Larry’s Twin 99 @LarrysTwin99 Twitter profile

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I just realized I drive more carefully with ice cream in my car than I do with kids in my car

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Baste your turkey in CBD oil so everyone at the table chills the fuck out

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

I send nudes to my wife throughout the day to speed up divorce proceedings

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

What essential oils work best for getting your family to leave you alone?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

1 year

Today, we lost a family member. Our dog of 10 years passed away. 10 years ago, I didn’t want a dog, but the family insisted. I relented and we went to the local shelter. After meeting with a couple of dogs, we found our girl. She was a stray Pitty who loved everyone…

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Starting a family with Linda

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Doesn’t it feel like 2020 got advice from Charlie Sheen?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My wife does not break eye contact at all during oral sex, even after I enter the room

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

My wife joined Twitter. It was nice knowing you guys

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Sorry...Couldn’t resist

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

Every year I lay a wreath where I lost my virginity

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

Pray for my dog. She’s having a procedure done where soap and water are being applied to her body.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

Porn would be much more realistic if the actors yelled out ‘Ow! Cramp, cramp, cramp!’

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Calling your kid an asshole under your breath is ok, right?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Normally don’t post my kids pic here, but here they are

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

No one cuts out letters from magazines for their ransom notes like they used to.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

I have tested positive for Covid. It’s not fun, but I will live (sorry, haters). In the meantime, be kind to one another while I take a 47 minute break from here.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

I’m officially off the market, ladies. My wife found my account

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Sorry I made things weird by being me

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

About 15 years ago, my friend’s wife made coffee after dinner, but only had skim milk as creamer. I still hate that bitch to this day

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

People who say they ‘forgot to eat’ are the real monsters

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

The sexual tension between me and the Walmart greeter can only be cut with a Great Value knife

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Dropped my kids off at school today, which was emotionally tough since classes doesn’t start until August 27

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I have to stop wishing death upon anyone not using their turn signal

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

How many pounds of mashed potatoes equal one serving?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Bringing back Friday nights on CBS

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

SQUIRT FOR ME, YOU WHORE!, as I yell at the almost empty ketchup bottle.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

Your life is bad? The cd changer in my car won’t open and I have to listen to Creed for the rest of my life.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My neighbors are having sex and I don’t know how to politely leave their bedroom

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

It’s hard being single when you’re married

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Am I jerk to my kids? You be the judge

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

Does anyone still call it ‘pot’ or am I showing my age again?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My wife has this blowjob technique where she doesn’t put it in her mouth. Ever

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

You can’t scare me. I had to wear Kmart sneakers to school

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

May fuck around and ask my kids a million different questions while they watch THEIR favorite fucking shows

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

The guy in the bathroom stall next to me doesn’t seem talkative

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I can tell my daughter cleaned her room because of the 11 dishes in the sink that I haven’t seen in 6 months

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Wait...are we supposed to Pump Up the Volume or Pump Up the Jam?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

I can’t get ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ out of my head. Please help me

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Visited Jim Croce’s grave

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

1 year

I cried a lot this weekend thinking about what she meant to us and what she was going through these last two weeks. She was a beautiful girl. We may get another dog in the future who has her same qualities, but she will never be replaced in our hearts.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

SHE SAID YES!!! (to a divorce)

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

I screamed out my Wendy’s order during sex last night.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Gonna side with her

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

Oregon woman accused of punching boyfriend for leaving her dog in the rain

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I’m not allowed to touch my wife’s sex toy. And by sex toy, I mean my neighbor, Frank

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

7 years

@AndyOstroy @SenatorTimScott The Klan called, you have to bring a fruit tray to the Christmas party

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

A platform that gives you 280 characters to clearly state your point and change someone’s firmly held opinion #DescribeTwitterBadly

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

STOP TWEETING ABOUT CURRENT TRENDS AND TV SHOWS I’M OLD AND I HAVE NO IDEA WTF YOU’RE TALKNG ABOUT!

