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@mcsweeneys

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The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag .

San Francisco, CA
Joined April 2009
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 days
Enter Umbra. A wordless masterpiece by Jordan Speer ( @Beefstrong )
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
Dave Eggers: “This is, let’s pray, the final list of Trump’s crimes. 949 assaults on the Constitution, the rule of law, democratic norms, and human decency. For the undecided voter in your life."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"We asked Trump what we could do about breast cancer. He paused, gazed at the ceiling for a second, and said, 'What about Old Spice?' Sure, it seemed like a bonkers suggestion, but with his history of being a scientific savant, we couldn’t dismiss it."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
Are you a gymnast? No, I'm a conservative pundit who has never so much as done a cartwheel in his life, let alone landed a Yurchenko double pike.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"Like the flu, xenomorphs affect the GI tract and appear to be highly contagious. Only six of our employees, however, have suffered complications related to xenomorphs. The flu kills far more people every year."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"Oh, you’re afraid of fucking side effects? Fuck you. You know what has fucking side effects? Fucking aspirin, fucking Tylenol. You could be fucking allergic to pineapple, you fucking fuckwit. Everything has side effects. You’re being a big fucking baby."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"The best way to solve a problem happening right now is us waiting for you to vote later. Because if we did something now, some people might not vote for us. And if they don’t vote for us later, then we can’t do something later! You see the problem."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"Protestors are surrounding my house and keeping me up at night, which is when I like to spend some quiet time alone, away from my conscience. So I am writing this to ask a favor: please respect my right to privacy while I completely destroy yours."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"The vaccine will not make you magnetic. Are you fucking kidding me? It just fucking won’t. That’s not even a fucking thing, and that lady who tried to pretend the vaccine made her magnetic looked like a real fucking fuckwad, so get fucking vaccinated."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"How did they come up with seat belts so quickly? We’ve only had over a hundred years of car safety innovation and research that have built to this moment in time when we have seat belts. Don’t you think that’s a little bit rushed?"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
If Women Wrote Men the Way Men Write Women:
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"I’d love to see a female President. Just not Hillary Clinton. Or Elizabeth Warren. I am totally open to all other women leaders, but I have to admit that Kamala Harris and Amy Klobuchar are beginning to make me angry."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
7 years
Letters From Dads Who Call It Babysitting When They’re Watching Their Own Kids Letters From People Who Take Up Two Parking Spaces at Trader Joes Letters From People Who Call When You Text Them
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"We are completely committed to providing an accessible experience to protest the lack of accessibility. That is why we have employed one person to look at you with a worried grimace while you figure out how to reach our room."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"Starting April 15, the White Hand of Saruman will only be given out to Uruk-hai who have a paid subscription to SaruBlue. You do not know pain, you do not know fear, and you will taste man-flesh, all for just $8 a month."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"The noble warrior Beowulf says we must now slay Grendel, which would stop the attacks, vindicate the dead, and restore the Great Hall’s honor. But have you considered, as an alternative, letting it slide? And have you seen how sharp Grendel’s claws are?"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
MYTH: “The President stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot [somebody].” FACT: It was East 57th Street, the President was on the sidewalk, and there were multiple targets.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
ELON MUSK: Hold my beer, dweebs. I spent $44 billion on Twitter and explicitly told everyone to vote Republican. Now I’m losing $4 million a day and can’t seem to win advertisers’ trust no matter how many Nazis I amplify. What am I going to do now?
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"If the Free People are going to defeat Sauron, you need to let go of your elitist attitudes and choose someone who can appeal to the moderate orc vote. That’s why I support Saruman the White to lead the Council of the Wise."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"All art is born of its time... People who come to the art later can handle the context, the different words, the different attitudes. People can handle it because we are complex creatures capable of complex thoughts. Censors think everyone is stupid."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
Hey look, @POTUS wrote a McSweeney’s piece today:
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
7 years
"Too many plot lines, haphazard arrivals/exits of characters, not enough focus on logic and character motivation."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"I found the request to be inappropriate on multiple levels. Even me, a sea monster, anti-hero of sorts, can appreciate the value of preserving the integrity of democratic elections."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
WE'RE DEVOTING OUR SITE TODAY TO A BRAND NEW COLUMN: "DEAR PRESIDENT BANNON"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
“We tell ourselves stories in order to live.” RIP, Joan Didion.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
7 years
After an 18-year hiatus, @jaketapper returns to our internet pages with a funny piece of satire...
