somehow gained 200 new followers, so here’s a mini intro-thread about me:
• i’m lys (they/them), 25, autihd/ocd/cptsd, bisexual+nonbinary (i don’t mind feminine compliments, but i’m not a girl/woman please don’t call me one)
• bigots can get fucked, you’re not welcome here
the hardest part about dating as an autistic adult is that my partner is going to have to (eventually) be my caretaker to some extent and lot of people just don’t wanna sign up for that
now that i took a week to simmer, i’m gonna clearly lay out my thoughts in detail because some of y'all are making all kinds of assumptions/implying shit i never said and are excusing it with “well i'm ND too" as if that lessens your inconsideration.
an obnoxiously long thread🧵
my roommate was in charge of keeping me alive when i was in college. reminded me to eat, helped out with chores, would go places with me because i couldn’t go out alone. in the 6mo she lived at home was a nightmare for me AND i was in a relationship but he couldn’t be bothered
right now i’m fine because i have support elsewhere, but i can’t live alone and we’d likely move in together eventually and i just do not want to experience the resentment my ex felt towards me for doing the bare minimum in terms of meeting my support needs
i don’t think anyone really deserves an explanation of my feelings/experiences, but the “you people can’t do anything crowd” loves to make disabled people feel bad for being impacted by their disability, so i think this could potentially be informative and i also need to vent.
@jasminepilled
i’m kinda the same way from raising my siblings growing up but even then i hit a wall sometimes where i burn out and all my energy goes towards resting for days so still not a great selling point 😭
@Spontyyy
oh for sure and unfortunately ableism is so deeply imbedded into everything that people’s willingness to adapt to those changes for someone they love isn’t as high as it should be, but i feel like getting into a relationship with a pre-existing disability is a bit different.
people also assumed that “i need a caretaker" meant that i would put in 0 effort and contribute nothing of value to the relationship, which i never said?
i am a fully autonomous adult, needing help in some areas of life doesn't mean i'm helplessly incapable of doing everything.
there are literally MULTIPLE genocides happening right now….
but yeah sure, if being held accountable for your racism is “the worst torture” you can possibly fathom—at that point, you deserve it.
first and foremost: i am AUTISTIC! god forbid i don't always articulate myself perfectly??
it's so annoying how everyone focused on the "struggles with chores" part and entirely glossed over that i typically can't even leave the house by myself or how living alone destroyed me.
**clarifying note that my current support needs require me to always have external help, but that’s not something i would expect a partner to immediately take over. i would however expect them to accommodate me (within reason) and even that’s too much for some people to handle.
this is why autistic people are the “perfect victims” for reactive abuse btw. once you trigger a meltdown, we entirely lose control of our emotions, behavior, rationality, etc. and look like the bad guy for *reacting autistically*
i should’ve specified “for me”, but this came from my PERSONAL experience of communicating my needs to previous/potential partners.
i also said *eventually* and *to some extent* meaning this isn’t something i’d ask for immediately nor am i expecting them to do shit for me 24/7.
more proof why it’s outrageous to cancel a show so close to its finale. idc if it aired every week, people need time, especially when it had a hate campaign running against it
posts like these are so refreshing, people just gotta give it a chance
#RenewTheAcolyte
#SaveTheAcolyte
Been watching the acolyte to see what all the buzz is about, and it fuckin rocks 5 episodes in. True shame it has been discontinued. Yall sign that petition.
y’all acted like i’m such a horrible, lazy person because i relied on my roommate for support, but if helping me was *that* much of a burden or inconvenience to her, i don't think she'd have lived with me for 5yrs in 4 different places. she had plenty of opportunities to stop.
i used the word caretaker in a very literal sense, meaning a person to help take care of me.
i know those recommending i *hire* a caretaker meant well, but they're not very accessible and i likely wouldn't even be comfortable with one—they'd cause more issues than they'd solve.
i wish i could just “suck it up”.
i wish i could just “get over it”.
i WISH trying harder was a viable option.
but i attempted all those things and it almost killed me, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ not much else i can really do about it other than actually live within my capabilities for once.
