Epiphora @Epiphora Twitter profile

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Epiphora

6 months

Every April Fool's Day since 2010, something weird has happened on my blog. Today: a delightful, hysterical, and in-depth look back at all my jokes, from whimsical and cute to bizarre and off-putting.

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Last Seen Profiles

@thatgts23

@TGANFT

@yurara607610957

@lkwell11

@IochdarSchool

@bungkus38367487

@sigmaowaysis

@eytlihasan

@bokeplokalmalam

@MuratKaradag_G

@master1o8

@s4es4erew0n

@KellyPerry11819

@bhatvakash

@_jeffmatthews

@roumujyoshinao

@oobokeooboke

@Caption_nasty

@Cah_TA007

@Merche0405

@thegoodprince

@maskimalatya

@KatrellWebb

@LlAlwlyd

@DidacSerra11

@Kyoko439319

@RepubsREvil

@DylanLall_

@osodeinsomnio

@MyTULIPSNV

@everyone_woo95

@O_Melhor_dos_7

@KamimuraDaichi

@yoongi_212

@legend78man

@AAIUSA

Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Vulvas are not vaginas. Sex is not shameful. Anything can be a "couples' sex toy." Kegel balls won't "get lost" inside you. Your vag cannot possibly break a glass dildo. Yes, there are people who use large dildos and powerful wand vibrators. There isn't one "BEST" sex toy.

Louie Mantia, Jr.

@Mantia

6 years

What‘s something that seems obvious within your profession, but the general public seems to misunderstand?

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Tumblr is about to ban "adult content," which brings up the age-old question: will social media platforms ever stop acting like sex doesn't exist? As a veteran sex blogger, I had some THOUGHTS:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Just masturbated for 3 hours, used 32 sex toys, and had 7 orgasms, because I'm extremely normal

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

URGENT MESSAGE FOR WOMEN: Today is International Women's Day. Please check your inbox for the many HIGHLY EMPOWERING ways you can ENGAGE IN CAPITALISM today!!!!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

It snowed. I felt compelled.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Fight your existential dread with orgasms. I'm giving away 10 sex toy survival kits to get you through this dystopian nightmare, each worth $400+! 💰 🗳 Enter to win on my blog now — and don't forget to pack your bug-out bag for extra entries!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Facebook can truly FUCK OFF INTO THE SUN

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Let me shower you with vibrators and dildos! 💦 I'm giving away 50 (!!!) sex toy prizes to celebrate my 14-year blogging anniversary! 🎁 Enter to win now:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

11 months

How can you find the sex toy of your dreams? With my help! This Black Friday, avoid analysis paralysis by consulting my list of tried and true faves — the rare sex toys that have risen above the rest in my collection of nearly 1,000. 🏆

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Portland protesters have drafted resignation letters for cops, which they fold into planes and fly over the fence that has been constructed around the Justice Center. 💯

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

"I'm looking for a vibrator for my wife" is the most useless phrase dudes say in a sex shop. As if I'm just gonna be like "no problem at all, sir, let me direct you to the one and only vibrator designed for WIVES."

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Uh. Wow. Wildflower named their sex toy "Enby" for clout, and now they're trying to SUE a Black- and trans-owned sex shop FOR USING THE WORD "ENBY." Excuse me???? That word is not yours?????

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

2 years

Recently a porn scene made me so emotional I almost cried. I want to tell you about it. 🧵

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

y'all I am losing MY ENTIRE mind

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

🔶 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY + REVIEW! 🔶 The Touch and Tango have been beloved bullet vibrators for a decade... are the new versions as good? The answer is: they're better. ENTER TO WIN YOUR OWN: 💄 Follow @Epiphora 💄 Like + RT this Open to US + CA. Ends 2/27.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Portland public schools will no longer have cops in them. 👏

