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Michael Hogan Profile
Michael Hogan

@michaelhogan

15,796
Followers
5,177
Following
1,936
Media
150,306
Statuses

Writer. Editor. Dad. Doofus. Fan of cricket, ITFC, telly, tunes, old tut. Literary agent: @julietpickering @BFLAgency

London N16
Joined February 2009
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
FFS. Tom Meighan from Kasabian assaulted his girlfriend in a "sustained attack", dragged her back into the house by her ankles and a terrified kid dialled 999 - and he gets community service. What sort of message does that send out about domestic abuse and women's safety?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
“There’s one thing I’m interested in and one thing only and that’s catching bent coppers” - A bus driver tonight
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
Daughter, 7, got a little book in a party goodie bag called 1001 Ways To Save The Planet. Just got panicked message from birthday girl's mum. Turns out there's a page on "detoxing your sex life" with "animal-free bondage gear and solar-powered vibrators" #northlondon
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Bukayo Saka was "a model student" who got four A*s and three As in his GCSEs, less than three years ago. Wonder why people are at pains to claim that his social media posts are ghostwritten, when they wouldn't say this about certain other public figures and famous people🤔
@PaulEmbery
Paul Embery
3 years
Please remember, whenever you read a ‘heartfelt statement’ from a high-profile footballer, it has almost certainly been ghost-written by a press officer. Not a criticism, but we should recognise how these things work.
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Wild swimming = swimming Slaw = coleslaw Side-hustle = part-time job Mac 'n' cheese = macaroni cheese Long read = feature Bone broth = stock Running = jogging Staycation = staying at home, not holidaying in the UK, which is a holiday
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
ALSO ALSO Tom Meighan's own statement yesterday: “Following today’s announcement, I just wanted to let you all know that I am doing well..." Oh, that's a weight off our minds. How about the woman and child? No apology? (I'm a bit cross, can you tell?)
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
7 months
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Channel 4 have changed Thursday night's schedules in tribute to #SeanLock . Stand-up special Keep It Light will air at 10pm. A classic episode of 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown follows at 11pm. Streaming service All4 will also create a compilation of his TV appearances #telly
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Also, Kasabian's announcement yesterday about him leaving the band for "personal reasons", eliciting sympathy from many fans, when they knew full well he was due in court less than 24hrs later for domestic violence... Cynical and shameful
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
16 items middle-class people own: Sommelier corkscrew, Daunt Books tote bag, yoga mat, Scrabble, Maldon sea salt, three copies of White Teeth, Aeropress, Diptyque candle (never lit), bottle of Limoncello (never drunk), Ladybird for Grown-Ups loo book, 6 Gu ramekins for nibbles
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
7 years
These new “Please hold on, the bus is about to move” announcements on London buses, several seconds late, when the bus is already moving, aren’t annoying AT ALL, OH NO
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Yes, that’s enough pics of you looking old now, thanks
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
They called him “The Rapist”. They’re still closing ranks, deflecting and defending. They’re genuinely suggesting women flag down a bus if they’re unsure about an officer. And Cressida Dick once said #LineOfDuty was an unrealistic portrayal of institutionalised police corruption
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 months
Saw Manics and Suede at Ally Pally last night. Shout out to the drunk bloke next to me, bellowing the wrong lyrics to everything. My highlight: “If you talk about this, then your children will be next”
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
This is a year old but it's pretty stark, set out like this: 20 headlines where Meghan Markle has been attacked for the same things for which Kate Middleton has been praised
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Ed Sheeran and Stacey Dooley really need to mow their lawn
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
“We’ll be left holding a sprat when we should’ve landed a mackerel…He will lead us to the big fish.” MOTHER OF COD, TED #LineOfDuty
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
8 months
#LizaTarbuck doing a great job on Radio 2 right now, presenting a poignant "Remembering #SteveWright " edition of Sunday Love Songs with messages from listeners who've had dedications read out over the years. Here's my piece about how great she is
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
I hope mourners at the mighty #JudithKerr ’s funeral drink all of daddy’s beer, then go to a cafe for sausages, chips and ice cream #RIP
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
I love Bear. He brings out the beauty in people. Today two working class men independently described him in surprisingly poetic language. “Apricot” coloured said one. “Cinnamon” said another.