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"Not only do our current serfs refuse to labor, but the serfs we ejected from our fiefdoms when we feared the plague would harm our profits now don’t want to come back and replace the workers we kept who then subsequently died of the plague."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"We are part of a different kind of Resistance, one that still supports the foundations scrawled within the Tome of Infernal Torment, and not the whims of a Mad Anti-God who cares not for the literalist interpretations we hold so blasphemous."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
High-profile conspiracy-mongering and acts of violence against Jews have made it tricky to hate any Jew at all. Thankfully, here's @joshgondelman with some helpful tips on how to hate a Jew like a Jew.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"We believe that the truth lies in the middle. The exact mathematical middle. This holds true no matter how far right 'the right' actually is. You know all those things that John McCain said in 2008? Sorry, liberals: that’s left-wing now."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"We’re fathers of daughters, husbands of wives, and paramours of mistresses, but the truth is we just do not give a single solitary fuck about any of you, and we never have."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
A: I’m easy. I don’t care where we go. B: Same. Any restaurant you have in mind? A: No, I’ll go to literally any restaurant in this town. Any neighborhood that’s more convenient for you? B: No, every location in existence is convenient for me.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"Trump’s presidency assumes we’ll fend for ourselves when we’re flooded, burned, earthquaked or tornadoed by life. Help isn’t coming after the crash. We’re on our own." - @pattonoswalt #OneSmallBlowAgainstTotalitarianism
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"I am radically testing the limits of what it fundamentally means to be outdoors by erecting walls, putting a roof on top of those walls, and then insisting that it is still outdoors."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"When they arrive on campus, all students will receive a welcome package containing a face mask branded with our university logo, a rabbit's foot, a horseshoe, an evil-eye charm, a Maneki-neko, a crucifix, and a bulb of garlic."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"I regret to inform you that New York no longer exists. Unfortunately, as soon as it was out of my sight on our family trip earlier this year, it disappeared forever. As someone who loves both tall things and shiny things, I am distraught."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"It’s important to recognize that women of color deserve to have their voices heard, and that those in power, such as myself, need to listen to them — so long as they don’t challenge the institutions that I am a part of and benefit from."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
Here it is, our most-read article of 2021. #McSweeneysTop21of21
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"Here at Jurassic Park, we've never been ones to listen to the recommendations of scientists, or safety experts, or bioethicists, so why would we start now?"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
7 years
"We will go line-by-line through the budget until we slash all the programs that don’t benefit the American public. And then we will go page-by-page through the Crate & Barrel catalog until we find a coffee table that’s the same price as a speedboat."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"Soon all the benefits you’ve come to rely on will go away, we will cut the social safety net we hastily assembled, and life will return to normal. As terrifying as things are now, we will persevere and return to the normal terror we’re used to."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"It seems the Captain and I misunderstood each other. I assumed he was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication, who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
FRAN LEBOWITZ: I’m sorry, excuse me: Big? Is this a man you’re talking about? Is that supposed to be a name? CHARLOTTE: Yes, Big is Carrie’s husband. FRAN LEBOWITZ: No, that’s not a name, that’s an adjective.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"Your prayers are not helping the victims or their families... You pray in order not to feel culpable in horrendous acts of violence. You pray in order to feel good. And for this, I say: fuck you."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
1 year
"Listen here, pal: this is a Megan Follows bar. You don’t come to the goddamn Avonlea Alehouse and start shit-talking Megan Fucking Follows unless you want someone to take you the fuck out."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
9 years
“Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.” RIP, Prince.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"Gandalf has gotten a lot of attention by making the One Ring the center of his campaign. We all can agree that the Ring is important, but shouldn't we also address the kitchen-table issues that moderate orcs — swing orcs — care about?"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"Woke is a code word, a whistle of sorts, that alerts people who think like me that we’re on the same side without ever having to use a racial slur in public. Also, whenever I use the word woke, people click on my links, order my books and buy my merch."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"Whether it is a glance, a throwaway line ('You always go home with the hot women'), or the scenes where Maverick has sex with a woman, there are subtle instances of straightness that are impossible to deny."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
Woke Classic Lit:
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
Is this a metaphor for something else? (Hint: IT IS A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING ELSE)
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"Hi there, thanks for reading this. I’m being censored. That’s why I’m writing a piece in a major publication that you are consuming easily and for free. Because I am being absolutely and completely muzzled."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
“The Domestic Crusaders is exactly the sort of theatre we need today. The gulf that separates cultures must be bridged and Art is one of our best hopes.” —Emma Thompson
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
Many of you have been following the recent strange saga of The Believer, but today we could not be more thrilled to share the full story and some very very exciting news:
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
1 year
"A corrupt, deranged narcissist who has given voice and energy to right-wing terrorism? Or a genial lifetime public servant with a steady hand on the tiller of government? You see, it's not an easy choice, because the public servant is a little bit older."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
8 years
I’m Wes Anderson, and I’m Directing This FBI Investigation Into Russia and the Trump Campaign:
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McSweeney's
3 years
"I had to make some tough lifestyle changes. For instance, I stopped buying coffee every day and started making it at home. This allowed me to pocket enough money to go ask my parents for a down payment."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
What the world needs is a 680-page, three pound heavy, humor anthology. Keep Scrolling Til You Feel Something: Twenty-One Years of Humor From McSweeney's Internet Tendency is now available for preorder.
