rob corddry @robcorddry Twitter profile

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

And before I go to bed, as always, Fuck Mel Gibson.

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@robcorddry

7 years

Stop weighing Weinstein against Louis. Quit the narrative about who’ll be back. No “innocent until proven guilty” until someone is charged. All this preserves the toxic environment that allowed bad behavior. Instead preserve the safe space for victims to keep coming forward.

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@robcorddry

7 years

And enough with letting Louis off the hook because he confessed. His standup is about humiliation. Getting off on masturbating in front of women is about humiliation. His confession was willfully humiliating. It’s all one. His confession is part of his compulsion

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@robcorddry

6 years

My wife: Bill Cosby got 3-10 years. 12yo daughter: Who's Bill Cosby? My wife: He's a sexually violent predator... and America's dad. 12yo: He's probably a lot of peoples' dad. *pause* Me: You can quit school and do comedy if you want.

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@robcorddry

8 years

Batman's an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

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@robcorddry

5 years

Stop making plugs that take up two spaces on a power strip. Your arrogance is astonishing.

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@robcorddry

8 years

8000 women marched on DC in 1913 and they won the right to vote. 500,000 estimated today in DC alone. #WomensMarch

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@robcorddry

8 years

Feel bad for @RealDonaldTrump Worked hard to become president and he's not really in charge. Not tremendous. Very sad #StopPresidentBannon

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@robcorddry

1 month

@OliviaMesser I’ll be quoting this enough to convince myself it’s an original thought and that I’m a genius

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@robcorddry

6 years

My wife: Pass me the saddest part of the paper please Me: The first section? My wife: No, Weekend Arts you fucking idiot Me: It’s Wednesday there is no- My wife: -Give me the whole fucking paper right now Me: Ok, but when I tweet this you’re gonna come off like the bad guy

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@robcorddry

10 months

My sister Laura was supposed to give a TedX Talk last week. She didn’t make it. But it’s important that you have the chance to read it. To see life, as she said, “through the lens that was thrust upon her.” So here it is. I miss you Laura.

Laura Corddry’s 2023 TEDxAmoskeagMillyard Talk — TEDxAmoskeagMillyard

Laura Corddry, TEDxAM 2023 Speaker

www.tedxamoskeagmillyard.com

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

Me: That star is Venus Daughter: Venus rhymes with penis Me: Yup Daughter: Speaking of penis... (I live infinite lifetimes of possibility in 1 second) Daughter: Penis rhymes with genius Me: No, but you’re my favorite daughter

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@robcorddry

7 years

News breaking now: No evidence of wiretapping of Trump Tower. Means Trump is bad (sick?) guy.

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@robcorddry

6 years

The Greatest Showman would have done better if PT Barnum had Wolverine claws. And if they called him Wolverine. And he fought crime and the movie was called Wolverine.

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@robcorddry

4 years

My usual day: Wake up. Eat an edible. Get as much done as possible before it kicks in. Spend 30 minutes wondering if I'm high. Hide under my bed.

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@robcorddry

8 years

"It was super neat that people feel comfortable sticking up for themselves and their country." -my 10yr old daughter #WomensMarch

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@robcorddry

6 years

Dear @TheRock , My dear friend @hwinkler4real has asked me for only one thing during the course of our long friendship and I have failed the man. Will you please give him an autographed photo, so Henry and I can repair our friendship? Your best friend, Rob

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Fuck Mel Gibson

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@robcorddry

8 years

"I was so happy to be a part of history. I was also very happy to be a part of this amazing march." -My 8 yr old daughter #WomensMarch

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@robcorddry

4 years

He incited a riot in which four people died and his punishment is getting temporarily locked out of Twitter. I wish the US gov had been my parents growing up.

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@robcorddry

7 years

After seeing the video of Roy Moore riding a horse to the polls: My wife: Well, they really knocked him off his high horse today. Me: A+

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@robcorddry

7 years

Today I’m thankful for Fuck Mel Gibson

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@robcorddry

8 years

"America is great because she is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." -Alexis de Tocqueville

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@robcorddry

7 years

I realized my ultimate problem with Trump. I'm an Eagle Scout and a patriot and I no longer respect the office of the president.

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@robcorddry

7 years

My wife: Who’s Chris Hayes? Me: Chris Hayes is the guy who comes before Rachel Maddow. My wife: Of course he comes before her. (pause) Me: Oh. Because he’s a man. My wife: *hysterical laughter* Me: You’re on a roll, huh?

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@robcorddry

7 years

This is SO important to ALL Americans: I just farted so loud that my acoustic guitar, 6 feet away, vibrated with the most beautiful tone

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@robcorddry

7 years

In case you've forgotten (because it seems like you've forgotten): Fuck Mel Gibson. Goodnight.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

OK, gimme a sec here. Fuck this fat, squinty, billionaire narcissist and his long fascist tie. You suck, you scared child. OK, I apologize.

