Chad Opitz @chadopitz Twitter profile

Last Seen Profiles

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

I'm a little suspicious of the new maid they just hired for the White House

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@chadopitz

3 years

Jamie Lee Curtis reading Playgirl > Grimes reading Karl Marx

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3 years

My brother and I when the doorbell rang if we were left home alone

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2 years

I've been "Maine sober" (haven't done cocaine off a Stephen King book) for 30 days

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3 years

These dudes were 33 & 35 when this picture was taken in 1982. They are both still alive today. I believe the key to longevity is looking old as hell right off the bat

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2 years

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed Me:

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 months

I've been "Florida sober" (haven't done cocaine with Hulk Hogan) for over 90 days.

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Chad Opitz

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6 months

Rick Moranis is still safe

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

10 months

The new president of Argentina looks like if a British car from the 70's turned into a human being

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

What every polyamorous couple in the Bay area looks like

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

8 months

If the guitarist looks like this, you're gonna die in that pit

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Chad Opitz

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6 months

RIP to legendary Canadian comic actor Joe Flaherty. Another one who made everything he popped up in a lot better.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

There are like 10 million songs about getting your heart broken and only one song about some sorta weird fuck shack

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

While John Cusack is trending, id like to remind people that Better Off Dead is a Christmas movie

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Don't forget to leave nachos and some pottery for Seth Rogen when he comes through your microwave at midnight tonight

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

Don't say that you're "goth" if you dont know this man

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Jared Leto looks like he's about to sell a shitload of product at my mom's tupperware party in 1989

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 months

When they spell it "shoppe" instead of "shop" I know I'm about to be whimsically overcharged

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

9 years

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

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Chad Opitz

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4 years

The owner of Hot Topic seeing that Rob Zombie is directing a Munsters movie

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

Its about to become Maroon 1

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Chad Opitz

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6 years

Got an amazing shot of the full blood moon last night

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Chad Opitz

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2 years

Don't claim to be into punk/hardcore unless you know this band

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

Gwyneth Paltrow dubs Shallow Hal as her biggest regret as she takes a big whiff of a candle that is scented like her vagina

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

This seems like a good time to show people my real passion: PROTECTING RICK MORANIS.

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Chad Opitz

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8 months

Bone broth suggests the existence of thug broth and harmony broth

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Chad Opitz

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2 years

Someone Venmo'd me $5 because of this

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

@pescami Good

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Chad Opitz

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2 years

@Kittenfish817

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Don't you dare trash talk Elvira on my watch. Unacceptable.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 months

@ErickLorinc Maybe the thing I miss most about older films is that they did seem to put more care into casting and writing smaller roles. Like lots more characters that only had a couple lines felt way more interesting in older movies than they typically do now

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Chad Opitz

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5 years

Is this picture of Emo Phillips and a seemingly insane dog the greatest picture ever?

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3 years

Easily my favorite scene in Dune (2021)

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

1 year

Stephen King's son looks like Stephen King and I had a son

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Chad Opitz

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1 year

Love this pic of Brad Dourif on a flight with Chucky

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Oh my god this is good

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

I like this very much

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

The only Devos that I would trust my childrens education to

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Moon with Sam Rockwell may be the perfect social isolation movie for right now. I think it's Rockwell's greatest performance as of yet. And the music score by Clint Mansell is so beautiful.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

8 months

True Detective season 8

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

Somebody once said my car had "the turning radius of Michael Keaton's neck in the first Batman movie" and that's one of the funniest, most specific burns I've ever heard

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

I enjoy chocolate chip cookie dough because it combines my love of chocolate chip cookies with my love of not finishing what I start

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Wow. Ernest really going above and beyond in this one

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Me getting my shit together

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Get every McDonald's employee in Washington DC a COVID test right away

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

The Church of Scientology aired an ad during the Super Bowl and I just want to remind people that Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts now because he realizes that death is the only way out of Scientology

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Chad Opitz

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2 years

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Chad Opitz

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5 years

Greta Thunberg has received the worst treatment as a child I've seen since the lead kid in Phantom Menace

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

One of the greatest shirts ever made

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

When you can't decide whether you just need to relax or die

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 months

In Jerry Seinfeld's new Netflix movie there's a Pop Tart that won't stop saying the N-word

