rufus jones @rufusjones1 Twitter profile

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rufus jones

2 years

my biannual shoutout for any recommendations for no-lyrics music to write to. I'm currently scribbling to Eno, Goldmund, Richter, Hammock and Hopkins, which I know sounds like a Dickensian law firm but there we are. Thanks in advance. x

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Last Seen Profiles

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@kupretsan

@stw_pdg

@golosobi22

rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

On Christmas Eve I walked through Heathrow with a passport check. Nothing else. No swab test. No checking of my Fit To Fly document. Not even a temperature check. It is harder to get into fucking Wagamama than it is to the UK.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

If I was Labour, I would call them The Christmas Party and I would never stop doing it.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

It’s tomorrow mate.

Harry Kane

@HKane

3 months

Ready. 🦁🦁🦁

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

The beautiful Nick Cave responding to a fan’s question about his son’s death. Good Lord.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Harder to do this on live tv than you might think

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 months

The Bellend D’or.

Politics UK

@PolitlcsUK

5 months

🚨 NEW: Rishi Sunak plays football on the campaign trail

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

What’s his constituency? The fucking sun?

BBC Politics

@BBCPolitics

4 years

Conservative MP Robert Courts says he thinks Dominic Cummings' actions were reasonable "when I look at the explanation that's been given" "When you look at the regulations as they were, the question you have to decide is whether he had a reasonable excuse"

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

Michael Fabricant has the air of a man who came ninth in a Donald Trump Lookalike Competition, went to Turkey to surgically alter himself to look more like Donald Trump, re-entered the Donald Trump Lookalike Competition, and came tenth.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

This is like the Arrested Development pilot.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

If I were to write a script about a man who achieved power by lying about NHS cost savings on the side of a bus, the third act would involve him having to utterly prioritise and depend on the NHS for the survival of the nation. Tick- and indeed Tock- Motherfucker.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

Rioters in Southport. It is important at moments like this to remember that these are not disenfranchised and frustrated young men who have been failed by society. They are in fact simply racist wankers.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Someone said how watching Sean Lock laugh at someone else was as delightful as him making you laugh. I think that’s true. Good old Joe absolutely crippling the studio with this, and the master is helpless. Magic.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Well you can tell by the way I use my walk, I’m a woman’s man, no time to talk.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

Boris Johnson delivers his letter to The European Union.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 months

Stormy Daniels

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

He would honestly look less like a serial killer if he were dancing naked in his basement with his cock between his legs.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 months

Via my old friend Jason, a terrific retrospective.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 months

Wolves to Dance With, To Dance With Wolves.

David Mitchell

@RealDMitchell

5 months

Kevin Costner is looking a lot like Bruce Forsyth these days.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

He doesn’t look ten years older. He doesn’t look ten years younger. Is it possible to look ten years sideways?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Off plane from South Africa At 6am yesterday. Police round at 2pm to check I’m quarantining. That, frankly, is the zero bullshit approach I’ve been waiting for.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Oh Viz, how I love thee.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

On holiday in Crete. Waiter taking our order. In front of the restaurant, 3 kids get into trouble out to sea. Waiter strips off, runs in, swims out and brings them in. He’s now back to take our order. Bloody hell.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

- “What The Pitta”. - Sorry? - “What The Pitta”. - Okay. How does that work? - Well, it’s a play on words. - What’s it a play on? - “What The Fuck”? - I’m not sure that’s what a play on words is. - Well, What would you call it? - I don’t know. “I Pitta The Fool”? - What?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Hi @Chartwells_UK - you are right at this moment the most repulsive company in the UK. Given the competition, this is a staggering achievement. I’m not quite sure how you’ve lowered the morality of a catering company to the level of a Yemeni defence contractor, but here we are.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

7 months

Man. That’s a photo.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

I’ve not seen a sketch land so nimbly and perfectly on SNL as this in years. Proper crafted writing. And the fact it’s Nate Bargatze as GW- relative unknown, first time host- is wonderful. Proper star is born moment for me.

Saturday Night Live - SNL

@nbcsnl

1 year

George Washington’s dream for America

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Holiday up in Elie, Scotland. Try even walking into a shop without a mask. Hand sanitizer by every door. Strict number policy in every shop. Everyone on board, no confusion. Scotland completely on top of this.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

One day, a female tv character will be allowed to consume a hot drink without cupping the mug snugly in both hands.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

I owe this wonderful man so much.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Ever since the New York Times bought Wordle, every word has been so damn pleased with itself, like that barbershop quartet who sing Constance Fry at the tennis club in Trading Places.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

I’m not a gamer, but I did a voice for this game years ago, and I think I get more comments about it than anything else. Glad it’s liked!