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
1 year
"Myself, Josie, Dermot, Alison, Craig and every single person on this show will continue to work hard every single day to bring you the show that we love." Surely I can't have been the only one thinking: who the merry chuff is Craig?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Please buy magazines and newspapers if you want them to survive. A newspaper costs about the same as a croissant, a mag is about the price of a posh coffee but both are culturally so much more important #keepprintalive
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Sun-Pat is better than upmarket peanut butters. Cadbury’s is better than posh artisanal chocolate. Normal crisps are better than gourmet crisps. That concludes today’s meeting, thanks
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
I note that Mike Tindall and Zara Phillips also held hands at Westminster Hall today but are getting no stick for it whatsoever, while Meghan and Harry are getting loads. Wonder what the difference is🤔
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
1 month
See her what?
@RadziwillLee
Lee Radziwill
2 months
Jennifer Lopez is one of the few stars still committed to the Old Hollywood code. Husbands come and go, but you will never see her crack. She always gives you JLo.
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Trump has just pardoned Tony Gates, Lindsay Denton, Matthew “Dot” Cottan, Danny Waldron, Roz Huntley, John Corbett and Gill Biggeloe
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Dan Wootton: "Can we blame the coronavirus pandemic on Meghan Markle? If not, can we anyway?"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 months
Resounding, well-deserved win for Cambridge in the #BoatRace but the fact that several members of the Oxford crew have been throwing up with e-coli is damning. A disgrace for such a high-profile event. Government urgently needs to clean up our rivers
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Reminder that the BBC didn't split up Charles and Diana. Nor did the BBC cause Diana's death. Many of those spluttering with outrage are far more culpable. Many of them also have a vested interest in knocking the BBC
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
"HOW LONG BEFORE BLM PULL DOWN CAPTAIN TOM'S STATUE?" thunders Richard Littledick in the Mail, despite the fact that there is no Captain Tom statue and he wasn't a slave trader
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
10 years
At least Madonna might get £250 from You've Been Framed :( #BRITAwards
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
The lies seem to follow you around the room
@MichaelPDeacon
Michael Deacon
5 years
Nigel Farage has just unveiled a portrait of himself entitled "Mr Brexit". Jim Davidson is now giving a speech to mark the occasion. Happy Brexit everyone
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Quote from the much-missed Jeremy Hardy in last week’s ⁦ @ObsNewReview ⁩ tribute
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 months
Laurence Fox and Dan Wootton both promising to leave London, which is a shame
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 months
So hang on. He's gone from the pouring rain without an umbrella, to a poorly organised event in a brewery, to the shipyard where the actual Titanic was built? And he's done all this in a private jet, while wearing tiny trousers and laughing nervously?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
People who preface tweets with "Sorry I've been quiet", "Going to take a break for a bit", "Just popping back to say..." etc. LITERALLY NOBODY CARES. We're not all sitting around, twiddling our thumbs and tapping our watches, waiting until you grace us with your presence, you tit
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
9 months
Textbook #BoxingDay scenes on morning dogwalk. Kid's new remote controlled plane got stuck in a tree. Dad threw up a shoe to dislodge it. That got stuck too. Small crowd gathered. Passer-by turned out to be a tree surgeon. Climbed up. Shook branch. Plane fell out. We all cheered
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Sexytime will today be known as "Hancock's Half Hour"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
7 years
**BREAKING** Olly Murs confirmed not as a reliable news source but a behatted bantersaurus and cod-reggae crooner who looks like Tim Lovejoy with mumps
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Rylan is a great presenter and a lovely, funny guy. He's also been open about his recent mental health struggles. Have the media learnt nothing? Leave him alone and hold the right people to account
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
9 years
Glastonbury 2016 headliners confirmed as Coldplay, Adele, Muse, Cath Kidston, Kirstie Allsopp, Downton Abbey & a Keep Calm & Carry On poster
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
Gawd save us from the wisdom of people who apparently know better than one of our best TV dramatists, joylessly grumbling and nitpicking at the #Bodyguard finale 🙄 It was a thrilling, nation-uniting, watch-it-live hit. Leave it be
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
High drama at homeschool as daughter, 9, accidentally types "busty" rather than "busy" into Google image search
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
Apart from the goals and final whistle, my moment of the match was Jill Scott clearly shouting “Oh fuck off, you prick” when a German player tried to get her booked, then the BBC having to apologise to viewers who can lipread #Lionesses
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Stavros Flatley
@ItsAndyRyan
Andy Ryan
4 years
Which parent and child between them produced the greatest body of work in the same field? I'd go with Carl and Rob Reiner. Maybe Kirk and Michael Douglas. Not an Amis fan, btw.