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@robcorddry

8 years

The Bowling Green Massacre will be taught in schools as a battle fought against an idiot propagandist whose brain was smaller than her mouth

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@robcorddry

7 years

I don’t believe anything Trump says unless he finishes with “Everyone knows that”. Then I believe him. Because you can’t make that shit up.

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@robcorddry

9 years

BEHOLD. The trailer for BALLERS. Premieres after True Detective June 21 at 10pm on HBO http://t.co/Gd90eerPRW @TheRock @HBO #Ballers

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@robcorddry

4 years

My friend has a friend who wipes down bananas with bleach and my friend wants to know if that’s crazy. And yes, I am the friend in this story. I’m also the other friend.

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@robcorddry

7 years

My wife: The kids are eating pop rocks and scratching lottery tickets. Me: It’s Jesus’s birthday.

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@robcorddry

6 years

Me: Hey, did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? My 12yo: Just tell me the punchline Me: It’s good but it doesn’t have any atmosphere. 12yo: Hm. Ok. *pause* How many stars does it get? *pause* Me: You win again

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@robcorddry

7 years

In puberty I was like James Bond but always within reach of a basset hound. @nickkroll #PuberMe #PuertoRicoRelief

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@robcorddry

7 years

Can we say that anyone who votes for Roy Moore is a pedophile? That’s too far, right?

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Halfway to Oakland Int Airport in the back of an Uber is no place to read that the company is run by a scumbag. #DeleteUber

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@robcorddry

8 years

Let it be said about my daughters one day: "...Nevertheless, she persisted." #persist #letlizspeak

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@robcorddry

4 years

Anyone need distilled water or blank cassette tapes? I stocked up on the wrong stuff.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

@realDonaldTrump You’re a rapist

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@robcorddry

8 years

Chances of being killed by immigrant: 1 in 3.6 million refugee: 1 in 3.46 billion assault w/firearm: 1 in 25,000

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

7yo daughter: My nose is a booger museum and my fingers are the visitors. Me: ...are you a genius?

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

I have decided to stick to love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. -MLK

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Hey @realDonaldTrump 44% approval rating is the lowest of any president at this stage EVER! Sad.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

4 years

Thank you black women #BLM

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

Wife: The Romans were gluttons. They overdid everything. 11yo daughter: You can't overdo water parks.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

FUCK!

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

3 years

*After a long sermon on Easter to my Jewish family* 14yo: Can you name all 12 disciples? Me: Um... sure? My Wife: What can you name more of... disciples or members of the Wu-Tang Clan? *long pause* Me: Wu-Tang Wife: Right. Now taste this matzoh ball. Is it too dense?

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

5 years

My day is ruined. Can't stop thinking about Shakira playing air-guitar with an actual guitar. And with a capo on the second fret but no cord or remote pick-up?! I want to move on from this so I can think about her stiff, off-time drumming!!!

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

Joe Buck: You know who’s really working? The organist. Larry King: Fuck you Joe Buck.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

My wife: I'm glad he'll live the rest of his life knowing that his presidency will be thought of as a joke from the very beginning.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

5 years

He’s also racist.

Anthony Scaramucci

@Scaramucci

5 years

Trump isn’t racist. He’s worse. He’s so narcissistic he doesn’t see people as people. It’s why he doesn’t have any real friends. It’s why he gives a thumbs up next to an orphaned baby after a mass shooting. Everybody is an obstacle or a stepping stone.

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@robcorddry

7 years

If you need something to do with your hands, help flip the House blue in 2018. Find your closest swing district:

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@robcorddry

8 years

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@robcorddry

4 years

I’m not saying that edibles have helped me during this pandemic. I'm only saying that I can't remember what I was going to say about that

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

4 years

Re-re-tweeted because it bears repeating. Fuck you @united

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

4 years

SHOULD I have eaten an edible an hour before a Zoom with my Dad and his wife and my brother and sisters? Think about it this way... should I have NOT have, or the other way around or not?

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

10 years

My hero is Matthew McConaughey when he’s old enough to regret that speech

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Social media & consumer power: @Uber CEO drops out of Trump Business Advisory Council. @Nordstrom drops @IvankaTrump brands. #grabyourwallet

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Fuck my distaste for celebrity activism. Fuck the word "celebrity". I'm just a guy who stands with anyone who finds themselves threatened.

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@robcorddry

8 years

I just stopped my ice cream man as he was passing by and I'll be goddamned if it wasn't David Lee Roth.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

*watching the game* My wife: This one goes to 11. Me: Ok, I’ll tweet that. My wife: They usually go to 9. But this one...? Me: No, I got it.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

-Yeah, you have superbugs. -Can you get rid of them? -No, I'm just an AP article, my job is to stir shit up.

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@robcorddry

4 years

Me: You know who has it bad right now? Cocaine dealers My wife: They’re doing fine. All the people stuck at home, doing cocaine, cleaning everything? Me: ALRIGHT! I’ll get some cocaine! Get off my back!

