirt diarrhea! please check out the reviews! @PhilIazzetta @1023WBAB @WorldOfRandi

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

Happy Birthday @RealGilbert .. I was going to get you something you need, but I didn’t know how to wrap a bath.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

9 years

Tuesday 4-6pm! don't miss it! sign up now! @TheCumiaShow @AnthonyCumia @TheRevBobLevy @Misstabstevens @PhilIazzetta

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

to wife: "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I'd take half & leave your ass." "Well, I won $12. Here's 6. Now *get the fuck out.*" ** 8pm Sat Mar 31 @studiotheatreli (631) 226-8400 @MikeSafo @David_Feldman_ @PhilIazzetta @artiequitter

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

a very merry 4/20 .. it’s a great day for everyone to start being kind to each orher .. & respecting each other .. & get stoned .. kind of like every day .. @OpieRadio @TheCumiaShow @PhilIazzetta @GovsRadio @TheIBang @JohnFugelsang @BenningtonShow @Q1043 @friarsclub @tonysirico

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

Jerry Stiller couldn’t have been more friendly & open & engaging & encouraging .. it was always sheer joy to be in his presence. of course he was so brilliant, on Seinfeld especially, I’d be singing his praises even if he’d swung an axe at me ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

Kim Kardashian had plastic surgery to have her love handles removed .. now she has no ears. 8p Sat Jul 22 Rrazz Rm New Hope, Clarion Hotel

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

"Alexa, play Burn Baby Burn by Jackie Martling" * An Audition * The European Vacation * The Admission Quiz * Good Samaritans * Canine Wisdom * Holy Matrimony * Butterfingers * Green Lights * Reincarnation * Barter * Calm Down * Dining Out * Friction *Waste * Quotes * Stud * Buzz

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 months

thanks so much ..

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@boxer_sacha

Boxer Stella (RIP Sacha)

7 months

@JackieMartling Read your book recently Jackie. Good stuff. Enjoyed your story and hearing the Stern stuff from another perspective.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 months

love you much, Billy .. the most talented fellow that ever was .. @iankarr

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@TheBillyWest

Billy West

2 months

@JackieMartling @friarsclub @UNCLEVINNIESCC @bluejeanfood @SiriusXMComedy @SIRIUSXM @PointPleasantCC @OpieRadio Go go go to see Jackie ( I know he’s the Jokeman but I think he’s a living legend) Martling!! You need a great laugh and he’s got em for you! 🥳

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

@JoJoFromJerz A "Mondegreen" is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase as a result of it sounding very, or even merely somewhat, similar, in a way that gives it a new meaning. it's most commonly applied to a line in a poem or a lyric in a song.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

(10 years ago:) Yikes, I got older, it isn't fair, where'd the years all go? I was born in '48, a Valentine, spent 6 decades wasting my time. But if I got laughs from 1000's or 3, who could ask for more? I'm just a Joke Man, a kind-hearted bloke, man, Who made it to 64 ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

conserve toilet paper now! @TheCumiaShow @ChrissieMayr @artiequitter @MikeSafo @bernieandsid @Q1043 @1023WBAB @MarkSimoneNY @PinkTieOrg @mariamilito @BeTerrificTV @bkpodstudio @UNCLEVINNIESCC @PhilIazzetta @thedirtyat1230 @JohnFugelsang @SFrankston @Frank_MacKay @ItsLennyClarke

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

killer show with the boys yesterday! thanks all! @ArtieandAnthony @artiequitter @Keiththecop @AliNotAlli @patdixon @LaughswithLarry @PhilIazzetta @PinkTieOrg @RitaCosby @Misstabstevens @WorldOfRandi @IWantMyLauren @BenningtonShow @chris_fasulo @ComedyGovs

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 months

I loved my turns on Gilbert & Frank’s podcast, I never laughed harder ..

@RealGilbertACP

RealGilbertACP

@RealGilbertACP

5 months

Thanks to the great @JackieMartling for one hell of a show tonight in New Hope, PA! You can catch the Joke Man next on Friday, April 5th at 8pm at The Boulton Center For The Performing Arts!

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

everybody is loving my boooook! @WillieNelson @FolkukeAmy @Q1043 @WOR710 @PhilIazzetta "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern"

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

priest to crying kid: "What's the matter, son?" "My dog died." "Don't worry, he's with God now." "What the fuck's God want with a dead dog?"

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

1 month

you potheads: if you’ve already listened to this, please listen again .. we both know you’ve long forgotten everything you heard ..