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 months
Lovely to see the brilliant Brad named performer of the night at #ThePiano final. Such a talent. Entirely self-taught. A great example of what kids in care can achieve, given the chance. Here's my chat with him
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
I doubt the writer of the broadsheet piece I just read about "healthy kids' packed lunches" (courgette & olive muffins, beetroot & tahini falafel, pea & pumpkin seed hummus) has ever met an actual child
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Has Robbie Williams just had a massive tax bill or something? He’s plugging his ropy Christmas album on every TV show going. He’ll probably be on Sunday Brunch tomorrow, gurning over an omelette, then on Countryfile, bumming a wellington boot
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
This piece about Jacob Rees-Mogg’s dietary habits somehow isn’t terribly surprising
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
8 years
Bowie, Prince and Victoria Wood currently jamming on a space sexfunk mash-up of Let's Dance, Let's Do It and Let's Go Crazy
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 months
ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO ALL THE FOOTBALL?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Handy/tantalising reminder that tonight’s #LineOfDuty is an absolute white-knuckle classic. Mother of God, maybe even the best episode since series 3’s “Urgent exit required” finale. I’m interested in one thing only and that’s you being on the sofa with a stiff drink at 9pm sharp
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
When did dogs become "doggos"? Was this at the same meeting as macaroni cheese became "mac 'n' cheese" and coleslaw became "slaw"?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
It's one year today since the #FriendsReunion and all those Matt LeBlanc/Irish dad memes💚
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
With two couples down due to Robert Webb's withdrawal and Ugo Monye's back injury, #Strictly presumably has airtime to fill tomorrow. Only one thing for it: massive Dave Arch solo. Perhaps flying over the audience, wearing a cape and playing a keytar
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
The only people who use the phrase "playing the race card" are racists
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
7 years
It's not mac AND cheese, it's macARONI cheese. It's not avocado toast, it's avocado ON toast. It's not slaw, it's COLEslaw #MyManifesto2017
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
I didn’t have the Duke Of Cambridge pegged as a football fan #Lionesses
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Nobody mentioned the fact that when the children finally went back to school, they'd be home again within seven hours. This is rubbish
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
THREAD. Not really. Just wanted to make you sigh wearily
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
I recognise 12 of these 20 "celebrities" and that took some effort. How many can you?
@MasterChefUK
MasterChef UK 🍴
4 years
Who will be crowned Celebrity MasterChef 2020 this summer on @BBCOne @BBCiPlayer ? @JohnTorode1 and @GreggAWallace discover which of our contestants has the palate and skill to chop and slice their way to lifting the Celebrity MasterChef trophy. #MasterChefUK #CelebrityMasterChef
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
People who reply to tweets with just a GIF, usually from a selection of about 12 (blinky guy, tea-spitting lady, clapping, eating popcorn etc). Bit annoying?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
10 years
Bit unfair of Paxman to tell Miliband he's a "North London geek" but not tell Cameron he's a "glassy-eyed Chipping Norton knobshiner"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
Sam Ryder is a lovely, waggy golden labrador of a man #Strictly
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Middle-aged white men posting live DJ streams on social media is the new sourdough
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
From Ocado magazine. You know, for those times when you have leftover gooseberry ketchup and fancy a really weird pizza
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
“Crap suits, dad cars and never got your round in.” Kate Fleming knows how to cut a man to the quick #LineOfDuty
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
This is astonishing. Thought it was a spoof at first: "The awkward lessons of my luxury lockdown in Kensington"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
I'm assuming/hoping that #LineOfDuty airs as scheduled tomorrow because Mother of God, it's a BELTER of an episode. Honestly an all-time classic. The first half-hour is pretty good, then it all goes RIGHT OFF
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Petition to stop people referring to literally anything - shoes, chairs, onions, bicycles - as "these bad boys"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Letter in today’s Guardian. Ain’t that nice?
