Rayne @nascentwisp Twitter profile

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

it's such.. a strange experience to take a pill and suddenly have ~0 problems in a life that previously felt doomed and unlivable

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

all this time people were telling me "you can just do things" but that information was useless until I realized something else first: you can just want things

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 months

somebody please make a videogame with these classes

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

I am *really* struggling to care about my job now I'm kinda not showing up, spiritually, now also physically they seem also not to care, either but it still feels bad and risky this is not the way I want to be living I'm voiding my agreement with them

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

gentle reminder that: -you have not been at exactly this place in your life before -nor has anyone else -nor will you, or anyone else, ever be here again -your information and pattern matching abilities are essentially limited -you are doing your best, given the constraints

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

human relationships are hard because you're actually bunch of people having a power struggle in a trenchcoat, and so are they

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

twitter taught me that it doesn't really matter who you are if you just keep showing up in a public space and act vaguely like yourself, the right people will find you and their presence will encourage you to act more like yourself

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

optimizing for anything other than authenticity in your own behaviour is optimizing for the wrong community to form around you

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

how would you act differently if you knew for a fact that you were hot?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

nothing has materially changed ofc, it has, chemically speaking but I'm a human, chemicals do not factor into the meaning-making processes that operate in my mind

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

okay twitter how do I microdose being homeless?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

I can't figure out how to balance: -relying on others -relying on myself in a way that doesn't continuously lead to: -seeking things from others that they cannot reliably give -attempting to solve problems alone that cannot be solved alone

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

how do you distinguish necessary suffering from the rest?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

11 months

today I am 28 years old first thing I did was have a shower second thing I did was hurt someone I care about by being selfish and stupid third thing I did was sit with it, accept responsibility internally, sincerely apologise fourth thing I did was make breakfast

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

okay twitter how do I "find god"? and what happens when I do? I'm serious

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

@xtinacomputes making 999k "yea I make... 6 figures" 😭

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

I went to the gym 3 times so far and I have noticed -significantly improved calmness and emotional regulation -bed feels really comfy, sleep comes easy and is more restful, food is much tastier -physical restlessness as a new symptom of anxiety, replacing worse symptoms

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

TIL the Rorschach test actually uses 10 *specific* inkblot cards.. 🤯 here's the second one:

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

the difference is, said narratives land and.. nothing happens, I don't care, I feel good, I think those narratives are stupid now, look at *that* plothole! how didn’t I notice that before??

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

does anyone know how to reliably turn off fight-or-flight?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

so like, why aren't men calling themselves wizards? is it worse or different than women calling themselves witches? I suppose the connotations are actually very different? in witch case, what's the actual male equivalent of a witch?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

okay so I know you've all been secretly wondering what happens when you like me and I like you so I made a little chart, hope this helps! ❤️

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

life got a lot easier when I figured this out ❤️

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

5 months

@thiagovscoelho unfortunately I have an eerily similar proof for the non-existence of God 🫥

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

then it becomes apparent that the real problem is/was.. me, I couldn't do the trivial thing to solve them, I put them on a platform and worshipped them instead, for *years*, and I *knew* I was doing it too! and I couldn't fucking stop myself!

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

nor generally *should* they, because I do not have control over the world of chemicals, in the same way that I have control over the world of limbs and words and smiles although, as I operate within society, apparently I *do* have some control over this world

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

8 months

I am doing badly, I don't want to keep existing but I have to

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

a world full of people who would love you, possibly for the rest of their lives, if you could just step out of your house for any reason other than to go on a 4 hour long walk through the city, alone, again

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

11 months

the agony of feeling like you had disproportionately worse outcomes than people you are similar to because of falling just under some minimum viable threshold of various soft skills such as being able to meet and talk to people in the real world, with reasonable frequency

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

that is torture, it's being trapped in solitary confinement with your own mind, day after day, in an exiciting world, full of delights

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

wish I was in a position where my job did not suck the life and soul out of me I'm not sure what direction to go in or how to make meaningful progress in that direction especially when I have ~0 credibility in any professional sphere and my performance here is not helping that

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

it all collapses down into a handful of real material problems that, in themselves, seem bizarrely trivial, imminently solvable, if not already solved

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

anyway, as far as my mind is concerned, nothing has materially changed all the old observations are there, with their accompanying narratives of failure and shame and regret and anger and confusion

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

11 months

mushrooms ama pls take advantage of me I have important things to say

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

sooo.. I got a full time job! for the first time in like 4 years! and it's my first day today! 😶 😵‍💫 🫠 🫥 😮‍💨 🙂

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

as evidenced by the statistically unlikely amount of amphetamine-like substances consistently circulating in my body, by my own decision

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

8 months

I'm not coping very well I want to hurt myself I need a lot of help I'm so hurt I'm so terrified I don't know what to do

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

also not sure what to do with the narrative that: "I'm smarter/better than this" "I should be earning 10x or 20x this" "I could be, I know so many who do, people who are my intellectual equals, people I could/would work just as hard as, but I'm blocked on ..."