Guadalupe Guerrero

@CEO_Guadalupe

4 years

The time is now. With new proposed investments in direct student supports (social workers, counselors, culturally-specific partnerships & more), I am discontinuing the regular presence of School Resource Officers @PPSConnect . We need to re-examine our relationship with the PPB.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

It's time for the first mini sex toy GIVEAWAY in my #dildocarnival , and you could win a $125 gift card to @HolePunchToys ! TO ENTER: 🍿 Follow me 🍿 Like and RT this 🍿 Reply with your all-time favorite carnival food Ends 10/12. All prizes & details:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Who's up for dildo ring toss?! In this giveaway in my #dildocarnival , you could win a tie-bright Vixen dildo of your choice, courtesy of @SheVibe ! TO WIN: 🍆 Follow me 🍆 Like & RT this 🍆 Reply describing your sex life in emojis Ends 10/17. More:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

These Titanic-themed sex toys are atrocious and two decades too late and I DON'T CARE I LOVE THEM. The fucking nipple clamps are called "I'll Never Let Go" and the anal beads are "My Heart Will Go On and On"!!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

🖤 VIBRATOR G I V E A W A Y 🖤 Because my top vibe of last year now comes in ALL BLACK! Come win a Volta courtesy of @funfactory_intl ! TO ENTER: ⚡ Follow @Epiphora ⁣ ⚡ Like + RT ⚡ Reply with the most goth thing about yourself ⚰️ Giveaway open to US entrants only. Ends 3/23.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Weird how none of the "let's close the orgasm gap!!!" marketing ever seems aimed at cis men, the primary people responsible for the orgasm gap 🧐

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Well this is very NOT TRUE. And infuriating to me as a sex educator. Don't let anyone ever shame you into believing this nonsense.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

2 years

Embark on a pleasure vacation 🌴🌊 with the largest sex toy giveaway I've ever done, featuring 80+ prizes and a grand prize package worth over $1,500! Get away from it all — with orgasms. 🍹 Enter now: (ends 11/5)

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

One hella good perk of polyamory: being able to ask your partner's partner for gift-giving advice

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Most satisfying ending ever, wow

relationships.bsky.social

@redditships

5 years

My [38M] girlfriend [32F] of 3 years owns a pornstore/strip club. I want her to sell it before I propose.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

2 years

Constantly in awe of the fact that orgasms exist, cost nothing, feel sublime, and I can conjure them whenever the fuck I want ALL BY MYSELF

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Why give someone flowers when you can woo them with a TENTACLE DILDO

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

9 years

Whenever a dude yells "that will make me obsolete!" about a sex toy, narrow your eyes, pause, and say very seriously: "Yes, yes it will."

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Uh dicks do not have rotational motors

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Me on my deathbed, feebly typing on my phone as I take my last breath: "yes, silicone sex toys can be stored together without melting"

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

I've been invited to a sex party called Pumpkin Spice Orgy and one of the lines in the invitation reads, "Spin the Lube Bottle will start at 9:15, we're too old to stay up until 6am again"

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

I asked my tax consultant whether I can write off porn as a business expense and she said I totally can, so IT'S ON NOW

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

🏆 GIVEAWAY! 🏆 Which self-thrusting sex toy will cross the finish line first in a live race? Guess correctly & you could win one! TO ENTER:⁣ 🏁 Follow me 🏁 Like & RT 🏁 Reply w/ the toy you think will win (L to R: Drei, Eins, G, Surf) Live race 10/29.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

My blog is valid and I am a good writer My blog is valid and I am a good writer My blog is valid and I am a good writer My blog is valid and I am a good writer My blog is valid and I am a good writer Repeat until sentiment feels more true.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Did I lug these dildos 2,543 miles across the ocean just for these photos? Yes. Did they almost wash out to sea while I was shooting? Also yes. I wanted pics of them in their natural habitat, OKAY?!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

THIS is why where you shop for your sex toys matters. There are businesses, and then there are true feminist businesses who give a shit about their employees.