@DepressionIsMid
@leo4repro
it’s a hate group disguised as a charity for autism. they’re largely responsible for the anti-vax movement & support eugenics/abuse of autistic people. almost all of the money they receive goes towards propaganda & harmful research, barely any of it is used to help people.
i was very lucky because most friends, let alone roommates, wouldn't do that.
when she decided to move in with her boyfriend, i had to move home because i needed a support system and quite literally could not physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially afford to live alone.
i spent 4yrs on autopilot ignoring my needs/limitations because i didn’t know i was autistic and was determined to “reinvent myself” in uni. which led to a 3yr long burnout that i only recently dug myself out of, but it also caused skill regression and my support needs increased.
and unfortunately for me, cleaning, cooking, showering, other self-care tasks, appointments, shopping, even doing things i enjoy sometimes subtracts from that threshold. BUT having help lessens the load and increases how much i can handle or crosses it off the list completely.
i’ve never had a full time job. i’ll likely never be able to work a full time job. the jobs i can handle with my autism are limited and my daily energy threshold only allots me around 1-2 tasks/activities per day before i can't do anything else without the risk of burning out.
my employment status alone is usually enough to scare people off because i'll need financial support eventually and again, people don't want to sign up for that! and i don't think anyone is obligated to! that's what makes it the *HARDEST PART* about dating as an autistic person!
like i said i currently have support elsewhere, but there will come a time in my relationship, especially if we’re living together, that the bulk of that care will fall onto my partner. that doesn’t mean i won’t contribute anything at all, but i do need more support than average.
nonverbal is a diagnostic specifier for autistics with little-to-no verbal speech. there are qualifications to classify what makes someone nonverbal. it does not just mean “i am unable to/do not want to speak”. if you can speak the majority of the time, you’re not nonverbal. 1/3
I think we need a more fluid understanding of what constitutes 'non-verbal'.
As an
#ActuallyAutistic
person, I have days where I would much prefer to be non-verbal and it is painful and difficult for me to speak, then I have days where speaking comes much more easily.
@pot8um
for it to technically be classified as arfid, it has to occur to the extent where it causes nutritional deficiency/other negative health consequences. if so, then yes. if not, it’s the “typical” disordered eating habits associated with executive dysfunction
i got a lot of responses from people saying "oh this is just typical, bare-minimum relationship stuff" and yeah, to an extent maybe it is, but there's an added ableism component where labeling it as "i need help with [x] because of autism" makes people recoil almost immediately.
there’s also a huge difference between becoming disabled while already in an established relationship (although a high percentage of people do leave when their partner acquires a disability) vs. trying to initiate a relationship with a lifelong, preexisting disability to explain.
this includes clear/direct communication, asking for clarification of my intention/meaning/tone when confused, allow me to process things at my own speed, have patience to explain what i did if i unintentionally do something to upset you, respect my need for a routine, give me...
given their return to the platform & the fact that they’ve deleted most of the evidence of their past behavior, continued to infinitely double down on them, & has escalated those already dangerous beliefs, i updated the drive & will continue to update it for educational purposes.
then suddenly it's "you're asking for special treatment", "it's too much work", "stop acting entitled". and that's why i’m upfront about being autistic/my support needs. i know i'm not owed any of that, but it is the bare-minimum i need from someone in any kind of relationship.
initially people are intrigued by my authenticity. they like my curiousness and the passion i have for my interests. they appreciate how deeply i care about what’s important to me. that’s the autism they’re comfy with. until they inevitably see the flipside of how it disables me.
...space to feel my feelings when i'm dysregulated/help me identify those emotions, respect my boundaries with sensory limitations/helping me regulate overstimulation, support me in social situations/don't force me into situations i'm uncomfortable with, and probably a lot more.
that includes needing external support. whether it be something more involved like helping me with daily care tasks for example, or something universal like accommodations, which i need from everyone in my life because they’re necessary for me to relatively be able to function.
oh the irony of using ableism to condemn ableism….
(not at all defending the r slur, but people just as much need to remove *all* ableist words from their vocabulary, not just the slurs)
same goes for calling people dumb, stupid, idiots, crazy, insane, narcissistic, sociopathic, schizophrenic, insulting their IQ, calling them braindead, etc. to make a point.
you can still effectively make that same argument *without* entangling it in ableism/sanism, i promise!!
Getting really sick of people ruining a good point with the r slur.
Like what's the purpose?! It ruins the vibe and makes me think you're just an asshole
and yeah i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to meet my needs or resents me or treats me like a burden because they have to help me do certain things, but not a lot of people want to even try and that significantly reduces the dating pool options.
then there's another facet where before knowing i’m autistic, my (ex)bf found my traits quirky and endearing. after i learned i’m autistic/started labeling myself as such, suddenly the novelty wore off, his positive perception of those behaviors changed, and he couldn’t stand me.
i can't tell you how many convos i've had where i get the whole "you're a great person, i love your personality, you're so caring, etc. BUT..." spiel and the 'but' essentially boils down to "being disabled is a dealbreaker but i’d seem like an asshole if i outright said that".