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@PotCultureMag

Pot Culture Magazine

1 month

#SecondSesh : Beyond the Jokes: Dive deep with Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling as he shares his comedy career, entertainment friendships, and evolving relationship with cannabis. Read more: 🌿🚀 #PotCultureMagazine @JackieMartling #StonerFam #Comedy

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

11 months

the best time I ever had doing a podcast. @bertkreischer was just a delight to talk to. didn't hurt he wanted to hear much of what I had to say. or that he called (516) 922-WINE when he was 10. laughed our asses off for two hours, promise you'll love this.

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Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling on Quitting Stern & Drinking |...

I sit down with comedian and Howard Stern alum, Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling. We talk about being friends with Rodney Dangerfield, his time on Howard Stern...

www.youtube.com

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

be sure to see @neilpberkeley @RealGilbert great doc @gilbertmovie Fri @IFCCenter 323 6 Ave, NY (212) 924-7771 @artiequitter @BenningtonShow

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

I presided over a wedding Friday .. I loved it .. and I’m hereby available .. interested? please call my officiating company .. “Knot Now” .. (516) 628-3741 .. thanks. @TheBrooklynBoys @PhilIazzetta @Oglio @JohnFugelsang @GovsRadio @laurenfrancesca @bernieandsid @MarkSimoneNY

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

back in 2014 I went to @PlazaLasVegas in downtown Las Vegas 2 days in a row and recorded well over 2 hours with Louie Anderson for his podcast. he couldn't have been more gracious, interesting & fun. a total delight of a man, he'll be missed by so many for a long time. @SIRIUSXM

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

9 years

"I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months." "You better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

1 year

Rumrunner, Oyster Bay, 1975

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@EndyYoung1

Knock Off The BS

1 year

@BrianKarem @JackieMartling I remember him when he was in Off Hour Rockers.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

Long Island Sound, last swim, November 10, 2020! The Gold Coast, ahh .. chilly, willie! forget shrinkage, it was a disappearing act .. please be smart & mask up & stay safe .. with love .. @PinkTieOrg @1023WBAB @OpieRadio @Newsday @MikeSafo @ComedyGovs

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

had a *terrific* time at JokeLand taping a few shows .. +!shot for the IKA Joke Man doc .. with @OpieRadio @MikeSafo @WestwoodOne .. gossiped about @stutteringjohnm @SiriusXMComedy .. please check out Opie’s podcasts! @bkpodstudio @DavidJCriblez @PinkTieOrg @BeTerrificTV @Newsday

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

5 years

once again, I joined @RealGilbert @Franksantopadre this time in the glorious company of @TheBillyWest *killer* @PhilIazzetta @PinkTieOrg @bluejeanfood @TheIBang @BenningtonShow @AlgonquinArts @UNCLEVINNIESCC @ComedyGovs @BeTerrificTV @DavidJCriblez

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‎Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast: Jackie Martling and Billy West on Apple Podcasts

‎Show Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast, Ep Jackie Martling and Billy West - Sep 15, 2019

podcasts.apple.com

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

Happy Birthday, PJ! huge congrats on all you’ve done .. your greatest accomplishment?sharing it all with the most delightful & lovely Emily .. such a life highlight to have you as a pal .. @pennjillette @EmilyJillette

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Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

bank robber to hostage: "You see me rob the bank?" "Yes." shoots him. to 2nd hostage: "You see me rob the bank?" "No, but my wife did."

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Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 months

come in out of the cold!

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 months

7pm this Sat, Jan 20th @SoulJoels Pottstown PA * w/ Rich Harkaway * constipated in German? Farfrumpoopen * kosher Tampon? a Tightwad * @Q1043 @AnthonyCumia @OpieRadio @MarkSimoneNY @PinkTieOrg @PottstownTrojan @bluejeanfood @pottstown @SiriusXMComedy

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Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

My other half & I were talking about relationships & I agreed, “Yeah, I’ve had lots of girlfriends over the years.” She said, “But you saved the best for last.” I said, “Yeah. I can’t wait.” (texting from the Glen Cove Hospital Emergency Room) @MikeReissWriter @David_Feldman_

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

A guy moves next door to a porn star & goes on a date. Next day he’s in the front yard mowing his lawn & the porn star says, “Hey, man, how was your date?” The guy says, “I only got to first base.” The porn star says, “Well, at least you got your asshole licked.” (516) 922-WINE