Nintendo of America

@NintendoAmerica

4 years

Get ready for the 5/29 release of #XenobladeChronicles Definitive Edition with this new video highlighting the game’s world, characters, combat, new epilogue chapter, and much more! Pre-purchase this modern RPG classic today:

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

My Dad died yesterday. I wrote a few words about him.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

2 years

Alan Rickman. He went - years before me- to my school. In 1990, Die Hard was out - he was a God. He came back to our school to watch a comedy night and was inspirationally nice to my 14 year old self. I left an hour later, and saw him still waiting for the bus. He was great.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Absolute £4.99 Cock Pump of a job title. Weirdos. I’ve never seen a flag actually embarrassed before.

Simon Jones

@SimonJonesNews

4 years

The Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has appointed former National Crime Agency executive Dan O'Mahoney as the UK's Clandestine Channel Threat Commander. He will work to make the Channel route 'unviable' for small boat crossings.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

Super tribute to Solskjaer at Camp Nou. Every time the Barcelona players pass the ball, the crowd shout Ole’. Lovely touch.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

This is such an excellent and exquisitely written sketch. Anyone know who? A glass of champagne from table 2 in their direction.

Tom

@Flynny123

1 year

That Holly apology in full #ThisMorning

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Sean Lock seemed to float above all the schools and cliques and vogues of comedy by just being incredibly funny to absolutely everyone. Very few people achieve that. What a brilliant guy.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

NO clip - none- has give me more delight and laughter over the last few years than this one.

BBC Earth

@BBCEarth

6 years

Neanderthals didn't sound QUITE how you might have thought 👀 @BBC

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

“106” at the end made me laugh SO much.

Angry Scotland

@AngryScotland

1 year

I still can’t believe America is a real place. It’s like an AI generated reality show that never ends.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

12 years or so?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

People have been prevented from attending the burial of their parents, you unspeakable turd.

Michael Gove

@michaelgove

4 years

Caring for your wife and child is not a crime

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

@GaryLineker Doing bleep tests every pint, Gary. I’ll be fine.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

The K in Michael K Williams stands for Kenneth and one of the first things I ever did on Twitter was contact him and tell him who Kenneth Williams was. He was intrigued, and we briefly chatted about a Carry On clip I sent him. The thrill was - I suspect- completely mine.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Met you a thousand times, mate. Yeah yeah the nation’s at an existential crossroads is it okay if I do this little flick with my blazer it’s kind of my calling card. Don’t worry, Isle Of Wight Waxwork Will Carling, this time next year it’ll all be dingo cocks with Dane Bowers.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

This is the best clip I’ve seen that illustrates the filming experience. Stop start stop start. Dive in. Climb out. Messy messy. A substantial performance flicked on and off, nothing method monastic. Pick the bones out of that one, Bob. Getting it wrong is part of the process.

Eyes On Cinema

@RealEOC

4 years

Tom Hanks and Robert Zemeckis on the set of Forrest Gump

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

From a review of the diaries of war doctor David Nott.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Stan & Ollie is on at 8:25pm on BBC1 tonight. A rather lovely drift downstream, away from the hurtling rapids of daily life. Steve and John are pretty special in this. Here I am urgently chasing my lines after a 6am rewrite.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

Masterful

William Mullally 🍝

@whmullally

6 years

Want to hear a joke?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

Deeply classy.

The Betoota Advocate

@BetootaAdvocate

5 years

Gold Coast Hospital Staff Roll In A Volleyball To Keep Tom Hanks Company In Quarantine:

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

That squeaking noise you just heard is 15 million parents’ corkscrews.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

There we go. Interviewer presses him, he turns to dog food. Wasn’t so hard. Where the hell have the American press been for 4 years?

Carole Cadwalladr

@carolecadwalla

4 years

Oh my god

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

7 years

You approved Jimmy Savile's managerial role at Broadmoor. Forgive me if I don't defer to your expertise in National Health.

