Tweet Davidson @kristin2eyes Twitter profile

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Tweet Davidson

7 months

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything. Except reach the top shelf, I can't do that.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

When people tell me I look familiar, I always tell them I do porn.

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@kristin2eyes

3 months

@BigTucsonDad I love that you specified pound for pound 😅

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@kristin2eyes

3 years

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@kristin2eyes

4 years

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

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@kristin2eyes

18 days

I don't think people around the country realize just how horrific this has been. Entire towns have been washed away. Asheville, NC, a brewery and art mecca, has been completely underwater and mud) for days. We need help. These communities will never be the same.

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@kristin2eyes

1 year

I'm about to be 38.

H. Pearl Davis

@pearlythingz

1 year

The delusion is so sad that you guys really still think you’re that hot at 35. No not really sorry to break the news

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@aubviouslynot "Hahaha just kidding" whyyyyyy do they do that grossss

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Oh, you don't have a Valentine for Valentine's Day? I didn't have a groundhog for Groundhog Day. Did you even think about that??

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

I am way too classy of a lady for whatever you're about to suggest... ...but say it out loud anyway just in case

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

#supermarketstakeout Competitor: You paid $75? Can I buy your groceries for $150? Me: I will only sell you this perfect cart of carefully thought out groceries if I can walk over and meet @guarnaschelli on a commercial break.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

6 months

@kyylien @ShaunPolitical "Feminist Farming" 🤣🤣

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

If you need a humbling reminder, here it is. The hottest person you've ever seen in your life still has diarrhea sometimes.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Trying to mentally prioritize my to-do list for today and somehow shower beers just moved up to spot #1

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

By the way, I fucking hate the Beatles. Unpopular Opinion, IDGAF

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@cumcowgirl Force-feeding them kale smoothies

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

This is your regular reminder to treat your servers well and please tip generously. Outside is starting to open back up and your servers have been home crying for 3 months.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Raisins are just grape jerky. Fight me.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

18 days

@wxbrad Checked on my friends and family in Asheville. No electric, no water, no roads.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

@TOhio77 Sounds predatory and gross but you do you 🤷‍♀️

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

The worst thing about being an adult, HANDS DOWN, is that no one tells you when to eat or go to bed.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

I just wanted to share this cute pup named Niko who came to visit my bar last night. Have a good day.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@Skoog Wtf is even wrong with this person

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

People think I'm really funny until they realize my "jokes" are just me talking about my actual real life. Then they're suddenly horrified.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Happy Sunday Funday

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Any room can be a Panic Room if your anxiety is bad enough.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

The CDC recommends shoving an entire bar of soap in your butthole daily for personal hygiene. And just as an added bonus, you might fart bubbles.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

"Riding The Goose" sounds like a euphemism for something ridiculous but it's actually just the name of a statue in Central Park.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Whew

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Okay, hear me out, it's like 7-eleven but they're open 7 hours a day, 11 days a week.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

I'm just a regular girl, trying desperately to unfuck my life, one day at a time.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

@aubviouslynot Jesus, Aubrey. Just... holy fuck. I am so sorry.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 months

@OKWildlifeDept This is absolutely one of the best accounts on Twitter.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

@aubviouslynot I don't know why you're laughing, it looks like they all have coupons. Clearly doing you a favor.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

If you see me today please don't look me in the eyes, I am way too horny to be out in public this is fucking ridiculous

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

I just remembered that I have an air fryer I have never used and I have frozen fries and onion rings. Please excuse me while I set up this crunchy orgy in my kitchen.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

I could really go for a sandwich and getting my back blown out right now.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

If you watch @FoodNetwork and tell me you don't love @guarnaschelli then I just can't trust you or your opinions on food.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Yeah boiiiii

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

Ah, the return of my favorite boob dress.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

My leggies look cute tonight so here you gooooo Don't mind the random bruises

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

9 days

Woman at a bar who I literally just met: This guy is such a great guy. I can't date him because I'm still in love with my dead husband. But you should absolutely date him. Me: 😳😬

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Hi

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Normalize emotional support tacos.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

@aubviouslynot

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

@jacksoncapper Ooooo thank you so much for the advice, I clearly need it. Shame on dirty beer. I need a big strong man to take care of me! Next stop, removing my evil tattoos and demon owl jewelry.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@smileitsfree44 Can the pony men all DM me, thanks

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@aferalintellect ❤️❤️❤️

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

8 months

@giftlovej Yes, thanks! $kristin2eyes

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

oh hey sorry i didn't reply I'm just not in the mood to be sexually harassed right now

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@portmanteauface @3dog101 I actually say jiff on purpose because it upsets everyone around me. And I say me-me. Everyone loses their shit.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Found a bunch of nuts and bolts and random pieces but I don't know what they're from. Since I'm an adult now do I just save them forever "just in case"? Is that how this works?

