Be the parent that has the slowest heartbeat, the most relaxed body, the emptiest mind. Be this so you can coregulate your children.
Our eldest son had a very complex day at school yesterday. Let’s leave it at that. Big feelings, big lessons learned, big conversations. He was
Before kids, I didn’t have strong opinions on how I wanted to educate my own. I thought “good grades, good schools, the rest will work itself out.”
Then I read this book and my mind exploded.
*Dr. Maté showed how*:
• me being stressed as a parent might be the number 1 worst
Met a guy the other day. We got talking and he sees my kids and goes “oh you’ve got three of ‘em! Oof! That’s hard!”
I go “most things that make life meaningful tend to be!☺️”
Him: “huh. Never thought about it that way.🤔That’s a really positive take.”
I end up learning that
In 15 days, we’re pulling our 3 boys out of the system & embarking on an “adventure year”:
- moving to Portugal
- homeschooling
- letting go of attachments
- inviting new energy
I’ll be writing more about this journey soon. What would you want to read more about?
My wife
@franziskagonder
and I have built over almost 11 years what we call a "Visionary Relationship": we're invested in growing ourselves, each other, and the intimate bond.
Here are 7 lessons I’d share with my bachelor self about building a visionary relationship:
After our morning swim today, my wife reminded me of one of my most ambitious life goals. Told me “I want to be the woman on your arm when it happens.”
Felt like rocket fuel.❤️🔥
Marry someone who can be raw and clueless with you through the messiness of life…and who also
I spent years battling overeating, chronic gut pain, and addictions to food, alcohol, and coffee.
But that all started to change 8 years ago when I became a dad.
Here are 9 lessons on health that I’d share with my younger, significantly less fit self.
To fix society’s:
- mass shootings
- sexual harassment
- fractured family structure
…we need to raise boys into Men who:
- tell the truth
- embrace emotion
- do what’s right even when it’s hard.
Imagine if every man led their people with this healthy masculine strength.
For years I struggled with weight and used food as a drug to numb my emotions. When I became a dad 7 years ago I began a journey toward a new relationship with food and myself. Here’s how:
To all the men who dismiss their wives and girlfriends as “crazy” during premenstrual, pregnant, and postpartum phases:
1. Listen *deeply* btwn the lines to what she’s actually saying and you’ll hear profound feminine wisdom. You can’t build an exceptional shared existence on
“You’re so f***ing lucky, man,” the passenger next to me said as he rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans. There was a tremor in his voice. This was last Monday. We were waiting for our flight to take off.
“Why?” I asked.
“Normally I’m losing it right now, spazzing out,
@Claire3Brierley
@imgracehuang
It’s worth knowing Claire that the transition to full time remote can be one that takes years and often a pay cut at least at first.
It’s not always a “I had enough money so I walked away!” Choice.
FWIW I stumbled into remote after being laid off by a tech company at the
Whenever men say they’re “babysitting” because their wife isn’t around in that moment to take care of their kids, it signals that they haven’t yet decided to fully own their role as a parent.🤦🏻♂️
Dads: you don’t babysit. Have more self-respect. respect for the role, respect for
We had a stroller for 8yrs. My youngest is now 4 so he walks. But he still gets tired (or pretends, so that I carry him). Sometimes I don’t feel like carrying him - he’s massive. But I love having nothing in between us. His chest on my chest. It’s an honor to carry my kids.
This morning in the car with my wife, we casually discussed plans to hike across large parts of Europe with our three young boys. As a parent, you have one shot at creating an epic childhood for your children. If you want them to believe they can do anything, give them evidence.
I became a White House advisor at 23, had kids at 25, got married at 26, hit Forbes 30 under 30, have been broke and recovered, moved internationally 3x, have made countless mistakes, but can still laugh from my belly.
Here are 11 surprising and counterintuitive life lessons:
Dropping my two younger sons off at preschool the other day, the head teacher approached me:
"Ted, I need to speak with you - it's important."
I'm thinking: "Uh-oh..."
She goes: "It's an absolute joy working with your boys. They're so helpful. They have a sense of justice and
Before I became a dad, everyone said it would:
- kill my career momentum
- deaden my marriage
- ruin my health
Instead, the exact opposite happened.
Here’s how and why:
Shirtless pull-ups on a snowy day. Banging out emails between sets.
One kid has a friend over. Another kid’s at a birthday party. Another kid is at a play date. This is how my workouts get done. Layered into the rest of my life as a dad and a professional. Integration is the key.