🌲 only losing 200 followers from their fuckery is disappointing but unsurprising. i know they only get like 5 likes a tweet but there’s no fuckin way their followers haven’t seen the *100s* of posts drawing attention to their persistent racism. “strong sense of justice” my ass.
tbh i think verbal autistics/other ND people are just as guilty, if not worse because they’ll hide behind their neurodivergence if/when they get called out it for misusing it, then continue to disregard and speak over one of the most marginalized, vulnerable groups of autistics
i really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but eventually the pattern recognition starts recognizing shit and after that i can’t keep making excuses for people anymore
which i literally said IN THE TWEET that no one wants to sign up for that because i don't expect it from people and i'm very transparent from the beginning about what people are potentially getting into by entering a relationship with me as opposed to hiding that part of myself…
so instead i'm met with some convoluted bullshit excuse that i can’t interpret the implications of, just to end up hurt all over again when i inevitably realize "oh shit it was the autism…again", and then spiral over if i'll ever not be simultaneously too much yet not enough.
...and suffering because my needs are unmet. and tbh i can’t win because even if i could hide things until i’m locked in (i can’t mask for shit that wouldn’t work), i’d have people calling me manipulative/deceptive for not being upfront sooner. yet if i am, i’m asking too much?
it finally helped me understand *why* i'm like this, but that extra context for some can be the tipping point of "i don't wanna sign up for this". or they think i'm exaggerating then act like they got blindsided when i am in fact disabled and merely want those needs to be met.
idk why so many of you insensitive fucks flock to someone clearly struggling to process something and feel compelled to be so unnecessarily rude in response.
"skill issue" yes that is literally the point, congrats.
"cope" ..what do you think i was trying to do with that tweet???
living alone, coping with newly-identified autism, all while in the trenches of burnout (that i confused for depression at the time). the last thing i needed was to deal with a breakup on top it all. i may have felt incredibly isolated, but at least i wasn’t physically alone too.
he had no desire to meet me halfway, or even a quarter of the way, to make anything easier for me. we already had a whole laundry list of other issues and realistically we should not have lasted nearly as long as we did, but this was all happening while i was living by myself.
“late-dx people are still learning, they’re gonna make mistakes”
…. 😐
1) racism is not a mistake
2) regardless, this is why people shouldn’t jump into making content/being an authority on autism. trying to learn with a public platform of thousands of followers will cause harm
@bbirdbPhD
never said it wasn’t. but going into a potential relationship with the disclaimer of “hey here are all the things i can’t do for myself and will need your support for in order to live” tends to scare people off which was the point of my tweet
@ChaosRocket
i completely understand this and it’s one of the reasons why the “just date another autistic” person advice isn’t very helpful to me personally because a) conflicting support needs are very much a thing & b) it doesn’t seem fair to expect my needs to be met without reciprocating
and i think the worst part is that all these issues also translate to struggling making friends. not to the same extent, but trying to initiate a friendship with someone you barely know with all these stipulations just to be a functional friend to them really scares people off.
and that was all before i really even identified my needs, so it wasn’t like i was expecting anything other than patience/sympathy from him while i navigated this new perspective of my life, yet that was too much work. finding out i’m autistic couldn’t have been more bittersweet.
his plan was to destroy the only app that reliably disseminated information about current events from the people experiencing/witnessing them in real time. he made twitter unhelpful, insufferable, and unusable *on purpose*…that was the goal.
>buys Twitter
>initiates the worst rebrand of human history
>bot problem becomes 10000x worse
>Twitter Blue completely destroys ɓreply sections
>removes Twitter Circles
>ruins any service that uses the Twitter API, including posting from game consoles
What was his plan exactly?
like the contempt even other ND/disabled people have for DISABILITY is disgusting. no compassion, no sympathy, no sense of community. essentially just telling me that i'm unworthy of love and support and would just be better off dead. lovely! but sure I'M the problem…mkay…. (s)
and what do i get? loneliness! like yay, i have boundaries, i have standards, i have expectations. i also have so much love to give but it doesn't even matter because dating as a disabled person, especially one with social and communication difficulties, is borderline IMPOSSIBLE.
good morning autistics, are we finally ready to stop blaming all our problems on “neurotypical people” after realizing how many issues exist within our own community?
