Mike Scully @scullymike Twitter profile

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

9 years

Just cremated my dad. Now who's never going to amount to anything?

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Last Seen Profiles

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

He finally brought something to the floor.

WHAS11 News

@WHAS11

5 years

McConnell suffers fractured shoulder after fall at Louisville home

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Trump's doing great, but out of an abundance of caution, they're doing a practice funeral

Philip Crowther

@PhCrowther

4 years

That’s Trump driving by his supporters outside Walter Reed military hospital.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

When Trump dies, we better not hear one moment of reverence from media like “He was a colorful character that wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but he sure made things interesting.” Should be “America’s biggest piece of shit died today. Turning to sports...”

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

"I asked Japan if they attacked Pearl Harbor. They said no. What else can I do?" - President Franklin. D. Trump

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

When I was a kid, my parents told me not to hitchhike because the driver would kill me. When I started driving, my parents told me not to pick up hitchhikers because they'd kill me. Disappointing to realize my parents didn't think I was capable of killing ANYONE

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

WRITING TIP: When writing pilots, subtly bury characters' backstories in dialogue: "As a former NFL prospect who wrecked his arm in a karate accident and is now divorced and running my family's failing farm, I'll have a Coke." You think you just learned he likes Coke, but...

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

I appreciate when singers point up when they’re singing high notes so I know what’s happening

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

57 years ago today, my family and seven-year-old me watched The Beatles on Ed Sullivan and my dad said, “Jesus Christ, get a load of these assholes”

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 months

Ran into Richard Lewis in Improv bathroom 1982, said I'm a fan. RL: "Thanks. You a comic?" me: 'no, just open mics' RL: "Do you go on stage?" me: 'yeah' RL: "Do you tell jokes?" me: 'yeah' RL:"Then you're a comic." He could've just said thanks and left. Never forgot it

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

A slap on the hand from the pope used to be just for pedophile priests

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

Last night's Game of Thrones was too bright

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

While Don Jr is quarantined, tigers should be allowed in to shoot at him.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

All pussy-grabbing, handicap-mocking, and racism aside, let's not forget that Trump was never qualified to be President.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

I'm guessing under 18

The Hill

@thehill

4 years

Republicans quietly say Gaetz's days in Congress are numbered

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Trump is a jobs creator. He created an opening at The Today Show.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

Science: “Want a vaccine to protect the lives of you and your family?” America: “Depends. What’s in it for me?”

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

"You look amazing. Who are you accusing?" - #Oscars red carpet

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

Joaquin Phoenix fucked up the cow joke I wrote for him

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

My favorite part of Beauty & The Beast was when the entire row of kids in front of me turned gay

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

What we’re all standing by for.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

"If everyone in California carried a fire extinguisher..." - @realDonaldTrump

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

9 years

There were seventeen seconds where we technically had no Miss Universe and the universe was vulnerable to attack.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Clinton getting a blowjob is now the second most undignified thing to happen at this desk

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

"Open floor plan, granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances. That's all gotta go." - House Hunters 2050

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Dear Tom Cruise, Please come yell at America.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

9 years

Remember the debate when Al Gore rolled his eyes once and quietly sighed and we were all horrified by his undignified behavior?

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Ok Twitter, back to jokes about how long CVS receipts are

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

I just sold three different pilots named "Ok Boomer"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

2/3 of Dodgers cutouts should be looking at phones

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

I don't understand. We wrote so many jokes...

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Trump 1st draft response to Berlin tragedy: "Alec Baldwin a terrible actor. Stephen better."

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

We're just gonna have to be way more careful the next time we elect an ignorant racist soulless wannabe dictator pretend billionaire game show host criminal President

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

The Pursuit of Slappyness #Oscars

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

COPS: Nothing Ryan Lochte says makes sense. PRESS: About the robbery? COPS: Robbery?

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

TV execs 2000: “It’s a great pilot, but are there 100 episodes?” TV execs 2021: “It’s a great pilot, but are there 8 episodes?”

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be "the smart one"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

So everyone else walked and she flew on a dragon and was still late. Women. Am I right, guys? #GoTFinale

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Alabama polls close in 1956

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

Elizabeth Warren should do a debate residency in Vegas. @ewarren

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

THIS IS @JoeBiden AD I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. THEY PUT IN "HOAX" AND USED WORD "LIES". DON'T STOP.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

. @realDonaldTrump Love your tough talk about California trees. Care to share your genius on mass shootings? We had one of those, too, you ignorant coward. Keep fighting the war on wet hair.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

. @CNN We don't need to see "Why Trump Won" again. Please make a show called "How The Fuck Is He Still There?"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Thanks to movies & TV, I now expect every casual conversation in a car going thru an intersection to end in a horrible side-impact crash

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

I’m an old white guy and I’m getting tired of old white guys

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

I finally know what it would have been like if my dad became president

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

Why did I say yes to the Jada roast?!?!

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Just saw a commercial where the WIVES were the smart ones and the HUSBANDS were the idiots. FINALLY!

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

In 1978, Three's Company became the #1 show on TV and I thought, "Well, America can't get any dumber." I wasn't even close.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

@realDonaldTrump After we find out if our home is still standing, I'm flying to Washington to set your hair on fire, you compassionless piece of shit

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

The biggest lie sung by blues musicians was that they woke up in the morning.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

"THE BACHELOR" MANSION HAS NOT BURNED DOWN - officially making this the worst fire in California history

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

Sweaty Dennis Miller right now: "It's Wednesday in Hawaii for seven more hours! Stop looking at me!"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

"KANYE CAMPAIGN EXPLORES WHAT WENT WRONG"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

TRUMP: "I'm richer than you, smarter than you, and better than you!" SUPPORTERS: "Yayyyy!"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

"Attack on Rand Paul a mental health issue, not a landscaping dispute" - National Rake Association

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

. @LindseyGrahamSC Only way out of this: "You didn't let me finish. He should be President of the Universe!" You spineless piece of shit.

