jake @piss_river_fc Twitter profile

Pinned Tweet

jake

@piss_river_fc

8 years

9

127

519

Last Seen Profiles

@zkry114198

@stwmaniax

@RaesAura

@AugieILfootball

@JeseniaWhyte

@ChancWesly40107

@EishaRigo57845

@TonyKin29405011

@BMR_UDAY

@iLiFE_STAFF

@stwmaniax

@bokeplokalmalam

@Ladyratu423298

@himerosXXIV

@ilerbusomarkk

@SamHowellFan

@chhihamden

@OkendeC

@tantenakal__

@MLosAngeles2028

@evligiz60125833

@GebreFessehazi1

@pc_queeen

@hodeidahgayboth

@Hijabbacol2883

@zc110055

@boyzforum

@morashawiggins

@fder_oficial

@myjpre2

@evligiz60125833

@WiwinToge

@Allen9821648469

@BryntesonR95329

@sacha_rfd

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

i will fucking kill you if you give me a mobile number in any other format than the correct 4:3:3

81

64

1K

jake

@piss_river_fc

8 years

you can name any rural town in australia and say "they've got a bloody good pasty there" and no one will ever challenge you

16

155

535

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

my neighbour approached me to tell me to stop mowing my lawn as it was unsafe because of the lightning storm. why do you think your lawn looks like shit mate? i'm on the front line mother fucker

4

54

431

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

pulls out of KFC drive through, instantly downs some power lines and still finds the time eat what looks to be a fair bit of a feed. king shit

9

30

443

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

1

16

388

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

hypothetically u attend your cousin's wedding, do a handstand & kick the bride in the face knocking her out instantly. she goes to hospital in an ambulance & spends the night, essentially ruining the day. do u try to bargain about how much of the $1352 ambo bill u should pay

yes

2064

no

2255

62

52

366

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

dan andrews has fallen down the stairs at the met gala

5

30

352

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

0

29

344

jake

@piss_river_fc

10 months

client complaint: air con makes a rattling sound while running service report: removed items stacked against unit and the large amount of shells stacked on top. all okay

8

10

271

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

my wife just referred to a certain pedophile priest as "cardi p"

3

20

233

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

thinking about how hard the "soldier on" codral ads used to go. go to work if you're sick. go to a kids birthday party if you're sick. do it all, make sure everyone around you also gets sick

3

11

242

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

calling out those fucking bullshit acrylic tea towels that just push water around instead of absorbing it. absolute fucking arsehole behaviour

4

7

242

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

then remembered i have a camera on the porch which captured that exact moment

25

21

210

jake

@piss_river_fc

9 years

can't wait to get up at 6 am and develop some massive, healthy norks

5

30

179

jake

@piss_river_fc

9 years

@thomas_violence

5

27

172

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

don't mind that, it's just the come down room

3

6

175

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

just saw a lady steal a backpack from Kmart by throwing the decoy and offering the bag up for inspection to staff to demonstrate that she hadn't stolen anything *within* the bag

3

174

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

you've only got to watch 4 or 5 cowboy films to work out why they called it the wild west

1

22

163

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

this shirt fucks

4

24

159

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

thankyou slay mmm gun so clean yes yes yes yes yes yes

Anthea

@Anthea06274890

3 years

Changing Of The Guard At The Tomb Of The Unknown Soldier. Duty, Respect And Sacrifice.

5

12

53

5

10

152

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

0

13

143

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

at the supermarket checkout yesterday and the young girl goes "oh i love these, these are so good" as she scanned through the hot chook i was buying

1

5

147

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

what next

6

20

146

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

i s2g

2

6

128

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

omfg one of the contractors at work clicked 'reply all' on an email about safety instead of 'forward'

6

14

117

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

wow! no one ever told me about this cool kitchen hack before! 🤯🤯

3

14

128

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

completely Normal

29

10

117

jake

@piss_river_fc

11 months

my coworker is telling me she needs a new iPhone because her current one won't update because there's not enough storage and then she shows me the breakdown and she's got an app called "jackpot world - slots casino" that's taking up 13gb

1

2

128

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

3

14

122

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

me in 2011: see rise against in adl friday night, fly from adl to syd to see bodyjar on sat then modest mouse on monday, fly syd to qld on wednesday for splendour me 2018: i really like that band but it's like $50 and on a school night

4

9

121

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

red hot chili peppers - other side

2

28

113

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

the most depraved part about the toilet paper thing is it shows that the majority of people aren't saving their shits up to do while they're at work. you go to work and shit because you get paid for it. it's easy money

3

7

112

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

just had to add my age to my profile to see this

1

5

109

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

every day the news is like "the people who lick the covid swabs to test for the virus will now need to be vaccinated"

0

14

112

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

ahahahahaha my gf tagged the hotel i'm staying at in an unrelated post (which they liked) and then i think they stalked her insta, found out it's my birthday, brought me a cake and sang

11

0

103

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

i'm at a restaurant and just overheard "...yeah we had a hashtag when she was born"

1

4

109

jake

@piss_river_fc

10 months

she got her cert IV at tafe

@22metgala

10 months

Gillian Anderson attends the 81st Annual Golden Globe Awards.

