Milton Jones @themiltonjones Twitter profile

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

If you rearrange the letters of Postman Pat, he gets really cross

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Jamie Oliver's restaurants go into adminestrone

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

I am in favour of the Norway option. That we all go and live in Norway.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

How did they know how many census forms to send out?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

Stuck in lift with Corbyn and Abbott. She can't work out what floor number, he won't press the button.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Sean Lock - one of the sharpest. Found 'funny' where others were afraid to tread...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Why do you think they call it ‘Downing Street’?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

What is driving Brexit? Feels like the Duke of Edinburgh.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Once the Queen and David Attenborough go there will be no grown-ups...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

Daughter off to see Bohemian Rhapsody Me: I will not let you g... Her: Don't Dad, just don't...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

So take your first name and then add your second name, then that's your name.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

When they interview someone on TV in their home, am I the only one judging them by the books and photos in the background?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

'Highways England launches campaign to stop tailgating' I'm right behind this.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Leaving the EU means that the Winter Solstice no longer applies, and the days will continue to get shorter and shorter until there is total darkness.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

If the resurrection was fake you have to say the scam has gone miraculously well

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Teresa May sounds increasingly like a supply teacher who’s been locked in the stationary cupboard, but desperately trying to carry on with the lesson anyway

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

#Crimewatch axed. Did you see it? Do you know someone who has an axe and has been behaving suspiciously?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

the meter for the sun only took old £1 coins.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Annoying when you forget your lines...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Oh I get it, we can now just pay what we owe by standing outside HMRC and clapping...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Ha - I've just realised what an epiphany is!

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Panic buying is back. Lots of empty shelves in IKEA today...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

'One in three children not active enough'. Perhaps if we banned Piggy in the Middle?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Great gig Barry Cryer. You were also a kind and generous audience to the rest of us. Stormed it!

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Another politician confesses: 'When I was at college I experimented with integrity...'

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

am I the only one who's painted their face purple for Mauvember?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

Scarrmucci I'm going to have to let you go Let me go? I will not let me go! Let me go, I will not let me go..Fandango etc...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

'I've read the ending and I really think we can make it happen!'

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Rees-Mogg passes the ball to Gove, Gove to Johnson, HE'S ABOUT TO SCORE... hang on that's our goal...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Had my jab today! Asked a nurse if they'd been busy recently and she punched me in the face

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Whoever wins election has to do something about my local primary school. Huge numbers of over-age children only attending for a number of minutes.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Presumably the best thing about winning an Olympic medal is running back to your room, ripping the foil off and eating the chocolate!

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

But can she do it on a rainy night in Stoke?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Today, if I was a statue I'd try and keep very still.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 months

My new tour HA!MILTON is on sale Friday! ⭐️ Pre-sale tickets available today from Book Now! This is not a musical. I am tone deaf and have no sense of rhythm, but at least I don’t make a song and dance about it...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

#footballscominghome Let's hope we're in and they don't have to leave it with a next door neighbour

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

To those who were disappointed by my cricket podcast, you try making that noise by rubbing your legs together.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

Let's start a rumour that Daily Mail now has to be called the Daily Female 50% of the time.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

Just to say I won't be sending any Christmas cards this year, but with the money I would've spent on them I'll be buying a huge bucket of KFC.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

I don't trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say 'press', but if you press those badges they just fall over all surprised..

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

Leaves means Leaves

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Pleased to announce I am the new Postman Pat

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

If you are a pig, beware being offered a blanket at this time of year

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Amazing that David Bowie mentioned Sir Tom when he was just a major

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Think Harry has missed a trick by not having his book launch in Fort William...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

Just seen some council workmen doing the mannequin challenge.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Fair play to the lads that carried the coffin. No joke, just bravo..

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

It’s amazing how many cities have been named after football teams

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Just seen a sign for Bury Crematorium. Make your mind up...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

1 year

kids watch out if menu for school dinners today says 'crumble'...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

and when the Queen and David Attenborough go there will be no more grown ups...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

Saw that film about Queen. Claire Foy disappointing as Freddie Mercury.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

It was coming home, but apparently it’s been left with a neighbour

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

What’s this Duke of Edinburgh in a ward scheme

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

It's the Vauxhall AstraZeneca you need to avoid

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Mars looks like the sort of place they could've faked the moon landings...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Even Chelsea Flower show full of old white people going on about borders

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

Wow! Fish adapting to all the plastic in the oceans...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Imagine wondering if you should leave your husband's family and tossing a coin - only to see his grandmother's face staring back at you...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Hope Musk is involved in some controversy that keeps getting bigger #Elongate

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

just tuned into Blue Peter again and still don't like the new format. Presenters too gloomy, and why do they have to stand behind lecturns?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Grimsby, Southampton, Felixstowe all short-listed for BBC Port's Personality off the Year...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

Met the crew of Apollo 11 once. Very down to earth.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

The Queen under huge pressure to resign next

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Goodbye. Or should I say ‘au reservoir’

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

Extra time for Brexit? Then penalties. That always goes well.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Interesting - a lot of famous people dying, but not many being born...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

If you think Amazon are going to send you what you ordered you’ve got another thing coming.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Think there should be an alternative dressage where the person has to dance to music while carrying the horse...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

7 years

What did I do with the instructions for the paper shredder? Oh no...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Just as well tyrannosaurus rexs’ are extinct as they’d be a real embarrassment doing the clap for the NHS

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

Hoping for hordes of Remainians today.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

I keep hearing about 'Cross Party talks', but how do you get involved with this Cross Party, because I'm furious?

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Soaring temperatures at the Edinburgh Festival and still no bagpipe ban

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

maybe Pele's coffin could feint to go one way, sending a the line of mourners into the wrong church...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

3 hours I queued outside a garage today. I only wanted a Kit Kat

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

2 years

Best camouflage trousers I’ve seen for a while…

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Found recipe online for Molotov cocktail and it tastes horrible

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

please, the next person to see Boris in a face mask tell him he looks like a pillar box...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

3 years

Predicting pun pun draw @ Sutton Utd

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

So it turns out you don't have to lick the whole envelope, just the sticky bit...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

8 years

Inventor of Fitbit falls off Machu Pichu, but does hit ten thousand steps on the way down

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

4 years

Happy New Year people. But you need to know this didn't go well last time...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

AA refusing to attend my puncture. Now stuck in the snow with bouncy castle.

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

6 years

I used to think vince cable was invincible. then someone explained spellcheck

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

At least this crisis is a chance to stop. Reflect. Then vow to do that thing which you've been putting off for so long. And then realise that you can't buy what you need to do it...

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Milton Jones

@themiltonjones

5 years

This is me doing my @MrEdByrne impression.