Babe, for the past decade, I've secretly been sewing heavier and heavier threads into all your clothes. Now, in a normal outfit, you should be capable of incredible feats of agility. Happy anniversary♥️
Hey man, I'm stranded in Kyoto, no money, no place; I hate to do this to you, and I don't know if you're still close...but you have to call your uncle who works at Nintendo and see if he can hook me up
5 hours after taking acid: Life and death are the same and I fear nothing
48 hours after taking acid: With two more bagels at the same price as the regular bag Thomas' Bagel Thins are the grocer's best bargain
I hate the word “girlfriend” and pretty much never use it. it’s caused some mixups where I say “romantic partner” and other clunky phrases and people assume I’m gay. but “girlfriend” conjures images of making out under the bleachers. it isn’t suited for adults
We need more george costanza characters: unemployed, bald, chubby, short, living with his parents in his 30s for a while, but still has a solid friend group and dating life. He gave people hope and the government should mandate he be on tv
The Simpsons is an esoteric retelling of the journey from Judaism ("Abraham" Simpson) to Hellenism ("Homer" Simpson) to Christianity ("Bartholomew" Simpson)
You guys don't really believe that leprechaun, luck o' the Irish stuff do you?⬅️guy who's about to learn a very magical lesson about the true meaning of St. Patrick's day
2024 Debates
Trump: What do you say, Joe, should we give the people what they want?
Biden: ?
Trump: (turns to crowd and smiles) Obamna. (crowd goes nuts)
Biden: (looks down and chuckles, gives a glance like "should I?" Everyone's cheering him on) Soda. (wild applause)
We're not technically supposed to torture the giant, but it does increase his rage which increases the output, so no one's complaining
Project Veritas guy: and this giant is the real source of all so-called "green energy"?
You might wonder how our war criminal overlords sleep at night. It's because they 1) burn sage 2) wear blue light blocking lenses 3) visualize their trauma and say "I release you" while exhaling
Dude I'm sorry she ran off with your neighbor, we're all here for you, but we can't let you stay in HusbandChat. You can still post in the Drunk Driving group, it's 99% the same people anyway
Hot dog eating contests were supposed to be a fun lark where you have 10-11 dogs then get a t-shirt that says "hot dog champion" on it which you wear to embarrass your wife. Then Joey Chestnut ruined it.
🔴
@NASA
is warning of a "wobble" in the moon's orbit that is set to see the world face significantly more natural disasters.
An onslaught of coastal flooding starting in the mid-2030s is expected, Nasa has warned
🧵👇
Boy: I love Gilmore Girls, the characters, the fully fleshed out world, and whether it's funny or dramatic the dialogue is top notch
Girl: yea...the dialogue...
*I gently knock on the executive's door and shuffle in with my hat in my hand* Sir me and the guys were talking and uh, well we want to give up our bathroom breaks. We want to piss in a big bucket under our desks, to increase productivity