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

it can be that easy, I know it can, I know it *is*, for some, I envy very much those who are able to navigate their world so gracefully, so bravely, but then, it doesnt require so much bravery after all if you're not so terrified all the time

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

I'm just pushing and pushing but nothing is budging stuck becoming unable to reason with myself too much lacking in my life body and mind going on strike to protest harsh working conditions it'll only get harsher

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

holding "nobody is going to save you" in my mind feeling devastated, but accepting seeing it transform into "nobody is going to control you" feeling shocked, empowered transforming into "nobody can find that which is resonant, joyful, for you" feeling elated, calm

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

I would guess 90% of the masculine/feminine "energy" that people perceive in men and women, respectively, comes from: -literally just looking male/female -being confident

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

and I already have this extremely strong sense that pushing harder is not going to help me have to push *differently* what does that mean, exactly?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

but then I wouldn't trust myself to get back on the ball, some way or other I've been there before that was how I ended up doing very little work for two years and I felt really unhappy about the consequences of that, this year how little comparative freedom and agency I had

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

so when you go fumbling around in the dark of each others' trenchcoats, it's really hard to keep track of who was interacting with who, and whether it was a bad or good interaction, and why

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

do I just quit here do I keep dragging my feet do I try and negotiate do I keep looking for this kind of job do I give up on this career entirely do I pour all my energy into passion projects do I jump through hoops to impress some fancy company

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

Whats the highest status work you can get writing code?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

really, this has been the hardest year of my life and I want time to sit and process what I've experienced without having to do really anything at all how long would I need? I don't know, a few months, I guess?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

something else I'd like to say: what I'm often complaining about is a lack of agency feeling trapped in my own mind and body, it's horrifying the fact that this invisible mysterious realm of chemicals can influence my felt sense of agency feels like a huge blackpill

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

if you're ashamed of being needy don't forget that people need to be needed you can help them

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

pretty obvious focus on a weak point, push with my head until I manage to squeeze it under the rim, wriggle out and escape works every time

non aesthetic things

@PicturesFoIder

10 months

What are you doing in this situation?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

this is the worst pain I have ever felt can I just turn off this part of my mind?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

people who get off the train before me: -high neuroticism -uninspired, prone to frivolous novelty-seeking -flighty and faithless, lacking conviction people who get off after me: -low openness -stubborn and dogmatic -dull, jaded and incurious -judgemental and self-righteous

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

I might simply be a fine tuned instrument but what I am measuring is overload, fuzzy static, earsplitting crackling chaos, there's nothing useful about the context I continuously find myself in

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

tweeting is a numbers game jobs? numbers game dating, numbers game math.. numbers game life - numbers game numbers games; numbers game gumber's name. numbers game emag srebmun * numbers game n u m b e r s g a m e a b e e g m m n r s u a b 2e g 2m n r s u ...

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

but he liked my coat! that means so much to me right now, and meant nothing to me at the time, it got swallowed up in "but I feel :/ about dad" I had to wait 4 months to be happy enough to notice a nice thing like that

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

do I keep joking loudly and desperately for the kind of job I want?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

3 months

I missed my flight I feel really disappointed and really stupid and sad and afraid

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

11 months

@nat_sharpe_ my existence raises a lot of questions already answered by my existence

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

I didn't get the job. 😶 I just curled up on the living room floor for 20 minutes and breathed deeply and let my mind fizz.

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

8 months

for the first time in my life, I have two important things, simultaneously: -a relatively clear direction, of my own volition, that I have faith in and enthusiasm for -the necessary resources to *actually move* in this direction

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

and I'll have a narrative for why this one sucked and was wrong and misguided, actually, but actually but until then I get to feel *good* about all the things I usually don't notice, or even actively feel bad about

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

anyway, as much as this narrative might have been enjoyable to write, it's just as worthless as all the others, I'll come crashing back down to earth in a week, a few days, a few hours

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

what's the funnest part of being a man, to you?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

okay so I only had 1 hour of sleep last night but thanks to the good grace of God I actually feel exactly like the 2 hours of sleep guy right now 😎

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

please, I need divine faith 🙏 please, I am begging I am prostrated, vulnerable, cowering I have nothing, I am alone please 🖤

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

Date me doc: If you wanna date me, simply show up, uninvited, on any day you choose, with a piping hot, freshly cooked, margherita pizza.

