Stop weighing Weinstein against Louis. Quit the narrative about who’ll be back. No “innocent until proven guilty” until someone is charged. All this preserves the toxic environment that allowed bad behavior. Instead preserve the safe space for victims to keep coming forward.
And enough with letting Louis off the hook because he confessed. His standup is about humiliation. Getting off on masturbating in front of women is about humiliation. His confession was willfully humiliating. It’s all one. His confession is part of his compulsion
My wife: Bill Cosby got 3-10 years.
12yo daughter: Who's Bill Cosby?
My wife: He's a sexually violent predator... and America's dad.
12yo: He's probably a lot of peoples' dad.
*pause*
Me: You can quit school and do comedy if you want.
My wife: Pass me the saddest part of the paper please
Me: The first section?
My wife: No, Weekend Arts you fucking idiot
Me: It’s Wednesday there is no-
My wife: -Give me the whole fucking paper right now
Me: Ok, but when I tweet this you’re gonna come off like the bad guy
My sister Laura was supposed to give a TedX Talk last week. She didn’t make it. But it’s important that you have the chance to read it. To see life, as she said, “through the lens that was thrust upon her.” So here it is. I miss you Laura.
Me: That star is Venus
Daughter: Venus rhymes with penis
Me: Yup
Daughter: Speaking of penis...
(I live infinite lifetimes of possibility in 1 second)
Daughter: Penis rhymes with genius
Me: No, but you’re my favorite daughter
The Greatest Showman would have done better if PT Barnum had Wolverine claws. And if they called him Wolverine. And he fought crime and the movie was called Wolverine.
Dear
@TheRock
,
My dear friend
@hwinkler4real
has asked me for only one thing during the course of our long friendship and I have failed the man. Will you please give him an autographed photo, so Henry and I can repair our friendship?
Your best friend,
Rob
He incited a riot in which four people died and his punishment is getting temporarily locked out of Twitter. I wish the US gov had been my parents growing up.
My wife: Who’s Chris Hayes?
Me: Chris Hayes is the guy who comes before Rachel Maddow.
My wife: Of course he comes before her.
(pause)
Me: Oh. Because he’s a man.
My wife: *hysterical laughter*
Me: You’re on a roll, huh?
My friend has a friend who wipes down bananas with bleach and my friend wants to know if that’s crazy. And yes, I am the friend in this story. I’m also the other friend.
Me: Hey, did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon?
My 12yo: Just tell me the punchline
Me: It’s good but it doesn’t have any atmosphere.
12yo: Hm. Ok.
*pause*
How many stars does it get?
*pause*
Me: You win again
*After a long sermon on Easter to my Jewish family*
14yo: Can you name all 12 disciples?
Me: Um... sure?
My Wife: What can you name more of... disciples or members of the Wu-Tang Clan?
*long pause*
Me: Wu-Tang
Wife: Right. Now taste this matzoh ball. Is it too dense?
My day is ruined. Can't stop thinking about Shakira playing air-guitar with an actual guitar. And with a capo on the second fret but no cord or remote pick-up?! I want to move on from this so I can think about her stiff, off-time drumming!!!
Trump isn’t racist. He’s worse. He’s so narcissistic he doesn’t see people as people. It’s why he doesn’t have any real friends. It’s why he gives a thumbs up next to an orphaned baby after a mass shooting. Everybody is an obstacle or a stepping stone.
SHOULD I have eaten an edible an hour before a Zoom with my Dad and his wife and my brother and sisters? Think about it this way... should I have NOT have, or the other way around or not?
Me: You know who has it bad right now? Cocaine dealers
My wife: They’re doing fine. All the people stuck at home, doing cocaine, cleaning everything?
Me: ALRIGHT! I’ll get some cocaine! Get off my back!
I hate the rigmarole of showering, with all the soaping, rinsing, etc. When I see a movie where a prisoner gets stripped and hosed, then hit with a handful of powder I’m like, “Wow, that guy didn’t have to do anything.”
My wife: (looking good) Are they closing any streets downtown tomorrow?
Me: I don’t know. Call 311
My wife: That’s just Information, it can’t help me
Me: That’s getting tweeted verbatim. No punch-up.
My wife: As long as I look good.
My wife: You know what I want to do?
Me: What?
My wife: I want to drill a hole in the bottom of a clam chowder bread bowl and drink it from the bottom
Me: You wanna shotgun a chowder bread bowl?
My wife: Yes
Me: Your frat is lame
Exclusive: Robert De Niro, 1,000+ former federal prosecutors, and 448 pages all point to the conclusion that Donald Trump committed felony obstruction of justice.
There’re age requirements for most elected offices. Is it ageist to think that 75 is too old to hold public office? I just want to know if I’m an unapologetic ageist.
#alabamaabortionlaw
1. Desi kids get called Apu by bullies too young to really get The Simpsons
2. Guy makes doc about it
3. The Simpsons blow it because their heads are too far up their own asses to really get The Simpsons
4. The machines take over and we are set free.
Watching John Wick 2 for the second time in two days. That’s called a Wick-end. AKA: Double the Wick, Wick Squared, Hello (again) Mr. Wick, Two for Keanusdays, Get the Led out, and Every time I try to get out they keep pulling back in... to watch John Wick 2
Why is Trump melting down about impeachment today? Because yesterday 7 more Democrats said they want an impeachment inquiry. We’re now up to 25 Dems and even one Republican who want to see impeachment get started: