dan jones @danielwjones_ Twitter profile

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

7 months

Me if I was one of Usher’s backup dancers

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

Bro tell me why I can’t get my son to just be still for any show but we are watching the Sydney Sweeney hot ones episode and this boy is locked in 😭

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me when I go out with my friends and it’s only 10pm and I’m already ready to go home

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

7 months

Larry is going to hell for this entire episode

no context curb your enthusiasm

@ProManimalUnity

7 months

who got that one larry david clip?

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 months

@bigcontentguy She dances like she plays for the New Zealand rugby national team before a game

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

@juleesssy

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

If KU really opens this season by hiring snoop dogg to do a show with strippers and a mascot smoking an inflatable blunt, gets into a massive brawl after beating KSU by 20 and then wins a natty I will get this entire team tattooed on my back

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

@bigcontentguy The prince that was promised

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

@chaiiwalii I always laugh when he stands like a little inspector 😭😭😭

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me pulling up to popeyes for the third day in a row

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

start of end of the decade the decade

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Philly flipping the entire state of Pennsylvania???

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

@maxisnicee This has gone on long enough

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

Okay it’s official my son is the man 😭

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

I just saw Cocaine Bear and let me tell you…

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

Eli Apple checking into the Intercontinental Presidente Hotel in Cancun tomorrow morning:

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

@JtheBizDev

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 years

#ifweweremarried I'd do cute things like not let our son fall 15 feet into a 450 lb gorilla pit

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

Me unsubscribing from Netflix the second after I finish the season finale of Ozark

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 months

The good people of Kansas City are arguing about if we should build this stadium or not and I think it is all a clever ploy to distract us from the fact that we just built a Ferris wheel at the lowest point of the city

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Bro I’m at the Mexican grocery story and this white woman asked this girl working the register “can I have two forks? dos....forks?” And the girl responded “yeah sure?” In perfect English LMAOOOOO also dos forks? You really helped her out with that vast Spanish knowledge, Susan

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

7 months

@realmessyboy He put on a clinic this episode lmao

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

CNN producers after the weekend goes by without a joker themed mass shooting

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

You absolutely hate to see it

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Dating in your twenties is just ghosting someone over the smallest inconvenience without a second thought and then going to bed with paralyzing anxiety over how you’ll probably die alone and fail to continue your family’s legacy 🤪

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

@Danaforfvcksake @theFLYinHAWiian Just waiting for that right girl to put in some effort

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Someone literally shot JFK in the face in front of his wife on a Friday afternoon

Donald J. Trump

@realDonaldTrump

5 years

There has been no President in the history of our Country who has been treated so badly as I have. The Democrats are frozen with hatred and fear. They get nothing done. This should never be allowed to happen to another President. Witch Hunt!

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

You can tell everything you need to know about a person by how they treat a waiter at a restaurant

Pop Crave

@PopCrave

2 years

James Corden has been banned from an NYC restaurant after owner Keith McNally accused him of being “extremely nasty” to his staff on multiple occasions: “[He was] the most abusive customer to my Balthazar servers since the restaurant opened 25 years ago.”

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

When you think she’s gonna dice you up into a summer salad but she gives you that a1 sloppy toppy instead

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

Doc Rivers after driving another franchise into the ground

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me breaking it off with anyone who’s been supportive and good for me after 2-3 months due to my crippling commitment issues

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

This was the security available during the Black Lives Matter protests this summer in case you forgot

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me at 22: I want 5 kids, a house in the suburbs but close to the city, a couple dogs and a loving wife who I can share everything with 💞 Me at 26: I want complete silence

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Just gave that dababy album a listen on my car ride home and man......

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

6 years

Gambling is now legal and everyone on my timeline is getting engaged so I’m gonna set up a website where you can bet on which one of your friends get divorced first

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 years

hi welcome to kansas city all of our streets are under construction and every exit ramp is closed hopefully u can teleport sry

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Booked another tattoo sesh. 3 years ago I told my mom I was only gonna get one and now I’m about to get my 26th LMAO that poor woman

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

I really liked this girl I talked to earlier this year until she told me she wasn’t crazy about my dog, or “any animal really”.......psychopath. Haven’t spoken to her since

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Women terrify me sometimes. Y’all are way too damn resourceful. I had a random conversation with this girl on campus yesterday and she shot her shot via school email how did she find me 😂

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

Patrick Mahomes right now:

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

1st base: raw sex 2nd base: acknowledging each other’s existence on social media 3rd base: attending any sort of family dinner home run: sitting together in complete silence while you both check twitter

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

There’s no one I hate more than someone making fun of overweight people at the gym. You gotta be a real low life piece of shit to make a fellow human uncomfortable in a setting in which they’re trying to better themselves

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Jon Snow: - hooking up w aunt - constantly complaining - 5’8 Night King - good with animals and kids - has not complained once - beautiful blue eyes/strong as shit

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

I’m gonna spoil the shit out of the next person I date

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 months

Hartzell

@hartzell965

5 months

Oh, the places we’ll go. #KC

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

No one: My Apple Watch when I don’t take enough steps in a day:

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

Remember when Baker Mayfield insulted Daniel Jones for absolutely no reason at all saying he didn’t belong in the league, and now Jones is about to beat the Packers and go 4-1 and Baker is one more bad game away from selling term life insurance back home in Texas? Tough

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

white dudes that are “socially liberal” but “fiscally conservative” describing their personality

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Just got a calendar notification and I was confused. Turns out I slid into a girls DMs when I was drunk but she still had a boyfriend so I put a reminder in my phone to try again in 6 months. Why am I like this

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

@jacobdgilmore @Coll3enG @bmgerf You don’t think you being from an affluent family might have some sort of bias on your perception on programs that are drastically needed for underprivileged youth...