Edwina Currie

@Edwina_Currie

7 years

If "3 million UK children go hungry in the school holidays" then why aren't hospitals full of malnourished kids? Maybe.. just not true, eh?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

So hard to find a metaphor for anything these days.

Adam Clark

@adamclarkitv

4 years

A large part of the White Cliffs of Dover has collapsed this afternoon. This footage was filmed at Samphire Ho.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

Anyone know an Arctic Base with a team of vulnerable and paranoid researchers? It’s for a Thing.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

2 years

This is the most John Shuttleworth thing that ever happened. And it happened at a John Shuttleworth concert. Only to be read in his voice.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Hi All. Sadly we will not be having a third series of Home on Ch4. It’s rare you get to write a hero’s quest in such literal terms. I’ll never have a greater privilege than writing for @YoussefKerkour , Rebekah Staton, @OakleeP , @_AaronNeil and everyone else. Sami. Habibi. Yalla.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 months

When I was v young, I met Brett backstage- he was playing Holmes, and was dying. But his performance was magnificent. He asked if I wanted to act and I said yes. He said DO IT, while putting on a top hat and a skeleton earring. Those were his going home clothes. What a guy.

Sherlock Holmes.

@ELEMENTARY_221B

6 months

40 years ago today: The Sherlock Holmes Granada series premiered, introducing Jeremy Brett in his most iconic role. #JeremyBrett

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

This is like when Vader picks up The Emperor and fucks him off down that hole.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Is it possible to punch a government? Asking for a country.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

7 years

It is notoriously difficult to sum up Brexit in a single metaphor, but I must say I do respond to the image of David Davis at the funfair, putting his last 50p into a Crane Grab Machine full of turds.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

Kwarteng on Channel 4. Like inviting the Iceberg to the Titanic’s birthday party.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

I look at all these shocked Republicans and all I see is Hans Gruber pretending to be a hostage.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

11 months

RIP Joss Ackland. A mighty actor, and totem of that first wave of British Hollywood bastards. May flights of angels sing thee to thy diplomatic immunity.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

8 years

Didn't like AA Gill the reviewer. Seemed like the brilliant, bored schoolboy at the back of the class. But by God, when he cared...

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

God I’d forgotten this. Masterly.

Monty 💖💜💙

@MontyDomme32

1 year

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

The hairpulling frustration of all this is that the BBC accepts blame with a simplicity and candour that is entirely absent as a character trait from every politician that seeks to demolish it over this affair.

BBC News (UK)

@BBCNews

3 years

The responsibility of rehiring Martin Bashir in 2016 “sits with me” Former director of BBC News, James Harding says he wouldn’t have given him the job had he known about Bashir’s conduct ahead of the 1995 Panorama interview

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

May I remind you not to buy that fucking paper?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

On a day when the media’s treatment of celebrities is under the saddest and angriest of scrutinies, and on a day when the Government’s dismantling of the BBC became explicit, a reminder that transcendent celebrity journalism can exist. And it’s on the BBC.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 months

Gotham sleeps safely tonight.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Full vaccination of teaching staff, please. Both jabs, Fucko.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

2 years

I had the privilege of writing a show for Robbie Coltrane recently, and spent some unforgettable time with him. He talked about meeting his heroes, unaware that I was meeting one of mine. We had a Rioja and sang Do Not Forsake Me from High Noon. I’m very sad. What a force.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

Pretty sure she’s going to come out in a straw hat and sell them a monorail.

Jon Sopel

@jonsopel

1 year

Busiest room in Manchester is not in the conference centre. It’s the room where ⁦ @trussliz ⁩ is about to speak. That’s where the real buzz is

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

11 months

I’ll miss that smile.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Can’t wait to watch the FBI lead out Trump and 37 identically dressed Melanias.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Without wanting to let daylight in upon magic, this is a sketch by Ghanaian comedian Akwasi Boadi. When I found out, I briefly mourned the fact it wasn’t real, but then realised I’d just seen one of the funniest men in the world for the first time. All Hail Akwasi.

Nooruddean

@BeardedGenius

4 years

I cannot stop laughing. Literally tears in my eyes

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

A psychiatric facility where patients have convinced themselves they are members of The A Team.

Ian Miles Cheong

@stillgray

1 year

Joe Rogan fires an arrow at the cybertruck while Elon smokes a cigar. It’s arrowproof.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

This is like something a dwarf says in Twin Peaks.