Packing for a family road trip from Germany to England. It never gets old, laying out my kids’ passports. Always feels good to know that in these crazy times, we have set them up with the ability to live in 28 countries with the EU + US passport combo.
On Mondays the kids in my 8yo’s class share stories of what they did over the weekend.
8yo comes home and says “dad, the girls in my class don’t believe me that I lift weights at the gym!”
Smiling, thinking I have a good idea, I say “what if you make a slideshow to prove it?”
I’m a busy professional + dad of 3.
Here’s my fav WFH hack: “deadlifts and emails”
1. Pick 2 lifts: 1 upper body + 1 lower body
2. Perform each for 5-10 reps
3. Do 3-5 minutes of work tasks
4. Repeat for 5-10 rounds depending on fitness level + amount of work
What’s yours?👇🏻
My mom was a home health nurse from humble beginnings, but she taught me 3 invaluable lessons about how to find that extra gear to win when life gets hard:
At kids gymnastics class, almost sat on my 📲 like other parents. But then saw bars behind the gym hall!
100 reps later, I had:
-more energy
-done something for myself
-showed my kids I also like gymnastics!
Don’t wait for the perfect moment to train! Just start! 🙌🔥⚡️
Happy Sunday!☀️
Functional training after long workweek with international drives and little movement.👍🏻
Mimics key dad movements like child lifting.🐣
EMOM (every minute on the minute) do 3 kettlebell cleans to thrusters. Repeat 30 minutes.💪🏻
@franziskagonder
3. Create a strong foundation by writing a family vision/manifesto and hanging it in your home.
Even before you have kids, envision together how you want to live 10, 20, 30 years from now, what you want your shared legacy to be.
Then go live it through your actions every day.
We have been training with and in front of our 3 children since this guy was born 7 years ago.
No question why:
- He says gym class is boring bc it’s not hard enough!😜
- He hops on the
@onepeloton
on his own time.🤩
- He never quits.💪🏻
Active parents—>Strong children.🙌
You think your heart's open, but there's a next level of love and abundance calling you.
You think your mind's open, but there's a next level of curiosity and nonjudgment calling you.
You think you know yourself, but you've only just met yourself.
@FitFounder
Honestly Dan our couple of calls in 2021 were really validating for me. I’d already been living this way since 2019 but when you told me how you’d been totally brick and mortar then seen so much growth since going remote-first, it really blew the ceiling off of the limits I
My 3yo said he wanted to work out, so we:
- grabbed kettlebells
- banged out some deadlifts
- high-fived + called it a day
- celebrated w protein smoothies
This happened between my Peloton ride and my wife’s.
Fitness is inevitable when it’s an integral part of your family!🔥
I’ve never been this embarrassed and this proud at the same time.
For the first time, my wife just made me a steak that’s better than any steak I’ve ever made.
Another day of “emails and deadlifts” except today the deadlifts are pull-ups.
Reminder of how it works:
1. Do an email or two
2. One set of pull-ups close to failure (for me that’s 10 chest to bar)
3. Repeat for 10 rounds
Productivity and fitness, mutually enhancing!👌🏻🔥💪🏻
Reminder to every parent to get outside and be active! Doesn’t matter if it’s a lazy afternoon at the beach!
An object at rest will remain at rest. An object in motion will remain in motion.
Momentum is everything, so don’t wait for it! Become it! And lead your fam with it! 💪🏻
Went on a running date with my wife today for the first time in a while after 8 years of pregnancies, babies, and injuries.
So grateful for simple shared ecstatic experiences like this.
What more does a man need than health, sun, and love? ☀️ 💚❤️🔥⚡️
Modern media tricks us into:
- fearing the unfamiliar😱
- focusing on our differences👺
- envying others’ highlight reels😕
Don’t forget:
- unfamiliarity grows perspective🧠
- we’re ALL human, just here to lift e/o up and walk e/o home💚
- grass is greener where you 💧 it.
Today
@franziskagonder
and I said today we’re gunna chill in bed.😴
1hr later we were at the hospital for 3yo’s reaction to a wasp sting. Never a dull day!😂
Now: playground w the boys bangin’ out 300 pushups + KB swings while wife meditates💪🏻🧘🏻♀️
Gotta keep our cups full!❤️🔥
For the last 24 months, I've been in the cockpit with my wife
@franziskagonder
as she took the leap to pursue her true calling as a leadership coach to founders, CEOs, and political operatives.
Here are the most surprising lessons learned taking this business from Zero to One:
Almost didn’t post this because it might seem like a tough guy brag. But some people might value this important reminder, so here goes…
Was out with my family in Lisbon a couple weeks ago for my son’s 6th bday when I see a dad hit his kid. Then again, backhand, harder.