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Donald Trump: banned from Twitter for 12 hours for staging a coup and telling people to invade the Capitol Building Me: banned from Twitter for more than 12 hours because I told Kevin Smith I thought Tusk was a piece of shit movie

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Chad Opitz

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1 year

Beautiful

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

Instead of a Jack Daniels, I accidentally ordered a Jeff Daniels and the bartender brought me a smooth, low-key beverage that subtly stole the spotlight from the evenings other beverages.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

I didn't bomb for one minute tonight.... I bombed for 25 minutes

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

Triceratops implies the existence of Tricerabottoms

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

It's the one year anniversary of the greatest photo ever taken. The amazing @EmoPhilips and this seemingly insane dog.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

The only Prince you should ever care about wore purple and lived in Minneapolis

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

Saw a bumper sticker that read "I'm not drunk, I'm Chinese" but some white lady was driving so i called the cops to report a stolen vehicle with a drunk driver

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

Jason Alexander was 30 during the first season of Seinfeld. Hot damn. He wasn't even 40 when the show ended, that's wild

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

One time I was behind a truck with a "Honk If You Love Neil Diamond" bumper sticker so I honked and the guy flipped me off. I felt used and betrayed and I hope that man gets put away for a very very long time.

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Chad Opitz

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1 year

Now Jared Fogle is the 2nd worst thing to happen to subs

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

This made me laugh so hard

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

Burrito timeline

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

Ernest really doesn't get credit for everything he's done

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Chad Opitz

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4 years

Times are tough. Here's Prince roller skating in short shorts, fishnets and a Batman shirt

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Chad Opitz

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10 years

Movie theatre downtown showing "God's Not Dead," "Heaven Is For Real" and "Noah." Had to go to church to see "Captain America 2."

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Chad Opitz

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5 years

Don't really care what the Academy Awards say, I still maintain that the Best Picture of 2019 is @EmoPhilips and this crazy looking dog

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Chad Opitz

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6 months

So wild that these two are father/daughter

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

This dog looks like it teaches music history at a community college

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

@Hipstercrite I was washing my hands in a restroom in a diner in Ellensburg, WA and Bruce McCullough from Kids in the Hall came out of a stall and I said "Whoa, what are you doing here?" and he said "Taking a shit"

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Chad Opitz

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4 years

@ai4liberty Hell yeah, she finally infiltrated the elite to pull off her mission

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Chad Opitz

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7 years

Jim Carrey in a rare promotional advertisement for cocaine.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

1 year

Jay Leno agreed to do this because he thought he'd be doing it with a Toyota Corolla

Deadline

@DEADLINE

1 year

Jay Leno & Adam Carolla Team Up For Comedy Fantasy Camp For Aspiring Comedians & Writers

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

9 years

#AskTrump Do you dislike Mexicans because most of them have lush, beautiful, natural hair?

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Kicking practice

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

2 years

Me: Could I get a light roast, please? Barista: You look like Francis Ford Coppola if he were into plastic jug vodka instead of wine. Me: Perfect, thanks.

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Chad Opitz

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1 year

This had to have been the most iconic party of all time

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

No haunted corn mazes in San Francisco so I'm just gonna take acid in the middle of an IKEA

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 months

Showing Steve Buscemi that I'll keep him safe

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Me trying on a size Medium

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Chad Opitz

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3 years

Who called it "Pegging" and not "Chick Fill A?"

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Nikki Minaj's cousins friend after he got the vaccine

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

@Doritos Sam Elliott's pulling off better acting in a Doritos commercial than most actors do in their whole lifetime

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

5 years

Instead of "Bottom" and "Top" perhaps consider changing it to "Ground Control" and "Major Tom"

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

This mask absolutely rules

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Holy shit

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Stocked up on Covid medicine

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Quentin Tarantino's bed

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

I kinda love that George Miller, the director of Mad Max: Fury Road, looks like if a British car turned into a person

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

4 years

Trump paid $750 in taxes and here I am doing cocaine using one dollar bills off my grandma's novelty plates. This is some bullshit.

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

9 months

From 230 to 180 over the course of March to now

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Chad Opitz

@chadopitz

3 years

Never forget the time that the official Twitter page of Steven Seagal tried to convince myself and a man known as "FartHog69" that he didn't murder a horse