356

4K

39K

1

4

110

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

please reassure me about my decision last night

10

4

104

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

excuse me

4

11

110

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

unlocked this office hack today after thinking about doing it for a very long time

8

3

104

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

4

2

99

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

looks great

4

7

90

jake

@piss_river_fc

10 months

goblin in limbo

@goblinodds

11 months

god why are men so hard to get gifts for wtf do u people want

3K

401

8K

0

7

97

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

3

1

99

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

🚨🚨🚨 new baby just dropped 👇👇 Georgie Mae :) :) :) 🥹🥹🥹

25

0

94

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

let's appreciate how much this chili is popping off

1

0

88

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

this could be us if we both had zipoffs

0

8

84

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

fuck this is sick

1

7

84

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

some cunt from work seriously just called me to talk about an email and i had to be like mate you realise it's christmas day and he's like "oh"

2

0

82

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

i hate this shit. fuck these guys off. bring back the suits

3

0

83

jake

@piss_river_fc

9 years

why do the ants have to come inside they've got the whole outside

1

30

79

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

why don't you just learn how to eat a burger you dopey cunt

3

5

74

jake

@piss_river_fc

8 months

i saw @SenatorWong at the shops a few weeks ago but didn't approach her because she was with her daughter who looked to be roughly the same age as the palestinian girl i've just seen hanging dead from a wall with her legs blown off

1

20

81

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

why doesn't the dishwasher door close properly any more?

3

1

76

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

imagine letting boris johnson nut in you raw

2

8

76

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

a tale in two parts

10

1

73

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

i feel like our parents have had the same bed sheet sets for like 40 years but every sheet i buy ends up disintegrating within 6 - 12 months??? what the fuck is going on there

12

1

74

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

i bought a broken $700 dollar coffee machine off gumtree for $40 from some stupid yuppie burnside guy who couldn't work out how to fix it himself and it's going to cost me $1.60 to fix :)

4

0

71

jake

@piss_river_fc

8 years

without a doubt the best page

1

10

68

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

2

1

72

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

2

0

70

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

thinking about that report i heard on the radio where australians throw away an average of X amount of kg of clothes a year which was insane to me because i barely throw away jocks with holes in them

2

4

67

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

covid has taken a lot from our lives but one that doesn't get mentioned often is the death of the salad bar

5

3

68

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

re cafe discourse: i don't think americans know how bad they have it

3

2

70

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

i bought a pair of these as a joke after seeing them advertised in my feed, they took like 4 months to arrive and i forgot i ordered them but they're so fucking comfy????

6

0

67

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

i got engaged

20

0

61

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

overheard my wife from another room say "take a load off bro" while trying to get the baby to sleep

1

4

62

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

i need a new name

2

3

63

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

triple m cairns has a thing called "two shot tuesday" where they play two songs by the same artist back to back and today it was nickelback

8

1

63

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

3

10

60

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

scott morrison announcing that all refugees locked up in offshore detention will receive a 14 day free kayo sports trial so they can cheer on the aussies v pakistan instead of receiving asylum and citizenship

2

3

60

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

this website

3

2

60

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

a group of teens walked past my house while i was cleaning out my car and one of the boys goes "love the crocs man" to which i said "cheers brother" but i'm not sure if he was taking the piss out of me or not

1

0

62

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

4

5

60

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

lucky that my breasts are small and humble.. so you don't confuse them with mountains..

4

2

59

jake

@piss_river_fc

9 years

what a great shirt that doesn't make sense

3

13

58

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

got absolutely bodied at the pub with Will. the girl at the bar goes "do you want some colouring in" and i said "yes please" then she goes "do you want one for him as well?" and pointed at Will

3

0

61

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

guy at work told me he "needs to be kidnapped" so he doesn't have to worry about going to work & he can just sit there

3

2

57

jake

@piss_river_fc

11 months

you've got 6 seconds before i start mowing my lawn, what's your opener

9

0

61

jake

@piss_river_fc

8 years

doesn't look like nan wants to sell

4

9

58

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

here's will and i on time for dinner last night while we waited 20+mins for the other guests

4

0

59

jake

@piss_river_fc

1 year

my son's latest bit is telling me that he "needs" to drive my car

4

0

58

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

met a bloke at the footy who was telling me he can't fit into his old port lace ups anymore. i asked if he wanted to sell them and i said yeah so i was like yeah sick give your number and i'll text you and he was like i don't have a mobile so i'll give you my home number

3

0

58

jake

@piss_river_fc

5 years

@AynRandy

Many Eyes

@manyeyes_music

11 years

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes "sexual" the rest of the boys all agree that he is

38

4K

8K

1

0

56

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

love visiting the local op shop and pinpointing the moment someone gave it all away

3

54

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

those cunts down at the smiley fritz factory need to sort their shit out. sons crying thanks

2

0

57

jake

@piss_river_fc

4 years

this mfer sleeping with one eye open making sure that i do not step away from the bassinet

2

0

55

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

@Polly_Tics @rat_enjoyer @Pollytics thank you, you're the only one taking this seriously. i come to twitter expecting condolences for my ripped jocks but all i get is haha lmfao etc

2

0

55

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

0

9

57

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

why does every coastal town/suburb in australia have a shop like this

8

7

50

jake

@piss_river_fc

10 months

nearly 8pm my son won't go to sleep and i have a 7 box trampoline to build

6

0

57

jake

@piss_river_fc

2 years

large amount of loosely covered crab in the communal work fridge... what do we think gang

13

0

55

jake

@piss_river_fc

6 years

forbidden fettuccine

1

5

55

jake

@piss_river_fc

3 years

gladys b - who took a brief moment away from getting her cheeks clapped to speak with us - says her government is acting swiftly against the latest covid outbreak

3

55

jake

@piss_river_fc

7 years

might want to check those spirit levels boys