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
1 year
"Taylor should be singing about more sophisticated subjects, like [states’ rights/ Rush Limbaugh/ lowering taxes for the wealthy/ deregulation/ how corporations are people/ anti-union sentiment/ the male loneliness epidemic/ Rush Limbaugh’s legacy]."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"New 'RHONY' cast member Ivanka Trump says that her first job is being the best single mom possible as her husband Jared is away on business in Bahrain, totally not dodging extradition on a variety of fraud and corrupt practices charges."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"Clearly, we let a lot of things slide: bigotry, corruption, peddling in falsehoods—the list goes on. But if you spread a rumor that we’re all getting busy in bone-town? That’ll be the last damn straw."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
OUT TODAY: The End of Trust (McSweeney's 54). Our first-ever nonfiction issue features more than thirty writers and artists investigating surveillance, privacy and technology in the digital age—with special advisors @EFF .
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"If we replace Sir Racist Von Genocide, where do we draw the line? Will we raze our hallowed halls? Will we change our street names? Will we forbid the a cappella group from singing 'Let’s All Point and Laugh at the Nearest Marginalized Ethnic Group'?"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"That’s not to say we don’t want diversity, we want a cross-section from America. From white male teenagers who play 'Call Of Duty' all the way to white male teenagers who play 'Madden NFL.'"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"You don’t own free speech. None of you do. I own free speech, and I get to decide what it is and when it is. Workers trying to unionize? Not free speech. A former president trying to overturn a legitimate election? Free speech."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a compass or food and whoever finds their way out wins."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"The fact of the matter is this: it’s so important that new housing is affordable, because there’s no way in hell I’m accepting anything less than a 20 percent return on my own home."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
6 years
"It’s obvious that the entire Mueller investigation is a total charade. This is the real story: Hillary Clinton may very well have personally deposited thousands of pythons throughout Florida with the express intent of murdering thousands of Americans."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"I need someone to watch my kids while I use a bathroom with a lock on it. I need to hear an adult voice besides Daniel Tiger’s weird father between 8:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. on weekdays. I need someone to acknowledge what I do all day is important."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
5 years
"Fold a paper man and paste an image of Brett Kavanaugh’s face on it. Stand the paper man upright in the middle of an opened copy of The Handmaid’s Tale. Slam the book shut. Repeat with Clarence Thomas."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
9 years
Twitter’s Brainstorming Notes for Potential New Features:
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
2 years
"Hello, I’m a Republican politician, and I want to make one thing very clear: I don’t want government involved in decisions about abortion. Instead, I want government involved in decisions about abortion."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
3 years
"You want a two-month-old to wind up on a fucking ventilator instead of you, a fucking adult, getting a fucking sore arm for a day? What are you, a pitcher for the Yankees? A fucking concert pianist? An arm model? Get the fuck out of here!"
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
10 years
“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.” — Robin Williams
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"The fact of the matter is, velociraptors are intelligent, shifty creatures that are not going to be contained any time soon, so we might as well just start getting used to them killing a few people every now and then."
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@mcsweeneys
McSweeney's
4 years
"Bid $50,000 over asking price and lose to 20-something couple whose parents pay in cash."
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