@onime_ann
there is a huge difference between initiating a romantic relationship with a pre-existing caretaker vs. a romantic relationship progressing into someone who lives with you and loves you filling that role because they want to ensure you’re supported and cared for.
almost 60k likes on this shit meanwhile her personal AND vp twitter accounts are full of “israel has a right to defend itself” bullshit. calling it disinformation despite there being hoards of supporting evidence that she is in fact a zionist is so…????
We are NOT doing this shit. Y’all need to stop using a genocide for tweets that y’all know will get interactions. Kamala Harris has been one of the most vocal supporters of a ceasefire and hostage release in this administration and disinformation only helps Trump. Enough.
fyi, if someone has their pronouns listed in their bio, and you use anything other than those pronouns, that is in fact misgendering them. doesn’t matter if “they” is ~technically~ gender neutral, if that person doesn’t use they/them, you are intentionally misgendering them.
btw🌲calling someone a flying monkey & claiming you meant it as the “psychology term” is equally as fucked up because it’s ableist AND racist at its core. and you wonder why no one believes your never ending web of self-infantilizing “but i’m autistic🥺👉🏻👈🏻” bullshit excuses 🙄.
if your “friends” cannot openly express how you made them feel, try to hold you accountable, and encourage you to be a better person—you do not want friends, you want a fan club
or even worse, there’s an added layer of judgement because despite also having some form of neurodivergence, they may be more capable of doing things that i can’t and have the same ableist mentality that a lot of allistic/NT people do. my mentions were FULL of people like this.
i got recommendations to date other autistic/ND people and contrary popular belief, my experiences with them in comparison to allistic/NT people aren’t too different. yeah they may understand a bit better, but there also can be conflicting support needs or different expectations.
which AGAIN is why i said it's the hardest part of dating as an autistic adult. people have certain expectations for an "ideal partner" and the way my autism affects me is usually the polar opposite of most those adjectives especially since *job* is so important for some reason.
then there’s the fact that they also deserve to be supported and accommodated, so depending on their personal needs, it’a not that I wouldn’t want to help, i may just not be able to meet them whether it be due to their extensiveness or conflicting with my own.
it just sucks because it took me so long to be able to identify my needs, then even longer to recognize how those needs can best be accommodated/supported, and then even longer to get comfortable enough to openly express my needs to others and communicate how they can meet them.
my bio says autistic + annoying so that's exactly what i'm going to be right now because this app is allergic to nuance:
1) having an autistic sibling doesn't make you a spokesperson for autism nor does it make you capable of discerning who is/isn't autistic over the internet
it’s also just very strange to see LSN autistics constantly discount support needs/levels as a whole by saying “well everyone has needs”, and then those same LSN autistics practically crucify anyone who doesn’t fit their perception of what an adult with autism “should look like”.
even more unpopular opinion, most of the “worries” people have about official diagnoses only apply to autistic people with HSN, which is ironic because most HSN autistics don’t have the choice to not get diagnosed because they NEED one. so it’s just fear-mongering.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but DO NOT get an offial autism diagnosis simply for validation. Only get one if you need it, practically, like to claim disability allowance for example. An autism diagnosis can and WILL be used against you. It is a legal liability everywhere.
one thing i find veeerrryyy interesting about the racist tree’s claims that they aren’t racist is that when interacting with replies from white people, it’s always “my words are being twisted, people are out to get me” but with bipoc it’s “you’re not interacting in good faith” 🤨
9/10 misogyny-affected autistics experience sexual assault in their lifetime
65% of those assaults happen before the age of 18
75% have faced more than one instance of sexual abuse
84% report at least one incident of victimization/abuse by adulthood
40-60% also meet ptsd criteria
no literally, the “quirkification” of autism has done irreparable damage to how it’s viewed as a disability because wdym your autism doesn’t affect you, wdym you don’t need help from anyone?? congrats i guess but that is not the case for like 99% of autistic people so maybe stfu!
@sagittariasss
I gotta say, this is an extremely tame and completely true tweet related to autism and people are still in the replies and qts talking about “well actually” and “im neurodivergent too”. It’s sort of bleak. Ppl genuinely do not understand it and it’s sort of frightening
it is not infantilizing to acknowledge and accept that i (and other disabled people) require external help and support from other people in order to live……what a strange thing to say……..
fucking hell, no! if boyfriend decided on playing caretaker to me i would fucking set him on fire. fuck that. stop infantilising yourself. live by society’s rules or don’t but your not a fucking child!
@Spontyyy
esp with autism, people will find my “quirks” endearing at first, until they get to know me better & learn how i’m impaired by them. my use of ‘eventually’ was more so to relay how it’s not an expectation at the beginning of the relationship, but something i’d require long term.