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

5 years

I hate the rigmarole of showering, with all the soaping, rinsing, etc. When I see a movie where a prisoner gets stripped and hosed, then hit with a handful of powder I’m like, “Wow, that guy didn’t have to do anything.”

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

Spike Lee really hates jokes.

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@robcorddry

8 years

If it helps at all, my 7yr old daughter wants to be called Cobra from now on

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Granted I don't know a lot about it but it seems to me that Bigfoot should be called Bigwholebody

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

7yo: Daddy, will you be on the Oscars someday? Me: Once, definitely. (pause) In Memorium. (pause) The death reel. (pause) You don't get me.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

9 years

IT IS ALMOST TIME! Season 7 of Childrens Hospital premieres TONIGHT at 11pm EST on ADULT SWIM. Can you dig it?

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@robcorddry

5 years

My wife: (looking good) Are they closing any streets downtown tomorrow? Me: I don’t know. Call 311 My wife: That’s just Information, it can’t help me Me: That’s getting tweeted verbatim. No punch-up. My wife: As long as I look good.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

7 years

Trump is a child

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Found a bottle of ambien and an empty bag of bbq chips in my bedside table, so I guess my superhero origins story is ramping up

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@robcorddry

3 years

My wife: You know what I want to do? Me: What? My wife: I want to drill a hole in the bottom of a clam chowder bread bowl and drink it from the bottom Me: You wanna shotgun a chowder bread bowl? My wife: Yes Me: Your frat is lame

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

5 years

I mean, come on! This sews it up for me. Time to Impeach!!!

NowThis Impact

@nowthisimpact

5 years

Exclusive: Robert De Niro, 1,000+ former federal prosecutors, and 448 pages all point to the conclusion that Donald Trump committed felony obstruction of justice.

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@robcorddry

8 years

*Explaining conspiracy theory to my Jewish 10yo* 10yo: Can I be in the Illuminati? Me: No, Jews run the media 10yo: And Delis!

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Proud of my girls! #WomensMarch

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

#PresidentBannon is authoring the executive orders? I guess @realDonaldTrump has less power than we thought. Very tremendous.

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@robcorddry

5 years

There’re age requirements for most elected offices. Is it ageist to think that 75 is too old to hold public office? I just want to know if I’m an unapologetic ageist. #alabamaabortionlaw

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

1. Desi kids get called Apu by bullies too young to really get The Simpsons 2. Guy makes doc about it 3. The Simpsons blow it because their heads are too far up their own asses to really get The Simpsons 4. The machines take over and we are set free.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Here's something... The United States of America isn't a business. There's a reason it moves slowly.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

Crime doesn’t pay. Unless it’s an armored car heist. That’s big money.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

BEST SUPERBOWL EVER PLAYED

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

A federal judge in Michigan has halted Donald Trump’s executive order to ban all travellers from seven Muslim-majority countries. Tremendous

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

My flight leaves from gate 69. Everyone there better like high fives

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

I deleted Facebook a while ago, when it was still playing small clubs

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Dear international followers, you can tell which American tourists voted for Trump, right? Are we cool?

Justin Trudeau

@JustinTrudeau

8 years

To those fleeing persecution, terror & war, Canadians will welcome you, regardless of your faith. Diversity is our strength #WelcomeToCanada

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Wife: I had a Tumeric shot today Me: Stanley Tumeric? Wife: Don't talk to me like I'm Twitter

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Protest at LAX right now. #StopPresidentBannon

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

OK, STOP YELLING! YOU'RE GETTING SPIT ALL OVER MY FACE!

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

8 years

SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!

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@robcorddry

8 years

Hopefully nothing! The point is to protect all the rights they've already fought for #WomensMarch

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

Get a load of this jackass right here.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

If @realDonaldTrump approved action in Yemen wo sufficient intel or prep as military sources say then he's a murderer.

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

6 years

Watching John Wick 2 for the second time in two days. That’s called a Wick-end. AKA: Double the Wick, Wick Squared, Hello (again) Mr. Wick, Two for Keanusdays, Get the Led out, and Every time I try to get out they keep pulling back in... to watch John Wick 2

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@robcorddry

7 years

My 8yo daughter just paused her guitar practice for a costume change

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Pence?

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

I went ahead and walked through that spider web, so that's one less everyone else has to worry about

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

5 years

Why is Trump melting down about impeachment today? Because yesterday 7 more Democrats said they want an impeachment inquiry. We’re now up to 25 Dems and even one Republican who want to see impeachment get started:

WHIP LIST: The 228 House Democrats backing an impeachment inquiry

More than 90 percent of the House Democratic caucus has said they support an impeachment inquiry for President Trump.While Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) for months resisted calling …

thehill.com

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

8 years

Dear Everyone, 300+ acts of violence since election. We can all fight just as hard w/o it. Prove it to the other side. Your friend, Rob

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rob corddry

@robcorddry

10 years

I just realized I’ve been blasting @anthonyjeselnik ’s standup on my porch for an hour. I hope my neighbors like rape jokes #sonos

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