Lindsey Graham

@LindseyGrahamSC

9 years

Donald Trump is not a conservative Republican. He's an opportunist. He's not fit to be President of the United States.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

At end of tonight's Simpsons

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

Why does it always come down to Clint Eastwood vs Dick Van Dyke?

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

10 years

"Jesus Christ, get a look at these fucking idiots." - if my dad had introduced The Beatles instead of Ed Sullivan

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

A couple years ago, an actor friend texted me asking if I wanted to create a show together. I said Yes. We (along with my wife) sold it, did a pilot, and it was ordered to series. The packaging was done by us with that simple text exchange. No agencies involved. 1/9

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

1 year

But they’re only willing to pay for a Mini-Crisis Room

The Hollywood Reporter

@THR

1 year

AMPTP Hires New Crisis PR Firm As Strikes Go On

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

Dan Castellaneta is a genius

On This Day in Simpsons History 🇺🇦

@dailysimpsons

3 years

#OnThisDay #OTD April 11, 1999, "Mom and Pop Art" (S10E19) first aired on the Fox network. Dir: Steven Dean Moore. Wr: @AlJean . EP: @scullymike . Guest-starring Jasper Johns as himself and Isabella Rossellini as Astrid Weller. #TheSimpsons

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

2 years

Trump so mad at Ivanka he can barely imagine dating her

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Trump campaign just changed slogan from Make America Great Again to Good Seats Still Available

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

The best part of your show being renewed is not having to write a bullshit statement saying "We told the story we wanted to tell."

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Who knew that firing an FBI Director while he's investigating you could be so complicated?

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

2 years

Classified documents found in Martin Sheen’s house

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

I’m just glad Tanya Roberts didn’t live, then did live, then didn’t live to see this

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

A rare verbal misstep by our president

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

Watched the Michael Jackson doc in bed with the kids

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Remember how embarrassed America would get when George W mispronounced a word?

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

My days of wondering “is this joke smart enough for America?” are way the fuck over

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

On a train to San Diego and I've already got three murders to solve and a guy is waiting to fight me on top of the dining car as we rapidly approach a tunnel

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

My wife said the magic was gone from our relationship, so I sawed her in half. (Would love to say I wrote this joke 40 years ago, but it's been about 15 minutes)

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

As long as they have their hands thoughtfully behind their backs, speed skaters should also have to solve a twenty-year-old murder case.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

9 years

Just remembered that Joan Osborne called us all slobs in that song about God twenty years ago. Fuck her.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

. @realDonaldTrump Hope your ratings were strong, but you were up against strong Sunday afternoon competition of no sports or anything else because of pandemic you lied about and ignored until it was too late and thousands started dying.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

@latimes It's just Mike Love and not the real Brian Wilson version of Beach Boys. Calm down, Twitter.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Trump is now our five worst American presidents

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

"Y'know on my TV show, which was very high-rated, I used to say "You're fired" and now your home has been destroyed by fire, so that's crazy. Ratings went way down after they got rid of me. Big mistake. Okay, comforted? Remember to rake!" @realDonaldTrump

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

@realDonaldTrump Please hurry to California. We're running desperately low on paper towels and ignorance

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Trump prepares for speech to Congress

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

3 years

IATSE is a good union for many occupations. Writer is not one of them. Studios should stop forcing writers to join a second union so they can get their shows cheaper. It’s a 60 year old sweetheart deal that needs to end. All writers should be repped by WGA.

Julie Benson

@TheJulieBenson

3 years

“But Julie, you just wrote on Prodigy how can you be broke?!” Welp, I took the job because I love Star Trek & @brothershageman but in return got 1/3 of my live action rate, no residuals, no script fees & had to go down a level in title. Eye opening… 🤷‍♀️ #payanimationwriters

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

How could Trump get Covid? He had that mask in his jacket pocket

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

The most unbelievable thing about A Quiet Place is that four Americans can shut their fucking mouths for the length of a movie.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

5 years

I just hugged a guy and forgot to give him two pats on the back and now we're married

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

In honor of ⁦ @TheSimpsons ⁩ 30th anniversary, Empire State Building lit yellow tonight!

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

The amazing thing isn't that Trump donated to @KamalaHarris previous campaigns. It's that the checks cleared.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

12 years

A week after Oscars & I'm still reading complaints by women offended by joke about their "innate ability to never let anything go."

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

Picked the wrong week to pitch my Dukes of Hazzard reboot.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

I’m signing up for Space Force just to get the fuck outta here

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

My favorite scene in every movie is when a character is searching for someone, then sees a person whose back of the head looks a little like them, then turns them around and yells the incorrect name at them only to realize their mistake. Inspired filmmaking.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

I look up excited every time I hear the Cheers theme. Fuck you, Applebee’s

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

7 years

"There. I finally finished that fucking ice dancing song." - Leonard Cohen after writing "Hallelujah"

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

Instead of a crass Hollywood-style Inaugural Ball, Trump just wants a good old-fashioned Father-Daughter Dance.

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

6 years

(GIDDY) "See? That's why I had to betray you!" - @tedcruz to wife and father's grave

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

10 years

When the fuck did everyone get into hiking?!

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

8 years

#Oscars envelope handler will lead off next year's "In Memoriam" reel

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Mike Scully

@scullymike

4 years

Ok, @mattgaetz had sex with a minor, but he also did this brilliant joke about people dying of a disease he didn't care about. You've got to separate the art from the artist.

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