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 months

couple out to dinner: “Sylvia, it’s our 25th Christmas. What would you like? A diamond ring? A sable coat? A Rolls-Royce?” “Bernie, I want a divorce.” “I wasn’t planning on spending *that much.*” @MarkSimoneNY @1023WBAB @Q1043 @OpieRadio @AnthonyCumia @WillieNelson @friarsclub

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

The Hemporer.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

in 1981, the neighbors were about to shut down the very loud rock club "Barrymore's" in Levittown * one of the owners said, "We could start a comedy club." * someone else said, "I know Jackie, the guy with that jokes phone number." we opened to a packed house in Sept 1981 ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

teacher: "Mary, what does your father do?" "He's a lawyer. He defends people in court." "Harry?" "My Dad's a doctor. He helps sick people get better." "John?" "My pop's dead." "Umm .. I'm sorry .. what'd he do *before* he died?" "He turned blue & shit on the carpet."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

1 year

.. now *that’s* a real pal ..

@pennjillette

Penn Jillette

1 year

My buddy @JackieMartling - THE joke man, has a documentary coming out about his life. Check out the trailer and stream it starting July 18.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 months

1995. West Telemarketing, the mail order fulfillment firm in Omaha who handled the JokeLand CD’s & cassettes & tee shirts, unbelievably would no longer sell this CD a few weeks after its release because the operators out there were uncomfortable saying “pecker.” I kid you not.

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@OpieRadio

Opie Radio podcast

2 months

😂🤣🤣🤣 They're saying Pecker over and over again on all the cable news channels tonight.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

3 years

write your own caption * & yes, that’s Jack Casady (“The Jefferson Airplane” & “Hot Tuna”) up there between Howard Stern & Jenna Jameson.. on the corner of Hollywood & Vine! @TheCumiaShow @1023WBAB @MarkSimoneNY @friarsclub @PhilIazzetta @mariamilito @UNCLEVINNIESCC @jjcomedy

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

"Got my wife a Mood Ring. When she's in a good mood it turns green, she's in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on my forehead."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

pervert on phone: "Mmm ... I bet you've got a tight asshole with no hair ..." woman: "Yeah, he's watching TV. Who should I say's calling?"

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

the biggest boosts? when L..A. DJ @rickdees .. who had named me "The Joke Man" .. told his local & national listeners "516-922-9463 is Tom Selleck's home phone number" .. & in February 1983 when I started with "The Howard Stern Show" & @HowardStern told the listeners to call ..

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

I read that one out of every twenty people lives next door to a pedophile. Not me. I live next door to two gorgeous nine-year-olds.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

cop's staking out bar .. closing, guy stumbles out, fumbles for keys, finally gets in, 5 mins to get key in.. meanwhile all else leave & drive off .. guy pulls out, cop stops him, gives Breathalyzer, blows 0.0. cop: "How the fuck's this possible?" "I'm the designated decoy."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 months

a parody of “Light My Fire” by Fred Norris & Jackie Martling (Fred typed, I think I co-wrote). Ray Manzarek was a guest on “The Howard Stern Show” just after the release of Oliver Stone’s film “The Doors.”

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@TheDoors

The Doors

2 months

Check out some of the ways you all saw #TheDoorsInRealLife . What will you see next? Share your everyday run-ins with The Doors for a chance to be featured. Photos courtesy of Instagram users u/goebel__s, u/mystoo, and u/kalijimbo.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

goodbye, Dawn * Dawn Wells & Bob Denver were *incredibly* great sports when we did “Gag-Again’s Island” on The Channel 9 Show in 1989 * we got word that her & Bob were in AA but needed a drink after the taping .. @OpieRadio @TheCumiaShow @Q1043 @sternshow

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

father catches daughter w vibrator: "What're you *doing?*" "I'm 40, I'll never get married, this is my husband." Next day she walks into kitchen, father's holding martini & vibrator's buzzing in his ass. "Daddy! What're you *doing?*" "Having a drink with my new son-in-law."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

A guy says to the bartender, “You know, after my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for ten years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.” ** hop on The JokeLand E-Mail List, free jokes monthly .. drop a line, jokeland @aol .com

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

taped great podcast today! posting next week! @OpieShow @carlruiz @TimSabean 8p this Friday, Oct 5 with @stutteringjohnm @Suffolk_Theater Riverhead (631) 727-4343 @bkpodstudio @PhilIazzetta @MikeSafo @govscomedy @MarkSimoneNY @JohnFugelsang @bernieandsid

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

cops pull over 2 priests, come to window: "We're looking for 2 child molesters." driver looks at other priest, turns back: "We'll do it." ** 7p Thu Aug 9 w Tommy Gooch "Aunt Butchie's" Staten Island (718) 227-0002 @gooch_tommy @MikeSafo