Smitten Kitten

@SmittenKittenMN

6 years

Smitten Kitten is closed today due to dangerous cold! Our staff are paid an hourly wage and will miss work hours. Extreme weather events are becoming more commonplace and it is now our policy to pay our staff for missed shifts due to weather-related closures. #polarvortexpaycheck

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

There was a cunnilingus class at work last night and afterward, a DJ Khaled song came on our stereo. I skipped that shit SO FAST. LET IT BE KNOWN, ONLY PRO-CUNNILINGUS MUSICIANS WILL BE PLAYED IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

This vulva emoji is gonna change my world

Emojipedia

@Emojipedia

6 years

✅ Approved in #emoji12 : Oyster

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

🎪 SEX TOY GIVEAWAY! 🎪 Wanna win a $125 gift card to @ShopSpectrum and a handful of tiny dildos from @FunkitToys ? TO ENTER:⁣ 🎲 Follow me 🎲 Like RT this 🎲 Reply with guess on how many tiny dildos are in the jar Ends 10/19. All prizes & details:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Can I just buy everyone a therapist for Christmas

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

New post! Ever heard the words "buzzy" and "rumbly" to describe vibrators and thought, "wow, I have no earthly idea what that means"? Now I have SCIENCE and VIDEO to explain the difference!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Hi I got riled up and wrote 3,000 words about how our sex toys shouldn't poison us, please enjoy and tell your mom

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Stop and look at how gay and perfect this rainbow harness is!!! 🌈 Obviously you already need the harness, but you'll need it more when I tell you why. (Model is my sweet thang @aeriesroom , dildo is the nicely-angled @FuzeSilicone Alpha.)

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

I'm the Oprah of sex toys today as I'm spending the day selecting all ~100 winners of my huge sex toy giveaway. Exhausting but rewarding!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Me: *casually tweets something* A Man on the Internet™: excuse me, you have phrased this in a way that makes me uncomfortable and I shall now spend eight more tweets convincing you of how very wrong you are

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

CN: pet loss I'm going to be stepping away from social media and my blog for a time. My sweet baby Boris has cancer and I need to spend as much time with him as possible. 💔 I'm not comfortable sharing details — if you'd like, I'd love to hear about how Boris brought you joy. 🌈

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

1 year

On this day 15 years ago, I hit "publish" on my very first blog post. I was oblivious to the weird and wild future that lay ahead of me. How could a person make a career out of a BLOG? Especially one about something so *gasp*? Well, I managed to, and that's because of you. 💖 🧵

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Oh I'm sorry, does having sexual interests make someone MURDERABLE? Fuck OFF

New York Post

@nypost

5 years

Killed backpacker Grace Millane was into choking, BDSM: court evidence

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Uh. You can't call a category of your online store "Luxury Dildos" then fill it with jelly shit that's going to burn my genitals off. Thought that was obvious by now. Guess not.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

HOLY SHIT I'M FUCKING VERIFIED ON TWITTER I'M SCREAMING IT'S MY DREAM COME TRUE

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Hand-cranked vibrator from 1905! Surprisingly rumbly! @FunkitToys demonstrating on my hand. #SFS18

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Can I get a top who just murmurs "you're queer enough" while having their way with me?

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

✨ These claw machine prizes are VIBRATORS! ✨ I'm giving away the @wevibe Sync (blue) & Rave! TO WIN:⁣ 🕹️ Follow me 🕹️ Like & RT 🕹️ Reply w/ toy of choice (Sync or Rave) & tag a friend — you may do this multiple times! Ends 10/28. More: #dildocarnival

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Masturbating like it's 1925 as I test out several antique vibrators, one of which screws into a freaking lightbulb socket for power (!!!):

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Yesterday this beautiful creature, my girlfriend, got married! I love you, @aeriesroom , and I'm so happy you've found another human who loves you like you deserve — and wholeheartedly accepts my role in your life as well. 💖 #polylove #epipherie

