guterman @danguterman Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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@harry33swartz

guterman

@danguterman

6 years

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

20 years ago i got fooled very badly by THE SIXTH SENSE. I swore I’d never let my guard down again and have since assumed every character in every movie is DEAD unless told otherwise. Movies are not really fun anymore but i refuse to be humiliated a second time.

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@danguterman

5 years

fyi no one’s making it out of the next decade alive

Mikael Thalen

@MikaelThalen

5 years

I've gone down a black hole of the latest DeepFakes and this mashup of Steve Buscemi and Jennifer Lawrence is a sight to behold

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

First thing Clinton should do as president is pour everything into education so that this never ever happens again.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

. @barackobama when do u get back from vacation no reason everything is good just curious

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@danguterman

7 years

if you loved that episode, we top it this season, multiple times. If you hated it, we top it this season, multiple times.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

Check out the new Rick and Morty gif generator

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@danguterman

5 years

took a trip to los carneros in the heart of wine country. so beautiful out here but all i can think about is work

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@danguterman

5 years

I don’t care who the new Batman is as long as his parents are murdered.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

I am in a crate & barrel rn and the only other person in here is Hulk Hogan.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

"Two strangers bound together by a shocking secret” - cool way of describing sandwiches

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

@patrick_hostis @HillaryClinton I like her.

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

If I was rich I'd have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

going through the latest guinness world record book. very cool!

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

Do they sell 2017 calendars by the month? Not sure I want to commit to a full year.

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guterman

@danguterman

12 years

A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

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guterman

@danguterman

11 years

Ayn Rand's favorite stuffed animal growing up was an eight foot beam of steel.

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guterman

@danguterman

5 years

fox news hoping it finds the world’s smallest horse or largest onion ring to report on by 10 a.m.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

popsugar just sold me all of your faces for a very gross thing I’m working on

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

So everyone who's not a nazi, we're all gonna unite, right? We're not gonna split hairs & fuck this up again right? Please? Fucking please?

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

The alt-right movement is driven by an elaborate ideology masking two important truths: they fear women and suck at sketch comedy.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

A good curse would be people can hear it whenever you play air guitar.

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guterman

@danguterman

5 years

depression is like carrying a 300 pound man on your back and he’s got his head perched on your shoulder and he’s babbling about stuff from eight years ago

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

time to write *sits down, thinks for 9 hours* ok, good writing day

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

There are 3 basic storytelling conflicts. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Man. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Nature. Jamaican Bobsled Team vs Self.

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

I've watched my wife fall asleep every night for the last 10 years. Still can't believe we've been together for almost 6 years.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

48 hours till work on s3 begins

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

NEW DUNK IDEA: An elderly man mailing a handwritten letter to an old friend he doesn't realize has passed away. And you dunk over him.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

QUICK Q: when trump's presidency implodes and I weep with joy -- do those tears go in the old mugs or are you guys getting new mugs for that

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guterman

@danguterman

3 years

im so so so so so so so old

Dentoshi

@Dentoshi

3 years

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

"Let me eat cake" - Donald Trump

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

My new novel "1994" is a sequel to the classic dystopian masterpiece, except everyone is in college now.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

If you pay close attention you can spot four to six anxious time travelers at every Trump rally.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

this is gonna sound like allegory but i fell inside a very deep hole and the more i try to climb out the deeper the hole gets. again, not a metaphor, hole is real, i am inside the hole, please send help, hole does not represent anything, please hurry

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

This took me 45 minutes.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

*nods* mhmm yes right *nods* I see

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

They all laughed when I said I was going deaf. But who's laughing now?

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

You know the scene in Searching For Bobby Fischer where the kid stares at a chess board and sees a whole match play out? That's me with cake

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

it’s a sweet and heartwarming movie but the old man from UP totally voted for trump

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

A cool thing to say when people are discussing television is "I believe it's 'Doctor Whom'".

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

This IKEA joke may be cheap, but it still took me hours to set up.

