2. eat curry. a shit ton of spicy as fuck steaming hot curry. i don’t know if this helps but at least when you’ve died of heatstroke you would have had a nice meal
3. write some diaspora poetry about how the heat of british summer reminds you of the mangoes of your motherland. use the gcse eng lot syllabus money to be an air conditioning unit
5. Watch a bollywood film starring Salman Khan. It will be so mind numbingly bad your brain will work at 10% capacity and therefore you will preserve energy. This is how we do in India
4. Go to your local Hindu priest and ask him to find out which of your past lives is responsible for the karma that’s led to this heat. Then, after haggling of course, arrange for an exorcism to remove the haunting of this cursed previous life
7. If you’re a woman, wax every single inch of hair on your body (not on your head or eyebrows), scientifically this will make you warmer. but no one wants to be exposed to your gross arm hair in a patriarchal society. if you’re a man: don’t do anything this is your world.
6. Denounce western “science” and embrace eastern medicine. This isn’t being caused by climate change, this is being caused by Indra, the Lord of the Sun, mad at you because you ate a big mac. Indra is a mad fan of cows
thanks for reading! remember to leave an ice cream out for your bin men tonight folks and mum if you’re reading: this is all a joke. i’m truly grateful for the exorcism!
8. (this is genuine advice i have been giving in india) to avert the risk of malaria: eat lots of raw green chillies with your meals. the strain of mosquito that carries malaria is put off by the taste of spicy blood.
Don’t think i’ve seen anyone mention it yet, but in the interests of “saving Christmas”, the government has cancelled Diwali for the English Hindu and Sikh communities, showing how disposable BAME communities are (Eid has already been cancelled)
Next up are my favorite movies and TV shows of 2019. Of course, there’s also American Factory, a film from our own production company, Higher Ground, that was recently shortlisted for an Oscar. Here’s the full list:
@hansmollman
i would fully be like “sir are you asking to see my vagina to confirm because if you insist you will be known as the school nonce forever and mrs safeguarding is going to be hyped to get some more paperwork”
cannot get my head around the bbc having drama with emily maitlis and naga munchetty after years of allowing jeremy paxman's bullying and jeremy clarkson's racism and bullying as a character brand. wonder what's different this time HMMMMMMMMM
i ordered a pcr test off a company listed on the official gov list of recommended suppliers and it’s a scam. the government has scammed me. no idea how to get the money back or tell the government they’re sending people to a scam
in personal news, my dad just called me to say it is “not funny” that i’m saying sadiq khan is my dad and my mum in the background shouted “your father worked very hard to raise you!” decided not to explain the concept of shitposting
how to get younger people to vote? stop putting the voting booths in places we don’t go to (churches, schools, town halls) and put them where we do go (nft lectures, bottomless brunch cafes, rowans)
i haven't stopped thinking about this since last night, but i really don't understand why he's being referred to as a "domestic servant" - he was a slave. he couldn't escape that family for years.
the bbc is obsessed with finding “two sides of the debate” on things that aren’t debates (eg climate change), yet has completely ignored this impartiality stuff with the royals - when there are genuine debates going on rn about legacy, colonialism, republicanism. bit sus
POC: Hi guys, erm, sorry to bother you but can you please stop shouting paki at us and beating us up?
Columnist: Snowflake culture will be the death of millennials
POC: haha gammon memes! How funny
Columnist: 4000 words explaining why left wingers are the REAL racists
joe lycett did a whole prime time tv show on the bin crisis. he’s done more serious political activism and commentary than the vast majority of political commentators and analysts in the uk.
dating tip: ask a guy his views on consent in gdpr to work out what his views are on consent in general. if he feels like consent is only through active opt in, he’s a keeper. if he’s never heard of gdpr you gotta let him go
hate that we’ve got 100s of bottomless brunch restaurants to have mimosas with the gurls but not 1 hotel breakfast buffet themed restaurant where you can go alone and eat 7 plates of bread cheese and eggs until you die.
a really overlooked part of why britain has gotten so shit: specifically the rise of private equity. you’ve got a good restaurant? private equity will turn up and make it in to a chain with factory food. need a vet? great, a private equity firm monopolised all local options
After 3 visits to the hospital and 4 doctors investigating a breast lump to see if I have cancer it has been confirmed I…lift. The lump was pecs, I bench pressed myself in to a cancer scare. My medical diagnosis is “hell yeah you lift.” Scenes.
Probably the most London thing I’ve ever heard is a mob beating up a protestor because the collective will of the mob was......passionate about getting to work on time.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named "Baby Ben." If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Imagine seeing Grenfell, not just on the news but physically seeing it as you drive by, and still thinking “oh yeah poppy, im voting tory again they’re good on the bin collection”
i bought smart light bulbs and set my alexa to hindi and i called my mum to show her how i can voice control my lighting in hindi and she just blinked and said "kavya please get a boyfriend"
does anyone know how i can find out which curry keir starmer ate? i think it will speak volumes about how engaged he is with the south asian community and would explain how labour lost harrow.
conspiracy theory: johnny depps legal team is shelling out $$$ to make social media platforms overwhelmingly filled with pro depp media. i’ve seen so many pro depp clips and tweets on tiktok and twitter and…it seems a bit fishy
EXCLUSIVE: Extraordinary image of raucous Christmas party thrown by Tory aides at party HQ during coronavirus restrictions last year.
Party hats, drinks, an entire buffet - while we were all banned from meeting just one other person socially indoors.
everyone in my family who does shift work normally works on christmas because we celebrate diwali instead, not sure what the appeal is now without a diwali celebration tbh
A female lion is on the loose on the southern side of Berlin. Residents are advised to stay indoors, and to keep their pets nearby. No one knows where the lion came from either:
what i really love is that theresa may’s new immigration policy is going to leave british people doing low skilled jobs and only giving senior level roles to immigrants. it’s gandhi’s revenge getting the british to be assistants to indian imported vps
mortified. staying at my parents house while they’re away and have been sneaking in deliveroos for breakfast lunch and dinner as a shameful secret. my mum just called to say she’s been getting video recordings of each delivery guy via the ring app and has seen my shame chats
obsessed with this expose as everyone from north west london knows this lmao. he literally went to qe??? he's been famous for years as a local grifter, and everyone i know is super proud of him for using his fake origin story to dupe white people who love ethnic mysticism
Last year, Esquire assigned me to write a profile about Jay Shetty, the ultra-famous self-help influencer and guru to the stars.
At first, I thought Shetty was smarmy but ultimately harmless. But as I began my background research, I found Shetty had committed rampant plagiarism
omg emily thornberry uncovered who’s liz truss’s botox lady!! what an absolute legend i was trying to foi the government for this and emzo just dropped the reveal. wonder how far ahead they’re booked
How did the Foreign Office manage to spend £4,333.30 on two trips to the hairdresser?
Why has their spending via government procurement cards shot up 45% since last September?
And why won’t they answer these and dozens more related questions?
Read all about it in my letter:
@hansmollman
mr nonce would adore to find his way inside to confirm it’s your first period (the school rumours that would immediately spread if period pain was ever questioned)
i don’t tweet politics because i don’t have a death wish but i am not convinced by the whole “bme working class people supported corbyn” argument seeing the swings in indian seats. indians have been moving blue for years and swings in leicester, harrow, and southall support that
Hello! I have been asked to tweet out my GDPR knowledge of the TIG/Labour data breach. TLDR: Labour are liable for the breach, not the MPs. Users consent to Labour's privacy policy as Labour chose to centralise compliance to not leave onus on local party mem secs.
heyyy, the sun overheating and destroying the world reminded me that you destroyed my world when you left me babe. climate change makes me want to create a climUS change and bring the heat back to when we were together…?
reeling from the morning after a shitpost turned into a 5 hour serious climate change discussion. thank you everyone who listened in to
#binspaces
and more importantly the incredible speakers. i’ll be back next week with another show
i’d be more than happy to write this if anyone wants me to and it’s something i’ve been commenting on for years. as a country we just no longer really understand the type of south asian diaspora in the uk, they’re not liberal in any sense of the term and neither is india
I'd like someone to do a long read on the Hindu vote shifting Tory (e.g. Harrow yesterday) and whether it's more to do with integration (the Jewish vote also became more Tory over time) or specific factors like Kashmir and Johnson's support for Modi.
over the past 10 years there have been so many protests with substantially more people in attendance brushed off by the press as a fringe issue. blm, palestine, migrant rights. nothing has had the same amount of coverage as *check notes* ulez uncles
@youngvulgarian
i think there's a really fascinating bubble around this that isn't spoken about. every tech, business and senior leadership circle i'm in is talking about ai constantly, using it and singing its praises. whereas people with platforms are talking about it more spectically
so fascinated by people who seem to have only just clocked on the police are not good. jean charles de menezes. mark duggan. rashan charles. a summer of protests following george floyd’s death. and now, suddenly now, seeing a video of women being attacked they’re bad
priti patel’s career is genuinely inspiring to me, as a young bme woman, that i too can be released by the barriers of race and also fail upwards, like the rest of the tory cabinet
@Shoequeeny
@smarvellous
@GraziaUK
i am obsessed with this bird and want to go for wine and take aways with her because i guess she buys the whole round and pays for everyone's meal. what a friend
Cannot get my head around why no one at Disney thought it would be a good idea to contact their Bollywood office instead of ask.....the director of Snatch.