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 months

Some people throw sticks for their dogs to chase. Me, I toss miniature dildos on the floor to occupy my cats.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

🌠 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY + REVIEW! 🌠 The Zumio E has the tiniest tip ever to wiggle against my clit. Orgasms are inescapable! Read my full review: ENTER TO WIN YOUR OWN: 🌀 Follow @Epiphora 🌀 Like + RT this Open internationally! Ends 8/6.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Putting out a call for a sex-positive graphic designers & web developers is NOT SEXUAL SOLICITATION you fucking evil pricks. This may be the last straw with Facebook. I cannot ever win. Ever. And they will ruin me over it.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

"I've personally always wanted to experiment with having a cock" —blog post, 2008 "Why even have sex if I'm not going to get my dick sucked??" —me, 2019, significantly gayer

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

I'M FINALLY DOING IT: I'm writing a blog post series about all the sex parties I've attended. Yes, series. 😈 ARE YOU EXCITED???

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Fuck you, @Apple . Fuck your moralizing gatekeeping sex-hating bullshit. "We do believe we have a moral responsibility to keep porn off the iPhone. Folks who want porn can buy an Android phone." –Steve Jobs

Wat

@Watdraws

3 years

Discord updated their NSFW support articles to indicate that iOS devices will no longer be able to access NSFW servers at all: Doesn't seem to be rolled out to everyone yet (we have iOS users who are still able to talk to us on their phones), so heads up.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

This café knows what's up. #respectpronouns #pronounsmatter #pronouns

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Fuck you. FUCK. YOU. FUCK YOU. goddamnit why can't I make text bigger on Twitter, FUCK YOU, YOU FLAMING PILE OF GARBAGE

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

5 years

As we celebrate LGBT Pride Month and recognize the outstanding contributions LGBT people have made to our great Nation, let us also stand in solidarity with the many LGBT people who live in dozens of countries worldwide that punish, imprison, or even execute individuals....

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

2 years

Okay, white men. Let's talk about this.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

🍫 VIBRATOR GIVEAWAY 🍫 Satisfy your sweet tooth with the LELO Mona 2, one of my fave vibrators ever, donated by @ShopSpectrum ! TO ENTER:⁣ 🍭️ Follow me 🍭️ Like & RT 🍭️ Reply tagging a friend — you may comment multiple times Ends 11/9. More:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Mood: watching porn and getting so concerned about the dryness of someone's genitals that I'm adding extra lube to MYSELF

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Is it normal for therapy to feel at first like discovering how fucked up you really are?

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

A guy on this dating reality show just called himself "the biggest freak in the world." Every time a dude says that, I wanna be like, "oh, so I can stick things in your penis?!"

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

K if you're a sex education website and you have a section called "for couples" then another called "queer" you should probably re-think that??? And I hate you

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Dear sex toy manufacturers: billing something as a "couples' vibrator" then acting like all couples = 1 man + 1 woman is alienating as fuck

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

2 years

Can't stop thinking about this dialogue I read in a fan fiction the other night: "turn around and face the window. I want you to see how the world stops when I make you come."

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

Keep thinking about the people who condescendingly told me "it's just a difference of opinion" as if there would be no consequences for electing a racist misogynist dictator

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

👻 SPOOKY GIVEAWAY 👻 Here in the haunted house, you could win the frighteningly-good njoy Pure Wand, donated by @ShopSpectrum ! TO ENTER:⁣ 💀 Follow me 💀 Like & RT 💀 Reply filling in the blank: "it's not Halloween without ______" Ends 11/9. More:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

8 years

Buddy. I have some bad news. In cowgirl position... YOU'RE THE COW. YOU'RE. THE. COW. 🐄

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

The biggest sex toy giveaway of the year is HERE! Over 80 prizes + grand prize pack worth over $1,000! #decadeoftoys