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 months

in front of Spartan Stadium, 1971

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@JeffreyGSmith

Jeff Smith

8 months

@JackieMartling @friarsclub @David_Feldman_ @OpieRadio @KelpNate @SiriusXMComedy @RayBensonAATW @BenningtonShow @FolkukeAmy @JonathanScottLV @JohnFugelsang @AnthonyCumia Michigan State shirt duly noted, Jackie! 💚

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

FBI answers: "My neighbor Eddie Bingle's hiding marijuana inside his firewood." FBI raids house, goes into shed, chops open every piece of firewood, finds nothing. Eddie answers: "Did the FBI come?" "Yeah." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah." "Happy Birthday, pal!"

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

w Scott Alswang in Don's dressing room, 2011 @Alswang @observer @BorgataAC @artiequitter @PhilIazzetta @AnthonyCumia @JohnFugelsang @Q1043

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

9 years

priest to hotel clerk: "I hope all your porn channels are disabled." hotel clerk: "No, they're all *regular* porn, you sick fuck."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

Eric Trump yells across the river to Don Jr.: "How do I get to the other side?" Don Jr.: "You dumb shit, you *are* on the other side."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

bartender: "Why do you look at that picture after every drink?" "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I go home."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 months

mechanic works on snowblower, then to Eskimo: "Looks like you blew a seal." "Nah, it's just snot." * "Doc, I eat apples, apples come out. I eat bananas, bananas come out." "It's easy. Eat shit." * a pizza delivery boy's like a gynecologist .. he can smell it, but he can’t eat it.

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

7 years

4p Tuesday! @ArtieandAnthony @artiequitter @PhilIazzetta @Keiththecop @patdixon @3PeopleLikeThis @Misstabstevens @IWantMyLauren @WorldOfRandi @1023WBAB @SiriusXMComedy @ComedyGovs @UNCLEVINNIESCC @AliNotAlli @LaughswithLarry @David_Feldman_ @sternshow @BenningtonShow @AdamSandler

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

Why are more people violently opposed to fur than leather? Because it's a lot safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs ...

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

Kim Kardashian & Kate Middleton in popularity contest .. Kim walks on stage, takes off blouse & bra, flaps her tits .. Kate walks on stage, sits in chair, douches .. head judge: "Lady Middleton wins." Kim: "Why?" judge: "Royal flush beats two of a kind." (516) 922-WINE !

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

@JoJoFromJerz They hae slain the Earl O' Moray And Lady Mondegreen. The actual fourth line is, ‘And laid him on the green.' I decided that misheard lines & lyrics should hereafter be called ‘mondegreens,’ since no one else had thought up a word for them."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

4 years

doctor: "I’ve got bad news & very bad news.” "Give me the bad news first.” "I got back your test results, you’ve got 24 hours to live.” "*Jesus!* What could be worse?” "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.” free jokes monthly .. drop a line, jokeland @aol .com

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

old lady: "Alzheimer's is horrible. If I ever get it, I think I'll just shoot myself." husband: "You said that five minutes ago."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

to pharmacist: "I need to buy some cyanide to kill my husband." "Lady, I can't sell you cyanide to kill your husband. *You'll* go to jail, *I'll* go to jail, you're *crazy.*" hands him a picture of her husband fucking his wife. "You didn't tell me you had a *prescription.*"

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

2 years

@JoJoFromJerz recent day example: Jimi Hendrix “Purple Haze” “’scuse me while I kiss the sky …” “’scuse me while I kiss this guy …” (this became so well-known that sometimes on stage Jimi would actually sing “’scuse me while I kiss this guy …”

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

8 years

bends wife over table, fucks her in the ass. "Did you like that?" "I'd have liked it more if you waited until the kids were done eating."

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

What's the difference between Dracula & a government worker? Dracula does more during the day. ** my autobiography "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" Foreword @artiequitter @AmazonKindle @audible_com @PhilIazzetta @MikeSafo @David_Feldman_ @JohnFugelsang

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@JackieMartling

Jackie Martling

@JackieMartling

6 years

Happy Birthday @HowardStern .. *sincere thanks* for *everything* .. now let's save @artiequitter @TheRichardLewis @SiriusXMComedy @HBO @peteholmes @rqui @robertAbooey @BenningtonShow @GailAaann @JohnFugelsang @PhilIazzetta @SIRIUSXM @bernieandsid @Q1043 @jimmykimmel @jimmyfallon

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