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guterman

@danguterman

12 years

Just opened up a Tupperware of leftover whupass.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

My biggest fear is that we won't still be furious in three months and in six months and in a year from now.

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guterman

@danguterman

12 years

I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure spring, fall asleep, and maintain an erection.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night? Hurry. This thing is creeping me out.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

wiped supremacist

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which.

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

I remember a simpler time when men were men, and women were men, and horses were two men inside a costume with a third man riding on top.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

SCREENWRITING TIP: Don't.

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guterman

@danguterman

4 years

Walked out of Wonder Woman 84. Tweeting this from my front yard.

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

The thing I remember most about having a pet rock is how one day it just went crazy and attacked my best friend in the back of the head.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

The secret to drawing horses is start drawing a dog and then halfway through pretend the dog is really, really rich.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

whenever i get depressed i have this little trick i do where nothing really helps until it basically goes away on its own.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

WOMAN: my husband died. he had a heart attack. ME: *mimes playing world’s largest violin* WOMAN: what are you doing? ME: *still miming very immense violin* no, this is a good thing. im on your side here.

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guterman

@danguterman

12 years

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

DISASTER: This Cat Undoes Months Of Conspiracy Work

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

In the biopic about Trump the childhood sled would be called Trump.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

this is everything u need to know about me: i cast three 14 year olds as bullies and I looked between takes and saw them making fun of me

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guterman

@danguterman

5 years

THRILLER IDEA: A man finds stacks of money inside his burrito. We then cut to another man as he opens a briefcase to reveal carne asada. The man struggles to explain. He is shot through the head.

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guterman

@danguterman

11 years

Thousands of assholes walk into a bar.

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guterman

@danguterman

5 years

erin brokovich was suspicious of me & my loud motorcycle & tattoos but then i beat her kids at cards & she couldnt say no

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

Women love it when you emit three high pitched squawks, inflate your expandable throat pouch, and then dart back and forth between trees.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

A taste of the obnoxious work two obsessives did during the animatic stage. (CC: @ryanridley )

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

If the shit Donald Trump has said as President ever gets out, he’s done.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

One wonders how much chaos the Three Stooges could've avoided with clear and open communication.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

Weird. A year ago I would've hated dying.

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guterman

@danguterman

12 years

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Stop embarrassing yourself. You're thirty-one.

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@danguterman

3 years

when you get fired over zoom they make you clean out your apartment and leave.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

I think characters should be able to find the mask from THE MASK movies in movies that aren’t THE MASK.

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

I got some things through but a lot of my ideas ended up being "too weird" for that episode.

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guterman

@danguterman

10 years

There's a quiet sort of dignity in shutting the fuck up.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

Halloween is fun, because haha, I'm a monster pretending I'm not a monster pretending I'm a different monster.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

On my deathbed I will be very explicit about what is or isn't a sled.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

dont let ordering mozzarella sticks through ur phone fool you: this is very much a dystopia.

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guterman

@danguterman

8 years

If a book uses symbolism it should have to tell you. And list the pages it's on. And have characters "cough" right before symbolism is used.

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

The thing I remember most about growing up on a farm upstate is how many dead dogs we had as pets.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

. @wwe please use my idea for a bad guy who everyone hates because he walks really really slowly to the ring

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

i was feeling really upset and i didn’t know why and then i remembered oh right everything

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

you are about to hit a wall

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guterman

@danguterman

9 years

Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

time traveler from the future just found out I’m jewish and has like a million questions. he is very excited. not a great sign.

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guterman

@danguterman

11 years

Probably the hardest move in ultimate frisbee is getting a job.

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guterman

@danguterman

6 years

my favorite episode of seinfeld is when they bet who can go the longest without masturbating and one by one they all masturbate and you see it each time

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guterman

@danguterman

7 years

Tonight is the season finale of Rick and Morty season three. Thanks for watching! Hope it was worth the wait!

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guterman

@danguterman