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Don't let anyone bring you down. Unless they're bringing you down a sandwich.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Happy Birthday to me! RT and get me some followers 🙂

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

You know when you actually open up to someone you're very close with and then... Me: I'm feeling depressed about my body lately Friend: then change it Oh thanks never thought of that but funny story this is why I don't open up to you ever okay good talk bye

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Join the fanclub. I'm kinda cute sometimes. Ya girl needs some support and help right now.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Happy Sunday Funday

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

My last selfie in NY. Do I look ready to go? Because I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. Wish me luck. ❤️

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

"You are a terrifying and enchanting woman" Oh, why thank you.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Might fuck around and be productive today

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

An app like Tinder but it's called Tenders. Where people who WANT Chicken Tenders can match with people willing to drop off Chicken Tenders. Out of the goodness of their heart. Matches can also be based on sauce preferences.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Looks like @LarrysTwin99 has been traveling...

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

How is my Valentine's Day going? Excellent. It's 5pm, I'm still in my pajamas, I'm going to order enough sushi for 5 people and enjoy some sort of alcohol.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

*working at the brewery* 60yo lady, in heels & sequins: Honey I need a double Tito's Club with cran & lime & 2 BudLite bottles. Me: Ma'am we have NONE of those things here. Her: Are you fucking serious? What kind of bar is this? Me: This is a brewery. We make beer. Her: Bitch!

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@rogerthatbee @DrakeGatsby Crapulent is a winner

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

9 months

Me, yelling to the cat at 4pm: MOMMY IS ON HER 3RD GLASS OF WINE, GET READY TO PARTY, PENNY!!! Cat: 😾 Me, by 7pm: 😴😴😴

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

@LarrysTwin99 Your choice of photos kills me every time 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@_Llamazing The right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

This woman is out of control. I just keep throwing money at her and she keeps blowing me away.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

@rachelharvs @BigJDubz You have clearly been training for this moment and I gotta say, it's just not fair to the rest of us

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Wow it would be really cool if I could get my shit together today. I don't see it happening, but it would be cool.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

MY BABIES ARE FINALLY HERE IN MY HOUSE!!!! My 2 kittens and my daughter. All at once. My heart is so full. 💓

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@JPLFR80

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Boss 1: So when girls go into the bathroom together, do they watch each other pee? Me: Not usually. Do you look at the dick of the guy next to you at urinals? B1: Only if it's bigger than mine. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

Meow, let's see your skulls today!

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@JPLFR80 I wanna play, too!

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

@Darlainky Huge group in my area has been playing Ding Dong Ditch but with booze and calling it "Wine Fairies" and honestly there is nothing better. I especially love the ones that dress up ridiculous when they do their Fairy Dustings. 🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️🍻🍻🍻

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Hi, I'm Julia's mom and tbh, I'm both hotter AND cooler than Stacy's mom.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

5 years

@Skoog But what if you're just shorter than typical inseams

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

9 months

I don't watch football so I don't know who Taylor Swift is, but he sure sounds fast.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

I just found out my sister orders olive & pineapple pizza so now I have to disown her AND change my name.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@AndrewIsHisName Happy Flannel Friday!

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

1 year

@giftlovej $kristin2eyes

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

this cat is pretty bossy for a chubby freeloader who naps all day

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Thanks to anxiety, I have 3 moods. 1. Everyone is in love with me. 2. Everyone hates me. 3. Everyone hates me because they're in love with me. You can imagine how conflicted I feel daily.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

3 years

Holy fuck. It is so cold in my room right now that I am wearing thick flannel pajamas and 3 blankets and I am still shivering. I am not going to survive this winter.

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@kristin2eyes

3 years

Me, calling out of work: Yeah, sorry, bro.... These shiny Pokemon ain't gonna catch themselves.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

The entire New York City area is mother fucking hot mess right now. Holy shit.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

@CaucasianJames

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

8 months

@giftlovej $kristin2eyes

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

Starbucks made a coffee with added vitamins and I ain't even gonna lie, that is one of the whitest things I've ever seen.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

BRO I SLEEP WITH SO MUCH CUTE PUSSY

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

4 years

"WHEW, I am so glad there are angry, entitled men on the internet who tell me what I should or shouldn't do and that I'm wrong all the time. I'd be in bad shape without them." -said NO woman, EVER.

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Tweet Davidson

@kristin2eyes

2 years

@JPLFR80