His son
3,000 new teammates in the last few days so figure I should introduce myself. Love to hear from y’all, too. 👋🏻
Here goes:
• *Father to 3 boys*. Never wanted kids when I was younger but they’re the best thing that ever happened to me. Starved my ego, fed my soul, so much fun.
Taught our 7 year old how to light a 🔥 with a flint and steel. Took a few hundred tries but he finally got it. So begins their outdoors skills education.🕺🏼🏔️
One of the silent pandemics of modernity is that children (and adults!) spend more time indoors than ever before.
@FitFounder
How much daily functional stuff got easier.
Hoisting my kids onto my shoulders.
Helping others with their airline luggage.
Running to catch a bus.
@schlaf
Love this story, man! 16 years is inspiring 💚
@franziskagonder
and I also met by chance, on a bus in NYC. Started talking, went on a jog together afterward, then spent the night at a wine bar.
Thanks for the reminder to appreciate the tiny odds of true love.
We are all sick today, so what are we doing? 🤧
Ecstatic dance and tree climbing in the local forest, of course! 🕺🏼💃
Believe you’re well and it’ll manifest faster! 🚀
Never a dull day in the Gonder fam. ❤️🔥
11 years together, 6 years married, 5 career pivots, 4 international moves, 3 children, 1 remarriage, and plenty of ups and downs.
We're still going stronger than ever and here are the main reasons why:
@Mikel_Jollett
Definitely. Lots of people revealing themselves to care little for the elderly or sick, saying "im not afraid it wont affect me." Well now we know how selfish you are.
7 years ago I keynoted a conference of finance execs right before one of my heroes
@garyvee
🤯
I was the “young entrepreneur with an inspiring story” & he was the “business veteran shaking sh*t up”
Afterward, he gave me some advice that changed my life trajectory:
🧵
@rmblingrambler
That last sentence of yours captures it for me.
So much modern parenting "best practice" is a complete departure from our natural human condition.
The "cry it out" method.
Daycare from 2 months old.
Sitting in flourescent lighting 80% of our waking hours.
6 years ago I found out I’d be a dad.
I was out of shape, gaunt, weak, losing hair from stress, addicted to caffeine and alcohol.
800+ workouts, 25lbs of muscle, and 3 kids later, here’s what I’ve learned about becoming physically fit for fatherhood.
THREAD:
Number 1 lesson I’ve learned from our family’s business coach:
“Operate with the feeling that you’ve already achieved what you want.
This begets certainty, gratitude, abundance, and detachment from outcomes.
It’s this certainty, gratitude, abundance and detachment from
My wife and I have fought at least 1,000 in the last 12 years. Never violence, but also plenty messy. Both before and after kids. And I’m very happy about this. Because usually we are fighting not to win but to advance the relationship. And usually we understand each other better
In my teens I hated rejection because it lowered my self esteem.
In my 20s I tolerated rejection because it was part of the game.
In my 30s I embrace rejection because it saves me from getting into situations that might end up being more trouble than they appeared.
Moved my family of 5 to Portugal 4 weeks ago for:
- adventure year
- community school
- inviting new energy
- letting go of attachments
Not gonna lie, it’s been really intense. New country, new language, big emotions, missing grandparents and friends, tons of paperwork and
@franziskagonder
5. Your partner can be a prescient mirror into your own soul, and you can be that for them.
Fights are opportunities for breakthroughs with yourself and in your relationship.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” - Carl Jung
Used to have 1-2 drinks 2-3x/week.
In the last 2 years I’ve had alcohol maybe 4 times total. Each time, I’ve felt “this just isn’t worth it.”
Throws off my mood for a few days.
Workouts not as strong.
Sleep isn’t as deep.
Wish I’d scaled back drinking way earlier…
@connorcarrick
Hey Connor, thanks for sharing. When our first son was born, I also had a career that made it hard to be around all the time. Lots of travel, long days, etc. I think it was that experience that motivated me to want to create more flexibility as my kids became older. What’s most
At 24, I was appointed as the youngest advisor to President Obama.
I’ll write a future thread on what I learned during my time in this role, but here’s the behind-the-scenes scoop on how it happened…
🧵:
@franziskagonder
4. Every chance you get, work out or go for a walk together.
Getting sweaty and looking silly together breaks down walls you don't know are there.
Walking help you see things from the same perspective + move in the same direction physically, psychologically, relationally.
A guy asked us today why we moved to Portugal.