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Sorry I wasn’t on today. The wife gave me the sign she was ready for sex so I had to leave the house until she was done

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

70 houses visited. One Almond Joy. I don’t like what’s happened to my country.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Why do guys in porn slap their cocks on a woman’s clitI? Are they trying to open a secret door in the study?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I think I caught my wife masturbating but it was hard to see anything with that guy on top of her

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

7 years

Sex so bad, you think you’re married to each other

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Just the good ol’ boys...

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

What diet soda pairs best with emotional binge-eating?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

I was raised on lead gasoline and second hand cigarette smoke

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

@Disturbed_1ne @SamTWasteAway @MariannaNBCNews Why is it fake, bruh? The only thing McConnell did was extend Reid’s change to the SC. Otherwise, good story

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Deadliest Catch

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I would invite you all to my home, but I’m afraid half of you would be f*cking in my living room and the other half getting high and eating my Doritos

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I wish Playboy did a spread of hot Walmart cashiers

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

7 months

This is awkward.

Sitcom People

@SitcomPeople

7 months

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

Remember how we loved Everclear for 11 minutes?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I asked my wife what was going through her mind during her last orgasm and she said she doesn’t remember much from 1999.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Serious tweet: if you have the ability, give what you can to food drives over the next two months. Whether that’s food, money or your time. Many of us will have plenty in next 8 weeks, but there are plenty who won’t.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Can you develop PTSD from a neighbor wanting to talk to you at 8am?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

The new Walmart greeter sooooooo wants to fuck me

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

Ready to sext one of you hot bitchez.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

Looks like I’m the only one in this strip club with a top hat and cane.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 months

6 years sober from Tide Pods. Can I get an amen?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I’m just one tattoo away from my first one

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

So buying my wife her very own burial plot for her birthday wasn’t the best gift I guess

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

Two rules for men 1. Never go into a woman’s purse 2. Never tell a woman what her ‘job’ is

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

My wife gave me a ‘coupon’ for one night of wild sex. I wonder if brothels accept competitor coupons?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My wife calls my cock ‘public transit’ because she doesn’t like to ride it unless it’s absolutely necessary

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

I hide behind this avi so you ladies don’t leave your husbands for me.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

I joke a lot about my kids, but they mean a lot to me at tax time

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

1 year

Through most of her life, she greeted everyone with puppy like energy. People who didn’t ‘like’ dogs found her sweet and ended up loving her back. I enjoyed my daily walks with her and sitting with her on ‘her’ couch.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

I just found out Elton John is gay so I’m purging all his songs from my library. Thank God I still have Queen and Judas Priest to listen to.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

I’m probably closing this account tonight due to lack of attention being paid to me at this very moment.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

My wife’s onlyfans is just videos of me loading the dishwasher wrong and the criticism that follows

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

6 years

I would get a divorce, but I’m afraid I’ll get custody of my kids

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

Shout-out to all of those who have trouble hearing!

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I can fit 16 curse words in one sentence while I’m driving

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

Some of you idiots make this website tolerable. Thank you.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

He looks like he’s one Monster drink and three lines of coke away from robbing an Arby’s at 3am

New York Post

@nypost

4 years

Justin Bieber can subpoena Twitter to turn over sexual assault accusers, judge rules

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

3 years

Is getting cum in your hair something to freak out about? The lady in front of me at the supermarket is flipping out

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

My onlyfans is just me blowing into Nintendo game cartridges.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

You’d think having 11 bowling trophies would get me laid anytime I want, but you’re wrong

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I love giving massages, but the people in this elevator don’t seem receptive

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

Can we all agree we’re all part-time sex addicts?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

2 years

My bowling league has become too sexually intense.

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

Wish my boner made a ‘boing’ sound when I got excited

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 months

Slander!

Barphbie ©

@Barphbie

5 months

Who the fuck is Larry?

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

My wife insists on being buried together when we die and now I can’t even enjoy the afterlife

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

5 years

I’ll act like a slut in front of Dairy Queen if I want to

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Larry’s Twin 99

@LarrysTwin99

4 years

How to become popular here without trying: * Tweet you smoke a lot of weed * Tweet you’re a slut (male or female) * Tweet you’re obsessed with bacon * Tweet you’re currently fucking, while smoking a bowl with a plate of bacon in the bed

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