John Redwood

@johnredwood

6 years

It's because the EU is no bowl of cherries many of us wish to go. There are no cherries to pick. Now we pay for our own cake & for other countries' cake too. I look forward to paying just for our own cake, making more of it at home. Then we can have better cake & more prosperity.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

Imagine being Charles now. Last 24 hours of being a normal guy.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

11 years

Sherlock in big coat on roof looking out across London cityscape. Sees Daniel Craig doing exactly same thing on next building. Little wave.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

Very, very pleased to announce this.

British Comedy Guide

@BritishComedy

6 years

Channel 4 orders new sitcom series 'Home', written by and starring Rufus Jones. It's about a Syrian refugee who starts living with a family in the UK.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

And by the way, you are now required by law to immediately punch anyone who talks about DELIVERING Brexit. This is not a baby. No promise of a new, exciting life. How about Shit Brexit? “I believe we can Shit a Brexit that will satisfy the British Public”.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Community surrounds police van to prevent two immigrants from being taken away. The police stood down, the men walked free. Glasgow’s the heartbeat of this fractured kingdom.

Peter A Smith

@PeterAdamSmith

3 years

The 2 men have asked to say thank you to the Glasgow crowd. @itvnews

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

1 year

Friend of mine just told me about being at a Withnail screening in early 2000s. Richard E and Paul M present for a q&a. At the end the interviewer said we have one more star of the film… a man at the back suddenly shot up and screamed GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN. it was him.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

6 years

Thinking of Delboy and Rodney at this difficult time.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

What’s the greatest dish of food you ever had? Me- a plate of mozzarella, tomato and artichoke in a small Roman restaurant. Ate it alone, felt like kissing every fellow diner on the head it was so fucking delicious.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

2 years

One of the finest pieces of journalism written in the last 30 years.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

My dad’s in the CIA and I’d show you his jetpack but I’d have to kill you.

Adam Bienkov

@AdamBienkov

5 years

Boris Johnson says he does have some ideas to solve the Northern Ireland backstop but he's not going to share them right now.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Both newspaper and man seem habitually unhaunted by events that would shame normal people into self-exile. So fucking excuse me if- in every sense- I don’t buy it. And the next time you lead national mourning, how about not turning up looking like you’ve just fucked the florist?

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

2 years

Happy Valley’s old school transmission reminds you how looking forward to a communal 9pm tv show can really get you through a tough week. There’s a reason why we Binge Boxsets- it’s ultimately not as satisfying.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

8 years

This, by Clive James, via @realkatybrand , unsurprisingly bullseyes Victoria Wood's molten talent and influence.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

As a parent of twins, NO waiters wrangle toddlers with better care and empathy than Pizza Express waiters. It’s basically a crèche made of dough, and if it goes under, life for many parents gets a bit more difficult.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

5 years

Compelling argument here from Chernobyl Lloyd Grossman.

Our Future, Our Choice

@OFOCBrexit

5 years

After @Femi_Sorry was done getting water thrown at him and poked in the face with flagpoles at the Brexit Party rally, he bumped into Breitbart's @JamesDelingpole !

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

I remember @MattHancock asking footballers to do more during the pandemic. Presumably he meant this.

BBC Breakfast

@BBCBreakfast

4 years

"I once had to go through that same system" In a TV exclusive with #BBCBreakfast @MarcusRashford explains why he's calling for a u-turn over the decision to end free school meal vouchers in England over summer. More here:

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Still not sure how Ghislaine Maxwell’s going to juggle this with the German National team.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Chasing Payments.

Adele Daily

@adeledailynet

3 years

Prices • Adele @ Hyde Park London: — General Admission: £90.45 — Primary Entry: £111.85 — Gold: £273.95 — Diamond VIP Experience: £379.95 — VIP Terrace: £434.95 — Ultimate Bar Diamond and Ultimate Terrace = £579.95 Pre-sale now:

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

3 years

Gambon was at the end of a run playing Lear- Postlethwaite was his Gloucester. Pete had a holiday booked for Greece straight after it finished. Matinee full of Japanese tourists- Gambon bored. That afternoon, Lear exiled Gloucester with the line, AND YOU-FUCK OFF TO CORFU.

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1

4 years

Pretty sure the inventor of the Lie Detector looked at the Defibrillator guy and thought gee that would have been a good name.

5

80

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rufus jones

@rufusjones1