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Feels like I've been waiting forever to tell you: GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN LUBE NOW. 💦 Piph Lube is infused with 5 uniquely-stimulating ingredients never before used in a lubricant. That means it doesn't just lubricate — it enhances.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

Step right up: I'm throwing a DILDO CARNIVAL! 🎪 Forget lousy stuffed animal prizes; this huge giveaway is the biggest of the year, featuring over 60 sex toys and all kinds of fun attractions! 🎟️ Enter the giveaway now:

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

This vibrator review isn't done yet because I had too many orgasms in the course of writing it. That's my excuse. SORRY

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Employee at wallpaper store: "what kind of pattern are you looking for?" Me: [hesitates] "well, uh, it's oddly specific, but I'm looking for a vulva pattern." Employee, unsure they heard me correctly: "...vulva?"

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Dunno which sex shop customers are worse: dudes who mansplain all the vibrators to their girlfriends, or the ones who aggressively refuse to help them pick something out because OH GOD SCARY SEX SHOP

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Confused about how to act in a sex shop? Here's a hint: act like you would IN ANY OTHER RETAIL ESTABLISHMENT. Unless you're an asshole in every retail establishment. In which case, just FYI: everyone hates you.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

I've made it, everyone. I've come full circle.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

I encounter some pretty wild sex toy claims, but wow a company declaring that their lube "fights feelings of anxiety and depression and inspires joy" because it's vanilla-scented... is QUITE a stretch

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

Took me 35 years but I finally used my own fingers to fuck myself. I'd give it a C.

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@Epiphora

6 years

The Magic Wand takes a beach vacation 🌴🍹

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@Epiphora

5 years

BREAKING NEWS: I've decided on my blog's new color palette!!!! 🎨 How much do you love it?!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

I am SO OVER "empowering" "women-owned" online sex shops that peddle shitty generic white-label sex toys with fake reviews. You found a stock image of some suggestively-shaped mandarin oranges or a group of white women laughing together? Yeah, you and 500 others. Try again.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

My new dentist, cleaning my teeth: "so you're off work today?" "Mostly... I'm working a class tonight though." "Oh, what's it about?" [knowing it's a blowjob class] "I... uh..."

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

5 years

Here's the thing: if you can't ask a sex shop employee "are you hiring?" without giggling, you're... not qualified to work there.

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

Another vibrator just died on me mid-masturbation. So many lately. Unbelievable. Don't these sex toys know who I am???????

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

3 years

....my website is a sex blog. So yes, I needed my graphic designer and web developer to be open-minded — rather than squeamish or puritanical — about sex.

Francis Roy

@FrancisRoyCA

3 years

@Epiphora For the record, I would never offer my services to someone who demands certain political viewpoints. In what circumstance would "being sex-positive" have any positive influence between using a class or hard-coding a <div>?

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@Epiphora

8 years

I perverted an automatic soap dispenser into an AUTOMATIC LUBE DISPENSER and it kinda revolutionized my sex life

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

4 years

I got colored masking tape to label sex toy chargers 😍

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@Epiphora

5 years

I just found me as an emoji

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@Epiphora

6 years

😻 THIS IS IT! The last mini giveaway in my #dildocarnival ! 😻 Here at the petting zoo, you can win a $125 gift card to @SheVibe ! TO ENTER:⁣ 🐈 Follow me 🐈️ Like & RT 🐈️ Comment w/ a caption for this photo (my fave will win!) Ends 11/9. More:

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@Epiphora

5 years

The concept of healthcare needing to be "medically necessary" is so fucked. Like, I'm sorry I want a routine STI test or want to manage my anxiety before it eats me alive!!!

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

6 years

My musician partner just told me he has a spectrum analyzer app that can tell me the frequency a sex toy is vibrating at. WHY HAS HE BEEN HIDING THIS IMPORTANT INFO

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Epiphora

@Epiphora

7 years

A condom that can be pricked 40+ times yet not visibly tear is a HEALTH HAZARD. Do not buy the LELO HEX, friends.

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