I know I’m hot, but I also know I’m not a full-time hot person. I’m hot when I wanna be. I choose my own hours. I make my own schedule. I do freelance hotness.
New Year’s hottest club is...Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
I’d also like to note that I turn 40 in 6 weeks, so if you feel like it’s “never going to happen” for you, I need you to hang on to a tiny sliver of hope while you keep living your very best life ❤️
My next birthday’s theme will be The SNC (Sara National Convention) where all my friends get on stage & articulate why they love me and why I would make a terrible president
So many men are angry about the increase of women choosing singlehood over mediocre partnership, and by vilifying us for this & having these public tantrums, they have failed to realize they are literally just proving our point
Guy approaches me at my gate to ask if I’m Sara Runnels. I shoot him a “who wants to know?” face; he says he follows me on IG & loves my posts. We board & DM a bit while we’re delayed. He’s in 1st class & just sent champagne to my seat. Truly living in a Hallmark movie these days
OBSESSED with my local “are we dating the same guy?” FB group because girlies will be like “any tea on this man???” And 75 babes will be like “he broke my heart!!” And this is him
It’s Firework Girl Summer — make dramatic entrances, get a little lit, have a blast, scare a few people, end the night with a bang, look shitty in pics even though you are beautiful!!!!
Dating apps “wrapped” would be like
- you swiped left 100,000x
- you swiped right 25x
- you shut the app in disgust a lot
- you took 800 screenshots of comically bad profiles
- you saw 50,000 unsolicited fish pics
- you successfully eliminated every single man in a 90-mile radius
Happy Independence Day to
- all the women who are independent
- all the honeys making money
- all the mamas who profit dollars
- all the ladies who truly feel me
Ladies, if he’s
- hot
- always playing games
- wanting to “take things slowly”
- showing thousands of red flags
- waiting 3 days (& counting) to get back to you
- keeping your attention until something more exciting comes along
That 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 be your man, but also that’s NEVADA
The craziest thing about The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is that they’re making a lot of these wild decisions SOBER, I’d need at least five martinis to even start where they’re at
Things I am more likely to be than a Victoria’s Secret Angel:
T.J. Maxx Cherub
Target Fairy
H&M Spiritual Being
Amazon Prime Divine Messenger
Old Navy Wood Nymph
Forever 21 Tipsy Pixie
Rite Aid Saint
Ross Goblin
So they deleted their identical post & haven’t replied beyond the HEY GAL garbage explaining their plagiarism “strategy.” But someone just sent me this!! I didn’t even think to dig through their archive to find more “spot the difference” games. Anyway, don’t support this page. ✨
Had the best date recently!
-met on an app
-upfront about our intentions
-let me pick the place
-looked like his pic
-funny texts (“I’ve arrived”)
-didn't care I was dressed like a "before" photo
-greeted me with “it's yummy time”
-handed me tacos
-left
-was Dave from UberEats
Dating apps wrapped would be like
- you swiped left 100,000x
- you swiped right 25x
- you shut the app in disgust a lot
- you took 800 screenshots of hilariously bad profiles
- you saw 50,000 unsolicited fish pics
- you successfully eliminated every single man in a 3-mile radius
After years of being single, swiping through thousands of dating profiles, going on hundreds of dates, wondering when I'd find the person I couldn't live without, I’d like to officially announce: I am getting married in 18 days
After years of being single, swiping through thousands of dating profiles, going on hundreds of dates, wondering when I'd find the person I couldn't live without, I’d like to officially announce: I am still doing all of this
Ladies, no shade, but if he’s
- bright
- well-rounded
- super fucking hot
- punctual
- universally worshipped
- known for going down
- generous with the D
- intimidating to look at
- distant
- a ball of glowing gases
- 5 billion years old
That’s not your man, that is THE SUN
Love when people hurl “And that’s why you’re still single!” at me as an insult, like lol no babe, I’m still single because I don’t have the time or tolerance to endure straight men doing the bare minimum, thank you so much
Just a quick announcement: you’ll notice a slight shift in content as I do a minor rebrand from ‘single AF’ to ‘in love AF’ and yes it sickens me as much as it does you
I am leaving my amazing full-time job to write what I want to write, and just as I was having an ounce of doubt during my last week of work, I got my 15th New Yorker acceptance! Way to show me, me!
Ladies, if he’s
-cute af
-a good listener
-down to get dirty
-a bit thirsty
-a grower AND a show-er
-pot-obsessed
-got “love ‘em & leave ‘em” vibes
-honestly capable of dying any day
That’s not your man, that’s the little houseplant you’ve fallen in love with during quarantine
I stopped telling friends about all my first dates because weeks later they’ll be like, “how is Joe?” or “what’s up with Nick?” or “when do we see Kevin again?” and I’m like, I have no fucking clue who any of those men are except maybe the Jonas brothers
I relate to fireworks because I’ve also been known to
- make a dramatic entrance
- get lit quickly
- have a blast
- command attention
- scare a few people
- end the night with a bang
I love being the care-free, fun single aunt, but I also wonder if motherhood is still in my future, even in my late 30s.
I explored this uncertainty in an essay I hope you’ll read. 🖤
On International Women’s Day, a big shoutout to
- girls who run the world
- girls who power walk the world
- girls who casually stroll the world
- girls who Uber the world
Ladies, if he’s
- well-rounded
- super fucking hot
- punctual
- universally worshipped
- incapable of throwing shade
- known for going down
- intimidating to look at
- distant
- a ball of glowing gases
- 5 billion years old
He’s not your man, he is
THE SUN
Sorry I came to your party after limited socialization and sat in the corner, drank all your wine, napped on the couch, tweeted 17 times about the vibe, wondered aloud how my plants at home were doing, asked your dog on a date & left 29 minutes later
Taylor Swift remembers every feeling she’s ever had, every middle-of-the-night thought and every word a man has uttered to her and I can't even remember if I took one or two melatonin
New Year’s hottest club is...Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!
Hi! Still wanna meet in the park today? I know we made loose plans so no pressure or anything! I’m still down if you are. If not, no worries, I could go either way. It’s so nice out! But also a 3% chance of rain, so 🤔. Would love to see you tho! But fine not seeing you too. LMK!
I’ve been seeing posts that encourage men to go to places like Target and HomeGoods if they want to meet women, and I would just like to say if you approach me while I’m peacefully smelling candles or looking at a discounted pillow, I will scream
If we’re hiking in the fall, I‘ll dress in colors & styles ideal for a nature photoshoot. If we’re hiking in the winter, I’ll be wearing a weighted blanket on the couch & you can text me how your hike went.
My latest (v on-brand) piece for the
@NewYorker
!
More women than ever are single because they’ve watched enough true-crime shows to know it’s safer to just stay home and send memes about being single to your friends
Types of thirst traps:
Mostly cleavage? Booby trap
A little cheesy? Mouse trap
Posing in a sweater? Lint trap
Sporty vibe? Jocks trap
Overhyped? Tourist trap
Catches you off guard? Venus flytrap
Body to die for? Death trap
I put a link you can’t click in my Tinder bio to see if men will 1. Make the effort to find & read it, 2. Realize I’m the author. Most of the time, they do neither. This is one man’s story