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

this is sort of self referential, in a way, but it bottoms out at: I know ~NOTHING I can expect to SUFFER in the range of [0-∞] at ANY time, for reasons entirely beyond my comprehension or control, or even for no reason whatsoever (I have NO idea)

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

8 months

it really was that way it really is that way I cry for them every day

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 months

being kind to yourself allows you to remain kind to others when they are unkind to you as a consequence of being unkind to themselves

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

on acid ama

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 months

serious question: how do you know when you're done grieving?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

it's awful.. aaaand this is why I would emphatically encourage people to actually own software, before they make it an extension of themselves no amount of cultural hegemony, collective buy-in, faith, even money, can protect you from having that limb severed off you, by force

Freya Holmér

@FreyaHolmer

1 year

you ever just spend your entire 20s building up a skillset, a creative community, work on developing and supporting a tool valued by game devs across the entire world only for it to be undone because some guy with too much authority in a suit decided to delete it all over night

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

I'm grieving the death of an idea that made me terribly terribly happy when I believed in it

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

is it actually possible to heal your abandonment trauma? how did you do it?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

I'm feeling really bad right now I don't want to have to kill myself But I'm definitely not going to go back to how things were

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

I was wearing my coat, this coat that I love and keep talking about how much I love he clearly loved this coat too he often *doesn't* love the clothes I've worn in my life, and he's very forwardly judgemental and critical about anything he doesn't like

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

8 months

the thing that scares me most is if I'm never with her again I might never see myself again

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

here's an example: 4 months ago, my dad came to visit me, when he saw me, he looked proud and said I look like I belong here in London

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

I'm scared what if I'm leaving some part of myself behind a part I won't get back

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

ok so after all my lusting and yearning and complaining on here, yesterday the stars aligned and I got cuddled really *really* well 🫠

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

I was in a healthy loving relationship with a girl for a decade and then we broke up that's okay, it was a long time and we had changed, we needed to find ourselves again but sometimes I wonder ..where are our divorce papers? ..where are our kids??

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

Don't ask questions like "so what do you do?" at parties. In fact, don't ask questions at all, it makes you seem like you don't have interesting to say about yourself or the world. Here are 10 things to tell people that will make you seem confident and well-rounded 👇

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

@karma_gardener mmm yes nuanced point: I think people use "need" to escape the responsibility associated with wanting, which sometimes backfires

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

because, even with chemical assistance, I *don't* have anywhere near the kind of control I'd like to have over myself, nor over the chemical processes that affect my capacity *to* control myself

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

update: I got into a fight

Rayne

@nascentwisp

1 year

I think I've been transmuting a lot of my anger into sadness and it's been fucking me up

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 months

breakfast ❤️

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 months

dad on a call today: "Rayne, you might not like to hear this but.. you hug too long, just count to 3, that'll convey everything you need and you can leave them wanting more"

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

I feel like very soon I'm going to find myself the happiest I've ever been, or dead

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

if the reasons ARE beyond my control, I CANNOT even know that! so I get to voluntarily TORTURE myself further by FRUITLESSLY attempting to control something I cannot, in the desperate and vague hope it might HELP the situation, as opposed to making it worse (which it often does)

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

7 months

they should make a QC that's a girl

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

tortured artist who got better, became a functional member of society - the rarest, and hottest, type of guy

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

I have big problems: -work -money -community -family -friendship -romance -love -sex -regret -anticipation -shame -self -health -death

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

day 4 of no job it is 6pm and I am having breakfast

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

what causes some to stagnate when they get all their needs met, and others to explore and grow?

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

4 months

bet that feels good asf for the toaster

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

6 months

every detail of my relationship with the world is encoded in my relationship with myself

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

10 days

there can only be faith and I know I have no guarantee of having faith in any given moment but the instruction, the desire is as simple as it could possibly be: please let me have faith

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

9 months

@harry_taussig @animalologist hmm.. there are lots of gender imbalanced communities in the world, in both directions are they all suffering some kind of problem that needs fixing? if not, what makes TPOT different? I would like more women in this space, but that's simple preference, not principle

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Rayne

@nascentwisp

2 years

this year I think I'm gonna try a bit harder

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