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Some of the DUMBEST people I went to high school with are talking about how we don’t need masks on Facebook...ok bro none of us forgot how basic geometry nearly beat your ass to death but continue talking to us about epidemiology

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

@yosoyguapojr I think it’s hilarious he values her at somewhere between 20-30k. I bet he’d do it for 28

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

@el_budget Westbrook might be the best athlete, but DRose was just on another level

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

@ConorGolden Ironic considering my sons were born in Kansas City 😂

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

As a man, I really appreciate how low the bar is in 2019

ℌ𝔞𝔫𝔫𝔞𝔫 𝔅𝔞𝔰𝔞𝔢𝔢𝔡

@huhnon_

5 years

Men who express how they feel>>>>

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

I need my future wife to be like this

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Some of y’all are terrified of having a gay son but personally I am terrified of having a straight son that records himself licking peaches for the whole god damn timeline to see

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Bucs Fans: We got TB12 and Gronk??? It’s a wrap for the rest of the league The rest of the league:

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

@jacobdgilmore @Coll3enG @bmgerf I just think it’s pretty simple reasoning - if you want to take away a woman’s right to choose and force them into parenting then at least do everything in our power to help them coming at a disadvantage. Or else u are just giving that child little to no chance

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

Texas and OU heading off to the SEC:

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

How I feel after going a few weeks without sex

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me contemplating if getting hand tattoos is worth potentially limiting future employment opportunities

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

6 years

When I was a freshman I thought it was a great idea to take out loans to put more money on my student ID card so I could eat chic-fil-a for lunch every day and now I’m paying subsidized interest on waffle fries and lemonade

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Popeyes workers really getting $9.75 an hour to work in an active war zone

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

In college when I studied Slavic languages, I made a promise to myself I would spend a birthday here before I turned 30. Being the procrastinator I am, I made it when I turned 29. To all my people back home, I love y’all and I’ve never been happier. Živjeli 😎

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Ugh I miss January man. No pandemic. Just basketball and community. Not a phone in sight just people living in the moment

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me on my way to pay Apple Music 9.99 every single month to listen to the same 5 songs

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

8 months

Personal news: my second boy was born into the world tonight and he and my wife are completely healthy. I am feeling very very blessed right now.

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 months

Just placed a wager on women’s basketball

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

10 years

When you're white but you went to olathe north http://t.co/5orPEHAH4y

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Me considering settling down and starting a beautiful family with someone but then remembering I have zero energy all the time every day

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Nah bro I’m crying 😂😂😂

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Joaquin Phoenix when Jared Leto called to give him advice on how to play joker

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

1 year

Confession: there is a furniture store down the street from my work that tries to get customers drunk but the bar is for anyone so sometimes I come here just for the $2 Tank Sevens

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Today was amazing because I was able to vote early for @BarbaraBollier ! Please give her your vote. She’d be the first Democrat to hold that seat in 88 years and no one is more qualified!!! Thank you for everything you do for Kansas, Dr. Bollier. Good luck! 👍🙏

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Depression sucks bc you can have everything in life and still feel it. Take me for example, I have a goldendoodle and a patagonia fanny pack with a gameboy and tiny bottle of sriracha sauce in it and I still have plenty of lows

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

2 years

@bturner23 The kings belong in the city with the chiefs and the royals

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

I grew up in a (somewhat) normal white family and I had no idea other white people call their grandparents some WILD shit. You meet their family and they like “this is my meemaw and poopoo” ....like bitch what?!

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

If marijuana isn’t harmful to society then explain all of these commoners who think their random thoughts are PODCAST worthy

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

Eric Trump

@EricTrump

4 years

We have won Pennsylvania!

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

This video always makes me laugh...the way he’s trying to keep it together in the beginning 😂😂😂

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

I AM CRYING BRO LMAOOOO

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

One of the best restaurants in my city closed down during COVID and instead put all their resources into making free meals to all who may have needed them the past year as well as hot beverages on colder days. I can’t wait to support @ladybirddiner when they’re back open 🙏🙏🙏

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Dude if some of these milfs at healthridge keep eyeing me I might mess around and end up the step dad to some spoiled ass PRT kids idk

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

This was every single girl in my class at olathe north

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

William Shakespeare himself couldn’t dream of writing something as in-depth and cross culturally significant as this scene

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

One of the most incredible actors I’ve ever watched…RIP Michael Williams

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Man...tormund was really trying to vent to his boy about how his dream girl didn’t want him and jon was really like “that’s cool. so I guess I’ll never see you again right? btw will you watch my dog lol”

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Man I was maybe 5 minutes late walking into a lecture bc I couldn’t find a parking spot and when I sat down the girl next to me leaned over and said “you know you’re late, right?” lmaooo okay hermoine granger, relax

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

One time I took a girl to dinner that I paid for and she had the audacity during appetizers to look me dead in the eye and tell me g-eazy was her favorite artist. And I just had to sit there for another hour...don’t talk to me about trauma

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

This summer I hooked up with one of my friends moms. Lmaooo. They don’t know/might kill me if they ever find out, but hey

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

I would die in the wild so fast bro lmaooook

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

3 years

Twitter is hilarious because even if the world was actually ending we really would be all on this app getting 1 last meme off

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Man why does Dane Cook comment on his teenage girlfriends pictures the same way your grandma would lmao

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

5 years

Girls on twitter are always like “my OLD boyfriend would steal my car when I needed to go to work and use my rent money on codeine, but my NEW boyfriend actually remembers my name 🥰 never settle”

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dan jones

@danielwjones_

4 years

All of NBA twitter sending their support to the nuggets: