GOVERNMENT: stay home
ME: ok I’m staying home
GOVERNMENT: ....you wanna go out and get a burrito or something?
ME: can I?
GOVERNMENT: ya maybe I dunno
ME: can I goto the park?
GOVERNMENT: haha buddy I dunno what am I the park police
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Papa Roach is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."
Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Papa Roach.”
last night one of the comics on the show briefly mentioned how Biden won and it made 4 people storm out of the show. on the way out one pointed at me and said “YOU were funny” and I said “I don’t want YOU to think I was funny” and then they all said “fuck you” in unison and left
my first general meeting in LA was with a producer at ABC we talked for an hour about ghosts and when I left she said “I like you. you’re fun. I’ll see what I can do for you here.” and then I followed up with her a week later and found out she no longer worked for the company
listen I hate Canadian stereotypes but I was completely alone walking a trail and I slipped a bit and said "oops sorry" to NOBODY and then I realized what I did and said "ah fuck" and then a mother and child walked by and gave me a look and I said "OOPS SORRY"
Hey new people liking this tweet a bunch I’d appreciate a follow if you enjoyed this. I used to be a stand up comedian in the normal times and now this is all I have?
the new
@KITHOnline
is so good I love it so much also I still can't believe
@ScottThompson_
came to the house warming for my shitty one bedroom Hollywood apartment 5 years ago. one of my friends looked at me and said "why is a Kid in the Hall drinking a lacroix on your patio?"
so far my favorite christmas was when my dad thought he was watering the christmas tree for 3 weeks but he was actually missing the base entirely and then on christmas morning we all unwrapped the moldiest wettest gifts and then we still don't talk about it to this day
as a person living in the US not being able to vote it feels like I'm at a friends house and his parents are fighting at the dinner table and I just have to watch politely and hope that when the fights done the roast beef is still good
today at a car wash I saw a guy digging around in a garbage can so I gave him $5 and he thanked me.
then I saw him take out the whole garbage bag, and put it in a dumpster. then he sat in a booth and played on his iPhone. He worked there. Today I gave a guy working at his job $5.
sometimes when I get a hot dog at Costco I take it out of the bun, put it in my mouth like a cigar, and walk around shaking peoples hands like I own the place
the first oreo is just a "little something sweet" after a meal
the second oreo is "might as well I'm already here"
the third oreo is "k last one"
the fourth oreo is when things start to get dark
I got a scam email from 3 months ago saying if I didn't send them $1,200 they send videos of my nude body from my hacked iPhone to my entire contact list so I freaked out and sent them an updated video because I lost a bit of weight since then
not sure if this “proof of vax” thing is going to work for bars.
I’m currently at a bar, the bouncer asked for my proof of vax, I accidentally showed him a costco receipt and he said “lookin good” and now I’m in the bar
the young couple in the Airbnb next to us were having such loud long sex last night that it almost ruined our evening of my wife and I drinking a $6 bottle of wine and watching golden girls in separate recliners
last book in the expanse series came out and I am being paid zero dollars to tell you it’s one of the greatest stories I’ve ever read get into it if you want a yahoo fun fun space time. thank you
@JamesSACorey
I wrote a peanut butter commercial
FAMILY EATING BREAKFAST
DAD: I’m a bit of a SUPER SPREADER
*kids and wife gasp*
DAD: no not THAT
*points to peanut butter*
KIDS: hahahha
WIFE: hahaha
*mailman peeks into window*
MAILMAN: these are uncertain times
CONVERSATION I’VE HAD AFTER ALMOST EVERY COMEDY SHOW LATELY
AUDIENCE GUY: must suck that comedians can’t say what they want anymore
ME: I don’t say anything racist or weird anyway so nothing has changed?
GUY:
ME:
GUY:
ME:
GUY: I heard you can say anything in Austin
M: we need you to kill a guy
JAMES BOND: can I drive nice car?
M: yes
JAMES BOND: can I sex while I work?
M: haha ya k
JAMES BOND: I’m drunk.
M: haha wow haha good
Hey why doesn't everyone switch to
@SIRIUSXM
instead of Spotify.
a lot of comedian's (myself included) main source of income is from plays on SiriusXM and I have literally made $0.0000007 cents from Spotify
Norm Macdonald is the only comedian that every comedian I knew loved. I constantly get caught up for hours watching youtube clips of him on late night shows and roasts and other comedians told me they did it too they called them "Norm holes". thank you Norm.
*me in the morning*
ME: please just release all the poo now it'd be so convenient
MY BODY: ....no....well...here's SOME of it.
*me 5 hours later in traffic*
MY BODY: THE REST OF THE POO YOU ORDERED IS READY TO SHIP
I’m not doing stand up shows indoors because I don’t think anyone needs to risk their life to see me bomb a bit about how coleslaw should be called “milk salad”