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
"My passion for wine has developed over the years, having been introduced to wonderful and rare red wine nearly 30 years ago! I am thrilled with the results and I hope you enjoy these wines as much as I enjoyed the process of creating them."
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
Mark Francois is a human fart. A shaved Penfold with bedwetting issues. A blustering pub bore puffball. A sweating estate agent with short man syndrome. A semi-sentient gammon joint. A pig that's run squealing into TM Lewin's washing line. A horse penis with a face drawn on it
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Relatable content in today’s Guardian food section
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Yeah, Oprah’s good but I can’t help thinking that Mrs Merton would have been better #HarryMeghan
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Two ladies on our road just rang the doorbell and shyly gave us a load of fresh-cooked, still-warm food because they're breaking their #Ramadan fast and wondered if we'd like to join in. They also enquired about the health of our dog, who had a knee op recently. People are good
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Just seen this nugget: In 1811, Jane Austen agreed to look after her sister Cassandra’s mulberry trees while she was away. The 35-yr-old novelist killed all of them. “I will not say that your mulberry trees are dead,” she wrote to her sister, “but I am afraid they are not alive.”
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
I, for one, don't wish Ghislaine Maxwell well
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
I got a shout-out on #Strictly ! When the marvellous @claudiawinkle said "Thank you to Michael for suggesting The Comversational Conga" - that was me. I'm now going to retire from public life #scd
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
Advance warning! Tonight's #LineOfDuty is a belter. Action-packed with plenty of twists. It didn't float up the Lagan on a bubble and I'd recommend it to an officer at least one rank senior #telly
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
8 years
From now on, the Evening Standard will be known as "Gideon's bible"
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
@rufusjones1 Not all heroes serve crêpes
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Apparently if any government ministers don't tweet in support of Priti Patel, she's going to wait for them after school and give them a dead arm right on their BCG scab, throw their briefcase over a wall and spread rumours that they wet the bed
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
2 years
In England and Wales, TWO WOMEN are killed by a partner or ex-partner EVERY WEEK. Regardless your opinion of the people involved, nobody should be cheerleading on behalf of an abusive man or gloating about a woman's punishment
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
When a wet tissue on a London pavement reminds you of the EastEnders titles
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
9 years
This is amazing: Pete Tong reads out his website address, 20 years ago (via @alexispetridis )
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
Thornberry has zero time for your shit
@georgegriffiths
george griffiths
3 years
Emily Thornberry is the Meryl Streep of political TV appearances
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
3 years
This is my excited expression at news that Robert Webb is on this year's #Strictly #scd
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
9 years
Got an email about processed meat causing cancer but I think it's just spam
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
6 years
Moved by #AndyMurray press conference. If he does retire, he can be proud. Went from Dunblane survivor to first Brit male Wimbledon winner in 77yrs. Won US Open, Olympic gold, Davis Cup, got to World No.1. Admirable man too: stoic, resilient, drily funny, calls out sexism. Mensch
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
Fellow men! Please try shutting up and listening. Sometimes, just sometimes, your input is not required. It's a maverick idea but try it
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
10 years
Famous people whose names sound like fonts: Adele, Kardashian, Brandon Flowers, Tulisa, Miley Cyrus, Aguuilera, Brookstein, Ariane Grande
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
In 2012, Ben Bradley wrote a blog post about how “our vast sea of unemployed wasters” should have vasectomies to stop them having so many children. When this was later brought to light, he faux-pologised and said his views had since “matured”. Eight years on, they clearly haven’t
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
8 years
Acts now tipped for Trump's inauguration: Wet Wet Wet, Wee Papa Girl Rappers, Waterboys, Yello, Slash from Guns'N'Roses #watersportsgate
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
5 years
Five jobs I’ve had: Nobody Cares And These Are Rarely Funny
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@michaelhogan
Michael Hogan
4 years
He was in the Territorial Army. This is basically Gareth from The Office boasting about how many ciders he had down Chasers with the lads
@JamesCleverly
James Cleverly🇬🇧
4 years
Anyone who’s been in the forces knows the Super-Saturday drill. You can go into town, have a few drinks but don’t kick the arse out of it or you’ll be answering to the RSM/CO in the morning.
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