I said “so the spark in our oldest son’s eye can remain that way for a little while longer.”
Guy says: “that’s cute”
My wife says: “it’s important.”
Normalize putting kids first.
Sometimes as parents your kids need more than just *your* co-regulation.
That’s when unstructured time in nature together comes in:
We took our boys for a 4 hour hike in the woods yesterday. They collected rocks, pretend hunted, and tickle-fought/wrestled in the grass. 🥹👌🏻
I'm all for thrift and frugality.
But our family's business coach threw me a mindblowing bone to chew on the other day.
Said that one of the most powerful uses of money is actually to overextend yourself as a way to increase your odds of showing up.
Still thinking about it.
Many dads never mention it because we are raised to believe that emotion isn’t manly.
But the truth is that beneath the composed facade, deep-down we are in a life and death struggle with our demons.
Thread👇🏻
I believe in the power of rest and recovery.
But the mental toughness to work before dawn and after dusk...
...is the *only* way I've been able to make major career leaps, be there 110% for my wife, and be present for my 3 young boys for the last 7 years.
Trade-offs are real.
@franziskagonder
7. Don’t read the potential or strength of your relationship based on how you feel during conflict, but on the shared belief in your ability to navigate conflicts and always be better together afterward.
I never wanted kids or family.
But I'm so happy I changed my mind and became a dad. It is so radically different than what I’d always imagined.
Here are 12 hard-earned lessons on fatherhood from a guy who never wanted to be a dad:
This morning I did something I almost never do.
After we dropped the kids off, while my wife walked into the gym, I walked over to a park bench and laid in the sun, fully clothed, for over an hour.
I watched the clouds move. I drifted in and out of consciousness. I let my task
Few things have done as much for my mental and physical health as *walking outside.* It calms my nervous system, generates good ideas, and helps me stay fit.
I grew up in LA getting bused around in my parents’ car, so it wasn’t until I moved to Europe that I developed a love
Tip for men trying to be more emotionally open with their partners:
Not everything needs to be said vocally, immediately, in raw form.
You can pour your heart onto paper and read it to her later, in a calm moment.
Sometimes this is how to communicate what you ACTUALLY mean.
4 years ago, my wife wasn't known as a "coach." She had 0 clients, 0 revenue. She had talent and experience but no formal certifications.
Today (still with no formal certifications), she's a trusted close advisor to leaders at:
- $100M+ companies
- The Aspen Institute
- The
3. One of the most effective forms of meditation is housework: laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, making your bed.
Bonus: Reframing chores as meditation makes them more exciting.
I'm sick with COVID, quarantining in our basement.
My wife, who runs her own business + is helping our 8yo son w homework, just brought me a giant plate of:
- Smoked salmon
- Scrambled eggs
- Red cabbage salad
- Gluten free goat cheese sandwich
- Persimmon.
I married up.
Beginning a personal challenge with a little bit of public accountability: working out every single day until Dec 31!
After 7 years of training 5-7x/week, this year was less consistent. A few weeks on, a few weeks off, over and over again.
So here’s to 55 days of consistency✌🏻
While my wife was on the bike in the gym today, my 3 boys (8, 6, and 4) spent an hour with me doing:
- pushups
- box jumps
- kettlebell deadlifts
- sandbag carries
- farmer carries
No timers, no competition, no pressure, just fun. The boys wanted me to coach them. They asked
@franziskagonder
2. Commit to truly co-owning the emotional labor of running a household with young children.
This will frontload a lot of hard conversations about gender roles and prevent downstream resentment.
If you’re a leader, don’t expect to feel understood by those you serve.
• The CEO or founder won’t feel understood by employees or investors.
• The politician won’t feel understood by constituents.
• The parent won’t feel understood by children.
If you need to feel
Something I admire about my wife is how committed she is to advancing her ideas and making them accessible to her clients 24/7.
She could just show up for client calls and call it a day. But she is obsessed with delivering outsized impact.
So she’s recording all of her
When you feel envy, remember:
- that happy couple fought like crazy for their relationship
- that Adonis has been lifting every day for 15yrs
- that billionaire is divorced and missed most of his kids’ childhoods
Consider the sacrifice before you wish for someone else’s life.
Happiest moment of my weekend: watching my eldest son teach my wife how to rock climb with a rope. They decided it’ll be their “together sport”
❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
Walked an overpass with the kids yesterday and showed our boys how to get semi trucks to honk at them. We then proceeded to wave, hoot, and holler at cars for the next 15 minutes. So many strangers waved back, honked, and smiled! Pure joy and excitement for all involved.🥳